My Story

[Ninerfan]

I guess I was no different than many kids my age when I first started drinking. It was at a party, or out with friends and we were experimenting with alcohol. I loved it right away. I was no longer shy, especially around girls, I could dance, and socialize and I just felt great. And if I made an a$$ of myself, oh well. It didn't dawn on me till many years later that I was the only one of my friends that was getting falling down, sloppy drunk. I was having fun and alcohol was the key to having that fun.

After High School I just bummed around not really knowing what to do with myself. Again this is not to unusual. Many young men my age were doing the same things. I took several jobs none lasting for more than a year, went to a Community College for several years but couldn't do anything with that, finally went and worked on my Uncles farm for four years, and during all that time alcohol was my best friend. My life began revolving around alcohol. I didn't go anywhere that didn't serve alcohol or if I did I didn't stay long.

I bounced in and out of my parents house most of my life. I knew there was something not quite right about that but couldn't put my finger on what exactly it was. They were great enablers, this was something I found out much later, and my Dad had his own drinking problem. Oddly enough, I never saw it in him. My brother had to tell me and at first I didn't believe him.

During the Eighties time really seemed to speed up for me. I finaly found a job that I could hold for more than one year because I was basically my own boss. I would usually start work after my hangover wore off from the night before. I wasnt a daily drinker but when I did drink I usually got drunk and I was always legally drunk. And that never stopped me from driving. I picked up five DUI's over the course of 20 years and a few drunk in publics but never considered myself a problem drinker. I was sentenced to AA after my third DUI and I can remember being in the room but not what was said. I just wasn't ready to listen.

After quitting that job I eventually moved back to my parents house, this time for the last time. My drinking had accelerated to almost daily drinking with some worriesome side effects. Blackouts were beginning to happen to me. Very scary. Several car accidents and close calls with pedestrians almost getting hit. But now I couldn't stop drinking. My life was in the toilet and alcohol was the only thing that made it liveable. I really beat myself up for my past mistakes and failures.
I moved with my parents to northern cal. in the early 90's. They were retired by now and I had every intention of moving back to the Bay Area after a while to continue the party. Six months later my Dad had a stroke that left him completely incapacitated and I was stuck taking care of him. My brother had his own family to look after and I had nothing to do, no job and no prospects of finding one. No life I might add by this time. So I was made responsible for Dad and I learned just how much I hated responsibility. My Mom was also having mini-strokes during this time that slowly eroded her ability to be responsible for herself. And so here I was becoming totally responsible for the daily running of the house and never drinking more in my life. By this time I coulcn't even go into bars because I was becoming a sloppy drunk. Sometimes one or two beers would knock me on my a$$. I had to stop going to bars and I loved the bar scene. I was finally getting the message that I might have a drinking problem.

About this time I got my last DUI. And this time I paid attention. After 26 years of drinking I finally realized that I had been an alcoholic almost from the start. I didn't fight this thing for very long. I couldn't anymore. I realized that the rrest of my life was going to be a carbon copy of the first part of my life. And to me, that was intolerable. i had had enough. I couldn't stand living without alchol and I couldn't stand living with it either. AA offered me a way out. They said I could change my life, make it work, and be happy. I clung to those words of hope like a drowning man clings to a life raft. I heard the Promises or I read them and that is what I wanted. I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin. I just wanted to grow up, be a man, and try to live a decent, happy life. I wasn't sure but I hoped AA could do that for me. And so I started.

What its like now? I'm sober for 11 years this month and it hasn't been easy. Growing up can be painful. Hurt feelings, troubled relationships, and getting and losing jobs all happened in sobriety. But I still cling to the hope that AA offers me. I truly have never been happier or more content in my life. And I am finally enjoying myself most of the time now. AA saved my life. And a special thanks to my sponsor. That guy listened to more whiney crap than anyone. Thanks for letting me share a portion of my story.