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|03-20-2012, 01:11 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2012
Day 10: Physicaly better but my dreams and thoughts haunt me
Day 10 and im feeling pretty good........physicaly. I have dreams and thoughts of things I need to find peace with. I think this is the main reason I used. To ignor what the universe and my loved ones lost where trying to tell me. I lost my grandma two day before x-mas. I wasnt using at the time and was trying to stay strong. After x-mas i lost it. Starting to use again. Ive been on every drug on the planet for an extended period off time and stopped. Methadone was by far the hardest.Now that im clean and the systoms that go with it are gone i just not finding the peace that I need.
I had a jov interveiw dec 22nd and was going to get up in the morning and go say goodbye to grandma( who was my mother rasised me my whole life and even was my only support as an adult) I was awakend to a phone call that she had passed that night. its naging me in my dreams.
the whole family is just trying to sell the home her and my grandfater owened and me and my mother where raised in. They want money but she would never want the house to go. in my dream it always ends with her saying " can we talk tommorrow"
I have a cosin that is a sever addict. In my dreams (he was an only child ) there are two of him one the old cousin I grew up with and opened xmas presenst with. The other an addict the i cant get along with. I cant even talk to him. Same in real life. He cant be talked too. He was late to my grandfathers funeral and compleatly missed my grandmothers beacuse he couldnt be up and make a 1:00 funeral.
My oldest daughter has been in my care sense she was two. She is now almost ten. The ups and downs I have put her through. She has never wanted or needed. SHe asks for nothing. I feel i owe her the most. why can I have a case of beer but she couldnt have skittles. After all I have put her throug and We have been through I dont know how to make things up to her.
I need to find peace in my heart and mind and i dont know where to start.
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|03-20-2012, 01:23 PM||#2 (permalink)|
I Am Burning ; I Will Rise
Join Date: Feb 2012
Blog Entries: 1
Sounds like there are a lot of things in your mind and heart that need to be sifted through, each on their own, before being able to really confront it all. You can't take a whole army down in one fell swoop, but you can take out one soldier at a time. I started counseling at a local University by me last week, once a week, and brought my addiction up. My counselor was very supportive and is going to help work it into my therapy to dig up all those feelings and emotions and find out if/what I was running/hiding from and all that. They have some really good ideas that I would have otherwise not known. Maybe that's something you could look into as well. It was scary at first, but I feel so much better knowing I'm actually confronting this properly and not just trying to dig through it all on my own. Good luck brother.
"In the words of the ancients, one should make his decision within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break through to the other side." - Yamamoto Tsunetomo
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