tracey's story

[serenity30]

Hello everyone my name is Tracey and i am an alcoholic and this is my story.
i can only share my experience strength and hope, and maybe it might help someone that reads it.
i was brought up in a very loving environment, my father is a recovering alcoholic with 28yrs sobriety behind him. The dangers of drinking was pointed out to me at an early age! As teenagers me and my sister were encouraged to attend alateen, but i thought as i was too young to remember my fathers drinking there was no point!
I was 16 when i tasted my first drink and i thought it was absolutely revolting. I was a bit scared because it didnt feel right for me to be drinking alcohol underage and i was a goody too shoes that didnt like doing anything out of the way, and my gut told me this was wrong, but i did it anyway and that night every thing changed. That glowy happy feeling was lovely, i was actually able to talk to boys, i even felt confident, i was like a different person, and all this happened with the help of a few drinks that night until everything went dark! Also my first blackout happened that night, not remebering bits and the next day feeling very sick and woozy. That part i didnt like at all.

As an extremely shy girl with little or no self esteem and confidence i thought alcohol was magic, it could give me everything i wanted and make me someone i wanted to be. i envied my outgoing bubbly confident beautiful friends, i wanted to be like them, and for a while when i drank that night i felt like that!! oh this was great this was just the beginning.!!now i can start fittin it! for as long as i could remember i never felt comfortable in any situations that involved people, especially people i didnt know. always felt like i had to try hard to fit it, i felt unnoticed and invisible for most of my adolenscent years, until i drank that is!

my social life kicked off when i was 18, i worked part time the summer before i went to college and started going out most weekends. There were a lot of nights my parents were rang to pick me up or met me at the door falling down drunk. This was very distressing for my parents, especially my mother as she had been through it all before with my father, but of course it was distressing for my dad also, and he had to lead most of the confrontations that happened in the home over my drinking!
When it was first pointed out to me that i had a drinking problem by my father i totally denied it, the way my drinking was going was down to lack of experience i just needed time to get used of it, but my parents knew i was in trouble right from the beginning.

so i was encouraged to attend an AA meetin after an over night hospitalistion where i had to have my stomach pumped, i was told i almost died that night and it terrified the life out of me. i was still only 18 i hadnt been drinking that long, how could this be happening me, i know the blackouts and loss of control bed wetting and hangovers were not normal, but i was terrifed to admit they were right, yes i do have a problem. i went to one meeting and had no clue what was going on, all i felt then was i didnt belong there and i wanted to go home and pull the covers over my head. suicidal thoughts were an everyday occurance from the beginning of my drinking right up until the end! i knew this wasnt normal either.


I went off to college after that summer and my stay there was cut short due to the conquences of my drinking. It was getting progressively worse. i showed no interest in the course i was doing so i got a job and stopped going to classes. More money for my drinking was the way i looked at it. my social life came before everything, food rent bills. i rather keep my money for the thurs night booze up than eat. i was over weight anyway it wouldnt kill me to go hungry! i was totally miserable and i left college after 4 months. A week before i was due to leave a terrible thing happened in the house i was sharing i almost killed myself and 3 of my house mates by starting a fire in the kitchen one night when i was terribly drunk. I will never forget the way i felt the next day for as long as i live, i was riddled when guilt and remorse and i couldnt speak for days after wards, i was so sorry for what i had done but i had to realise it was my drinking that caused this. i couldnt get away from the place fast enough and i couldnt wait to home and try and forget everything. one would think this would have quietened me down but it didnt it enticed me to drink more as i felt so sorry for myself.

my drinking went on for another few years and things just got worse and worse, i owed money everywhere, not only was i an active alcoholic, i ran into problems with credit cards and borrowing money anywhere i could get it.
i had failed relationships because i coudnt stay faithful, i caused so much friction in the home with my parents and sisters, the list goes on and on.

Feb 2001 i found out i was pregnant after a one night stand, alone ashamed confused i didnt know what to do. i confided in a friend and soon the family knew.
i remember i had given up alcohol for 6 months to try and pay off debts, and in jan i started drinking again and one night is al it took for me to cause more havoc. At 23 yrs of age my parents left it up to me what to do, i had brief counselling and decided to go through with a termination. my life was in chaos i coudnt bring up a child no matter how much help i had i just coudnt. The shame, the embarassment of being alone not knowing who my childs father was or where he was, i wasnt capable of looking after myself i just couldnt do it.
so when i came back after having the termination, my drinking started again but not so heavily. that didnt last too long though i was back to square one and i use the abortion as an excuse to drink as my way of coping because id didnt and wouldnt talk to anyone about it, no one only my family knew, i covered it up to all my friends and my work. It was hard pretending nothing happened!

September 2003 i ended up in a mental hospital diasgnoised with a phycotic breakdown, all my past came back to haunt me. i thought a phycotic breakdown was cause by drug abuse, but alcohol is a drug and this is how badly it had affected me after all those yrs of abuse. I was mentally spiritually physically and emotionally crippled. I had reached my rock bottom put into a mental home because of my drinking.My dad had a female member visit me and talk to me about AA when i was well enough. I decided i would give AA a chance when i got out of hospital. I was discharged after 3 weeks with a prescription for medication that was going to straighten me out. i went to AA for a couple of months and again even after all id been through it was at the back of my head i would drink again one day so i decided once again AA was for my dad and how ever badly he wanted me to go it wasnt for me so for the next year and half i didnt work i didnt socialise, i rarely left the house, i turned into a hermit, i isolated from everyone. i was living under the same roof as my family and i comunicated very little to them. i ate myself 5 stone heavier than what i was when i left the hospital. i was feeding my emotions because i didnt know how else to handle them. i wasnt living i was just existing and even all the horrible stuff i went through it drinking this was much much worse. i was alone with me and my sick head for all that time trapped up in a world of negitivity and doom and gloom and i didnt know if i was ever going to get out of it.

but i did get out of it for a time but it was when i started back at work and started to lose weight and look after myself again but it wasnt long before i picked up a drink again and September 2003 i ended up in a mental hospital yet again with the same head stuff again, but not as severe this time, my parent knew i was acting strange and had seen all the signs before and they knew i was heading down the same destructive path! Again they had to sign me in cause i wasnt reponsible for myself. when i think back to the 1st instance i was signed in to the unit i had a resentment against my parents for putting me in there for a long time after that, but the second time they put me in there i can honestly say is the best thing they couldnt have ever done for me. my way of thinking had changed and i was so sick of drinking and getting into untold misery i finally put my hands up whole heartedly and said i need help i want help!!!

so i went into treatment for 28 days and i listened and learned to the councellers.
i learned a fair bit about my disease and learned a bit about the steps.
when i came out of treatment i was so ready to go to loads of meetings.
So i got stuck into AA and starting to feel better pretty quickly. i met loads of members got plenty of phone numbers got a sponsor and took up secretary. i was able to share a little at a time and i got honest with myself and the nervousness wasnt as bad. i listened to members carry the message and ive learned a lot from them. i started to look at a higher power and definaltely have one in my life today.
i grasped the one day at a time slogan actually i grasped on to them all they were a huge help to me, easy does it, think think think, let go let go, they all have meaning in my life today and i have a great belief in them and the programme today
i remember i use asked my dad "how does it work" he use answer back go to meetings and you will find out, the answeres are in the rooms not in the pub and he was so right. AA has thought me how to live, for the 1st 2 years i found it very difficult dealin with people places and things, dealing with emotions in my recovery, facing up to my past. but all that stuff came in time, i dont rush anything today. i think before making decisions and i run most things by my sponsor who has been a magnificent help to me right up to this present day. i hand over my day every morning and thank god at night for my sobriety. i meditate as often as once a day, i need to i have a head that races like a speed train and it needs taming with quiet time for me, it helps me to reflect on my day and feel gratitude for what i have today. Alcohol is not the centre and reason for my existense today, i treat it as poison that will kill me if i go back there again, death or insanity is all that is out there for me today and frankly neither is attractive, i rather hold on to what i have today rather than screw it all up for one drink, it isnt just one drink though is it, and it never was for this alcoholic the day i found myself arguing with a friend of mine that i could not go out for just one drink, it was all or nothing, because i knew the minute i had the first one the mental obsession for the next one kicked in instantaneously, that is why i accept i am an alcoholic today because i know i cant stop at one drink, i know i am powerless over alcohol that i lose control and responsibility self respect and do stupid things that i know in my heart and sole i would not do sober and since i left down my old friend who now is my biggest enemy, i havent been a patient in a phyciatric unit, i havent wet the bed, or woke up not knowing where i am. The freedom and peace of mind and serenity i have today and just incredible and mean the world to me!! Lots of good things have happened me since i got sober, i learned to drive and bought my first car this summer and love it. i am in a loving healthy relationship for almost a year and a half and have a very understanding partner who loves and accepts me for who i am. The support ive gotten from my family is incredible i dont think i would be alive today has they not given up on me. My dad is a brilliant man and a great member of AA and i see all the help he has given to other members he is adored. He showed me the way and passed it on to me in more ways than one hahha but we can joke about that today!

i turned 30 in september and my 4th AA birthday was the 12th of october, and i love being sober today i love my life, and that is a far cry from the girl who could not imagine life without alcohol. i am grateful to have this programme in my life today and i will continue to practise it one day at a time. i know today this programme works if you work it, go to meetings dont drink one day and a time get honest get a sponsor and you will get sober.
i hope i have not offended anyone by what i shared but that is my experience strength and hope to date.
if anyne is confused i joined the group last week under the name sober30 but just changed it to serenity 30
thanks
i hope i have helped someone
take care
Tracey xxxx