Dawn's story

[Dawn10]

I am an addict. I began using perscription pain pills --it's hard to remember exactly when, but my best guess is about 15 years ago. I had easy access, as I was a nurse. At first, I justified it by taking pills that a patient didn't use and were to be destroyed. Then I began the " one for you, one for me" scenario. Then it led to diversion. I really can honestly say I became addicted long before I realized I was addicted. I can't recall why I started, but I think initially I had some major dental work done and was taking perscribed meds and then it became so easy.
My date of recovery is Nov. 3, 1998. I have not had a relapse. I praise God for the fact that in recovery, he has taken away the cravings. One thing I have learned in recovery is You can't do it alone. There were, many, many times that I tried to stop on my own. It worked for a few weeks, but I would eventually start in using again. I was "found out" on Nov. 3, 1998 and lost my job as a nurse. It was devastating, but in a way, such a huge relief. As I began therapy, I realized I had wanted to be found out. I have a very supportive family and they helped me financially until I found a new job. I made the decision to not even consider returning to nursing--( I could have eentually if I went through the Impaired Nurses Assistance Program), but I knew myself and I didn't want to place myself in any situation that would impair my recovery. I have a job I love and I am happier than I ever imagined I could be.
In therapy, I did learn that using the pills was my way of controlling things in my life, and stuffing the anger I felt. My Mom and I have always had a contentious relationship. She is very controlling and has her own addicitons, ( food) and by taking the pills I was able to numb those feelings of anger and hurt. I still have issues with her, but I can handle the feelings of anger, frustration and resentment much better with the tools I have learned in therapy.
I do not conciously crave the pills, but from time to time I dream I am using and fortunately I wake up and realize it is a dream and the sense of relief I feel is so overwhelming.
Recovery continues......looking forward not backward,
Dawn