My Story

[drukore]

No one stops you from drinking or drugging when they are too busy doing it themselves.

No one that you know that uses really cares about your recovery if they know you're trying to be clean, and still ask if you want some.

No one can make you do anything to clean your life up.

Sitting there in my managers office, facing the firing squad. I had been there before. About to get fired, and be jobless. Again. At age 27. Looking like a chump, again.

My head was always hurting. I was always broke. I was sleeping with women I could care less about. I was shunning my family who needed me more than anything. I had abandoned my plans to be married by 28 and be a father by 30 to be here.

To be here.....where was I?

The same place I always ended up. Nowhere.

I knew the path so well. I knew it was filled with snakes, and greased palms, and gold diggers and the shadiest people alive. I knew this path was a straight line to a brick wall I could never climb. I just refused for years to admit that I was afraid to fail at attempting to suceed. I didn't know it was ok to try your best and fail. My fathers voice, my ex's voice....all rang in my head over and over....like circles...around and around...which of course....where do you end up when you go in the circle of insanity?

Nowhere.

And they gave me a choice. Rehab....or lose my job. Without thinking about it I said "Rehab". And I still had a week until I started.

And that first day of rehab was the biggest wake up call ever. People I would never talk to knew me before I said anything. People who were addicted to coke or meth or herion or alcohol....didn't matter. We were all messed up from a lifetime of choices. These people didn't care that I stole from others, or lied or dealed my way out of countless messes...they didn't care my liver nearly shut down 6 years previous due to drug consumption.....they just wanted to relate to me and have me relate to them.

We were all scared of "being". We only knew how to fake it all the time. We only knew how to make excuse after excuse after excuse. We knew how to live with a sick mind and a broken heart, not with clarity and love.

And I thought of my Mom who had always been there no matter what I did....
And I thought of my Grandfather who was dying from Altz's Disease....
And I thought of my Sister and her children and how much it meant to her that they knew who their Uncle was....
And I thought of my TRUE friends who never brought any harm to me....
And I though of my dream.....the same dream I had since I was 12......walking along a beach.....in my 30's...with the most beautiful wife I could have...hand in hand....as our child runs around our feet, laughing....the perfect life I wanted more than anything....

My switch went off.....the switch us addicts and alcoholics ALL have, but it takes us all different points to be able to REALLY flip it....
The switch inside us all that is marked "BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY".

I flipped it. And I opened my mouth.....
"My Name is Andru and I'm an addict and alcoholic".

And from that point on I have done what it takes to stay clean....by any means necessary. By any sacrifice. I cleared out what I THOUGHT was a past I needed to continue with only to realize it wasn't the life I wanted to lead. I cleared out 80% of the numbers from my phone because that 80% really deep down didn't care if I ever called unless it was to party. I cleared out the notion that I had to seek revenge on my ex by staying angry at women I met because one person screwed me over by means of cheating. I did my meetings, I did everything my rehab counselor asked while I was there, and did everything they asked once I left. I confronted people and got in their perfect little worlds and proclaimed "I'm sober now....you will know about it....if you can talk about how much you want a beer after work I will tell you how much I DONT want to know about it at a workplace...."
I became a one man army......but became the source for others to ask how I did it.

I learned that I like helping others. And talking to others wanting to get clean.

28 months later, I'm here. Not because anyone told me I have to be...but because I choose to be.