What a great life!

[Debaucher]

I realized for a month or so I needed to stop drinking so much. I had come to the realization that I had a problem and I had stopped fighting it. I was giving in. I was accepting I was drinking more than as healthy but I had not desire to stop.

The week before the super bowl last year I bought a 5th of vodka and a case of beer. I finished it early in the week and had to restock on beer. I wanted to buy more vodka but I didn't want to draw suspicion.

I drank 4 or 5 quick ones with my lunch on Saturday was reading to my little girl. I got so tired so quick. I knew I was going to be out really soon. I was physically exhausted and the alcohol on top of it was doing me in. I was enjoying reading her a story so much I wanted to try to push through it. It overcame me and I told her I was sorry but I had to take a little nap.

I woke up a few hours later to the house empty. The lights were off and it was dark. I vaguely remember my wife telling me she was going to her mom's for dinner. I got up and found the phone. I called and she was calm and said it was ok I wasn't there. I felt guilty. I felt I deserved to be yelled at. I felt so bad for loosing that time with my angel, my little girl.

I knew right then this had to stop but I wasn't sure when. The next day I drank all day. I started pretty early in the day and drank until I went to bed after the super bowl. I cashed in about 18 or so beers and didn't catch a good buzz. I woke up monday a bit shakey. Not hung over but shaking.


Sitting at my desk I felt horrible. I was down and I had no work to do. I was bored and physically drained. I was paranoid my whole world was falling apart. I figured at this rate it was just a matter of time before I lost my job and I had no motiviation to do anything. What would I do then?

My marraige was falling. I was a horrible dad. I was even not the greatest friend to hang out with anymore because I was becoming unpredictable when I got really smashed. I was getting scared and freaked out by the realization that I had no clue how many blackouts I had.

I knew I needed to take a day off drinking. I hadn't gone a whole day without drinking in so long I had forgotten when it was. I would imagine it was probably 6-8 months. I had tried to cut back many times. I even had a few bouts where I stopped for a few days. Lately I had made a vow to myself to not drink on this day or that day only to drink.

I was going to a bar that night to throw darts. I decided I needed to do something profound if I wasn't going to drink today. I decided to check out AA. I found AA online and found a meeting that was on the way to the bar. I went and well I found out I wasn't the only person who had these issues.

I will not go through my whole evolution from drunk and depressed to sober and happy but I will say that it happened. Not quickly. Not without brutal honesty. Each phase of my evolution was difficult. I road a rollercoaster of emotions. I was very depressed and it took some time to come out of that.

I worked very hard at my steps and learned much about myself. I continue to evolve and grow spiritually. I have a new life and I love it.