irisgardens

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I have had faith in a higher power since I was 4 years old...in time, I learned language and learned to call that higher power God. Over the past many years...I have continued to go deeper to stay in contact with that higher power. An AH, however, has had the effect of becoming my higher power...over the past last years...as well as a mother...I have detached from 3 daughters who were on drugs...each time believing (despite the struggle and process) that only my higher power who I call God could restore me to sanity. I am back on step 2...and I do believe that God can restore me to sanity...already is doing so...I came to this site 'crazy' with neediness and wanting to be loved by my AH enough to make things work...but he 'needs' and I know that I 'need' to believe that God is the only one that can restore my sanity. I do believe...and my belief is restored after finally coming so close to losing my life-long faith...and realizing that my faith was misplaced. I will not go there again.

What is my concept of a Higher Power at this time?

My Higher Power is what I call God...the concept for me is of the trinity...the three in one...God (the all), Jesus, the perfect son and man, sacrificed through perfect love and willingness to forgive all mankind of their sins, and the Holy Spirit within who works within us as we are growing and becoming transformed to a greater likeness of Jesus. I know that this is what works to change me...and I work to stay willing, open, to not become slave to the people I so love...but cannot fix, change or make them do anything but what they are willing to do for themselves.

What would it take to allow my concept of my Higher Power to change? For me to be open and willing to be changed within. I know that I do not know very much when given the magnitude of knowledge and learning in the world. I know little when it comes to the experience of others who have lived and traveled different paths. By listening, reading posts, and being surrounded by like minded, like hearted people...I begin to learn new possibilities and new doors and windows open to the light. I begin to have more clarity...and over time, I come to understand what works for me and what needs more development within and what needs to be left behind...and I take the step. One step at a time...praying to my HP, who I call God, that that step will take me one step forward into the light of living in contentment and peace.

Have past experiences affected my concept of a Higher Power? If so, how?

Over my life, I have always believed in miracles...and have stepped into tough situations to be there as called. My father's final illness was one such situation...and I learned that by just being myself, using what I had to offer from within (without quite knowing what that was or analyzing)...I was a factor in him receiving two life-saving operations over 11 years...just in connecting him with the surgeons who then saw his potential and asked him if he was willing to do risky surgery. It was also exhausting...and I learned that I need to take care of myself better. This is a very concrete example...but I am now learning that to help anyone...I need to take care of myself first...and that it is very important to do so...I am no longer as resilient as when younger...and I can get my feelings hurt and then things are not so clear. Am going deeper.

What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?

That the Power greater than myself will lead me to the path of health and contentment within...something that has gotten seriously imbalanced in living in two generations of alcoholic/substance abuse family. To accept, within myself, with serenity that the only person I can help is me...and to surrender completely my efforts (often so subconscious until I am exhausted again) to fix, control, or need another person beyond their capabilities and to become depleted and negative in hopelessness.

Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life? How?

I sense spiritual guidance in my life when I am in nature...seeing the blue sky, the sun, the beach where I currently am staying, the shells that are brought by the ocean...free and glorious treasures, my spiritual friends who accept me as I am always...even when I am struggling to break free of the negative attachments that were supposed to be loving, but got twisted and turned by things I said or did (in good intentions and truth and integrity, but not welcomed and rejected and not forgiven). I sense spiritual guidance in colors that make me happy and in simply living without trying to be or do things bigger than myself...for others, to please, to be somebody else.

How do I describe the Higher Power I found in Al-Anon?

the Higher Power I found in Al-Anon does not judge or ask me to do things that are beyond me...or for others to make them better. my higher power simply asks me to listen to the depths of good self care...to not make excuses to put others first...just one more time...and to just. drop. the. other. side. of. the. rope. (copied this from someone else, but made so much sense). my Higher Power does not ask me to understand more, make more reasons 'why', to love more, to fix more, to do anything more...just to be and to follow the steps that appear before me...and trust that in following...I will arrive to the next place I am meant to be. my Higher Power asks me to be there for me.

What does “Let Go and Let God” mean to me?

Let Go and Let God means what I said above...to just Let God do what needs to be done and not to interfere or get in the way of God's Will...even if it makes me feel more in control. To trust God that control is for God and obedience and willingness and trust are for me. I struggle with this...as I am a leader...and have a lifetime of rescuing or being there for others under my belt...but it is me that needs God and me.

What does faith mean to me?

Faith is the belief in something unseen but real...for me that is my Higher Power, who I call God

With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences?

I was overly comfortable in discussing my spiritual experiences, but learned that my two generations of family are 1) family of origin--religious and not open to the unseen or unknown...so was judged spiritual and then mentally ill...which is one thing I have let go of now...it was deep, but not true and letting God have all of that was freeing...although had to grieve deeply and emotionally, and 2) immediate family as empty nesting--letting go of unsupportive kids who I dedicated a lifetime to...one an ex drug addict and the other a co-dependent with her...and another an active heroin addict...and AH who promised the world in his country of origin (to start over when we hit bottom financially) and now wants me to return to states and work. letting go and detachment in progress.

so now, I am very careful...in the recovery rooms I have found online here and with a few spiritual christian women who understand and do not try to change me or fix me or even advise me...but to stand by me...as we grow and change and learn...and move forward.

What might I gain from believing I could be supported and loved by a Power greater than myself?

I have have known from the age of 4 years old that there is a Power greater than myself...came to know this Power as God...and I trust and believe that this Power is capable of all...and that I simply, although talented and full of potential, am not. When I am able to be still and liten and know...without compulsive explanations and talking to those who do not understand and never will...for whatever reason...life is serene within...which is where I live...in my soul.

What does “came to believe” mean to me?

Came to believe means that I somehow accepted that there is something I cannot understand, cannot control, or demand or lead...but that in trusting and asking...I receive what is best for me.

What does sanity mean to me?

To me sanity is a state of well being, being there for me...eating well and healthily, exercising, knowing that I am going to be ok...and I am ok...no matter what is going on around me. It is accepting that I simply didn't cause, can't control or cure whatever insanity others around me choose to live. It is detaching from that which is unhealthy and doing that what is healthy for me.

How has the alcoholic situation affected my sanity? My life?

The alcoholic situation created in me a belief (a false belief) that I can do more than I can do...and that it is my responsibility to take care of those who are not taking care of themselves...by drinking and not even considering recovery. It created in me a naivete that those who drink and indulge in alcoholic behaviors (blaming, irresponsibility, expecting me to 'take care of them emotionally' without anything back, expecting me to fix others for them, expecting me to make all the money necessary for all, etc) were normal and that I was abnormal and 'bad', especially when I didn't do what they wanted, when they wanted it...and chose, instead to speak truth, take care of myself, be honest...even though the truth and honesty made them uncomfortable and mad and unforgiving and rejecting.

Have I allowed the alcoholic situation to become my Higher Power? How?

Yes, I have. I can't believe I did it...but I slowly sank to the depths of depletion, exhaustion, and not taking care of myself. It is through 23 years of crisis in my family...an AH, a child who passed (healed), 3 daughters who used drugs and all the rehab and spending everything to help them become willing (they are not in recovery, one is active in addiction with no family support except me...spiritual, the others are all telling me I am mentally ill...except AH who is depressed, but after putting me through the ringer for supporting him through financial failure)...and the situation became and is so unmanageable that I simply cannot continue with the insanity...no matter who says what or does what or thinks what.

How has my thinking become distorted trying to handle the alcoholic behavior?

I blamed myself for so many thngs. I tried to fix everything...and have grown and learned, but allowed the alcoholic behaviors to take control and to manipulate and to let me believe that I was at fault rather than the alcoholic behaviors... I still feel guilt, but have become exhausted from trying over and over, so hard, feeling guilt...when the emotions of others are simply about what they need now...to feel good about themselves.

How have I turned to a Power greater than myself in times of great need? Did I call another Al-Anon member? My sponsor? Did I read Al Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL)? Did I go to a meeting? If not, why not? reached out to my support group in California when I was feeling crazy...was able to find one left who was willing to talk to me...went online and looked for recovery and support groups for codependency, ACOA, parents of addicts, depression and anxiety. I started posting and asking for support. I re-read the literature...particularly about detaching and letting go. I started to remember again. I reached out here to my spiritual friends from high school (had not been in contact for 40 years...but they were still here). I detached physically, mentally and spiritually from angry, blaming and negative people here that AH wanted me to please (it was his family, but not people who were recognizable to even the visit 10 years ago...and it was his illusions of being cared about and 'taken care of' that were dashed).

In working this Step, can I describe a Step Two experience to my sponsor or my group? In a written sharing?

I kept praying but couldn't get my serenity back. I finally went back down on my knees and prayed for myself and told the Lord that I was lost...that I needed help...that I had no further ideas or ways to figure things out...that this particular place was a place where I have never walked and need the Lord's guidance. I then started walking on the beach and listening to the waves and collecting shells that 'came' and turning my life over again and again...and my loved ones...all the hurt...all the misinterpretations and misunderstandings...and as I did that, I was contacted by a headhunter from the United States who set me up with three interviews...and I did well on all. My AH wouldn't tell me what he wanted...so I finally said that I chose to stay with Him...according to my biblical beliefs...and then, when told him I wanted to turn down the interviews so we could finish this phase here...he is working although very stressed...he said he wanted me to take the job. Still turning over all and everything.

When have I done the same things over and over, yet expected different results?

I always try to do work and make money, but it gets used up by AH with his businesses...or the addict daughters who their 'needs' that are pointed out to me by AH or AM...and I am manipulated by words or needy behavior to do more than I can...plus by fear of them dying. I also am the identified patient of the family...and I continue to apologize, but I do not need to do that...they just choose to see the things they don't like. Every time I caretake in that kind of intensity, I expect to be appreciated...and it never happens...I am simply blamed or told what is wrong with me. I am a fixer...by profession (a financial controller--hate that title)...and by personality.