cleaninLI

Peanut I think you have a terrific mindset right now. I think that is what's needed the most. Each month that goes by and I see my doctor he asks me to spend the next month preparing myself to taper down lower. Each time I ask for one more month. Ha! It's crazy but I've noticed that when I quit the pills and cigs it was so important to prepare myself mentally. Almost like retraining my brain to think differently. I told myself every day I'm no longer a smoker or I'm a non-smoker now. With pills it was pills are not an option or I'm no longer a pill head.
So I think your sealing the deal (your recovery) and shutting off your access is a very important step. You have moved on....you are no longer reliant on sub. You are strong enough on your own. Perhaps, find something healthy you can get into...like some type of exercise regiment and/or healthy diet?
One thing I've noticed on this site is the most successful in their recovery grabbed ahold of a healthy type of "crutch". (For lack of a better word) Even a hobby such as art, writing, music, cooking or gardening.

Just suggestions and things I'll probably need to implement better in my life.

But you are doing great! I especially love that last plan you had to go to bed early instead of take a little more. That is totally me and my mindset too. Oh...up late? Take another piece. That is my own addict mindset that I need to snap out of. A good recovery for me will be when I can say to myself, "up late? Ok....I'll do a few extra sit-ups for energy...instead of looking for it in a pill or substance."

kzaug2014

Hi Peanut, sorry I didn't reply back right away ( I make a lot of posts & sometimes forget...it's an age thingy lol. )
I agree w/Clean, you're attitude is awesome! And everything else she said too. I think that people that aren't sure if they can do it..don't. When I quit Methadone, Norcos, Benzos ( & in the last 4mos of my addiction, I had been on Heroin too ) & then finally the subs in Feb., I didn't go into recovery thinking that maybe it would work. I went into it "knowing" I could do it! I think one's mindset is the most important tool they can have.
Another tool I used is exactly what you're already doing. Coming here to SR everyday ( even if I didn't feel like posting, I lurked lol. )
I jumped from 2mgs & didn't know about SR until I was approx 10 days into w/d's. But I'm making it! Yea! And you can too.

peanut44

Wow!! Thanks to both of you above!! That really made my day just hearing from you both!! I was at work and struggling a bit.

I still haven't gotten quite down to 1 and today was 1 & a very small sliver. I took them early because I had very major tummy upsets this morning. Not so cool when they happen on the 45 minute drive to work. Thank God for rest stops and gas stations!!

Tmi there. sorry. My job keeps me on my feet and moving and thinking fast for the whole shift so that's good. It keeps my mind busy. But I still had that damn anxiety hit me again. This time I just tried to ride it thru and again just realize that it is what it is until it isn't! Lol!! Sounds silly but it worked today!

I thought about taking a tiny bit more when I got home, justifying it in my head as (that way, I'll have more in my system for the early part of tomorrow). I ran this by my husband and he said, honey, look at the time, you'll be going to bed soon, just take it tomorrow.

He has them in a locked safe that only he knows the combo to btw.

I'll just wait til tomorrow!!=)

Thank again for your support!!

Nite!

cleaninLI

Peanut I see myself in you so much! All those little rationales that we tell ourselves. The anxiety that creeps in when I lower my dose...the tummy aches. Right down to my husband doling them out to me. (But he said he resigned from that job and refuses to do it anymore.) Ha!

I've heard and believe this to be true that it takes 20 something days to change, break, and/or form a new habit. It really seemed that way to me when I quit smoking. I guess my point is if you can avoid that last dose....the one at night that you haven't been giving into....for at least a month...I believe you would have formed a new habit...and broken the old one?

Do you take each dose after so many hours in between? Like how do you schedule them? Mine are taken after every 5 to 6 hours. 1 mg. There was a time I was taking 8 mgs. 4 times per day...but what I did was cut them into 1 mg. Portions instead of 2 mg. Portions. That Actually tricked my brain a little and allowed me to go down to 4 mgs. Per day.

When I go down lower, I haven't decided if I should cut the doses into smaller portions but keep the time between the same? Or lengthen the time between doses but keep the portions the same? Do you mind explaining what you did?

Anyway...you are doing great Peanut! You are a true inspiration!

peanut44

I'm taking so darn little that I'm kind of taking it as I need it.

I've been doing my homework and it seems that by the time you are down to 2 mgs, that you're about midway thru the taper. I have been taking a small half on the drive to work and then I try to hold off until later. But then I realized I might just be saving that last dose as a "reward".

That's not good. So I try to take them early enough that I don't have it to look forward to. Takes the value out of it.

You can do it too!

cleaninLI

So you're basicly taking your doses to not withdrawal? It looks like you are mildly withdrawing already?

And your tapering for a few more weeks? I'll have to go back and read...sorry.

It looks like you are very close to freedom! Yay!!!!!

peanut44

Yes, I'm in mild withdrawal. But not very bad at all. I'm moving down slowly.

damascus1986

i took subs for some time before i totally stopped. i went into detox expecting it to be bad. it was the least sever withdrawl ive ever been through the detox clinic helped as well in those few days when i stopped. ive now been clean for 4 years. it works well if done right.

kzaug2014

Peanut, I have 2 recommendations for ya. Buy some liquid Imodium ( this should help w/those rest stops & gas stations lol.
And buy a good pill cutter. Those sub pills are small & very hard to cut w/precision ( the best 1 is EZ Ultra? I think? You're pharmacists can help you. )
You're doing great!

cleaninLI

Kz that's very good advise!

Peanut you are amazing and doing great!

peanut44

You guys are great!!=)
So I worked today. No rest stops, thank God! But I do think that Imodium is a good idea to have on hand and the pill cutter too. I agree.

Today was different. I had one pill and a tiny slice of another. I took the tiny slice on the way in to work. I didn't take the whole pill till about 5. But when I did, it hit me like a ton of bricks! A sick stomach, heart flutter, like I had taken too much.

Could things be progressing a bit faster than I expected? Maybe it's coming out of my system faster than I thought it would. Tricky stuff.

I'm going to take 1 only tomorrow.

Hope everyone is ok!!

cleaninLI

Hmm? Good question! But you are doing great peanut!

peanut44

First day of 1 pill.

I took a tiny piece on my way in to work. Then waited until later in the day. I took the remaining 3/4 on the drive home and I felt ok for about an hour or so. Then it really hit me.

That weird familiar feeling. There is no more comfort from my dose and that's kind of how I have it planned but it still doesn't make it suck any less.

So I'm in bed and I hope I feel better tomorrow. I have to remember that things could be much worse.

Good night all!

cleaninLI

Peanut congrats on getting thru your day on that one pill. You did great! I know you are getting out of your comfort zone. But hey you did it! Yay!

Looking forward to your update Peanut!

peanut44

Oh yes, definitely out of my comfort zone, the only problem is i think I'm pmsing. That really throws a wrench into the works! Even on a good day, it would feel like i had taken nothing. Wow! I'm feeling pretty bad today but i took a nap earlier. Better that than a pill!

peanut44

Oh yeah, I'm definitely out of my comfort zone. It's more mental than anything else at this point. I'm losing my little "friend", my little energy pill and i don't like it but that is how it's going to be. I need to find the happiness that has been in front of me and around me all this time.

cleaninLI

Peanut I totally understand what you're saying. I think you and I are the same that we are struggling with giving up our crutch. The oxy and Percs were my best friends until they betrayed me and ruined my life....so when I switched over to sub I slowly replaced my friendship of them with the sub. They became necessary for me to function in life. They don't get me high like the pills did...but for some reason, I slowly began to rely on it like I did the pills?
Which is why I'm thinking that in order for me to become truly recovered...I'm going to need something to use as my crutch? Whether that be religion, exercise, vitamins some type of crutch? I haven't found it yet...but am looking for it. But I need to switch my "friendship" of a substance....to that of something that is a positive force in my life. That might be why AA/NA works well for some people? It's a positive force...with all the elements needed for support? But I think something else can work just as well...as long as we are passionate about it? You mention your work a lot....is it something that could become a positive force in your life? Could it be "friendship" worthy? I'm just talking off the top of my head right now.

You are going strong peanut! I have faith in you!

peanut44

I can identify with a lot of what you're saying. I started relying on suboxone too. I just can't go on like this.

There has to be a better way and I'm going to find it. I need to quit looking so hard and just let life happen.

I'm a florist so my job could very well be an outlet for me. As it so happens, we are going to try our hands at raised beds gardening this year. I've got a lot at my disposal, I'm just very under motivated. Just bursts of self discipline.

It's like I don't know what to do with myself. It's amazing how a
substance can pervade one's life so completely. Drives me nuts.

I'm okay today. Got thru one relatively easy. I'm almost positive suboxone was making my pms worse because I was foggy and confused which made me frustrated and that just kept me pissed off all the time. So that's a positive thing.

I'll post more later!

damascus1986

NA worked for me saved my life. maybe try taking lil bits by lil bits instaed of a sliver then a large piece. where i come from they had a film type that was like a mint strip was easier to cut up. maybe ask your doc about this. i know the goal is to taper off i never did it until i checked into detox myself. just some suggestions.

peanut44

My doctor is a full blown idiot and I fired him. He is the only one that could prescribe suboxone so that's that.

I have a small prescription and some ativan and blood pressure meds on hand and I'm on a short taper. I'm sure I'll be fine, it's just too bad it had to happen this way.

Right now I'm just trying to get rid of the daily habit in my mind. Change my focus to more positive things. Healthier things.

Thank you for the advice!