Well....after close to four years, it's over

[Prizewinner]

It's with mixed emotions that I finally ended the relationship with my partner after close to four years. Being a classic codependent, I mustered up enough willpower and strength to bring it all the heartache and disappointments to an end after he crossed the one last huge boundary I had set for myself. Via spyware on my computer, I caught him soliciting himself in gay chat rooms in exchange for painpills. He had done this before in Jan. of '07 and I kicked him out which made him hit bottom. (This was at the same time I first learned of this website and the supportative, loving people who commune here.) I only let him back into my life with the condition that he get help, which he did.
He was put on Suboxone for two years and detoxed this past July in a rehab facility (at which time I turned to this website again) but he left after only two weeks. College started back and things were going well but then the lies and deceit started again as he made the local hospital emergency room tours complaining of tooth pain to get opiates. Relapse after relapse went on for a couple of weeks, but when he started going online with the seedy and sultry lifestyle of tricking himself for drugs, I had had enough.
His name is now off of the lease and he has until midnight tomorrow night to have everything that's his removed from the apartment. We said our farewells this afternoon which brings me here again tonight. What a sad thing it is to know that someone you love very deeply actually loves drugs more than you. He had a bazillion chances from me and all he had to do was the right things. I really don't wish that bad things happen to him and I told him that. But I also let him know that I deserve alot more than all of the lies, cheating and deception that keeps addicts lives so messed up.
Thank you again for all of your support. I've decided that being alone is better than being disrespected. Tonight is probably going to be the loneliest one for me yet, but each minute that passes is driving me toward full recovery from being a codependent.

[cjsg]

First of all I am really sorry the way things turned out for you. Finding someone you love, gay, straight, brown, blue, yellow etc etc is daunting. I´m sure theres not much anyone can say that might assuage some of the crap you´re feeling, or the mess you will undoubtedly feel in the days to come. I read some of your other posts, and really it seems as though you bent over backwards to help this gentleman and put up with more heartache and problems than is reasonable to expect from someone. Surely you made some mistakes as we all do, but I think you were more than loyal and supportive and were more than willing to continue to do so if he would have just done his part. You , more than likely, did more for him than any other person in his life would have done. You should not have any regrets. You know, I think it is admirable that you put your foot down, you can love someone with all your heart, but when it is more than obvious that they are reciprocating less and less, you can´t continue to allow someone to take advantage of your nature. It´s sad when, as you said, you come to realise that quite literally he prefers the drugs as opposed to having someone meaningful in his life.. and I, frankly am glad you chose to NOT to have him in your life as opposed to having someone who will appreciate you in yours. I know you feel as if consolation is a far off concept but please don´t feel as if it was you who failed. You affections and effort are better plaed upon someone who will love you and appreciate you for who and what you are..
Chris

[christin1225]

Originally Posted by Prizewinner

He was put on Suboxone for two years and detoxed this past July in a rehab facility (at which time I turned to this website again) but he left after only two weeks.

This is a perfect example that Suboxone (even after two years) is NOT recovery. Did the Sub doctor require IOP and recovery meetings while your friend was on the opiate replacement therapy? If not, he hardly could have been expected to recover. He was set up for failure. But, if he was directed to work on his recovery, it's obvious that he needs to hit a lower bottom.

What a sad thing it is to know that someone you love very deeply actually loves drugs more than you.

I can hear your pain and disappointment. I'm so sorry that you've had to experience this. Addiction will try to ruin as many lives as it possibly can.

Tonight is probably going to be the loneliest one for me yet, but each minute that passes is driving me toward full recovery from being a codependent.

I'm glad to read that you're making wise choices in spite of your grief.