Freedom From Fear, Pattees beginning

[Rusty Zipper]

first, i do not blame anyone for my addictions. i accept full responsibilities for it. was born in a very modest italian, americian family. my mom lost three sons. i think this helped with my feelings of aloneness. as a child, i was a pleasure seeker. i found pleasure anyway i could get it. be it thrills, food, adventure, music, visuals, my fantasy land in my head! ect,ect. i always felt insecure. hung out with what i call misfits of society. the rebels, the over the top crowd. my family was in the restraunt business. there was always beer, wine, and booze around. it seemed natural to me me. at the age of 12. or 13, i moved from one side of town to the other, left my misfit friends, and hooked up with another. one friday night. i got drunk, got sick as the famous dog, did not feel pleasure. tried to sneek in the house. you cant do that with a italian mother, she new what happened, and said you shouldnt do that again. i say no way maw. one week later, yep, i drank again. only this time i didnt get sick. got a buzz, liked it, made me feel good, i felt at ease, and invincible. when the weekend came, i drank. was in a band, at the age of 14, was playing in a club, underage. i remember that night like it was yesterday. the waitress brought me a pitcher of beer, by the time the first set was done, the beer was finished, by me and by the end of the night, three more. and i wasn't drunk! i clearly remember thinking, well, i worked hard for that beer, and i deserve it. {sound familiar?} at the age of 14, my tollerance level to pain, booze and drugs, was over the top. and yes, drugs are a part of my story. tried everything known to mankind back then. i worked at a pharmacy back then, i think you know the rest. got'a lot'o people high from that job! ... ok, life marches on, i did the collage circut and a lot of clubs with the band. my d & d'n was stil manigable at that point. without going through the drunk'o'log, and there was a plenty. i'm now 30, met a girl, got married. turned 40 got divorced, and by this point i knew that i "WAS" a alcoholic. i needed it to function, to cope, to stay a-float. fears, insecurities, low self esteem, the feelings of less then, were all part of my d & d'n life. from the age of 12, to the age of 48, i never once stoped, and i mean everyday! i used. drink, drugs, the insanity never end'd... the friends i made out of booze, and drugs, the ones that could make me happy, were slowly turning into my nightmare. by the time i wanted to stop, it was too late. oh, how i tried to make one day clean. just couldnt. the amount of effort i had to put into maintaining my high, was exausting. i wanted to kill myself. i remembered a guy in the rooms that used to hang with { now 11 yrs'} said if ya want to stop, i have a way. he say AA, and i say ut-ugh..... one lonely, ugly, rain'y day. was sit'n in my store. the feelings of dispare, were overwelming. my favorite, ha!...was this never ending, feeling of doom, ppfftt, it realy blew! ...my Band of Gypsy's{ voices in my head}were f'k'n with me 24/7my business was shot, my car, helded together with duct-tape, a stack of bills, broke, living with a crackhead, but more importantly. i was emotionless. i could not laugh, cry, think, feel, nothing! i was numb! i wanted to die right then and there... then what i call reaching deep, deep, down into my soul. i wanted another chance at life. i did not want to die. by the way, i was also physicaly shot too. my liver, kidneys a mess. teeth rotting out. 45lbs, bloated, and yello! ok, now what? had no $$$, no insurance for rehab. then i remember that guy, and remembered three years prior, he gave me a little yellow book to read. the book, its called "Living Sober" i had read it, identified with it, then put it away in the drawer. i dont know just what i was looking for, but when i opened the drawer, there was that book stareing right at me. hmmm, AA huh? wadda i got ta loose. i call the local intergroup office, a guy says to me, why there is a meeting right across the street from you tonight all theese years, help was right in front of me. { holy chitz}i wasn't ready, not miserible enough, not banged up enough, not enough bruises. ok, i go to the meets. was a dark, smoked filled room, man, i felt at home, just like a nightclub. people came up to me, said hello, said all will be well, your in the right place. when it came time to introduce myself, i had no problem saying, Hi, i'm Patrick, and i'm a alcoholic. three days later, sti'l drinking by the way. i go to my bar, see the guy from AA, and tell him, hey, i went ta a meets. he say where ya go'n tanight? { he knew no meets at that place} i say dunno? well now he puts the old step 12 into action, he never once said you have to do this, or that to me. but now, that i hit the rooms, he said your going to this meets tonight. i did, a whole different kinda place, the suit kind, nice cars, fancy cloathes. clean place.. if went there first, dunno if stil be around. but the people, they treated me the same. handing out cards, being friendly. they also say, get a home group, and a sponser. so i made that group my home. its was not like the nightclub one, but stayed, i said ass,wadda i got too loose? grab this pain in the ass that kept asking me "Ya get a Sponser Yep?" figure again, wadda i gots to loose. he say Patrick, nice your coming around, going to meets, but one problem. Ya Got to Get a Sobriety Date! "Yikes!" well, all that know me, and to those that do not. i Detoxed myself, ouch! yup, was willing to die for one day sober. you can read about that, some other time. is now, today i have over three years clean time...for me, how'd i do it, yep, One Day at a Time. 90 days, 90 meets, calling my sponser everyday, hitting my knees in the morning, and night, reading, helping another alk'y, calling another alk'y, working the program to the best of my ability!, being honest with my self, and others, and cant forget good old Rule # 62, "Dont take myself to Damm Serious, yep, by, by, self-absorbsion. i remember a speaker once told her story, the women was dying of cancer, her hubby left, her kids, disowned her, no job, living in a shelter. woe, heavy stuff, huh? the one thing she had was "Grace", she had a glow about her, made the room laugh, showed me that one can handle anything that life throws at us! you know what? that women gave me the bigest amount of hope that i could ask for. so now, i do have a lot of good things in my life, my health is back, or somewhat " old age " my business is growing, my innerself is at peace, i can handle things that used to baffle me { love that line} i do have serenity, and by the way, sti'l rid'n on that Pink Cloud, and all that is to me"Step -3" its really more than that, but 3 is where its at for a quick fix and i have true friends, a wonderfull recovery buddie" {my Sweetie, met in da rooms, one sugestion did not take }. but sadly she is gone from this f'k'n disease.... ohoh, yep, i have with the belief, the trust, and the faith, and my little coin in my pocket that i rub a lot... learned i can handle anything that has come my way... and there's been a bit come'n...yep i have a life beyond my wildest dreams. those f'k'n promises, they do come true, not so much the material, and that seems to just happen strangly... but the new found feelings of being able to cope, with life, with others, with me... i could go on, and on. but was taught anymore than 20-30min. then its about me! ... why not?... oh, recovery, lol... so thats my story, and i'm stick'n to it. i hope that if i gave just one person thats new, or anyone struggling, or coming back, a little bit of some hope, that my job was well done. as i say,there was this way, pattees way, and a whole other way i never thought about Gods way... iwould like to thank, TPTB{ the powers that be} all the friends of Bill W...and right now all of you at SR ... you all have help'd me so, so much... until then! ... bfn, and lots 'o xxxooo, your buddie in sobriety. Patrick, aka Rusty Z, PC {Pink Cloud} Pattee, or ass! (_|_)... ps, and one more thing "its always morel lol, if ya really work the program,listen to those dopey slogans... fasten you seatbelt, cuz ya in for the ride of yourlife ... i'm sick of drive'n, mabe i'll hop back on the SR sobriety bus... are we there yet?