Twofish

Dear Lyoness,
This sounds so hopeful!!!
I'll be thinking of you as you hold those papers
Keep that strong spirit of yours alive!
Thoughts are only positive and as Dee said
"No further problems,"
Love ya!
TF

Lyoness

Thank you all SO much for your kind support! The inspection went well, there was just one tiny thing that needed doing and the inspector came back on Monday and approved it. So now I am in the process of moving in. I think I should be moved in this week, then just need to clean my old place and unpack my new.

I am very, very grateful to have found a beautiful, clean place to live, it's a miracle. I really feel that everyone's positive thoughts helped immensely. Thank you all!

Unfortunately as it seems to go in my life, good things never come without a bad/punishment hanging on them. Don't know whether to start a new thread or just add to this one so I'll add to this for now.

One of the bad things is that my new Nurse Practitioner has cut me out of her practice. Just like that. I did NOTHING wrong, followed all her directions, was completely honest with her about everything and thought I'd found someone good. She seemed to be willing to trust me and I was beginning to trust her.

Then last Friday I received a short, cold letter informing me she was "withdrawing" from being my practitioner because of a "failure to create a trustworthy doctor/patient relationship." That was it.

I felt socked in the gut and spirit. I cried. I felt like I was being accused of a crime, found guilty and executed without knowing what crime I committed or having a chance to speak on my own behalf or talk to the nurse practitioner. I left messages, my counselor called, and even my neighbor called on my behalf which was pretty awesome of her. She said she didn't like how I was being treated and was not sure if she wanted to go to a doctor who would do something like that.

About 10 minutes after my neighbor called I finally got a call from the receptionist at their office. I was cut off because the OLD doctor had written or said something(s) to make them dump me from their practice. Apparently it wasn't enough punishment and abuse to cut me out of HER practice, she had to ruin my new doctor relationship as well.

I haven't found out what she said yet but it's a lie or lies because I was up front and honest with my new doc. So the only thing left is lies. And those stupid letters--M.D.--get a voice that people like me don't. The letters are listened to and I am not.

So I am back where I was before. I have two weeks worth of methadone and I'm expected to find a new doctor who will prescribe it in those two weeks. Oh yeah, and I'm moving.

I also have a legal issue going on that I haven't written about but is bad and terrifying and need to deal with it. So basically I have NO time or chance to get another doctor.

I feel SO bad. Honestly, in my life, I am never, ever allowed anything good to happen because if it does I get punishments that are many times worse than whatever the good thing is. I am crying a lot and terrified again. I don't know what to do. My suicidal feelings are back, in force. I feel like that nice house is just a joke being played on me. Here's a nice house....ha ha....just kidding!

I'm SO tired of my life being this way. Constant stress, punishment, abuse, nightmare. I can't take it anymore. I just can't.

And my nasty "landmates" just called to complain about MY cat. He's bothering their kitties, their THREE cats who have kicked my cat completely out of his home but he's to fault for spraying. They spray too. They want to know when he's leaving--when I'm leaving. (Right now I'm housesitting for two nights for people who helped me move.) I just don't need their one-sided nastiness.

I feel so bad, I'm always complaining. I just don't know how to make all the bad things stop happening. How to ever, just once, have a good thing with no punishments attached to them.

Thank you all for listening. And sorry to be always in such a mess.

Dee74

I'm really sorry about the Dr stuff - it doesn't seem to add up to me either - how can a comment on an old file bring all this about?
.
I hope you can sort something out Lyoness. Best wishes as always

Oh and it's AWESOME about your new place, tho!

Lyoness

Thank you Dee. I really want to enjoy my new home but all I can feel and see is the suffering coming. It's much bigger than I've written about because I haven't talked about my legal issue which just came up. I just feel hopeless when I should be celebrating.

I cannot understand why old doctor just can't stop harming me. Her behavior is far too much like the abusers of my childhood. It's irrational and meant solely to cause suffering and pain. I truly wish I had NEVER met her.

But I really thank you for your kind words and support, they help!

ksos

Hi Lyoness,

I read your posts and feel your pain and anxiety over what seems imminent for you. I've been maintained on methadone for over 10 years and, like you, suffer from an anxiety disorder. I am maintained on 150 mgs of methadone per day via Pain Management and 6 mgs of Clonazapam per day through my psychiatrist.

Please know that you must seek medical attention for your methadone withdrawal. There are many medical doctors who consider abrupt methadone withdrawal as a potential life threatening condition if left untreated. Medicines like Catapress are used by many physicians which address the worst symptoms of methadone withdrawal, but only an ER MD or a Pain Management physician can administer this medication safely.

You are actually in more danger from the benzodiazapine withdrawal than the methadone one. I went into cardiac arrest a year ago because my medical doctor refused to prescribe me my Klonopin, which I have been maintained on for over 30 years, because I was 3 days "early". Her actions cost her job, which was of little comfort to my elderly parents who are suing her license and demanding revocation of it due to severe patient abuse.

Despite my begging them to cease further legal action against this negligent doctor, they continue to persist in letting their anger drive them crazy with hate. Please use that example as the one thing notto do now!

You must contact any MD who is either a Pain Management Specialist or even plead with your MD who discontinued your medication. I do not know of any person who is on methadone who hasn't come up "short" during a particular month or had a dirty Tox screen. This is your life we are talking about, yet online intervention is only meant to express suggestions and caring.

Please let us know what you decide to do.

Lyoness

Thank you ksos for your words of wisdom and support. My counselor is helping my try to find someone, too, but I have had no time to even consider finding a doctor with all that is going on in my life right now.

I got mostly moved in but then my cat of nearly 12 years disappeared, I think all my stress was freaking him out. So that added yet another burden to my list. Fortunately he turned up, dirty, but none the worse for wear. So we are at my new home now and it's slowly starting to feel a bit more normal being there.

I am really, really grateful for this wonderful new home, so much has been happening that I haven't even been able to just sit and be grateful and start to take it all in. But I am truly grateful.

I'm hoping next week to be able to have time/energy/sanity to find a doctor. I'm hoping my counselor's connections can help me find someone who won't dump me. In the meantime, the old doc who dumped me actually did give me three weeks worth of methadone. The new doc who dumped me wrote out two weeks rx's for methadone which I'll hopefully be able to fill. (They REALLY wanted to cover their a**es and wrote 7 prescriptions for 2 days each so I cannot "harm" myself. jeez.)

So right now, as long as those other rx's go through I have one month to find someone.

I have to say that mistakes were made on both sides in this mess and that I made a big one. However old doc made promises and assurances to me, totally "forgave" me for my mistake but has gone back on everything she said. Everything. Except, so far, she's not letting me getting violently ill from withdrawals. Something is guiding her to do right in this one thing and I am grateful to that something. It's saving my life.

Because I think you are right, ksos, that going off methadone can be very dangerous. One pharmacist said it was life-threatening, others say it's just very bad. But with my ongoing suicidal depression, I feel that is the biggest danger. Messing with my biochemistry like that is very likely to throw me into another bout of dangerous depression. If/when I go off, I want to do it safely and slowly, slowly taper.

Library is flashing their lights so must sign off. I thank all of you for your continued support, it means so much to me. I'll post again soon and I will keep all of you in my heart.

Lyoness

I've posted the" my mistake" portion of this saga in the substance abuse forum, it seemed to belong there. I hope you all can forgive me for being too afraid to write that part sooner. I still feel my old doctor is also behaving illegally and genetically, even given my depression-induced Mistake.

Dee74

Hi Lyoness

I did a lot of really dumb things in the past too.
Like I said elsewhere I hope it's a weight off your shoulders

D

Lyoness

I've tried twice before to post again but they both went awry. So third time's the charm.

Thank you for your support Dee, I really appreciate it. I do feel better having spoken the truth. I still feel ashamed but that is lessening a little bit and having support is helping a lot.

I want to correct the sentence in my above post--it should say I think my doctor is behaving unethically not genetically. Spellcheck on the "smart"phone does crazy things sometimes.

I wish I wasn't back in the same situation I was when I first posted this thread. But I'm once again trying to find a doctor, not go through withdrawals and add that to my legal issues, health issues and I am still in the process of moving. It's so stressful. I just get tired thinking about it.

That is why I am appreciating everyone's support so very, very much. It helps to know I am not alone in the world. I forget that, a lot, but then I can come back here and be reminded and I am very, very grateful.