Sweating to Death

[PlagueOnSociety]

My thoughts might be choppy or nonlinear, sorry in advance, I'm in a lot of discomfort so it's hard to concentrate.

Was taking suboxone for 5 months, stopped taking suboxone and started using two weeks ago. Want to get back on suboxone. The problem is that I feel like my withdrawal symptoms are nearly unmanageable but it's only been 6 hours since my last use. I know I have to wait longer before taking suboxone to avoid putting myself into worse withdrawals.

Heroin is the drug that turns my life upside down, but these last two weeks I've been IVing oxycontin. My roommates have been pretty traumatized by my behavior (and physical appearance) these last couple weeks. I feel horrible about that.

I'm a nursing student and haven't gone to class in this two week period. I'm trying to sleep.. these are the worst cold sweats I've ever had.. covers on.. covers off. I feel so frustrated and overwhelmed I could cry. Guys aren't supposed to cry though. I want this to be over, how could I have forgotten so easily that drugs make my life horrible? I feel like such a fool. I am switching between being naked and putting on a coat and pants every 10 minutes to combat these hot/cold flashes, but I'm losing the battle. I am losing my mind. I feel weak and pathetic. Apologizing to myself over and over.

I flushed the rest of my drugs, I'm done. never again.

I'm afraid to tell my doctor what is happening, and even more afraid to tell my parents. They have been so proud of me, I don't want to break their hearts again for the 50th time.

I need to hear some outside perspective on this garbage situation seeing as I won't be sleeping anytime soon.

[Faerie]

Hi Plague,

I can't give medical advise but I can and will give my love and support.

It's ok to discuss [but not promote] drug use but good you put in that thoughtful disclaimer, it shows you care about the rest of us and will be appreciated. Many of us discuss how much we use/used, it's part of how we explain our addiction.

I feel for you, I'm a codeine addict weaning myself off and know all too well the living hell of addiction.

You did so well to flush the rest of your drugs, I know that must have been hard and I am very proud of you for being so strong.

Many people here have successfully gotten off heroin and subs so be patient and you will get people sharing their experience with you.

It's OK to cry and you are not weak or pathetic or a fool, please don't think that.

What you are going through is a battle for your life and it's gonna be the hardest one you've ever fought but you can and will win it.

The only advice I can give you is to forgive yourself for the past and look to the future. Keep hydrated, try to eat if you can and try to sleep [even if it means dressing and undressing, maybe try a medium to light blanket and see if that helps] if you can't sleep go into the chat room, you'll meet some very supportive and caring people.

Please see a doctor, you need professional help to get through this. I did and mine has been great. I also told my parents, they were sad but very supportive, I'm sure yours will support you too, remember that they love you. Don't worry about disappointing them, trust me, they'd rather know what's going on.

Keep reading and keep posting.

I'll check in with you tomorrow Mate,

Much love and understanding,

Faerie
__________________

[sunnigirl]

Sorry for your troubles right now - I am the wife of an addict (heroin) and I can say no matter what, when he's trying to live clean, that's what's important to me. If you fell down again, the ones who love you will care that you are picking yourself up, not that you fell down in the first place. love yourself enough to take one step at a time, even if it's only a baby step, K?

[Vintersemestre]

You either gotta just stop, man or consider longterm/permanent maintenance if your life is that unmanageable.

[christin1225]

Originally Posted by PlagueOnSociety

Was taking suboxone for 5 months, stopped taking suboxone and started using two weeks ago. Want to get back on suboxone. The problem is that I feel like my withdrawal symptoms are nearly unmanageable but it's only been 6 hours since my last use. I know I have to wait longer before taking suboxone to avoid putting myself into worse withdrawals.

First of all, POS, I hope that you adopt another screen name or let us know your real name. No matter what you think, you are NOT a plague on society. You are a good person, who is an addict in need of recovery.



Since this was posted at 5am, you should be a few more than just six hours into withdrawal. Have you thought about using the COWS scale to objectively evaluate the intensity of your withdrawal to know when you may be ready to induct yourself (which sounds to be your plan)? Keep reminding yourself that the sicker you are before the Sub, the better you will feel after.

I'm afraid to tell my doctor what is happening, and even more afraid to tell my parents. They have been so proud of me, I don't want to break their hearts again for the 50th time.

Honesty is the absolute best policy. At least that is what I'm discovering (and it's taken me a while, I assure you).

I need to hear some outside perspective on this garbage situation seeing as I won't be sleeping anytime soon.

Last night was the first night that I slept in almost a week. I read the above line and am sorry that I did. I wish that I could have replied to your post earlier. I'll keep an eye out for you to post again. Please keep updating this thread.

If you don't tell your doctor... how do you expect to get the Suboxone? If you plan to obtain it illegally, it will work against you fixing the mindset of addiction.

Let us know once you've inducted. Stick around. We can support you. You're not alone.

[Faerie]

Plague, [agree with the above post, you are NOT a plague on society mate, but a valued person who deserves love and understanding]

Checking in with you as I promised I would.

How are you doing today?

Please see a doctor and be honest, it helped me so much and I would be in such a mess if I didn't.

Please let us know how you are.

Much love,

Faerie

[rewards]

How you holding up? I am on day 3. It sucks, but we all know that already. I am a Jr. at school and wanted to kick before school started. Didnt happen. Instead I started to kick one the first day of school. It was hell. I COULD NOT sit still my legs wouldnt stop moving, I had to get up like every 10 min to throw up or to participate in the runs. Man it sucked. My fellow class mates thought I had lost my mind. Told 'em I was real sick. Food posioning or something. Tell me how your doing? Like I said day 3 and leg pain is 4/10, anxiety 2/10 (just took ativan though), overall muscle stiffness soreness 3/10 Over all 4/10. But during class it was 9-10/10, it SUCKED. Anyway talk to me.

[PlagueOnSociety]

I nearly had 6 months clean/sober before these last couple weeks, that is the longest time I've gone without taking anything since I was 12. It's difficult to start the counter over.

Faerie I had decided just to edit that paragraph, just to be on the safe side, you never know the mindset of someone when they are viewing these posts, I wouldn't want to think someone might be triggered by something I post.

I ended up calling my dad around 5 in the morning, I could really hear the strain in his voice, it really makes me sad because at a family therapy session when I was in treatment my dad said that he has cried more times in the last 5 years than he has in the previous 45.. because of me. I don't know how to interact with my parents with all these things I've done. The guilt and shame I feel when I'm around them is soul-crushing. How did you cope with that?

I also went to see my Doctor today she was incredibly nice about it, had me come in when she was off the clock at the end of the day, she wrote me a prescription for Clonidine and I've got some anxiety medication. What a relief, even though I still feel overwhelmed and sick, it has given a little boost to my morale.

Also, thank you for your kind words.

sunnigirl I'm slowly starting to see that, but in the anxiety of the moment I panic and the fear of telling my family just grows worse and worse. It's the fear of disappointing.

vintersemestre I'm going to take to my doctor more to decide on what is the best choice.

christin1225 Now that I was able to get medication to help ease the withdrawal symptoms of my detox I am thinking of maybe just stopping suboxone during this time. If things get much worse I will probably decide to start the suboxone again. I have a bottle of suboxone that has a 2 weeks supply right now, so when the times comes I have it ready. I'm just going to try to take this situation hour by extremely slow crappy hour. I'll see what happens. My real name is Scott by the way. Thank you for the support.

rewards I think that this is the worst detox experience I've ever had because when you stop using and get clean, your opiate receptors become dormant, but when you start using opiates again they wake up, as well as new ones being created. So if you repeat the process of getting clean for any amount of time and then use again it gets worse and worse. My symptoms are so much better with the medications my doctor prescribed today, still very uncomfortable, but better than last night, which I got to watch the sun come up. The insomnia really contributes to my current depression. Are you having trouble sleeping?

[christin1225]

Scott,

What an incredible post! You have made huge strides since your first post. I'm the first to sing the praises of Chlonidine during withdrawal and then I'm quick to chime in with the benefits of Neurontin (Gabapentin) for anxiety and sleep. If you can get clean without Suboxone, it is defnitely the way go.

I am the mother of three boys (16 1/2, 19, and 20 1/2) and because your father is only a little older than I am, I would like to talk to you about him crying. Loving parents will always want their hurting children to come to them, regardless of how much it makes them cry. I had your exact feelings when I told my family about my oxy addiction this past May and then when I told my dad (not quite two weeks ago).

After telling my dad, I was so broken up that I wrote him a letter in which I tried to explain the obsession and compulsion of addiction and how ashamed I am because I have always wanted to make him and my mother proud of me (yes, even at 46 years of age I feel that way). He wrote back to me to tell me how glad he is that I told him and that the fact that I struggle with addiction has done nothing to change how proud he is of me. He laminated the letter, Scott. He put a durable finish on his letter because he wants the words to be able to endure me reading them over and over again, especially when I feel as though I've failed. He doesn't want me ever to hesitate coming to him again.

I don't doubt the sincerity of a single one of his words. Want to know why, Scott? I don't doubt them because I'm a parent and that's exactly how I would feel if one of my kids were to come to me with such a problem.

All the same... I'm an addict and I have a lot of guilt and shame. I attend counseling for those issues. Intellectually, I know that they are poison to my recovery and that they are unwarranted. It will take some time to turn my thinking around. However, in becoming able to open up and to be honest about my disease, I've made vast improvements in my thinking, changes that could not have happened if I kept everything a secret. I'm so glad that you decided to be honest.

Have you ever belonged to some type of recovery group? Recovery support is something that can do a lot to help you to accept that you have a disese, as well as be able to help you work on it.



Keep posting, Scott. We're here for you.

[rewards]

Hey Scott,
Ya, I did'nt sleep last night. not a frickin wink! Legs were driving me nuts. I am sitting in class right now trying to stay awake during this mental illness lecture. My legs are cramping but less than yesterday. I understand about how you feel about your family being at wits end. I dont even know how to mend all of my mistakes, but for now I am just focusing on trying to live a "normal live". I am just walking around like a zombie, unless I am having the runs, then I am moving like a cheeth.

[rewards]

The best part...the part that make all the pain worth is that you have to spend ZERO time worrying about where your going to get your next fix. No longer my priority. Thats so far the greatist thing. I can take the leg pain, as long as I dont have to scramble around to find stuff.

[christin1225]

Originally Posted by rewards

I am sitting in class right now trying to stay awake during this mental illness lecture.

((rewards)), I think that it's incredible that you're attending classes while in withdrawal. At the very least, you deserve a gold star!

[rewards]

Thank you for the gold star! Nursing school sucks 8-2 m-f right now. I stopped using tues. wed-thur-fri were Hell no other word. I felt so bad for the students siting next to me. I was changing postions in my chair about every 2 min. Luckily we can bring laptops to class and acess the internet. That provided some distraction. On friday I left class and had to walk around the halls for about 30-40 min. I thought I was on the verge of going insane. But guess what? A)I am alive so far somehow b)its now sat c) I am feeling ok leg pian 3/10 anxiety 2/10 energy lvl 4/10 (10 being the greatist) for me anything under 5 is manageable. I actually sleept last night. Scott you still here?

[Faerie]

Scott,

I still feel shame and guilt for what I put and am putting my parents through but like Christin so wisely and lovingly said, our parents would prefer to know what we are going through. [Thank you for that Cristin, it made me feel better] My parents both went to see a therapist to deal with how they were feeling and it helped them, my Dad is still going.

They tell me all the time not to feel bad, that they love me and are glad they know as that way they can support me. Like you I feel awful as I feel like I have let them down.

I guess the more I work with my psychologist the easier it will be to forgive myself, maybe you could think about seeing one to help you get over the guilt. It could help, you are dealing with enough without having to feel bad on top of it.

With me what killed my parents more was that I didn't tell them I was raped when I was 15 for 12 years, I'm 27 now, I only told them 2 months ago. I've been raped 3 times and it is one of the main reasons I use.

Now that I am talking about the attacks and seeking help for my physical and emotional pain I have found the strength and courage to come off the drugs.

Have you addressed the reasons you use? I feel that is key to staying sober, at least it is for me in my journey.

Much love to you my friend,

Faerie xx

[rewards]

just starting day 6. Actually had a pretty good day 5. Anyway my main worry is work. See I get my stuff at work beacuse I work at a hopsital, and at hospitals opioids flow free. I am very, very nervous about going back to work. I have to go next weekend. I hope that I will be strong enough.

[PlagueOnSociety]

Hey rewards, yeah working in health care is not the easiest setting for addicts. I quit my job at a Nursing home a few months back because of my addiction. It's pretty amazing you've been going to class. I haven't in 2 weeks, I might have to withdrawal. That would set me back a year. I don't know what to say, I just feel so overwhelmed and now I think there is no salvaging this term. Good to hear you slept, insomnia is a horrible thing when detoxing. I had accepted that I was quitting and had no other thought in my mind. But I got a call today from my dealer, you know, genuine concern for where I might be, because he hadn't seen me the last 2 days. I could feel myself go into auto-pilot very mechanical thinking.. grab keys.. grab wallet.. out the door. It wasn't enjoyable, it alleviated my withdrawal, but now I can feel my symptoms coming back and I'm just worse. I need to do something different, make a plan.. something.. If anything though my desire to be clean/sober is stronger.

Faerie, I'm sure I could benefit from seeing a psychologist, but I feel incredible anger when I talk about emotional things face to face in a setting like that. Maybe it's to cover embarrassment or something else. That's very sad what happened to you, I'm sorry. I think you are very right about it being important to address the reasons you use, but I think it falls into the category of things that makes me furious to talk about. I feel like there is already too much to handle at once. So many things you have to do to stay clean. It's overwhelming when you stack it on top of normal life things.

Good Night

[ex D-Boy]

hey scott, sorry to hear you fell off the wagon again. Glad to see you back however, I used to wonder about you. First things first, since your still using your only concern and focus right now should be on detoxing. Plain and simple, dont overwhelm yourself with what you are going to do months in the future for guilt and shame etc. Take things nice and slow for now...baby steps remember?

Maybe getting back on subs isnt the answer?? I am a former IV herion addict as well and I couldn't stand the sub withdrawals. They dragged on for weeks on end and left me just sitting in the house super depressed. My body always dealt better with the short intense withdrawal that came with heroin as opposed to the 2-4 week suboxone detox. (it was more painful but atleast it was over and done with after 5 days you know?)

Maybe think about going to a detox facility. Private, or state funded [if you dont have the finances] and go on a short term 8-12 day methadone taper. Worked excellent for me when I got clean. (I was shooting about 2 bundles a day) I still remember the taper schedule exactly incase you are interested in learning more about it.

There is a way out of the choke hold, I can promise you that man. Stay safe and once again, glad your back here posting. ~~ Scott

[heatherette]

your not alone im 4 days into detox from heroin. i still havent slept. but look at it like this once your clean do u really want to withdraw again? just think about how ****** it is. i ran out of subs. do u know of anyway to sleep?

[Faerie]

Hey Scott,

Good to hear from you.

I find it really hard to talk about how I feel, especially about the rapes, but always feel better after I have. It's much easier to talk about it all with you beautiful people here on SR than it is with my family, psychologist or doctor so maybe, if you are ready, you could talk to us about your reasons here before you seek professional help. Face to face is really confronting I know. One day you will be ready to deal with it head on.

No pressure, it is completely your choice.

I know how hard it is.

Much love,

Faerie xx

[cjsg]

Scott
I´m new around here but I´m all too familiar with the feelings and discomforts and the complete mind screw that this stuff does to us. I just wanted to say I hate that you´re having a rough go of it, Thes people here helped me so much especially with the guilt and shame issue. Having let down my family for the millionth time etc etc ... I´m praying / begging the powers that be to help you out. I m wishing only good things for you an a lot of strength. GOOD LUCK. and like someone said to me here... stay the course and don´t chicken out. When i feel rough and i cant take it... I run here... these people have helped me more than they will know. Strength and resolve and determination Scott. I wish you the best
Chris

[PlagueOnSociety]

Hey Scott, I wondered if you were still around here, I'm happy you are. It's amazing how much you forget when you relapse, all the things you learn from treatment/meetings/other people. It went all out the window. The perspective from the inside is confusing.

Heatherette, yeah the last time I went through a really bad withdrawal ordeal I used it as motivation to never use again, but I forgot all this because I stopped giving my recovery enough attention. Melatonin helps me get an hour or two of sleep sometimes. Thanks, and I hope you get through okay too.

Hey Faerie, I do find it easier to talk about heavier things on the internet. Some things are still extremely uncomfortable to communicate in any form though. I am grateful in that we live in a time where we can find each other over the internet for support; where in the past we would all be more isolated with what we are going through.

Chris thank you, your words are very kind. It's very uplifting to communicate what I'm going through with people that understand and can support me, even though it's the internet, it feels very genuine and equally comforting.

[Faerie]

Scott,

If you ever want to PM me to talk privately please do.

I am 100% here for you mate!

Much love,

Faerie xx

[PlagueOnSociety]

Hey guys,

So I sort of abandoned my own thread, but I was in too much discomfort to even get on the internet long enough to post here. So I spoke with my doctor (again) and I did a rapid suboxone taper. Maybe a little too rapid, but now on day 4 of my complete detox, no suboxone, no nothin', I am just now this second half of today feeling better. I forced myself to go to a meeting, and I got that mental inspirational boost I needed. I feel like I understand so much more now, how I got into this situation, why, what I could have done differently.. I know now that the physical withdrawal symptoms are a bit more manageable and my mind a bit more free to focus on other things that the up and down "emotional roller coaster" will start. I'm pretty sure I'm at the top of a very tall hill right now, and that a mental nose-dive is bound to come sometime soon. But I thought I'd take advantage of the moment to get on here and post.

After this post I think that I'll have made enough posts that it will allow me to private message people now? I can't remember what my previous username/password was from a year or so ago.

I'll be by again soon enough.

[ZeroNowhere]

here's hoping you'll be feeling tip top in a short while

[Faerie]

Hey Scott,

I've been thinking about you and sending you positive energy.

I hope you are doing ok.

If you feel up to it please let us know how you are doing.

So Much Love,

Faerie xx