Jen's Story

[jenjram]

When I look back on my first post on this forum in 2004, my question was, “Will life be fun without alcohol?” I could not imagine anything but a life with alcohol. I was asking for someone to show me where AA could lead. Never, ever in a million years did I think it could lead to this. Not only would I not have considered the life I have now “fun” at the time (I had tons of resentment at "God" and "anything religious"), I could not have even imagined the spiritual plane I would be on now and who God has become to me. Therefore, it is impossible, almost, for the alcoholic to imagine what his/her new life will look like. That is what is so awesome about the 12 steps and working them.

Here's my story:

I grew up in a pretty typical middle class family in the Midwest. I was the youngest of three children. Separated by seven and nine years, respectively, from my brother and sister, I always felt like “the mistake.” I struggled with feelings at a very young age of not fitting in with my family. We were raised in the Presbyterian church and attended regularly. I do not doubt that my parents possessed faith, but many spiritual practices that I deem important (for example, prayer and service to others) were not carried out in front of me. Therefore, I only learned of the belief of Christianity in my youth, but I did not acquire the faith. I did not understand how faith in Christ could restore my heart and heal my wounds.

I was a good student in high school and chose to graduate high school a year early. I wanted to start a new life since I never could change the perception that had grown up with me in my small town. I wanted to be popular and well liked, not just known as a quiet, smart girl. College was where I intended to change my image. Although I never touched alcohol in high school, I made a decision that to fit in, I would have to drink. I drank my first night of college. I loved the way it made me feel. I began using alcohol as a social lubricant and to escape my issues. I saw it as the perfect elixir. I continued to abuse alcohol like many college students and actually slowed down for awhile. I certainly could go some time without drinking, and my drinking at that time was in binges. I graduated and went on to get my Master’s Degree.

In 1997, I got my first job. Over the years, I did well and moved around to several different companies, always in higher level positions. I was good at what I did, and therefore, I was a very “functional” alcoholic. Addicts get bored quickly and do not want to deal with problems. I escaped my problems by relocating, and I switched jobs at least once a year. I justified my relocations as job promotions. My career in Human Resources offered me power, status and money. It didn’t make me happy most of the time, but I liked the identity it offered me. It showed that I was highly educated, and my opinion was to be valued. It provided the external validation that I so desired.

I got married in 2002 to my husband, and upon the birth of our son, I quit my job to become a stay at home mom. The unhappiness persisted. The transition from being someone who worked and had "power" to taking care of an infant who didn't provide much intellectual stimulation was difficult. My pattern of drinking became frequent and earlier in the day. I finally became concerned about the utter despair and hopelessness I felt, and I checked myself into a treatment center.

My surrender (powerlessness) to God was one where I can note the time and place it happened. I had a negative perception about Christianity when I was in my addiction, and I had come to the belief that Christians were self righteous, judgmental hypocrites. This sounds harsh, but it is indeed in the heart of every addict to fear God in an unhealthy way. However, through the love and support of Alcoholics Anonymous, I felt close to God again. It helped me relate to others in a way that I never had before. By committing myself to the difficult process of working the steps of AA, I learned to love myself and became transparent in every vulnerable way. It was due to the healing found in AA that I began to feel moved to explore my Christian roots again and grow in my love for God.

In the first month of my recovery, God put some incredible people in my path. Both were not religious people. However, looking back now, I realized that they practiced kingdom principles. The first one was a woman who, through her actions and love, demonstrated the grace and reconciliation that God provides. The second person, who served as my AA sponsor, encouraged me to pray about everything, even though I did not understand at the time what purpose prayer served. Over time, the discipline of prayer became communication with God. I was gifted with an amazing faith and began to respond to God’s will for my life.

I spent the first year of my recovery working solely on and with those in recovery. I was also offered a small job writing for a parenting website in a blog format. This turned out to be what I now view as an internet ministry of sorts, as God led me to expose my past for many to see. I received countless emails from women suffering from alcohol problems that needed help, and I could support and encourage them to seek the help that God provides. I saw that God was using my transparency for larger purposes. In church, I started to be drawn to mission work, got involved with global missions ministry and went on two short term mission trips to Mexico and Kenya. In my personal life, I began to sense that I was to apply to seminary. I responded and moved ahead without knowing clearly what God intended me to do with the education. I began taking classes at Seminary.

Over time, I have developed a way of relating to others through my own testimony and story of my personal wounds. I feel that the Lord is calling me to love those who are hurting by integrating my love of missions and grace based recovery experiences. I firmly believe that to introduce the reconciliatory healing that Christ wants us to show others through the gospel, we need to first develop trust and friendships with others. In Restoration of the Heart, Dallas Willard writes, “Any successful plan for spiritual formation, whether for individual or group, will be significantly similar to the Alcoholics Anonymous program.” I believe that God will use my experience to touch the lives of many who are in need of “recovery”—a spiritual recovery.