irisgardens

"God, I offer myself to Thee --
to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve
me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear
witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and
Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"




Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

I have needed to turn my will and my life over to the care of God again. I do this during every single life crisis involving someone I love and care about. I have learned that I cannot live their lives...only mine. My life can only be lived in the care of God as I understand Him. I cannot save anyone, fix anyone, or make anyone care about or love me. I can only be the best person I was born to be. Just had a major codependency relapse as a third child is an active addict.

I am focusing on the fact that I turned the previous two over to the Lord and they are functioning in their own lives now...and independent...taking care of their own children.

I am doing this again with my dearly beloved daughter...in God's hands...and arms. Me and her and all those I love. I cannot 'make' anyone do anything.

How do I feel about turning my life over to a Higher Power for guidance?

I am reminded that my life has always been under the guidance of a Higher Power...I was aware of this from the age of 4 years old...but the problems of life sometimes have become more than I could bear and I have done the work of others. I could not do it...and they resented me and disliked me. I am now turning over the deeper layers to God and ask that my HP return my sanity...as I return to a new job after more than a year unemployed...and back to take care of myself financially as my husband finishes up work in his home country in South America...to return when it is his time and choice. I pray for guidance as I love my daughter so much, but must take care of myself now after so many years of doing so much for the addicts in my life and becoming depleted...I pray that her HP will protect her and help her to become willing to take care of herself.

How do I know who or what my Higher Power is?

I know who my Higher Power is...because I simply know faith...and have always followed the guidance given...the things are often hard, but they work...when I become desperate and try to rely upon my own self...and also try to 'force' others to feel what I feel or to support my action plans that are beyond them, my mind, my ideas...I do not find the resources needed to follow the path

Am I willing to try to turn my problems over? What could help me to be willing?

I am willing to turn my problems over. I am MORE than willing. I have gone through several months of such inner pain...and trying to 'hold on' emotionally to attachments that don't serve me...from a childhood where I had to believe certain people cared...or I wouldn't have made it. I am trusting God...wholly God. I have been given a new path...a job...the need to relocate and to be by myself for about 6 months rebuilding myself...and not rely on family (although I was the caretaker...and bread winner, etc.), but all that is gone...and only my HP brought me the miracle needed to help me take care of myself. I am here; now...the past is gone...lived as best I could at the time...but over. Today is the day for real and doing what is best...for me.

How can I stop thinking, trying and considering, and actually make a decision?

I did...and when I did...a few weeks ago...the phone interview, via Skype, 5,000 miles away happened...and despite problems with technology...I enjoyed the people and they enjoyed me and I am returning to the states to a job...to a different city...and to a place where I am me...always me. A place where I do not try to change those I love...just myself...as my HP who I call God directs.

Have I had a problem making decisions in my life? Give examples.

Yes...I have problems, because I put the benefits of those I love first...and leave myself until last. Then I hit bottom, and they have moved on and are living their lives...do not remember nor appreciate my sacrifices...and I am so depleted. Took care of my dad's hospitalizations for my mother while working high pressure career...was the only kids...completely burned myself out...when Dad died...Mom was on a plane travelling and got mad because I wasn't working anymore and taking care of myself. This was 13 years ago...have slowly gotten tougher as I realize that it is dysfunctional not to care for myself...and to fill myself up. I now have to turn my daughter and my own life over to God.

If I am unable to make this decision, what holds me back?

I was afraid that I would be all alone without anybody. I always wanted a close, unified family...but have found out that it was supposed to be a "perfect" family and I broke that by standing by my own addicts in immediate family in 'love' and doing my own support and recovery...and now I just need to make the decision to turn daughter over and myself too...because it is the only way for me...I tried everything else.

I am returning to the states on Wednesday. This week I will finish paperwork, trusting the Lord that the background check and credit check (we went through bankruptcy so that is a risk) are all going to go the way they need to go...and I will do the final interview on Friday.

Hubby is finding a place as it is a new city (although I was born and raised there) and we are doing this ourselves without assistance from the adult children who are too busy or unwilling to do anything.

I am trusting God...turning it over...trusting...trusting...trusting...one day, moment at a time...
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What other people think of me is really none of my business!

Carrots

am trusting God...turning it over...trusting...trusting...trusting...one day, moment at a time...
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Your responses are so honest. Some of them made me cry. Thank you for sharing, iris.

irisgardens

I am still turning things over...and working my program. After this post, many things happened...for good...a new job...a new place to live...back to where I came from...a new start...with hubby on track with me to support our daughter as and if we can...and also finding her...a true miracle.

I am turning things over...and more things...more unknown things came out and some key relationships changed...again...and there is always change...and I am resting in God and turning over and letting those things be accepted into my being...and trying to change and turn over...not trying to explain as much...just accept.

Above I wrote...
I was afraid that I would be all alone without anybody. I always wanted a close, unified family...but have found out that it was supposed to be a "perfect" family and I broke that by standing by my own addicts in immediate family in 'love' and doing my own support and recovery...and now I just need to make the decision to turn daughter over and myself too...because it is the only way for me...I tried everything else--

Now I have learned other things and truly found that I was alone before...I just imagined certain things...my power to create the illusion that certain things that I thought were necessary to have a perfect family was so strong...but ultimately an illusion...and as more truths have come out (real truths and painful ones)...I am letting them in and letting them be what they are...and trying not to judge them nor to beg and grovel and explain my feelings and experiences to my family...because I have come to understand that we all have our own feelings and experiences...and to accept those of others and to accept my own...are a start to being more able to see and be reality...rather than illusion.

I have not accepted yet...and some of the knee jerk actions and promises I made when I found out about a few unpaid loans...I have had to rethink and to realize that I can't do what I promised although I so wanted to make it right...but I can't and I have told my husband...who borrowed from family (it was my own deep personal value not to borrow from family and to repay every penny...and now I will not be able to do that.

My three adult children who all received special care from me after the death of a baby brother over the past 23 and two who used drugs have gone no contact...because I have discussed my own experience and feelings. I am just letting it be what it is...and trying not to blame myself again for being the bad one...the one to blame as I always did in my family of origin...but had hard drinking parents...and understand better now.

I am releasing slow by slow the grip on what I thought was the right thing and letting God take over...as I simply love these family members as they are...and try to also allow God's love for me in. I have seen my daughter twice...it is wonderful although hard to be with an active addict...and she is...although she is trying to get herself better without going for help.

I understand her feelings about feeling betrayed by family...her siblings couldn't handle it and turned away in tough love...and her father and I were gone because we were trying to stay working and not to go down for the count. However, to her...she had no one...not like the other kids when they were growing up.

I also know she is a heroin addict...and that I can only love her and try to deal with the effects of being with an addict in active addiction (although she says she is trying to be clean but relapses). It is awful energy and I come away so tired...and then turn her over to the Lord...before after during our visits.

She asked me to call daily, but has been very upset and in that bad place 5 out of 7 days...and it is draining for me. She asked me for money and I turned her down...which I must do and believe that it is most helpful.

I am just turning everything over...not trying to make sense of it or blame me or analyze myself or others.

There is more will and life to turn over to God and I am just turning over...and turning over...and praying and trying to believe that God will handle this mess that I cannot even make sense of ... but drink water, go to work, rest and read my literature and pray.

Working my program...and trying to just turn over will and life to God...because it is clear that there is nothing I can fix...nothing...but I can love and work my program.

irisgardens

still turning things over...facing and doing some actions...so tired.

ladyscribbler

This was our Alanon meeting topic today. One lady said she thinks of this as an ongoing, daily process. As long as we are alive, there's always going to be something to turn over. That really made sense to me.
Hugs Iris.

irisgardens

Thanks Lady Scribbler...your note is so good...feeling the hug! Reassuring about turning things over every day. I don't have any answers.