Looking for a better deal

[chris k]

Looking for a better deal
I saw my first shrink in 1975 for my drug problem. I went to my first aa meeting in 1979, I was 20 and didnt think i needed it. my friend Pete did, he was a sorry drunk. I knew i had problems, but it couldnt be my drinking, everybody i knew drank. Between 79 and 85 i saw several different counsolers and therapists, started trying different churches and religions. First treatment center in 85, i was reintroduced to AA. i didnt think i needed a sponsor or any help,just wanted my wife back. Note at this point I was married, had a good job, owned a house, 2 cars and a Harley. I was LOOKING FOR A BETTER DEAL than AA, the meetings were a pain, i wasnt sure about God anymore and i was smart enough to stay sober on my own, i just needed to find the right self help book. I went in and out of AA to keep HER happy. She finally had all the fun she could stand and we got a divorce. I went to treatment again, more counsolors,different churches, i tried moving to different cities and states. By the time I got to Texas in 1990, all I had left were 2 trash bags of clothes. BY 1992 I no longer believed in God, had made the rounds of AA groups in the metroplex and was living in a shack in south Dallas aka the ghetto. My girlfiend of the month had to get her probation sheet signed to stay out of jail, so i took her to aa meetings once a week to get it signed. She left me for a guy who had money to support her habit. By this time I hated everything about AA, and i hated each and every member idividually. LOOKING FOR A BETTER DEAL had left me entirelly on my own, no friends, no family livin in a shack. Funny thing was the people at AA were the only ones that kept saying " we're glad your here, come on back". They had doubts that i would ever get sober, nobody clapped when i got my last 2 desire chips, but they told me to come back. Finally sitting in my shack, drinking beer and smoking crack at 3 am i saw what my life had become, and i didnt like it. I had become a low bottom alcoholic and addict of the hopeless variety.
I said a prayer to a God i didnt believe in stating that "i give up, Ill do what ever it takes to not drink and drug anymore, even if it means going to AA and you know i hate those bastards" This was in August of 1992 and I spent the next 3 fun filled days going thru DTs with no air conditioning. my shack had an intersting feature, field rats, i couldnt tell which ones were real for a couple of days,they left plenty to clean up in my bed when the fog cleared. I almost died detoxing myself.
At this point i was bankrupt, finacially, phsically,mentally, and spiritually.i took a bath got dressed and armed myself and I went back to the Group, not looking for any friends,jobs, girlfriends, or anything else. I just wanted to know how these mental defectives were staying sober when i couldnt. 2 men at that group showed me what to do. I was desperate so I did what they did.
Did i like it? NO Did I agree with everything I heard in AA meetings? No, and I still dont. As a matter of fact i hear alot of BS in discussion meetings that has nothing to do with the steps as they are laid out in the big book.
When i got honest with myself, and took the simple actions, my life changed. At first it got worse, i had been tearing up my life for a long time and had to face the consequences of my actions. As time went on my life started to get better.
Today Im 13 years sober, I have been married for almost 12 years, I have NEVER called my wife a nasty name to her face in anger, i have never cheated on her. We live in a very nice house, Ihave my own business, we have 2 trucks and a cool old harley. my family is back in my life. I am a productive,well respected member of my community. I am not a member of an organized religon, I dont understand God, that is God as I understand Him. I do pray to Him every day, I ask for the willingness to do what is necessary to stay sober each day and thank Him at night. What other people believe, I dont know and dont care. Thats your business not mine. I was LOOKING FOR A BETTER DEAL and i found it by getting eye to eye with another drunk, taking some very simple actions and trustin the process.
I have come to understand the difference between the fellowship of AA and the program of recovery in the big book. The fellowship is a bunch of people trying to change their lives and help others, some more than others. the program of recovery is in the big book, the best kept secret in AA. It works for me, I dont know about anyone else.