Tough Mountain Climb.........

[expenguin]

My life was simple with little money to go around for 4 kids and two parents that cared..................Mom and Dad did drink each night with Dad having that Brandy plus........But I stressed no interest in drinking..........I was the second oldest with an older brother that loved to drink as he got older ............

Seems I wanted something else in my life as I watched my parents drink, their friends, my older brother, younger brother and younger sister and others...............the only one I don't remember drinking was my Dad's Dad....he was my best friend that I loved to hang around and see all the flowers he would grow and the Horses he loved to care for.................What a Grandpa.....

As I got older and around the time to leave home for my future I found God in the best place I could ever dream of in Religious life...................But even there I saw others drinking and having loads of fun.......I was told to join the party and have some fun especially during the weekends when all guests were gone...............YES.....Nuns do drink when no one else is around..........But their work was wonderful and so peaceful......

I learned to drink and when it came to the Holidays it got worse for me as I enjoyed what I got into..........But I kept the drinking simple as most of us do when we first start out...........as the years went by the drinking got more intense when I was moved to other houses.........I was getting on in years as a Nun in a beautiful community of Franciscans.........I even experienced time in China with the Sisters and loved the life there where no one cared how much you drank........Seemed that all the eating of Chineese food and getting together with so many people didn't matter................everyone drank no matter what and had a good time.........

The years kept moving by and I got to the point when I realized that I wanted out of the drinking part..............I was not feeling like I loved life totally.........

I loved my life as Nun in religious life and yet needed to stop the drinking ......................I was in a different world where I wanted to be alone more that I was already........

I reached out and the Nuns in charge didn't hear my cry for help and would not let me get the help I needed.........This was not acceptable in religious life ................Religious Nuns don't go outside the Convent for help...........they just deal with the problems behind the walls as a group and that is it.................their life is kept among the community and anyone not living in this community are kept out...................

I needed help some how and was willing to break the rules to get it.........................

I saw too much with other nuns drinking and the abuse going on behind closed doors..............was even told to keep quiet more times than I can remember..............I was the mouse that snuck off to get the Alcohol for others to drink without other nuns knowing.....................The younger nuns were drinking behind the backs of the older nuns and that wasn't good........

I was there all the time and keeping secrets more than I wanted....I asked God to help me through this .

I was put into many situations I wanted to get away from..........I loved Being a Religious and doing all that God wanted ......................but I wanted to get away from the drinking and other drinkers.......................I wanted to see my life doing what God was calling me for..............

the prayer life is what I wanted more of and in a different way.........and much deeper........

I asked more for the help and reached out to others not in my community.....................I was told to be patient and the help would come to me......I did the first step by asking for help.............

But how was the help going to get to me............I was impatient and found more to drink while I waited.........I got drunk at night when I knew it was safe and no one knew what I was doing.....................I was in charge of the kitchen and all the cooking that needed to be done.................I WAS IN CHARGE OF 200 or MORE PEOPLE ..............What a Job......and responsiblity........

I realized that I had to make a decision for myself to get the help I needed........................I snuck out many time to talk to someone about my inner feelings that were getting away from me ...........I was getting out of control.........

I had to leave the life I love so much in order to get better...........I didn't want to leave my life as a religious...............But I needed to make some changes and get the help for my drinking.......................

I did leave.............get into recovery .......but not without a fight with my inner self...........................I was starting to hate myself and having to start life all over again.................................

I needed to get into Recovery and make those changes in order to do what I needed to for me and others around me.......

Once in the program I wasn't sure I was in the right place.........I told my story and others judged me from that moment in the meetings......................I felt so alone and afraid.....................was I in the right place to start a better life for me? Or did I make a mistake in leaving the sisters in religious life ?

I wanted to get out of here and just hide my face......:puppet........The person in charge of the recovery meeting told me I didn't belong........................I did the wrong thing by showing up in a place that was for me.......

What did I do? Was I an out cast? Was there another place for me? Did I tell my story to the wrong group? Was I going to be scared for the rest of my life with others staring me down each time I walked the streets? Where do I go from here?

Later after the meeting was over I was confronted by another woman that said I was in the right place............the person in charge was wrong to single me out...............I had a prolem No matter what my story was and where I came from......

I needed help and recovery just like everyone else.........

Ok.....I was different because I didn't get drunk in the big world like others and grow up drinking like others...........But that doesn't matter.......................How you start and where you start doesn't matter................It is that you have a drinking problem and that you want to change is what matters......................I was in the right place for me and I needed to find some way to make the most of it....

The first meeting may have been rough......but I stuck it out and met lots of new friends....................I even met someone that knew my dad...............an "Old Timer" that could tell me lots of stories......................I was there for the Hugs, meetings and so much more...............I wanted to listen and to let off steam just like everyone else.........I had a story to tell and wanted to make my life better than what it was at the moment...................

I wanted back with my religious family only if accepted back ....

But even that was tough love....................I did go back after 5 years in recovery..............But the nuns had doubts about the recovery process and questioned me and watched me too close......................they didn't trust me as much as I was hoping................What an unconfortable feeling..........God was helping me and telling me to make more changes.........

I finally left and made my life a fresh start.......I stuck with my program in recovery and made that my life........but I was depressed and not feeling like a whole person...............

Today.....after 21 yrs 11 months and 27 days I am still here doing what I need to for my program.........I am a sober person taking one day at a time................and living for the moment....................

I look forward to each new year behind me.......and try to keep a smile on my face..................I have so much to live for today.......................I look back over my past with all the secrets and such that went on..................

And .....Yes......I still think about religious life......and what I left behind................I think about going back.....but that won't happen..........No one would understand me and that is ok....................Today I have a little one that gives lots of Hugs and friends that understand my life for what it is .......

The Recovery program really works if you work it each moment of each day..........................Keep coming back..........this is a good life to have............No one needs to feel depressed because life is no fun on the wrong track...........Look toward God and what He has to offer you through Recovery..............

This is the best life..................I know you can do the Program no matter what your story is.............If I can come this far and get my foot in the door.....You can do the same...

Don't let someone tell you ....YOU DON'T BELONG and THAT YOUR STORY DOES'T FIT....................We are all here for the same reason.........................

My AA Recovery date is January 1, 1986

Little Penguin