Lonely-My Story

[Lonely]

THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS

There are so many things I don’t understand and probably never will.

It was the mid to late 1990’s. I was married to a wonderful woman. If I had to do it all over again, starting in 1972 when I met her, I wouldn’t change a thing. She is the mother of my children and I will always love her for that. But there came a time that we both should have said our good-byes. That time came and went by a matter of years before we would finally end it. For so long I loved her but I wasn’t in love with her. For the longest time we even lacked intimacy. I used to think that a leading indicator of a marriage was never fighting. I was naïve about so many things. Instead our romance died on the vine long ago. We had talked about going our separate paths after the kids finished school but never did it. In hindsight, even our children, who we thought we were protecting, would have been better off if we had ended it sooner.

Instead I did a juggling act. A married active alcoholic was about to have an affair. The relationship was doomed even before our first kiss. Affairs are lies. Over 90% fail to develop into a long term relationship. Anything whose foundation is lie, regardless of the players, can never be all that it could have been under different circumstances. Anything that can not be held to the light of day is doomed to darkness.

Add to that the second ingredient, active alcoholism. To gain status as an alcoholic, it is not necessary to drink large quantities of alcohol (although that helps). The primary qualification is stinking thinking. At the top of an alcoholic’s to do list is to lie about everything even if telling the truth is easier.

I had thought of having an affair only twice during my marriage. Those thoughts lasted less than a day each time. I was still able to think rationally back then. I realized how it would complicate my life.

It was a summer in the late 1990’s. I walked into her office and was introduced. They say that through millions of years of evolution our brains are able to spot a suitable mate in a fraction of a second. In a fraction of that second I immediately knew. She smiled at me. My brain videotaped that smile and played it back a million times since. I was in awe of her. Others tell me she lacks beauty. To me she was and is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met in my entire life. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I wouldn’t change anything about her if I could. She nervously swiveled in her chair, looked me in the eye, and said: “Hiiii”. Then I learned her name. Such a beautiful name. I was in awe of her only seconds after meeting her. Thirty seconds after meeting her it was time to leave.

It was a long drive where we had some business to take care of. I’m glad I wasn’t driving because I was so distracted by the memory of her. During the entire trip back and forth I had nothing on my mind except her. I asked the driver question after question after question about her. I couldn’t learn enough. She had made a lasting impression on me in thirty seconds that obviously continues to this day.

One day we passed on the stairs at her office. She could hear my stomach gurgling from a lack of food which is also common in alcoholics. She invited me to her home for a home cooked meal. I was amazed. She was poorer than poor. She was in poverty but yet she would do that for me? What a selfless act of kindness. She had no other motive than to help a stranger. She again amazed me.

As I got to know her better, everything built upon my first impression of her. The more I got to know her, the more I wanted to get to know her. Her voice was so beautiful. I couldn’t get enough. There were many times when I was out in the field that I called her. I would have her check the equipment at her end. In reality I knew there was no reason to have her check it. I had already done that. I called just to her voice. I can still hear her laugh.

One Saturday we found ourselves together alone at work. When she was done with her work, she was about to leave. Then we found ourselves talking for another half hour. I wanted to learn as much about her life as I could even though I had no intention of ever becoming romantically involved. But as she was about to leave, a feeling came over me that I find difficult to describe. I wanted to tell her to put her things down, grab her, turn her around, and kiss her over and over and over. But I didn’t. When she left I felt a loneliness.

In time I took another job. She crossed my mind occasionally but not often. The job required me to travel. One night while driving in Pennsylvania, I was going down a dark road. Like something reminiscent of the Twilight Zone, I saw her face up ahead. She was so beautiful. She was smiling at me. For probably an hour or so I could not get her out of my mind. Another time on an overnight assignment I had an amazing dream of her. She was smiling at me. We held each other so tight and just looked into each other’s eyes. For me it is rare to dream so I remember it well. I hadn’t seen her in probably a year at that point. Why did she appear in my dreams?

It would be another year or so before our paths would cross again. I was summoned to a project that would require regular contact with her. I saw her as an amazing woman; not a potential mate. I was hardly in a position to begin a relationship and I knew I wasn’t ready for one. Over the years I had been in love. My lover was alcohol. I loved it because it numbed me. I didn’t have to deal with problems in my life. I didn’t have to face my demons. I knew that a relationship with anyone wasn’t in the cards for me. I had long since rejected the teachings of Catholicism. All that was left was a sense of morality and the guilt many Catholics were trained to feel.

One night there was a party scheduled with coworkers in a local bar. I thought about seeing her all day long. At one point I decided not to go. I didn’t want to get myself in that position. I was struggling with it. Late in the day I changed my mind. When I first saw her that night, I thought how pretty she looked all dressed up. She was stunning. As the night progressed the alcohol flowed. And then something happened that would forever change my life. Some drunk ******* touched her breast and told her how nice it felt. I felt the blood flow to my head. The caveman in me had two choices. Fight or flee. My adrenalin was going. I was ready for a fight. My instinct was to punch him in the face. I started to raise my hand just as he backed off. I put my hand around her nudging her to get away. As soon as I touched her my subconscious feelings for her surfaced to the conscious level. She was more to me than just a friend. Then another drunk started. He said: “You two make a great looking couple. Why don’t both of you go get a motel room?” I decided to remove myself from the insanity. I told her that I had to leave soon. She decided to leave also. I walked her to her car. More intense feelings began. The blood was rushing through my body again. This time it was excitement. This beautiful woman had done something to me that captured me. I wanted to hold her hand but I thought and thought about it. Finally I reached out. Her hand was there to meet mine. An indescribable feeling came over me. It was so intense. It was not sexual. I had an intense urge to kiss her. I could not wait a moment longer. She turned. I put my arms around her. I felt her hair on my face. Then I kissed her lips. It was as if everything happened in slow motion. We kissed and we kissed and we kissed. I was filled with emotion. Five minutes later she softly whispered: “I’ve got to go”. I could barely speak but I somehow I managed to whisper ‘ just a moment longer’. We kissed and kissed over and over again. People were walking by but I didn’t care. I didn’t want that moment to end. Eventually she said she really had to go. She got in her car and I kissed her one more time. I watched her drive away. Her car got smaller and smaller and smaller until it disappeared. I stood there in amazement just trying to comprehend what had just happened. I have been with many women in my lifetime but I never had the feelings I felt that night. It was hypnotic. I felt more peace at that moment than I have ever known in my lifetime. The feeling continued on the drive home. I could taste her lipstick on my lips during the entire trip. I didn’t want to lose that taste so I drank nothing and smoked nothing the entire time. When I finally got in bed, I looked up at the ceiling. There was a calmness over my entire body that I had never felt before. I always slept in the fetal position for my entire life but not that night. I fell asleep staring at the ceiling. To me this is one remarkable aspect of what she did to me. I always fell asleep staring at the ceiling with the same feeling of calm the entire time we were together.

The next morning I drove two hours just to see her again. When I walked in, I heard her familiar: “Hiiiii” accompanied by her killer smile. Quite honestly it made my hair stand on edge. I felt a chill in my spine. I felt such joy and happiness to see her. About 10 o’clock I talked her into being alone for a few minutes. I had no idea if she would kiss me again. I thought she might want to be alone to remind me that I was married and end it right there. I looked at her from head to toe. What I saw was a portrait in beauty in the spiritual sense. That portrait is something that can not be captured on film nor be described with justice. It remains etched in my brain. She had long beautiful fingernails that I saw pass my shoulder. Soon her arms were around me and mine around her. I felt the warmth of her body. We caressed each other then our lips met once again. There was another shiver in my spine. What was it about this woman? Between that kiss and our next kiss later that night, a lot of things happened to me.

I have many regrets. They are too numerous to mention. My Catholicism started to kick in. It was a conflict of the immorality of affairs and the intense feelings I had for her in such a short period of time. It was the one moment in time that I can say for sure my drinking escalated, not that I wasn’t an alcoholic already. Between our second and third kiss, I drank more than usual., something that would not stop for another year. It suppressed the anxious feelings I had inside about unfinished business at home. It also began the decline of my relationship with this beautiful woman not to mention my wife. When I saw her that night, she looked so beautiful. She was such a lady. What I wanted was to talk and get to know all about her. I wanted to see her baby pictures. I wanted to see her high school yearbook. I wanted to know what she did after work and on the weekend. I wanted a quickie course in this woman’s life. Instead of telling her of my feelings, I turned into the same kind of drunken ******* we met the night before at the bar. I began groping her. That is also near the top of my list of regrets in this lifetime. It said to her that I wanted her sexually when quite honestly that wasn’t the case at all at that point in time. As I look back now, in the early stages of our relationship I was not aroused sexually. In fact when we were intimate the first time I could not perform. Not because I didn’t find her attractive. In fact it was quite the opposite. To me, she possessed beauty (physical and charisma) I’ve never known in other women. Fortunately for both of us, she wasn’t easy. Two months passed before we were intimate. That gave us both the time we needed to get to know each other.

I split my time between home and her hometown. I would talk to her on the phone regularly. When I heard her voice on phone I melted. I became someone else. The calmness I felt can only be likened to the spiritual feeling one feels when a newborn infant is held for the first time. She made me feel feelings I’ve never felt before. Today I know what those feelings were. They were love but I had yet to put a label on them at the time. On the days that I went to see her, I would get out of my car and actually run to meet her. Many times I was one tear away from crying my eyes out with joy. I felt such emotional highs just before seeing her again. I would sneak up on her. She would always be singing. Then she would see me in the corner of her eye, smile, then run to me. To me she was Miss America. She was the moon and the stars. It was without a doubt the happiest time in my life. Every time I saw her I would kiss her over and over and over. We would hold each other so tight that a crowbar couldn’t separate us. When ever I held her hand, I wondered if she could feel mine shaking. Many times I quivered like a teenage even though I was middle aged. Even in my wildest of dreams, I NEVER imagined that I could feel so intensely about anyone. I simply didn’t know I was capable of it. Every second we spent together I cherish to this day. It would not be an understatement to describe it as heavenly. For certain it was spiritual.

Two months had passed and I knew not what was happening to me until she told me. One night she said: “I love you”. I thought for just a second and said to myself: “You dumb son-of-a-bitch. That’s what’s happening to me! Call me the poster boy for nativity but it took a label for me to understand completely. I was in love. That’s why I can’t sleep when she’s not near. That’s why my brain races when I think of her and I think of her all the time. That’s why I shake just before I see her. That’s why I’m doing 70 in 55 mile an hour zones. That’s why I have all these feeling. Son of a bitch. I’m in love. For the first time I said to her: “and I love you” and I meant every word. The next day I repeated those words over and over. Honey I love you. It didn’t take long to get the hang of it. I found that those words came in especially handy over the telephone. In person it’s simple to convey feelings with body language, a kiss, a soft caress, running my fingers through her hair, speaking softly, and all sorts of other ways. However, using those words on the telephone summed up all of my emotions very accurately.

I felt so many emotions when I was with her or even heard her voice. I loved other women in my lifetime. I never felt that way about anyone else and can honestly say to myself alcohol had nothing to do with it my feelings for her. I never even felt that way about my wife it’s sad to say. I did feel much the same way toward my children which suggests she was the only true romantic love of my life but what do I know? We had two months of heaven together. Then she lifted the moratorium on sexual relations. Our first time together I was unable to perform. I had so many things going through my head. I knew she was nervous. I knew her first husband had committed terrible acts that dictionaries probably exclude from the definition of forgiveness. Would she see me as she saw her ex-husband? Is a parked car the right place? Could these feelings I have for her in my being translate from the cerebral to the physical? After all, I guess that’s why they call it an act of love. Is she doing this for me? I was on such an emotional high just being with her. I wondered if that would change. I didn’t want my feelings toward her to change. So many things were going through my head that I was unable to perform that night.

Over the next few days I did a lot of thinking about all of the above. The next time I saw her, we were both ready. Before becoming intimate, she said: “If anything ever happens, I’ll go to Syracuse and you’ll never see me again”. She threw me another curve ball to ponder. Why would she say such a thing? Doesn’t she know what is in my heart and soul for her? I thought about that statement over and over. Doesn’t she really feel as I feel? Another regret on my top 10 list is never spending the night discussing why she would say such a thing. I get confused so easily. The batter is up and he’s being thrown curve balls. That night was good but not what I had anticipated. I’m not going to discuss our sex life except to say each and every time we were intimate, things got better and better. There are two reasons. The first reason is the intense feelings of love I had for her which carried over into love making. It was as amazing as our love itself even though we did nothing different than any other couple. The second reason is that I put her first at least in the bedroom.

Why didn’t I put her first in my life? GOD knows the love I had and still have for her. We need to go back to the beginning. Hi. I’m an alcoholic.

She said goodbye one year after our first kiss. I was absolutely devastated. My life was in shambles. Alcohol was the answer thanks to it’s numbing effect on the brain. In a very short period of time my friend the bottle lost it’s effect. I remember drinking so much that I would sober up. One day through real tears, something appeared on my computer screen. It said: “You are not a bad person. You are just doing bad things”. To this day I have no clue where this popup came from. I did not click on anything for it to be there. Yet day after day I drank so much that I’m surprised that it didn’t kill me. I wanted to die in the worst way. I would go down to the railroad tracks and wait for the train but the train never came. The reason I took things so hard is that one day I was in heaven. The next day I was living in hell. I don’t wish it on anybody. That popup on the screen is what they refer to in AA as a moment of clarity. I found the answer to (nearly) all my problems and decided to give it a shot. It was a commitment to winning her back even though they say you must do it for yourself. In anticipation of my new journey, I remember drinking all day then buying two supercharged 24 ounce bottles as a chaser. I drove above the speed limit to a halfway house. A boy stepped off the curb and I nearly killed him. I missed him by inches. I was really scared. When I got to the halfway house they refused to allow me in. They said I had to wait until my alcohol level dropped before being admitted. During that time I talked to two workers. They spotted many character defects in me that I never knew were there. For example, they said: “You think you’re better than these people here”. They were correct in every example. Hours had passed and my blood alcohol level was still many hours from coming down. I told them I’ll try their competitor down the street. They said that the law (probably their insurance) required them to call the cops if they knew I was drunk and they let me drive. I walked around the block then got in my car. I drove to another half way house and told them of the web I had woven. They felt that I would be better off seeking counseling for the depression I felt before treatment for the obvious. That night I drove two hours to a hospital where she lived and checked myself in. When I walked in the door, a doctor saw me first. He gave me a hospital gown. My hands were shaking so badly that it was impossible to button the buttons so he did it for me. A case worker talked to me for hours. Over and over I would describe my situation. Over and over she would say: “That’s control”. Finally I caught on. I was trying to control everything. She told me that’s what alcoholics do then said ‘only you know if you’re one of them’. Let me think about this. Hmmmm. I’ll probably lose my wife, my home, my kids, I don’t have a job, I had an affair, and equally as important as my kids, I just lost the woman who showed me what real love is all about. I said to myself: “I need to think about this”. I’m not too keen on labels but maybe that label fits me. If it walks like a duck….. I felt very good after our talk. I started eating real food. It had been years since I felt as physically well as I did there. In a few days I no longer had a compulsion to drink. She was a gift from GOD and the compulsion to drink that had been lifted was another gift from GOD. That is one thing I can say with certainty. I never believed until then that the desire to drink could end. The hospital psychiatrist didn’t spend any time with me. He was busy with the frequent fliers. My time was spent going up and down the hospital hall to the outside to have a cigarette. I did it so many times that I didn’t bother to tie my shoes. Each time I had to walk past a female clerk who was seated in an office. She would look at my shoes that I didn’t waste time on tying. I know she was thinking Cuckos Nest. I felt better each day. Eventually the day to leave came. The nurse asked what I was going to do then. I had no clue. She said: “Let me put down that you’re going to go to AA meetings”. I agreed even though I said to myself: “I’m cured. I don’t need that”. A block from the hospital I stopped at a store to buy a lighter. Inside the store I saw the beer case. I was actually scared. When I got my change, I ran to my beat up old car just to get out of there.

That night I went to an AA meeting. It was a first step meeting. They knew when I walked in the room. There were stories from about 10 men there who were all unemployed or underemployed. I thought: “This is encouraging”. They say go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I tried many but lost count. One night I walked into a room where Bill H. greeted me. He walked up to me, looked me in the eye, shook my hand, and said: “Welcome”. Until then I never felt a part of AA. I couldn’t relate to the joking, laughing, and happiness these people exhibited. That was the beginning of the road back to sanity. I’ve taken a few detours since but every day was better.

I supplemented AA with counseling. About the only thing I learned there was ‘she’s not doing this to you; you’re doing it to yourself’. Each meeting discusses a different topic. Whenever someone is speaking no one else is allowed to speak. One of the first times I spoke, the topic was honesty. All of us in the rooms were dishonest when we were active. I said that I thought I was an honest person. I never cheated anyone out of money. Then they all roared with laughter. Someone interrupted and said: “Not that kind of honesty”. From that point on I learned a lot about myself. There have been so many good meetings. Topics sometimes include but are not limited to: serenity, honesty, keeping things in the day, doing the next right thing, letting go and letting GOD. It seems that in the beginning they were mind readers. I heard what I needed to hear. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t have stayed.

Practice these principals in all my affairs is a good one for me. For the longest time I didn’t do the steps. I kept trying to control the woman I love. I wanted her love so badly. I wanted her to see the man I was working on becoming. I thought that in time I could be her Knight in Shining amour and we’d ride off in the sunset. We would be in a gazebo on the water with all of our friends and relatives present when I promised before GOD: I take you, to be my wife and I promise before God and all who are present here today to be your loving and faithful husband, as long as our lives shall last. I will serve you with tenderness respect, and love. The story will end like that in a book I’m writing but in real life alcoholics rarely have happy endings. I brought up topics about her so many times that her ears were probably ringing. One night about four years after I put the drink down, a young man said: “I’ve heard your story. It is an amazing and powerful story of love. Just think. Just think about doing what I do. When someone talks about my ex, I interrupt them and tell them I don’t want to know. It saves me the heartache. If you believe in a higher power, how can you say that GOD did not put her in your life? Do you really think it was an accident? Are you GOD? Why do you try playing GOD? Everything happens in GOD’s time not yours. If GOD wants you back in her life, neither you nor her will have anything to say about it”. I began crying in the middle of the meeting in front of all those people. It was the best meeting of my life. At that point I stopped trying to contact her. She knew of my love for her. What more could I say that I haven’t already said? That was another milestone.

Life started getting better very soon after he said those things. I wanted what was best for my wife. She had so many wants and needs that I hadn’t met. So I let go finally. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. It was an act of selfless love. I could hurt her no longer. I hoped that she would meet someone who could give her all the things she wants like romantic cruises. I hate cruises. Best of all I can rest at night knowing I’m not screwing up her life anymore.

I’ve tried to live by the words of that young man: . If you believe in a higher power, how can you say that GOD did not put her in your life? Do you really think it was an accident? Are you GOD? Why do you try playing GOD? Everything happens in GOD’s time not yours. If GOD wants her back in you life, neither you nor she will have anything to say about it”.

The greatest sorrow I’ve felt since then was when I didn’t follow his advice. Three years ago I saw her dating profile on the internet. I was in such extreme emotional pain that I did more things that I will regret until the day I die. If she didn’t have enough reasons to hate me already, I gave her more. They say that when we start drinking, our emotional age is frozen in time. I began drinking when I was about 18. What I did was something an 18 year old would do and caused both of us even more pain. It made me question my sobriety. Eventually I went back to his words.

As time went by, my life got better and better. I have my dream job today. I have a nice home in the mountains. Best of all I’m no longer screwing up my life or other people’s lives. The promises came true for me.

I guess I still haven’t learned though. Recently a mutual friend led me to a recent photo of my love. She was kind of heavy back then. She lost a few pounds. Today she is even more beautiful than she was before if that’s at all possible. Seeing her photo put me through a lot of pain. The thought of a drink crossed my mind for many days. It’s been a few weeks since then and I’m going to a lot more meetings. The pain gets somewhat easier to deal with each day.

I’m an old romantic. I want happy endings to love stories. Why do I try playing GOD? If our love is GOD’s will, neither of us will have anything to say about it.

I learned recently that I have cancer. I will know soon if the doctors got all of it. Cancer is like alcoholism. The sooner you catch it and if you do what they tell you, the better the chances of survival.

I will always love you Myrna
Al