I am ashamed of my children's addictions

Old 01-09-2014, 12:10 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Very interesting thread! I've got alot in common with many who have posted previously; RAD, 17yrs old now. Her father (my husband) died suddenly when she had barely turned 12, at age 13 went off the rails for almost 4yrs. She experimented with everything out there. The way I explain it is she "did everything except die". I'm also an R.N.

Daughter actually graduated from a wonderful tx program lasting approx 6 mon, since then has her own apartment, I know this is her best chance for success(she's accountable to others in order to keep her place i.e has to stay out of trouble, go to school).

Anyway, back to original topic here, I was very bitter and angry for awhile at everyone in my life who seemed to disappear; first when many left after my husband died, secondly when my daughter started getting into trouble & I told some family members/friends when I needed support. They wanted nothing to do with me or my family, this was too much for them to deal with. I certainly felt ashamed & judged like it was my fault for this to happen, I felt like a failure as a parent. Fortunately I kept searching for any help I could find, tried some parent support groups in my city for troubled youth which greatly helped me at the time knowing I wasn't alone. There were many other "good" parents that this had happened to. The best help I have found is through Alanon & this website. I find I can be honest about my situation, never feel judged by anyone & realize by starting to work the program I need to keep the focus on myself to become the best "me" I can be. I'm very selective now about who I open up to regarding my RAD outside of AN & SR. I think I'm going to be stuck at Step 1 for a very long time: admitting I'm powerless over this, always coming back to the three C's - I didn't cause this, I can't control it, I can't cure it. Also turning this over to my higher power and trusting that my daughter's higher power is looking after her.
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Old 01-15-2014, 03:33 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Ann
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I no longer feel personal shame over my son's addiction. He is an adult and his choices, however bad, are his. It took me years to accept that and let go.

I am, however, cautious and selective about who I share with about any of this. My support groups here and in real life know all my story. At work or when we meet people who don't know our background and ask about our children, I simply say we have one son who we haven't seen or heard from for over 10 years. Usually they don't pursue it, but if they do I may say "he is lost in addiction and I really don't like to talk about it" and find they understand. I am surprised how many people reply "you too? Our daughter/cousin/brother/pick a relative also had/has a serious addiction problem."

I still don't engage with them but I do tell them how much meetings helped me regain my balance and reclaim my life.

My point is, there comes a time where we don't have to feel judged by what our children do. It's a good sign of recovery when we can get past this.

Step one helped me do that with the first part..."We admitted we were powerless over others/addiction/our addicted loved ones" depending on what meeting you are at).

The nice part is that my life is no longer unmanageable. Thank You God.

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Old 01-17-2014, 02:17 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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People love to gossip. And the lower on the totem pole they are the more they love it.
It is a constant of the universe. The higher up the totem pole you are, the more they
love to nip at your heels....cut you down to size.

I'd like to think I have a life as close to perfect as it gets. Got what I wanted, and
now my kids are both on their way to rewarding, fulfilling, and exciting careers. Money is
not an issue and things are great.

Does anyone think that I or my wife, for one MILLISECOND, look down on others
whose lives encountered super tough obstacles.....like addicted kids?
You would have to be crazy----or stupid (or both). So much of life is luck. Go ahead
and make CEO of a fortune 500 company.....and die of lung cancer having never taken a
puff of anything in your life....it happens.

Use catty judgmental people as God intended. Avoid wasting your time on them. They
are doing you a FAVOR by identifying themselves as unworthy of your limited supply
of friendship.

People are responsible for their own decisions in this life. Any parent knows we don't
'control' our children. We do our best and hope it takes. Sometimes it does
.................and sometimes it doesn't.

But judging a parent based on their child's decisions? That's what we call a 'freebie'.
A no-cost easy identifier of an idiot----or at very least someone who is too lazy to
employ simple logic.

Vale's no cost top drawer wisdom for today?

Avoid idiots and the lazy. Both are bad for your long term prospects.
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Old 02-12-2015, 07:31 AM
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Many of us parents are ashamed. Its a reality of a parent with addicted children. I have 2 that are addicted at the same time. Every day is a living hell. Luckily I can still work every day and when that is done i cannot wait to get home to hide from the world.
My kids have stolen from me more money than I would ever imagined possible. cannot find my engagement ring and several other items.
I though it was me being forgetful or losing things but then....the light went on. Hello, my kids are robbing me blind to get their heroine. Lucky me.
They are excellent con artists and after all these years have learned how to play me like a fiddle.
Guess what? I AM DONE with that bull@#$&. If they want to steal from me - they can go to jail just like any other criminal who steals the money I go to work hard for every day. Perhaps that is the best place for them.
I am bitter and angry. The love i had for them is so tarnished and dull that I have an empty space where it used to be in my soul.
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Old 02-12-2015, 07:33 AM
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I love the way you think! Thanks
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Old 02-12-2015, 07:34 AM
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I am so very sorry, agnesmildred.
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Old 02-12-2015, 07:51 AM
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What causes relapse?
Various “triggers” can put people at risk of relapsing into old patterns of substance use. Causes of relapse can differ for each person. Some common ones include:

negative emotional states (such as anger, sadness, trauma or stress)
physical discomfort (such as withdrawal symptoms or physical pain)
positive emotional states (wanting to feel even better)
testing personal control (“I can have just one drink”)
strong temptations or urges (cravings to use)
conflict with others (such as an argument with a spouse or partner)
social pressures to use (situations where it seems as though everyone else is drinking or using other drugs)
good times with others (such as having fun with friends or family)
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Old 02-12-2015, 07:55 AM
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Ten Ways Family Members Can Help
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Old 02-12-2015, 07:57 AM
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The pain and suffering of addiction is not limited to the alcoholic or drug addict. Family member share a tremendous burden as well. Shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger and frustration are common, everyday feelings for family members concerned about a loved one’s drinking or drug use. In most cases the family has endured the brunt of the consequences for the loved one’s addiction, including the stress of worry financial costs and life adjustments made to accommodate the addicted person’s lifestyle. Addiction leads the addict away from the positive influences of the family. The disease twists love, concern and willingness to be helpful into a host of enabling behaviors that only help to perpetuate the illness.

Family and friends are usually very busy attempting to help the alcoholic or addict, but the help is the wrong kind. If directed toward effective strategies and interventions, however, loved one’s become a powerful influence in helping the loved one “hit bottom” and seek professional help. At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful consequences of their loved one’s disease and cease their enabling behavior.

This material will provide you with ten ways family member scan help their loved one and themselves.

TEN WAYS
1. Do learn the facts about alcoholism and addiction. Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA meetings, and AL-Anon

Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial. Only when we understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to respond to its symptoms more effectively. Realizing that addiction is a progressive disease will assist family members in accepting their loved one as a “sick person” rather than a “bad person.” This comprehension goes a long way toward helping overcome the associated shame and guilt. No one is to blame, the problem is not caused by bad parenting or any other family shortcoming, and attendance at open AA/NA meetings is important. Families need to see they are not alone in their experience, and there are many other families just like theirs involved in this struggle. Families will find a reason to be hopeful when they hear the riveting stories of recovery shared at these meetings.

2. Don’t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let him experience the full consequence of his or her disease

Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be “loved” into recovery. Recovering people experience a “hitting bottom.” This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It has been said that “truth” and “consequences” are the foundations of insight and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing the addicted person from his consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realized.

3. Don’t financially support the addict or their addiction

Money is the lifeblood of addiction. Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair bill, loaning money, paying rent, and paying a court fine are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use. Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently, they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.

4. Don’t analyze the loved one’s drinking or drug use. Don’t try to figure it out or look for underlying causes

There are no underlying causes. Addiction is a disease. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others. This “paralysis by analysis” is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself.

5. Don’t make idle threats. Say what you mean and mean what you say

Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or addict. Rather, “actions speak louder than words” applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the addicted person.

6. Don’t extract promises. A person with an addiction cannot keep promises

This is not because they don’t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act up on their commitments. Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one.

7. Don’t preach or lecture. Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person

A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation. If an alcoholic or addict could be “talked into” getting sober, many more people would get sober.

8. Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger. These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one

For any given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount, or more, of pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides. This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members. They get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack from those decisions once the anger has subsided and has been replaced by pity. If anger can be avoided then so can pity. The family can then follow through on their decision not to enable.

9. Don’t accommodate the disease

Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family’s home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up money and other valuables, not inviting guests over for fear that the addict or alcoholic might embarrass them, adjusting one’s work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning one’s day around events involving the alcoholic. A spouse recently confided that she would set her alarm to get up and pick her husband up from the bar.

10. Do focus upon your own life and responsibilities

Family members must identify areas of their lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one’s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned.

Each of these suggestions should be approached separately as individual goals. No one can make an abrupt change or adjustment from the behaviors that formed while the disease of addiction progressed. One cannot over-emphasize the need for support of family members as they attempt to make changes. Counseling agencies must provide family education and programs to share this information. They must offer opportunities for families to change their attitudes and behaviors. The most powerful influence in helping families make these changes is Al-Anon. By facing their fears and weathering the emotional storms that will follow, they can then commit to ending their enabling entanglements.

The disease of addiction will fervently resist a family’s effort to say “no” and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited in an effort to get the family to resume “business as usual.” There will always be certain family members or friends who will resist the notion of not enabling, join forces with the sick person, and accuse the family of lacking love. The resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family to overcome. Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the alcoholic or addict. To be truly helpful, the weight of the natural consequences of addiction must be experienced by the addict rather than the family, or there can be no reason for hope of recovery.

In the beginning, family members are extremely focused on helping their sick family member and have very little interest in helping themselves. Therefore a strategy of ending enabling behaviors and withdrawing inappropriate support that is designed to help their loved one become more willing to seek help, will be more readily accepted by the family and will provide them with incentive to take these difficult actions.
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