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Amends to Self, God, and Abusers

Old 11-25-2015, 08:15 AM
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Old 11-25-2015, 08:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Fly N Buy View Post
LiveInPeace - I found that when I was uncertain about some of the things you've posed, I simply paused and just let time go by. God will reveal the answers to us - I don't react to what flesh tells me to do once I've asked God for guidance. I wait for His answers, which may come today, tomorrow or 20 years from now - if ever.
Thank you for your post, Fly N Buy. :-) You're absolutely right. I know this is what I'm supposed to do. In fact, I'm sure somewhere on this board I've probably said the same thing to others, but I don't do it myself often enough. Fear keeps me from doing this. It's hard to explain. I get in this place of tremendous fear, and that keeps me from being able to reach out to God when I need Him most. I fear I won't be able to hear his answer. I fear sitting in silence. I fear I'll misunderstand His guidance. It's hard to explain.

I love the reminder that the answer might not come for 20 years. I keep thinking I have to hurry up and make all my amends now so I will be free and feel the 9th step promises and not relapse.

As long as I am willing, that's the key I have found.
Have you found that your willingness is effected by fear? I know this means I haven't fully surrendered, and that I am not trusting and relying on God the best I can. I wish I knew what I have to do to get to that place.

Glad you're here with us, you bring tremendous spirit to our corner of recovery - thank you
Thank you for saying that. :-) I know my posts are long sometimes and I was hoping I wasn't a nuisance here.
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Old 11-25-2015, 04:35 PM
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Just to be clear, the AA program does not say we include ourselves as "others" It says " we must be hard on ourselves but always considerate of others".

The sponsors only job is to take you through all the steps. Of course this will only work if you have a sponsor who has actually taken all the steps. As such he/she will have be able to offer valuable experience with step nine. Step nine is not always about a direct approach. I remember one I had to approach through a third party to set up a meeting.

What kind of risks are amends fraught with?

Actual example. A guy I sponsored woke up one morning with a bright idea to make amends to his wife for sleeping with another woman. He did not talk to me. He was not up to step 9. He told his wife and could not understand why she kicked him out. He named the other woman so his wife went round and confronted her in front of her husband. That marriage ended also. A few weeks later he drank and is still drinking. A bad plan with wrong motives resulted in three adults and several children being injured, and him back drinking.

What is the "great care" that needs to be taken?

You could say the previous steps. In the earlier steps we are working with sympathetic AA members who understand what we are trying to do. The ninth step brings us into contact with people who are not obliged to be sympathetic, who may be hurting from harm we have done and may react anyway they feel like... and we must accept however they react to our approach. We must not "lose it".

Again jumping ahead to amends can result on wrong reactions on our part because we are still thinking with our alcoholic mind, have not yet come to grips with how our reaction to life is a bit off beam.

So we get a situation where someone reacts badly, not how we "expect" them to behave, perhaps they give us a mouthful of abuse, so we give as good as we get. Nothing is accomplished other than adding one more amends to our list.

Hmm. This confuses me. I read "wherever possible" as, if you can buy a plane ticket or drive to see the person. It's interesting to see you read "wherever possible" as "unless person is very sick." (I sure wish there was a cliff notes to the big book! ;-)

It wasn't possible for me to make proper amends to my sister or mother because they are both raging alcoholics. I paid back money I owed them, but though I tried, there has been nothing I could do or say that they could accept as amends for my behaviour, nothing I could do to bring about a restoration of trust and reconciliation. I have done what I could, but it wasn't possible to complete the amends in the way that I could with my father and other folk I harmed. It may become possible in the future, but after 35 years, I have my doubts.
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Old 11-25-2015, 09:32 PM
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Mike's right, I asked my sponsor. Others does not include ourselves. I'll post more of what she said tomorrow. Something about if we're truly spiritually fit, no one can harm us.

Mike thank you for your reply. It was extremely helpful.
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Old 11-25-2015, 10:10 PM
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Can I just ask - are you making your amends list using your Step 4 inventory now? (Just asking because sometimes people ask about things ahead of the step they're working on).

When I prepared for my amends I worked through those Step 4 lists (amazed that actually the list that had generated the most amends for ME to make was my resentments inventory lol). I used little filing cards and wrote the name a nature of my harm on the card and underneath, what I needed to do to make amends. If I didn't know then that was one of the things I discussed with my sponsor when I'd done what I could on the cards. Some of these she advised me to make living amends - by resolving to change my behaviour in the future.

I've heard many people say about putting your amends over 3 lists - now; one day; and never. They all say that by the time they'd worked through the 'now' list they were ready to start on the 'one day' list. And by the time they'd done the work on the 'one day' list, they were ready to start on the 'never' list. Their willingness grew and their fear subsided as they worked through the list.

You say that you'd rather not contact your sponsor while she is stressed - can I suggest that you ask someone else to be a temporary sponsor to help you with your amends list if this a serious and ongoing situation. Although, you might find that helping you with some of these things would actually give your sponsor a break from worrying about her own problems - it works that way sometimes

I found the 12 and 12 really useful in getting my head round all the steps, and this one is no exception. http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_step9.pdf

There are also some really helpful speaker recordings that might help mull over things more... AA Step 9 Speaker Tapes | RecoveryAudio.org
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Old 11-26-2015, 06:45 AM
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These family members are sort of addicted to power and control. I fear an amends, especially in person, would give them that which they crave, vs setting them free. Or maybe it would somewhat set them free.

Imo, it`s your call. Maybe ask around for more advise?



This is what confuses me most. When is it "spiritual or emotional injury to myself", and when is it "my not being able to forgive a sick person"??? I'm underlining this because I think is truly the key question.

Like much of the AA program it is open to interpretation. How about sending an email and feeling out the situation before getting in too deep? Or if you truly feel it`s not wise or healthy to contact them then pass on it.
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Old 11-26-2015, 09:06 AM
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Was told a story once .

Parent has a child normal n loving n kind , then one day the same child develops all sorts of unruly and unacceptable behavior , becomes aggressive some violent tantrums spitting in faces cursing swearing and totally out of control .

Parent stops taking child anywhere because of embarrassment and being forever getting showed up in public . This carries on for a number of years until one day the child starts to show signs of returning to its former self , after a while the child recovers and gets on with life .

Parent gets asked '' did you forgive your child for all the years of unruly behavior ? '' parent replies '' of course I didn't as there was nothing to forgive '' the child was ill and was not to to blame in any way .

I was told the story years ago as I was ''incapable and unable '' to ''forgive myself '' I believed it was an excuse to simply justify or find a reason for my behavior by saying I suffered from an ''illness '' .

You say you are dumbfounded by making amends to yourself /others who abused you and God .

To God you don't need to try and make amends as God is fully aware of your faults and defects , you have no need to '' forgive God ,he forgives you ''

If you learn to accept that you were suffering from said illness and learn to forgive yourself ''first and foremost '' you must then learn to '' forgive yourself for our actions against others '' this is not an ''EXCUSE'' it is a fact not a way out .

By moving on to direct amends list , firstly if you have forgiven yourself firstly , then it should not upset you if you do not get the response ''you '' were hoping for ! it is not ''your will '' its gods will .

Wisdom to Know the Difference '' there are people sometimes even family who are completely live and think in a opposite way from what we are trying to maintain and achieve , they could be spiteful ' nasty 'violent ,totally unreasonable and deeply set in there justifications and rationalizing ? unfortunately people who exist like this are ''unteachable '' and I believe a '' simple sorry '' is sufficient , no explanations, or reason is enough , we need to ''detach ''from these people ,let go ,or let go with love .

People who ''abused ''you resentment is the number one offender and I don't think you need make amends to them , what I know from personal experience is that you need to learn '' not to hate '' takes time but it will happen , then again ''detachment '' no longer living rent free in your head .

I had to learn to ''love ''myself ,if I don't love myself its impossible to love others , love God love yourself love your fellowman .

Regards .

Stevie
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Old 11-26-2015, 09:50 AM
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I only have a minute here, but for me, time. Give time time. I have had little to no contact with my brothers. Last year I was able to make an amends, a little one if you will, to my younger brother. We've never been close and we still aren't, but he said he has forgiven me. Today that suffices and we just live our lives.

My older brother raised my son, although in my alkie opinion, he has done it illegally, but the intention was there to do the right thing. Last weekend I was able to hug my son for the first time in 8 years. He's 20. He had the biggest smile on his face. I don't know when we will be able to talk again, he is heavily influenced by my brother and his wife, but I have new life today. Something is awesome now that I've had some contact with my son.

My older brother keeps me informed about my mother's health, which is failing as he attends the doctor's appointments with my parents. I only get my mother's version. Today, I will take food to my parents as they aren't able to get out of their home (due to not feeling well) today.

My brother and his wife aren't really speaking with me, just sending some texts about mom (brother). I did thank my sister-in-law for raising my son well.

Time. I held onto resentments for a while with these people and probably still do. Working with my sponsor, talking with my network, prayer and meditation all help me wake up happy and useful to others.

There's something I'm not saying here, but basically, stay sober, keep growing spiritually and something may change. I don't hang with people who don't want my company, but I don't harbor those horrendous feelings of hatred I once did. Progress, not perfection. Steps 5 and 7 are my turning points, and I do meet weekly with my sponsor for an hour or two, see them at home group once a week, also.....

I hope you have a happy today filled with being present in each moment.

With love and hugs,
~SB
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Old 11-27-2015, 04:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Gottalife View Post
Just to be clear, the AA program does not say we include ourselves as "others" It says " we must be hard on ourselves but always considerate of others".
Thanks. My sponsor said that, too. But I'd like to add our grand-sponsor says "no amends to someone who abused you." I agree.

The sponsors only job is to take you through all the steps. Of course this will only work if you have a sponsor who has actually taken all the steps. As such he/she will have be able to offer valuable experience with step nine. Step nine is not always about a direct approach. I remember one I had to approach through a third party to set up a meeting.
Good points. My sponsor has gone through all the steps and works a great recovery. Perhaps I need to pick her brain more. Or perhaps she is waiting for me to do a big amends. Thank you, I did not know that some amends can be made via a third party.

What kind of risks are amends fraught with?

Actual example. A guy I sponsored woke up one morning with a bright idea to make amends to his wife for sleeping with another woman. He did not talk to me. He was not up to step 9. He told his wife and could not understand why she kicked him out. He named the other woman so his wife went round and confronted her in front of her husband. That marriage ended also. A few weeks later he drank and is still drinking. A bad plan with wrong motives resulted in three adults and several children being injured, and him back drinking.
I've heard similar things. I made a couple of amends before Step 9--impulsively--they didn't go too well. "The steps are in order for a reason", I was told. I didn't listen back then.

What is the "great care" that needs to be taken?

You could say the previous steps. In the earlier steps we are working with sympathetic AA members who understand what we are trying to do. The ninth step brings us into contact with people who are not obliged to be sympathetic, who may be hurting from harm we have done and may react anyway they feel like... and we must accept however they react to our approach. We must not "lose it".
I hadn't thought of it this way....bringing our recovery out to the world of non AA people; people who still might be suffering from untreated alcoholism/dry drunks. It sucks when we know we've changed, but that others don't know that. But I know that's not what amends are about.

Again jumping ahead to amends can result on wrong reactions on our part because we are still thinking with our alcoholic mind, have not yet come to grips with how our reaction to life is a bit off beam.
Excellent point.

So we get a situation where someone reacts badly, not how we "expect" them to behave, perhaps they give us a mouthful of abuse, so we give as good as we get. Nothing is accomplished other than adding one more amends to our list.
You mean another amends for the amends at a later time? I'm not sure I understand.

It wasn't possible for me to make proper amends to my sister or mother because they are both raging alcoholics. I paid back money I owed them, but though I tried, there has been nothing I could do or say that they could accept as amends for my behaviour, nothing I could do to bring about a restoration of trust and reconciliation. I have done what I could, but it wasn't possible to complete the amends in the way that I could with my father and other folk I harmed. It may become possible in the future, but after 35 years, I have my doubts.
So some amends we just sort of let go, and know that at least we had the willingness?
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Old 11-27-2015, 05:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Beccybean View Post
Can I just ask - are you making your amends list using your Step 4 inventory now? (Just asking because sometimes people ask about things ahead of the step they're working on).
Yes. I get why you asked, I resisted writing my 4th step for a long time just because of Step 9.

When I prepared for my amends I worked through those Step 4 lists (amazed that actually the list that had generated the most amends for ME to make was my resentments inventory lol). I used little filing cards and wrote the name a nature of my harm on the card and underneath, what I needed to do to make amends. If I didn't know then that was one of the things I discussed with my sponsor when I'd done what I could on the cards. Some of these she advised me to make living amends - by resolving to change my behaviour in the future.
It sounds like we did very similar work here.

I've heard many people say about putting your amends over 3 lists - now; one day; and never. They all say that by the time they'd worked through the 'now' list they were ready to start on the 'one day' list. And by the time they'd done the work on the 'one day' list, they were ready to start on the 'never' list. Their willingness grew and their fear subsided as they worked through the list.
I've heard of this method, too. I think Joe and Charlie talk about this.

You say that you'd rather not contact your sponsor while she is stressed - can I suggest that you ask someone else to be a temporary sponsor to help you with your amends list if this a serious and ongoing situation. Although, you might find that helping you with some of these things would actually give your sponsor a break from worrying about her own problems - it works that way sometimes
She seems much more on track now talking to me spiritually. I know I'm not easy to sponsor because I over-think, and I need things said to me more than once because my anxiety causes me to not remember stuff. It's hard to explain. I think, too, sometimes we have little misunderstandings because we process things differently. It happens. She's an awesome sponsor and I'm very grateful for her sponsoring me, but maybe she just wanted me to do more amends. I'm not sure. I'll ask her once I'm on Step 12. :-)

There are also some really helpful speaker recordings that might help mull over things more... AA Step 9 Speaker Tapes | RecoveryAudio.org
Thank you. I wasn't aware of this website. I'll check it out. I've listened to other speaker tapes and get a lot out of them.
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Old 11-27-2015, 05:37 PM
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Originally Posted by stevieg46 View Post
Was told a story once .

Parent has a child normal n loving n kind , then one day the same child develops all sorts of unruly and unacceptable behavior , becomes aggressive some violent tantrums spitting in faces cursing swearing and totally out of control .

Parent stops taking child anywhere because of embarrassment and being forever getting showed up in public . This carries on for a number of years until one day the child starts to show signs of returning to its former self , after a while the child recovers and gets on with life .

Parent gets asked '' did you forgive your child for all the years of unruly behavior ? '' parent replies '' of course I didn't as there was nothing to forgive '' the child was ill and was not to to blame in any way .

I was told the story years ago as I was ''incapable and unable '' to ''forgive myself '' I believed it was an excuse to simply justify or find a reason for my behavior by saying I suffered from an ''illness '' .
Thank you for sharing that. It helps to put things into perspective.

To God you don't need to try and make amends as God is fully aware of your faults and defects , you have no need to '' forgive God ,he forgives you ''
That's a good point. We are already forgiven. And I guess by working my program every day, I'm making living amends to God.

If you learn to accept that you were suffering from said illness and learn to forgive yourself ''first and foremost '' you must then learn to '' forgive yourself for our actions against others '' this is not an ''EXCUSE'' it is a fact not a way out .
The way you stated this is really helpful. It just wasn't clicking with me.

And the last line you wrote above reminds me of something I've heard many times in my meeting--you don't just say "sorry"; you change.

By moving on to direct amends list , firstly if you have forgiven yourself firstly , then it should not upset you if you do not get the response ''you '' were hoping for ! it is not ''your will '' its gods will .
I think you figured out what my issue was. I hadn't fully forgiven myself.

Wisdom to Know the Difference '' there are people sometimes even family who are completely live and think in a opposite way from what we are trying to maintain and achieve , they could be spiteful ' nasty 'violent ,totally unreasonable and deeply set in there justifications and rationalizing ? unfortunately people who exist like this are ''unteachable '' and I believe a '' simple sorry '' is sufficient , no explanations, or reason is enough , we need to ''detach ''from these people ,let go ,or let go with love .
Yup!

What does "let go, or let go with love" mean?

People who ''abused ''you resentment is the number one offender and I don't think you need make amends to them , what I know from personal experience is that you need to learn '' not to hate '' takes time but it will happen , then again ''detachment '' no longer living rent free in your head .
Wow. This was interesting. I know I'm supposed to view these people as being "spiritually sick" and that what they did/said was not personal. I like "not to hate" vs "love and tolerance". that's a good step. Detachment would be awesome. I think I'm making some progress there, but I'm not yet detached. They still get stuck in my head.

I had to learn to ''love ''myself ,if I don't love myself its impossible to love others , love God love yourself love your fellowman .
That is such a good point. Again I think that will be key for me right now. God forgives me and loves me. I need to remember that.

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Old 11-27-2015, 05:44 PM
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Thanks. My sponsor said that, too. But I'd like to add our grand-sponsor says "no amends to someone who abused you." I agree.


You mean another amends for the amends at a later time? I'm not sure I understand.

So some amends we just sort of let go, and know that at least we had the willingness?



Legit questions and the answers no doubt will vary.

Interesting how the grand-sponsor take on amends is different than your sponsor. But isn`t that often the case in AA?

Imo, feeling comfortable with what your doing is all-important. And while I certainly listen to what others have to say and/or suggest it`s my life. Ultimately I need to make the final decisions on what is best for me.
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Old 11-27-2015, 05:55 PM
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Originally Posted by sugarbear1 View Post
I only have a minute here, but for me, time. Give time time. I have had little to no contact with my brothers. Last year I was able to make an amends, a little one if you will, to my younger brother. We've never been close and we still aren't, but he said he has forgiven me. Today that suffices and we just live our lives.
Maybe in time he'll see that you changed. But I know we have to let it go if that's not the case and just live our lives.

My older brother raised my son, although in my alkie opinion, he has done it illegally, but the intention was there to do the right thing. Last weekend I was able to hug my son for the first time in 8 years. He's 20. He had the biggest smile on his face. I don't know when we will be able to talk again, he is heavily influenced by my brother and his wife, but I have new life today. Something is awesome now that I've had some contact with my son.
That is so cool about your son!

My older brother keeps me informed about my mother's health, which is failing as he attends the doctor's appointments with my parents. I only get my mother's version. Today, I will take food to my parents as they aren't able to get out of their home (due to not feeling well) today.
That is kind of you to bring your parents food.

My brother and his wife aren't really speaking with me, just sending some texts about mom (brother). I did thank my sister-in-law for raising my son well.
I feel for you. I think a lot of us are in similar situations. I know my sponsor would say, "The only opinion that matter's is God's", and "Just keep on keeping your side of the street clean." That was really kind of you to text that to your sister in law.

There's something I'm not saying here, but basically, stay sober, keep growing spiritually and something may change. I don't hang with people who don't want my company, but I don't harbor those horrendous feelings of hatred I once did. Progress, not perfection. Steps 5 and 7 are my turning points, and I do meet weekly with my sponsor for an hour or two, see them at home group once a week, also.....
I'm not sure what that means but I think that means you don't want to talk about religion and break tradition, so that's fine. I know we're allowed to talk about God, though.

That is great you are free from the hate. I hope I will be one day, too. I know that hate/anger only poisons our souls, doesn't harm anyone else but ourselves--that's what I was taught in my program.

I hope you have a happy today filled with being present in each moment.
Thanks! That's timely, since I was just telling my sponsor that I hoped this Thanksgiving I could be in the present moment. I'm not going to lie; I was craving a drink for a moment or two after a crazy phone call with some family members, but I was able to give it to God and bring myself back out of ego/mind and into spirit. I'm getting a lot better at not feeding into my ego/mind and just letting it be.

I heard it said once that "God only exists in the present moment, and when we're in the past, we're depressed/wallowing and when we're in the future, we're anxious/in fear."
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Old 11-27-2015, 06:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Ken33xx View Post
Thanks. My sponsor said that, too. But I'd like to add our grand-sponsor says "no amends to someone who abused you." I agree.


You mean another amends for the amends at a later time? I'm not sure I understand.

So some amends we just sort of let go, and know that at least we had the willingness?



Legit questions and the answers no doubt will vary.

Interesting how the grand-sponsor take on amends is different than your sponsor. But isn`t that often the case in AA?
Hmm You're right it does seem that way. But I'm not sure my sponsor and grand-sponsor disagree, but that's where I sometimes don't understand my sponsor. Even though she says that we are not included in the "or others", she also says we don't make amends to someone who abused us. I'm going to have to ask her for clarification. I have a funny feeling that her sponsor may have given her slightly different directions than our grand sponsor.

Imo, feeling comfortable with what your doing is all-important. And while I certainly listen to what others have to say and/or suggest it`s my life. Ultimately I need to make the final decisions on what is best for me.
That's really well said. Thank you.
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Old 11-27-2015, 08:09 PM
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Are you meditating? Meditate, ask your higher power for direction and inspiration as to what your path needs to be.....
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Old 11-27-2015, 11:40 PM
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When I was looking at the parts of my inventory that dealt with abusive people, the thing my sponsor told me to look at was my part, and what caused it. Well, I decided, my part was in taking my fear and turning that into a resentment, and allowing that anger / rage to poison so much of the rest of my life, and so many other relationships. My part was in placing myself if certain situations because my pride and selfishness meant that I would refuse to let anyone help me because I thought I knew better than them, and because I was actually trying to get something out of situations myself, and treating people badly by objectifying them, and that backfired badly for me. I'm not saying that I deserved the abuse that I was subjected to, but I was could acknowledge my parts in how things unfolded.

It didn't result in an 'amend' in Step 9 but it had had an impact on how I resolved to move forward as far as loving relationships were concerned in the future earlier on in my step 4 work. When looking at my Future Sex & Relationships Idea, I resolved, for example: to set boundaries in my relationships, and actually tell others involved what those boundaries were; To say 'no' , even if it might mean risking them thinking badly of me; To take care of myself as an adult by not ever again being a drunken wreck of a sitting duck; To remove myself from toxic people; To not objectify people but be mindful of their feelings, and not treat relationships or people as a source of entertainment or excitement; .... etc. etc.
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Old 11-28-2015, 08:11 AM
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well said beccybean
a very good post
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Old 11-28-2015, 08:27 AM
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If history proves that your relationship with some individual /or maybe some relative is ''always strained '' leading ''always '' to disagreements or arguments '' mainly through their unreasonable constant outlooks ,attitudes etc'' it is better to not ''lift the gauntlet '' and find yourself in the same situation as on previous occasions caused by their challenging behavior. Then it is better to ''let go '' no gauntlet lifting no resentments no argument , it is you that must change ,not them , insanity is doing and saying the same things and expecting different results , somewhat polite conversation then bid goodbye , simple .

Let go and Let God . somewhat same as above , as above you realize that no matter what , you will never say anything that will change anything as you can only change yourself .

People that you are close to or love and you have ''allowed '' to affect your peace of mind and you'' allowed'' to cause you worry despite your ''repeated '' efforts through love , loyalty or whatever ? to improve the circumstances to no avail with them ''you need to Let go with Love '' and Let go and Let God '' it does not mean you fall out with them or go out of your way to avoid them .

Doing these actions and being sober gives us the ability to handle all situations and not allowing ourselves to get upset by others '' differences '' we ''cannot change the things we cannot accept '' so detachment at times when required or us removing ourselves if necessary . take care .

Regards Stevie .
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Old 11-29-2015, 07:33 AM
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Originally Posted by sugarbear1 View Post
Are you meditating? Meditate, ask your higher power for direction and inspiration as to what your path needs to be.....
Not as much as I should be. But I agree this would be a key thing to do. I'm just undisciplined with it right now. :-(
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Old 11-29-2015, 07:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Beccybean View Post
When I was looking at the parts of my inventory that dealt with abusive people, the thing my sponsor told me to look at was my part, and what caused it. Well, I decided, my part was in taking my fear and turning that into a resentment, and allowing that anger / rage to poison so much of the rest of my life, and so many other relationships.
Yes that is very well said, and I did the same thing.

My part was in placing myself if certain situations because my pride and selfishness meant that I would refuse to let anyone help me because I thought I knew better than them, and because I was actually trying to get something out of situations myself, and treating people badly by objectifying them, and that backfired badly for me. I'm not saying that I deserved the abuse that I was subjected to, but I was could acknowledge my parts in how things unfolded.
This took me a while to see, too, until someone explained to me that it's not that I had a part in the abuse; but I had a part in the resentment of it, how I reacted to it, how I still carried the anger, etc.

It didn't result in an 'amend' in Step 9 but it had had an impact on how I resolved to move forward as far as loving relationships were concerned in the future earlier on in my step 4 work. When looking at my Future Sex & Relationships Idea, I resolved, for example: to set boundaries in my relationships, and actually tell others involved what those boundaries were; To say 'no' , even if it might mean risking them thinking badly of me; To take care of myself as an adult by not ever again being a drunken wreck of a sitting duck; To remove myself from toxic people; To not objectify people but be mindful of their feelings, and not treat relationships or people as a source of entertainment or excitement; .... etc. etc.
I have to look at this some more. I don't think I made a connection between my ideal self list and my resentments. It sounds like you got what you were supposed to get out of it. I don't think it's clicked for me yet.
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