I feel like a codependent freak

Old 09-07-2010, 06:01 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
NightandDay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
I feel like a codependent freak

doing my step work. or trying.

trying to rest and keep myself sane. went to 2 meetings this weekend.

and still. . .

now. . .

i am powerless. my life is unmanageable.

everyday it's something different. RABF got me here. now we are on no contact. 2 weeks and it's caught up with me: i'm not mad at him anymore. i miss him. i dream about him. even when i'm not thinking about him, my brain brings up his name and tells me how much better doing something as mundane as walking to blockbuster would be if he were here.

now, it would be nice if i could subscribe all this to love. but i can't. i've been this way before. with other guys.

i've never really been content where i am, with who i am, or with who i am with. it's always something missing. something else out there. it's easiest for me to focus this on another person.

in high school, i picked a guy who liked me but who was older than me and not really available. he tortured me with his on-again, off-again advances. and it's been that way ever since. i didn't like not being in control in HS, so after that guy i decided i would always be in control of my romantic relationships (ha!) and never devote myself to someone who i could feel had that power over me. i thought i was so smart to have figured out how to not get used by guys like some of my girlfriends! but what the F*CK did i bring on myself?

my RABF. . . you know, i left him for this other guy many years ago. Because i KNEW. I KNEW that this other guy was PERFECT and it was lOVE and everything was better. and you know what? it was. this other guy was wonderful and i was really smitten for a few years. but then? it started to not work out so i went back to RABF.

now this is what is making me crazy. all those years ago, before i left RABF for the other guy. . . i remember walking around with RABF, doing our day to day things and my heart ACHING because i wanted to be with the other guy. it would be so much better if HE were beside me and not RABF. well. .. now this other guy lives in my city not far from me and we do things together sometimes. he knows i am in recovery, etc, but i hung out with him yesterday and had the EXACT SAME REACTION. . thinking about RABF and "knowing" it would be better with him, not this guy (who i'm not even dating , by the way).

so this made me feel really crazy because it wasn't even the guys that had changed. it's my damn brain distorting everything. 6 years ago, reverse the 2 guys roles and i was feeling the exact same thing. so it's not them. IT'S ME.

It was not about appearances, it was about the chaos going on in my head and my heart. I was always one trigger away from insanity.

My life was unhappy and there was no real peace in it, only momentary pauses in the chaos.
I fill my life up with. . romantic drama & sex. Food -- always figuring out what to eat next that will cheer me up. Smoking (just quit, arggggh). And obsessive thinking/fantasizing.

I don't even know if this belongs in step one, but i think it relates to unmanageability and powerlessness.

Also, someone posted yesterday that that thought codies were sicker than addicts and someone else agreed and this sent me into a total tailspin. i know "take what you like and leave the rest" but i just couldn't handle those comments for some reason.



--->
NightandDay is offline  
Old 09-07-2010, 02:25 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
HealingWillCome's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
NightandDay, to me it sounds like you've made a huge realization. One to be proud of! You've seen that you're trying to fill the void with someone, something, anything except self-love and acceptance, and your HP. That's awesome...good for you!!!

Who knows if codies are sicker than addicts...I don't think that's even measurable...or that it matters. What DOES matter is that you have an Awareness, you're working on Acceptance, and you can start taking Action to heal you.

It's worth it, right? To go through this hard work, so that one day you can take a walk to Blockbuster with your significant other, whomever that may be, and be completely at peace with yourself...no matter the circumstances, no matter the partner you've chosen or what his issues might be...no partner will ever be perfect. But you will have your peace anyway! And when you do, you'll probably find yourself with that person who makes your motor run and loves you for who you are...not some guy trying to fill his own void. It's so worth it!

Powerless? Yes, but not over yourself. Unmanageable? Only if you let it get the best of you. I know how hard this Step One stuff is. I'm struggling too. But I think you're doing amazing!
HealingWillCome is offline  
Old 09-07-2010, 03:15 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
i've never really been content where i am, with who i am, or with who i am with. it's always something missing. something else out there. it's easiest for me to focus this on another person.
Perhaps what is missing is a healthy "you". When we feel good about ourselves, when we feel happy and at peace with our life...just as it is, not needing another person to fulfill it, when we are not lonely just because we are alone...that's when we make good choices and can set high standards for what we will and will not allow in our lives.

Recovery helped me to do that, and I have a feeling you are closer than you think to being able to do that too.

Working the steps is not about learning to "cope" with addiction and other people, it's about getting ourselves healthy so we can embrace life and all it brings, good days and bad, and wake up tickled pink every morning, just grateful for another day of adventure and beauty.

Working the steps helped me become a person I never ever thought I could be. It took me a while to get to know that stranger called "me", but the steps helped me do that and I have learned to like her, warts and all.

Stick with it, girl, and I promise your life will get better. It's not just MY promise, it's the promise of the program.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 09-07-2010, 03:20 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I posted the promises on another thread. Here they are, hope they bring a little hope to your heart.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2701970
Ann is offline  
Old 09-08-2010, 12:55 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
NightandDay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
Ann & Healing,

Thank you both so much for your words. I really needed to hear the encouragement that both of you offered. I find myself going through the day picking everything I do apart-- yes, I have awareness. And sometimes that feels like a curse! I am really working on acceptance of myself. I have heard other people at meetings echo what both of you said -- that it is SO worth it to do the steps, that when you come out on the "other side" life can be beautiful and peaceful in ways I don't know about yet. . . and I believe all this. I want it so badly!

I have been trapped in my head quite a bit lately. So yesterday as I was riding the subway, I kept saying the serenity prayer whenever I felt myself starting to loop those familiar tapes in my head. I asked HP to remove the longing for whatever thing outside myself, even if only for a few seconds. I'm happy to report that it works! I'm only getting a few seconds of relief at a time, but I can see that it works and that living in the now can become a habit of mine, just as living in the future & past became a habit of mine. Only difference is, the now is a healthy habit.

It's a struggle though. It really is. I have to be very careful to not skip over myself in the process of changing my perspective. My habitual perspective is negative right now, and that is what I want to change. But I really lose my way if I just try to flip my perspective. I get EXTREMELY anxious and then worry that I'm trying to force myself to feel something that I just don't feel. Does anyone identify with this? I can't flip a switch and go from "glass half empty" to "glass half full." There is a step in between that I havent' yet really been able to articulate. . . I know it involves me getting in touch with my feelings when something is perturbing me. . but things perturb me so much, this is quite a tall order. . .

I will have to experience this more before I can figure out what is going on. . . it's reminding me of playing the piano, though. you learn the left hand alone, you learn the right hand alone. . . then you put one phrase together. . . verrrrry slowly. maybe have to go over it several times, make some adjustments to the fingering, etc. . . practice it a ton until one day it just becomes second nature.

now i have a clear roadmap for learning a musical piece. but i don't have the clear roadmap yet for derailing my negative thoughts and harmful reactions. . . that's what i'm working on. trickiest of all these thoughts seem to be the ones that start in joy and/or boredom and quickly devolve into sadness, what ifs. . . arrrgh i hate that.
NightandDay is offline  
Old 09-08-2010, 01:07 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Chino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by NightandDay View Post
I will have to experience this more before I can figure out what is going on. . . it's reminding me of playing the piano, though. you learn the left hand alone, you learn the right hand alone. . . then you put one phrase together. . . verrrrry slowly. maybe have to go over it several times, make some adjustments to the fingering, etc. . . practice it a ton until one day it just becomes second nature.
I mentioned something about that in the detachers thread. I'm finally finding a balance between emotion and intellect, and it's taken me 3 years of serious dedication to perfect chopsticks. I've got 46 years of codie habits and shaking them off is hard work, but so worth it
Chino is offline  
Old 09-08-2010, 08:40 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Awakening
 
coyote21's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by NightandDay View Post
It's a struggle though. It really is. I have to be very careful to not skip over myself in the process of changing my perspective. My habitual perspective is negative right now, and that is what I want to change. But I really lose my way if I just try to flip my perspective. I get EXTREMELY anxious and then worry that I'm trying to force myself to feel something that I just don't feel. Does anyone identify with this? I can't flip a switch and go from "glass half empty" to "glass half full." There is a step in between that I havent' yet really been able to articulate. . . I know it involves me getting in touch with my feelings when something is perturbing me. . but things perturb me so much, this is quite a tall order. . .
My axw used to say I was the most negative person she'd ever met, and she was right, I was.

Now, and for the last few years I'm pretty damned positive, if I do say so myself.

My life certainly hasn't suddenly gotten better. I live in a tiny 1 br apt with a bunch of college kids. My 9yo daughter has the br and my bed is in the living room. I drive a 10yo car and am 58 and started over with NOTHING just about 3 years ago.

Heck, I just remembered, I don't even have a frickin' job right now!

I have owned homes my whole adult life, and NEVER bought a USED car till 4 years ago. I have had it GOOD my whole life till these last few years, but I was always mad, scared, and unhappy.

I didn't suddenly do a complete 180, In fact I believe that before I only had a SLIGHTLY negative outlook, maybe just skewed 1 or 2 degrees from zero or neutral, but cumulatively it added up over the years.

I believe EVERYTHING in life is a matter of PERSPECTIVE. I began to change the way I talked to myself in my head, I made a conscious effort to stop negative thoughts, and replace them with positive thoughts. And don't laugh, I bought "The Secret" on DVD and listened to it 6 hours a day.

Not a 180 degree change in perspective, only a few degrees from neg. to pos. I have changed my PERSPECTIVE. The other thing I did was to practice GRATITUDE. I am GRATEFUL for my little apt., I'm NOT HOMELESS.

I am grateful for my 10yo retired police cruiser, it runs GOOD, it's FAST, it's SAFE, and it commands respect from all the other idigits on the road.

Really the only thing in my life that has changed is my PERSPECTIVE, and really only a little few degrees.

I am the most blessed person I know, I expect the best outcomes and am OK if that's not what I get.....but mostly the best IS what I get!

Oh BTW, it's not GREAT everyday, but it's pretty damned good MOST of the time. And that's plenty good for me. I am however practicing, practicing, practicing, and believe it will keep getting better.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
coyote21 is offline  
Old 12-04-2010, 12:30 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1
You just described my life, only there is one man. The alcoholic in denial. It's hard to breathe when your life is turned upside down. It's hard to go to sleep at night knowing that you have to relive today.
helplessInMN is offline  
Old 12-04-2010, 12:43 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Nightandday))) - I'm an RA AND recovering codie. I spent almost 30 years in totally dysfunctional relationships with A's.

I do believe, in my case, the codie recovery is harder. It was when I got all codie stressed that I turned to drugs.

The good news is, that though it takes time, you can get better. I've been working on my codie stuff for more than 3-1/2 years, and I've made some good headway. What helped me, the most, was coming here and reading what others have done or are doing. I'd take baby steps, try their suggestions, and decided to take a break from men until I get to the point where I am not looking for a man to complete me, as I've always done. I want someone to enhance my life.

Sure, it's lonely sometimes, but I really, really don't want to make the same mistakes I made in the past.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
Impurrfect is offline  
Old 11-08-2012, 05:24 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lily1918's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
These words are my life story
Lily1918 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:23 PM.