My Story

[Shrinkwrap]

I looked for the 'introductions' thread but only found one for newcomers to recovery so I thought I'd post a little about my story in here & hope that someone reading this might be helped as well as learn a little about me.

My name isn't really Shrinkwrap but I definitely am an alcoholic. I have been sober for over 17 years and in all honesty, I have to say that I have had almost nothing to do with that. In fact, all I've ever been completely willing to do in that time was stay away from one drink for one day. The rest has been accomplished by HP working through the Fellowship of AA.

My story is not dissimilar from anyone else's - I drank (or drugged - I wasn't picky), I pissed people off, embarrassed & humiliated myself & others & generally screwed up and/or lost most good things in my life. I used my 'history' as an excuse; my favorite war cry being 'If you grew up like I did, you'd drink too!'

I overlooked one important fact in that statement. I hadn't grown up. I was like an enormous 2 year old with a driver's license and an ATM card. Scary, no?

I spent the last 6 years of my drinking trying to control it - carefully assessing my mood before I would start drinking. Not surprisingly, I often guessed wrong. The insidiousness of the disease in me is such that I never progressed to the point where I was physically addicted, so I had it all figured out that I couldn't possibly be an alcoholic. However, there is absolutely no question in my mind that emotionally & spiritually I was completely dependent upon substances. I craved numbness, as feeling anything, good or bad, was terrifying to me.

When I finally got to AA the first time, I stayed sober only 2 months but of course, I was 'different' from everybody else & really didn't need AA like 'they' did. I had an education, and a job, and a therapist and I was going to be just fine because I finally had a real plan for continuing to drink safely.

Six months later, I was back and a tad more humble.

This is not to say that I was completely ready to take all the suggestions; I was just a little more willing to admit that perhaps I did not have all the answers for once. I was blessed with a sponsor who kicked my butt unmercifully but held my hand through my first 5th step & taught me the value of service & working the steps. I was also blessed with the friendship of several men who were living with/dying of AIDS & staying sober through every excruciating minute. They taught me that it was possible - and perhaps necessary to stay sober no matter what. My title line under my name is in loving memory of one of them - it was his favorite way to describe himself & has become one of mine as well.

I've stopped going to meetings at several points along the way & found that inevitably, the disease gets reactivated. I don't start actively drinking at those times, but my spiritual & mental well-being invariably suffers. I've found that I have a severe memory impairment - I forget what a jerk I can be without a program of recovery.

My journey is best described by Jerry Garcia: 'What a long, strange trip it's been'. As difficult & even painful as it's been at times, I wouldn't trade it because I know in my soul that had I not gotten sober, these past 17 years would not have been possible. The day that I came back to AA, I literally had to choose between a meeting & suicide. I have never regretted or second guessed my choice on that day, which is astounding to me as indecision & procrastination are my middle names.

If you are new or coming back - or if you've been around & are contemplating going out to do more research, do yourself a favor. Stick around. It's worth it. I promise.

Thanks for reading.