My Story

[1dayatatime]

I will attempt to sum up my entire life without it being too fragmented, lol. I will skip my childhood as it was like so many others, alcoholism and all that goes with it.

My name is Barbie and I am a codie in recovery. I have been married to my husband for 14 years, but I have been his girl since we were 12 and 13. 23 years in total together. It was love at first site and we knew we had something special when we met. We bonded in a big way, we connected and somehow filled all the voids we were missing in each others lives. We grew up together, went thru puberty together, except somewhere along the way, I grew up and he was lagging behind in maturity. I always knew he would grow up and become the man I knew he could be after he soared his oats. I was always waiting for him to get things out of his system and always knew when the time come he would be as grown up as me. We soon settled in an adult world at 17 and 18 with 2 kids and our first place of our own. He worked odd jobs and payed the bills, I took care of the house and became mommy. He had some teenage issues that needed tended to, I waited patiently for him to go thru them.

My husband is an addict who is addicted to drugs, and I am a codie addicted to him. It started with pot, thru the years this was not a big problem even tho I was always trying to convince him it was not a good thing to do. So he would hide the fact he smoked it and started lieing about where he was going and how long he would be gone. This was not often and we seemed to work around it. As the years went by, I started being the nag and he became a lier to keep from hearing me nag. I was hated by all his friends, and I didn’t know many of them because he knew me too well to bring any home. I found fault in anyone and everyone around me, I thought I was somehow superior and had much morals of which seemed no one else did. I was playing house and wanted the Brady bunch family (my favorite show ). Somehow along the way I became this bitter person who was miserable because no one was as perfect as me. All these people around me just kept me upset with the things they were doing in there lives. Especially AH because he was growing further away from me and I blamed anyone and everyone but him he came in contact with. I was noticing this wonderful person I had grown up with, this person I loved dearly found many reasons to have to go somewhere and always a perfect excuse as to why he could not make it home when he said.

Later in the years he started arguments as soon as he walked in the door. I fell right into the trap and gave him his reasons he needed to leave for a few. Every argument was either about my appearance, the house, my cooking, my wifeyness, my nagging etc… So I went many years trying to fix what was causing him to want to leave. I cleaned till my fingers blead, I cleaned to the point I never sat down. He still found a cobweb underneath and behind the couch that upset him. I became so into my appearance that I had little time for family outside my kids. Between tanning beds, hair salons, makeup sessions and shopping for just the right outfit and the gym sessions I was a total freak, lol. He still found some fault and I would feel I was not pretty enough to keep him home. I blamed it on my looks and dirty house of why he left a lot. Then there were the times my cooking caused an argument, it simply was not flavorfull and he stepped out for a sandwich and could not eat the dinner I cooked. Well I soon became the best damn cook in the state and have had many tell me I needed to open my own restaurant. I soon stopped the nagging, quit telling him to clean up after himself because he said I was not his mother. I quit telling him he needed to floss and for him to please fix his pants, and lord those socks just won’t do. His hair was a mess and I often tried to make him wear it a certain way. So I stopped nagging and started picking up after him, tending to him like he was a KING to keep him home because we had a family that needed him there. How selfish of me to have upset him in anyway to make him want to leave. I mean he worked and payed the bills, what was my problem for being so ungrateful. I just needed to fix some of my faults so he would be pleased and not leave. So for a few years things were great. We rarely argued, he was a great father, and I was a great slave. I even had family members tell me how lucky I was to have him. I mean he worked, and we had lots of material things, lots of material things, hmmmm lots of material things. The kids had wanted for nothing. We shopped a lot. His family let me know that he worked hard and needed his breaks and I should be understanding of his needs. So I did as I was told and became a silent shell of a person. When he went on gambling sprees these were his outlets and I needed to let him unwind and have a life. I always made excuses as to why he wasn’t at ballgames, family outings, band concerts, and I had this BIG stupid happy face that everyone said lit up the room when I walked in it. Always happy and never complaining.

I soon became self righteous and had the answers for everyones messed up lives, I talked excessively about others situations, analyizing every move, word, action everyone around me. I mean I was deliriously happy and everyone needed to be as good and selfless as me so they could be as happy. In case you can’t read between the lines, I couldn’t fix my own life so I decided to fix everyone elses. I didn’t have time for my own because I was always running to someones rescue, helping, being selfless. My kids were always the best mannered, best dressed, and well behaved because I was always on top of things. I didn’t just have holiday parties I had the SHABANG. I spent weeks preparing for holidays and having the perfect dinners, everyone left happy and in awwwe of my abilities, how talented I was, what a wonderfull mother, friend, wife I was. I kept this up for many years and was a success, AT MAKING EVERYONE ELSE AROUND ME HAPPY.

Somewhere along the way, AH became an addict of pain pills oxycodone/hydrocodone and cocaine. I think any drug would do, he just had these 2 as his DOC. I know he did Meth, Crack, Heroin, Extasy, to name a few others. I didn’t even notice as I was so involved with so many others and not wanting to upset him I gave him lots of space. He was a great lier and his absences could always be explained, no matter how far fetched, because I just knew it was something I was doing wrong why he left in the first place. And then when it was more than obvious he was having a drug problem his family started telling me I had to do something. I had to quit allowing him space and needed to demand more of his time and that he spend it with his family. WHOOOA, WHAT???? It was told to my face how this was all my fault because I didn’t expect him to be a husband. That I needed to get my **** together and fix this. I was in shambles. My make believe fake world of happiness and contentment was crumbling in around me. I was such a failure. How could I have been so selfish to allow my husband to become an addict.

Dealers were coming to his brother telling him that we needed to get AH some help, that he was crazy and was out of control. AH worked out of town and was only home on the weekends. I got the messages and knew I had to do something. I sat outside bars, I cussed many druggies out, I called numerous people threatening there lives if they sold to AH. I searched every inch of AH personal belongings, always listening when he walked in the next room waiting to hear if a pill bottle opened or hear him snorting. I listened in on phone conversations, I snuck and watched AH from around corners. I reported my daily findings to his family and they soon told me they were busy and did not need this info today. But I needed to tell someone, so I went out on a search to tell anyone about AH and our problems which would listen. I was a mess and miserable because of what AH was doing to us all. I simply had to fix this and was completely lost at what to do. I got sick from worry, I worried about AH, I worried about his family being upset with me for allowing him to keep being an addict. I soon became hatefull, mean and very hard to be around. Ruthless with my bitter words, I hated everyone and hated AH for my miserable life. I constantly brought up how good I was and how perfect I was, and what a moral good person I was for always making good decisions. For being selfless only to be mad for being took advantage of later. I contiplated suicide as I felt like a failure at my marriage at being a good mom because I was not tending to my life, housework, daily activities. I did not leave the house, but I left the kids in my mind and just became this big bundle of nerves, hatefull, and miserable. I did this blaming everyone I ever selflessly went out of my way for. I blamed AH for me wanting to die, for becoming an addict while I was so perfect. How could he do this to me???? Who the hell does he think he is, he owed me, he owed me big time for me being such a good wife and such a good mother to his children. He was gonna change and I was gonna see to it he did just that. I threatened to divorce, I threatened suicide, I threatened whatever I felt I had as a weapon to get AH to become clean and off drugs. I rarely slept and was always worrying. I looked hideous. Bags and dark circles under my eyes, I looked worn, torn and sickly. All because of what someone else was doing to themselves and feeling like it was all due to something I did or did not do to cause it somehow. I became very obese and completely gave up on my appearance, which I blamed on AH for the stress and worry he put me thru.

FAST FORWARD a couple of years:

AH=Intervention-Detox-sobriety-relapse-sobriety etc…..
ME=SR-Alanon-recovery

I would work my recovery and try to make him work his. Codie is my middle name . This is a big NO NO, and soon realized this. Lately I have been letting him go thru what he needs to go thru, staying out of his way for the most part. It was incredibly hard to do this as I want him well in no uncertain terms, and my control virgo codie self has a hard time allowing others the space they need to help themselves. I see this now and what a relief it is to know I have no control over his life.

For the past 2 years life has been a wakeup call for me. I came out of denial and have seen alot of things I tried to not see. Not just in others and see them for what they were going thru, but myself.

This new found reality all started with an Aunt who decided to share something with me. A book she had that she called her bible. It was alonons “one day at a time”. When she slid this little brown book acrossed the table to me I remember thinking “AH is not an alcoholic, what is this gonna do for me?” I took it, thanked her and then tossed it in the backseat of my truck. It sat there for almost a month before I took it out and decided one evening to just look thru it. WOW it was so me in this book. So much was happening and I couldn’t put it down. I started seeing a pattern with drug abuse as the same as alcoholics. I read it, and reread certain pages. I decided to start trying to work the steps. And thru the steps and reading this book, I found myself and quit obsessing about AH and others lives around me.

I have worked thru the steps and revisited a few, skipped over some and then went back to them. I knew if I stuck with this I could be in a different place in my mind, no matter how the addict in my life was doing. I knew this as I seen proof thru others that had found some peace of mind and was able to function and have a life even tho the addicts in there lives were not doing so well. I wanted what they had, so I decided to do what they did to find serenity and peace.

Each step I have taken has been difficult at times, and at times a relief as I started really working the program. The 12 steps seem simple and at first I wondered how can this help, because my problem I was having seemed so huge. I just know it works if you work it and you will find serenity


The first one overwhelmed me.

1.We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

In admitting this I felt like I was not doing my duty as a wife, that I had failed at my marriage. But my life had become unmanageable. I was powerless and not from the lack of trying. I realized any daily task had become overwhelming and I simply had no space in my brain to think outside AH’s disease and how to get him off drugs. Doing laundry, doing bills, dealing with the kids everyday little quirps, were much too hard to deal with. Then I started thinking of all the things I tried to do, manipulate, throw guilt, turned in dealers, listened on phone conversations, went thru the house and AH’s personal belongings to try and figure how to get him to stop using. How nothing worked and everything I master planned either backfired or simply failed. So I decided this first step did indeed apply to me. So I sat down and bawled, I cried for several days and Admitted I was powerless over his addiction, and that my life had become unmanageable.

2.Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

This step was very hard because I had givin up on God or what I was taught was my HP. I was Pentecostal raised as a young child during a few brief years I was taken from my mother while living with an Aunt. My father found brief recovery and had become a preacher during this time and had many sermons while under the influence of Nyquil. He was an alcoholic, and Nyquil had enough alcohol in it to get him thru this brief period he called sobriety. They taught me that God was unforgiving, vengefull, and because my life was such a mess, seemed to me he was not helping me out any. So How was I to say this and mean it? Lets just say with much soul searching I found my own God inside of me and did much research on the bible and who this God was they spoke of. I found the bible is simply a tool in teaching the word of God, It is not an exact science, it was written with all religions to some degree in mind. This is facts not speculation. It was written from many books combined into one. I found that in my belief if there was no God or a man named Jesus that walked this earth teaching his fathers words, then there would not be anything throughout history telling us so. Not just the bible is God or Deity spoken of or Jesus’s teachings of the word of his father. So I did come to believe there was a power greater than myself and was hoping I could be restored to sanity. I had to revisit this step many times and even skipped over it at first.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

I did just this. I turned my will and my life to the God I found in me as best I understood it to be.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

EWWWWW this step was a hard one, as I just knew I had some faults I wasn’t willing see. I had to skip this one also at first and come back to it as I just wasn’t ready to dig into myself to see who I was. I mean afterall it was thru everyone else I came to be who I was right. I mean if it wasn’t for everyone screwing up, I wouldn’t have any problems right? I didn’t even know who I was. But when I was ready this step opened so much of myself and I then found my problems had more to do with me than anyone else. I found myself in this step, and quit pointing fingers at those around me for my misery.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Now this step was a little heartbreaking, because I seen some things in myself I realllly did not like. Then to add salt to my wounds I had to admit this to someone. Well I did and apologized to some people of my self rightousness and what I thought was what everyone should be doing. I felt pretty low about myself with this one as I finally seen myself for the first time. I wasn’t perfect, I had many faults, and I had to accept them and understand them. I was vindictive to some degree, I was a gossipin busy bee, I thought everyone had no morals except me. I felt like I was always in the right and had to except that I was indeed just as faulty as the next guy and far from perfect. I won’t go into detail with all my character defects because well I am not that person these days.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Steps 6 and 7 were a relief, and for me deliberated me from my own evil world I had conjoured up in the name of Goodness. I worked hard to stop an action of the old me, and seen where things were headed when I would get upset. I didn’t want to be vindictive, or self righteous, and I wanted all that went with these defects of character gone along with it. And I found my shortcomings were due to me not following thru with being a better person. I felt these steps was a great one and one I revisit from time to time.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made a direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Well my list was huge. But found it didn’t mean thoughts, and even some things of what I said were meant to be said and not to be taken back or apologized for. I was a babbling crybaby with these steps and I am sure made some people thinking I was some weirdo. And I myself was on this list. I apologized to me about not loving myself more, not tending to and caring for myself better.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

This step has allowed me to stop and see what I was doing was not healthy and to nip it in the butt. To admit to myself and to others that very moment I was overstepping boundarys, or lashing out in anger and not what I was really feeling. This helps me not to go to that dark place I used to visit from time to time. This step helps me not to go thru obsessive thinking, and when I do, to realize it and stop it. This step is a great step and one I revisit often.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

You see this step helps in understanding our HP and what his intentions are. How he can help if we let him. Open up to him, allow him in our hearts and lives. I thought when I prayed for AH to get sober and for God to fix it, and when AH did not get better, well I thought God is not listening so why am I praying. As we can not help or fix others as individuals, we also can not ask god to do something for someone who is unwilling to do for themselves. I can ask God and pray for him to watch over my loved ones. I can ask that he gives them signs and nudge at there very souls, which I believe he does without me praying. But it is up to the individual to open up and except God for themselves. I do pray for myself and ask him to give me strength, patience, and understanding. I pray that his will within me be done and to give me the strength I need to carry his will out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

As the more I learn from my recovery, I do try to see situations in a no nonsence manner and try to relate to people by giving them some of what I have learned. This step is more for the advanced and thru many years of recovery as I am still learning and do not want to confuse others. I do try to plant seeds and try to have some type of literature to hand them if in need to find serenity. Things I print out, sayings, poems, codependacy questionaire’s, lol. Plus I have given out as gifts Melody Beatties Book “Co Dependant No More”. This book has been my Bible as well as my alanon books.

These steps seem simple and yet complex at the same time. But working these steps and revisiting them has brought me to a better place in my heart, mind, body, and soul.

I have come to understand I have choices, that I can not save the world, that I only have control over my own life and happiness. I found that my life does not have to be a reaction to others actions, that I can choose to be bitter and all alone as NO one is perfect (including me) or except others for who they are and try my best to take care of me and leave others alone. Allow people around me the space they need to figure out there problems while I tend to mine. That it is ok to not meddle in others affairs to try and fix them and it does not mean I do not love or care. I only help those when it is ok and not gonna drain me, and if I feel it is too much, I simply say I am unable. I no longer worry who likes or dislikes me. Because I like me and that’s the main person I need to care for me.

It works if you work it, and from the depths of hell (my own hell) I have come back from, I am living proof it does. We can not preach sobriety and help for others if we ourselves are not willing to work on our own things. I know my AH and I do have a better relationship even tho he still slips from time to time. I do not place my daily feelings anymore on how well or not well he is. And if you knew me personally you would think this was a miracle. I still have days I completely break and just feel soo sad, but not for what AH is doing to me, but what he is doing to himself. But I try not to stay in those feelings very long as I know it is his choices and his concequences for his own actions. Each day gets better and each day I am finding more of who I am and where I want to be. Thanks for reading this codies story on her road to recovery. I wish you well and remember it works if you work it and take of you.


Serenity Prayer
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.