Sunlight's Story

[Sunlight81]

I posted this and it disappeared, how interesting, let's try, again.

Spiritual Heartburn

For as long as I could remember
I had a hole in my gut
I tried to fill it with addictions
And wound up in this rut

I spent my whole life
Trying to fill up this hole
Broken hearts and shattered dreams
Have taken their toll

I hated my parents
My school and my church
I did everything they said
And still wound up in this lurch

I bought their whole program
Hook, line and sinker
But my life still turned out
To be quite a stinker

Boy scout, altar boy
Oh yah, I got christened
But I never could find
Someone who actually listened

During that time
I was really quite haunted
Having to live without knowing
What I really wanted

Unhappy and empty
I didn’t know what to think
The example around me
Was Life’s a @#$%&, then you drink

I had a strange feeling
That love was the answer
I searched and I searched
For a cure for this cancer

I asked them for help
They loved me they told me
But the only way they showed it
Was to judge and to scold me

I didn’t know how to get love
But I knew how to get sex
So I was always on the prowl
Looking for my next ex

I was looking for love
In all the wrong places
It’s not easy to forget
The looks on their faces

I was a knee walking, snot slinging,
Commode hugging drunk
But when it came time to stop
I couldn’t climb out of that trunk

I landed in AA
With a suggestion quite odd
They said to make friends
With somebody named God

I told them forget it
I would have to be shown
I couldn’t do business
With the God I had known

They said to get quiet
And look deep inside
To see a part of myself
I had been forced to hide

Inside was icky
And scary and dark
But as I went further
I discovered a spark

As I went deeper
The spark got much brighter
And as I went deeper
I began to feel lighter

Letting go of my old ideas
Was the only price to pay
I can see clearly now
They never worked anyway

I had done bad things
The way the world judges one
I could not separate what I was
From what I had done

I blamed it on them
I was a victim, you see
But they’re all long gone
Now it’s me hurting me

In every problem
I have played a huge part
I never opened to learning
I just closed down my heart

I was rejecting myself
Just giving my power away
I needed to speak the truth
I had never been allowed to say

My self talk was so negative
I judged myself, constantly
I had to get outside help
There was nothing wrong with me

I finally got to tell myself
What I had always wanted to hear
That at my core, what I was
Was valuable, competent and dear

Between love and fear
Raged the battle for my soul
As I realized my true nature
I began to feel whole

I am Love
It’s not what I know
But what I experience
And what I let go

I was given a new way
Of looking at all the drama
All the bad things that happened
Were just working off karma

To forgive myself
I had to give up shame
To forgive you
I had to give up blame

Do not fear death
Said my inner guide
There is no otherness
On the other side

Let go of the past, let go of the future
Even wishing for atonement
Whatever freedom there is
Is only found in the moment

It can’t be this simple
It just takes awareness
To pause and relax
And breathe in the stillness

I had been asking for love
From people who didn’t have it
I had to find it in myself
And learn how to give it

What miracle of healing
Led me to this peaceful place
All I had to do was surrender
To be filled up with grace

I want to look good
So I argue quite heatedly
I can’t save my ass and my face
I’ve had to surrender repeatedly

I still have an ego
Twenty times normal size
But it’s the size of my heart
That matters in God’s eyes

With all this new freedom
There is only one thing to do
To try to stay humble
And to share it with you