MemphisBlues -- My story

[MemphisBlues]

Set the alarm to get up for a step workshop meeting via Skype, booted SR, been reading the newcomers thread, and, oh, I forgot...today marks one year of sobriety for me, the longest in the past four decades that I know of.

No immediate rainbows, back-flips or perpetual orgasms, just me, my computer, instant coffee, my electronic cigarette and no joint, Klonopin or dash to the fridge to count how many beers I slammed last night.

I smoked my last joint on Aug. 6, 2010.

I took my last Klonopin -- one of 10 two-milligram Klonopin pills I would swallow each and every day as prescribed by a shrink -- on Sept. 10, 2010.

I went cold turkey from the Klonopin washed down with booze for about a week, and gave in and drank on Sept. 17, 2010. It didn't do anything to stop the withdrawals.

The trips to the emergency room began around Sept. 20, 2010. Five of them in all soon followed. The hallucinations, shakes, muscle spasms, soaring blood pressure, fevers, were all full blown, racking my body, all during a 10-day period of zero sleep.

I chain smoked and watched sunrise and sunset and cursed the world. And I prayed, which I had never, ever done before -- with conviction. I begged God, actually. I prayed to everyone who I knew that has died, and to a God I could never understand.

And then I went insane, complete delusional states. I ended up taking an ambulance ride to the hospital where I was locked in a psych ward for 10 days. I was released on Oct. 8, 2010.

So I bought a bottle of brandy!

And I took a drink and dumped the rest down the drain.

For months I couldn't even boot my computer, focus on a sentence, comprehend what the anchors on CNN were saying.

I finally booted the computer and landed on SR, after googling benzo withdrawal, PAWS, and a myriad of other recovery-related issues. I studied benzo addiction and withdrawal syndrome for two months, writing about my experience on benzo support forums, writing a journal. I hid from the world until the end of January, 2011.

When I could walk, I went to an AA meeting.

And I began posting on SR a few weeks later.

I went to morning NA meetings and evening AA meetings. I got a sponsor. I did service work at a prison. I went from complete isolation to being surrounded by people in recovery. I discovered I wasn't terminally unique -- shock.

I probably should receive a Gold Star from SR for being logged on longer than any other member since I leave it booted on my computer for 12 hours at a time. It's there so I can troll around the newcomer thread. Funny, there's rarely that much action in the step threads! I've seen people talk of relapsing in the rooms of NA and AA after 10 years, 20 years, and 30 days.

I read of people relapsing here on SR every day.

It keeps me sober. And the people here are amazing, storm troopers in the mind wars of addiction, and I think you are the most courageous people on the planet.

Thanks to all.