When to do so would cause harm....
When to do so would cause harm.... 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
What does your Sponsor say? I think it is about willingness and honesty.
I haven't done the Step in AA so I'm sure someone who has will speak up.
I think you have to be willing to do the amend. In my case, I won't be able to find every person, and some have died. It's the willingness that is important, and the effort made to make good. Do you have a priest or therapist to whom you can tell this story, if it involves something illegal? If it is something very hurtful, I think the willingness to make amends if that person ever brings it up is the important thing. It says in the BB that is isn't fair to hurt others to make the amends. ( I'm not sure where, but it is in the BB about amends. )
Twenty years ago when I had finally had enough of thinking about the why and the "how could you" part of my deceased father's effect on my life, I wrote him a letter. I forgave him and poured out my emotion about the abandonment and betrayal. I told him I understood that he did the best he could and that he had his own demons that were scratching at his back. I was never going to be able to express my thoughts to him and I really needed to.
So I took the letter, tied it to a big mylar balloon filled with Helium (sorry, environment), went to the beach and released the letter. I sat there on the beach and cried until I couldn't see the balloon anymore. It was the symbolic release that finally healed me. At that moment, I was over it. It hasn't bothered me since.
I have some amends to do that involve people who have passed. I think I'll do something along the same line - but without a two foot balloon that will end up in the ocean. Maybe a letter in a glass bottle or a little wooden boat, or maybe I'll burn it or bury it. Whatever, I know it is the symbolism that matters, and what is in my heart.
I haven't done the Step in AA so I'm sure someone who has will speak up.
I think you have to be willing to do the amend. In my case, I won't be able to find every person, and some have died. It's the willingness that is important, and the effort made to make good. Do you have a priest or therapist to whom you can tell this story, if it involves something illegal? If it is something very hurtful, I think the willingness to make amends if that person ever brings it up is the important thing. It says in the BB that is isn't fair to hurt others to make the amends. ( I'm not sure where, but it is in the BB about amends. )
Twenty years ago when I had finally had enough of thinking about the why and the "how could you" part of my deceased father's effect on my life, I wrote him a letter. I forgave him and poured out my emotion about the abandonment and betrayal. I told him I understood that he did the best he could and that he had his own demons that were scratching at his back. I was never going to be able to express my thoughts to him and I really needed to.
So I took the letter, tied it to a big mylar balloon filled with Helium (sorry, environment), went to the beach and released the letter. I sat there on the beach and cried until I couldn't see the balloon anymore. It was the symbolic release that finally healed me. At that moment, I was over it. It hasn't bothered me since.
I have some amends to do that involve people who have passed. I think I'll do something along the same line - but without a two foot balloon that will end up in the ocean. Maybe a letter in a glass bottle or a little wooden boat, or maybe I'll burn it or bury it. Whatever, I know it is the symbolism that matters, and what is in my heart.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
There are ways to make amends indirectly when a direct amends would injure another. Talk with sponsor, meditate on it, your answer will come.
If it's financial, give money to a charity, if it's other, don't repeat the behavior. It all depends on that specific situation.
If it's financial, give money to a charity, if it's other, don't repeat the behavior. It all depends on that specific situation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Do you know enough about the person in question, SoberMama, to do something meaningful in his or her name? An anonymous donation in his name to a charity or cause that is meaningful to that person?
Oops; just saw sugarbear already suggested this (maybe not an oops, maybe a sign?)
Oops; just saw sugarbear already suggested this (maybe not an oops, maybe a sign?)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by SoberMama13 
Where does it go, then?
If I cannot make an amends because it would DEFINITELY cause harm, what do I do with it?
If I cannot make an amends because it would DEFINITELY cause harm, what do I do with it?
I have found from past experience
some of these need to be prayed for more than once
MM
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
Definitely check with your sponsor
In the meantime if it helps, check out pp 79-83. There's a paragraph at mid p81 that may be helpful too. The 12&12 is pretty helpful on this too.
I was told that an amend is an implied promise to change the behaviour that caused the damage. In other words to behave differently. Committing to AA, to living life along spiritual lines is already a start on this (says this clearly in the 12&12) So, chances are, whatever the situation, you are already doing things differently, regardless of the details of this/these particular amends, your conduct being different is in part or even wholly doing everything that needs to be done.
There is one amend I cannot make right now because it is too sensitive & frankly would cause harm on both sides. Have I repeated the behaviour that caused the damage? Nope! So far so good! That is the best, and least harmful thing that can be done right now. If at some point my HP puts this person in my path, I'll take it the time is right for more to be done. But for now that change of behaviour is the amend.
The literature really is very good on this. Well worth a read
Wish you well
In the meantime if it helps, check out pp 79-83. There's a paragraph at mid p81 that may be helpful too. The 12&12 is pretty helpful on this too.
I was told that an amend is an implied promise to change the behaviour that caused the damage. In other words to behave differently. Committing to AA, to living life along spiritual lines is already a start on this (says this clearly in the 12&12) So, chances are, whatever the situation, you are already doing things differently, regardless of the details of this/these particular amends, your conduct being different is in part or even wholly doing everything that needs to be done.
There is one amend I cannot make right now because it is too sensitive & frankly would cause harm on both sides. Have I repeated the behaviour that caused the damage? Nope! So far so good! That is the best, and least harmful thing that can be done right now. If at some point my HP puts this person in my path, I'll take it the time is right for more to be done. But for now that change of behaviour is the amend.
The literature really is very good on this. Well worth a read
Wish you well
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don’t worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could.
that`s the real thing,that if you could make amends directly to them without causing harm,then do it.Since you can`t right now,keep your readiness and willingness if there appears a future time where you could.
so,what do you do next?
keep living sober and progressing along spiritual lines
that`s the real thing,that if you could make amends directly to them without causing harm,then do it.Since you can`t right now,keep your readiness and willingness if there appears a future time where you could.
so,what do you do next?
keep living sober and progressing along spiritual lines
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 112
Thank you all for the suggestions!!!
It's hard because it's my step daughter. I wasn't drinking when she was little but I really resented her presence in my life and wasn't very nice to her (NO abuse or anything!!!!!). Just putting my kids first, sometimes ignoring.
I feel guilty and ashamed just writing this for the first time, and I know that means I need to do something with those feelings, but since she's at the precarious age of 17 and is uber sensitive to anything negative, I feel that bringing it up to her now would definitely cause more harm than good (plus she doesn't know I am in recovery; lives across the country).....
Will talk with my sponsor about it for sure.
Thanks again!!!!
It's hard because it's my step daughter. I wasn't drinking when she was little but I really resented her presence in my life and wasn't very nice to her (NO abuse or anything!!!!!). Just putting my kids first, sometimes ignoring.
I feel guilty and ashamed just writing this for the first time, and I know that means I need to do something with those feelings, but since she's at the precarious age of 17 and is uber sensitive to anything negative, I feel that bringing it up to her now would definitely cause more harm than good (plus she doesn't know I am in recovery; lives across the country).....
Will talk with my sponsor about it for sure.
Thanks again!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
Commend yourself for your courage in sharing that with us 
This is in no way saying now is the right time to make this amend, but contrary to your perspective that this is negative, even just reading it could feel how powerful it was. To have sensed as a youngster as your step-daughter might have that things were at times not as even handed as they might have been, and to hear that acknowledged sensitively, honestly & about your side of the street only - what a gift for her & who knows, even if not immediately, how healing potentially for you both.
Very best to you, that was touching to read, thank you so much for sharing with us.
This is in no way saying now is the right time to make this amend, but contrary to your perspective that this is negative, even just reading it could feel how powerful it was. To have sensed as a youngster as your step-daughter might have that things were at times not as even handed as they might have been, and to hear that acknowledged sensitively, honestly & about your side of the street only - what a gift for her & who knows, even if not immediately, how healing potentially for you both.
Very best to you, that was touching to read, thank you so much for sharing with us.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Accept it and change it
If there's another way to amend it like give to a charity that is relevant to the harm or something like that, sponsor could be helpful
Stay open to what God brings you if anything as an opportunity to do an indirect amends also but be sure it's not just you looking for relief
And last but definitely not least, accept it
We are quicker to learn than we are to accept.
If there's another way to amend it like give to a charity that is relevant to the harm or something like that, sponsor could be helpful
Stay open to what God brings you if anything as an opportunity to do an indirect amends also but be sure it's not just you looking for relief
And last but definitely not least, accept it
We are quicker to learn than we are to accept.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
I just saw your (below) additional comment.
In your 4th step there was probably resentments against her where you got to see your part in this relationship.
From there a good clear concise ends can be written.
I would make a direct amends on this one.
No matter where she is living or how old she is it could make a difference in her life.
I sometimes think this is really the step where the boys become men.
Nice work.
QUOTE=SoberMama13;4602116]Thank you all for the suggestions!!!
It's hard because it's my step daughter. I wasn't drinking when she was little but I really resented her presence in my life and wasn't very nice to her (NO abuse or anything!!!!!). Just putting my kids first, sometimes ignoring.
I feel guilty and ashamed just writing this for the first time, and I know that means I need to do something with those feelings, but since she's at the precarious age of 17 and is uber sensitive to anything negative, I feel that bringing it up to her now would definitely cause more harm than good (plus she doesn't know I am in recovery; lives across the country).....
Will talk with my sponsor about it for sure.
Thanks again!!!![/QUOTE]
In your 4th step there was probably resentments against her where you got to see your part in this relationship.
From there a good clear concise ends can be written.
I would make a direct amends on this one.
No matter where she is living or how old she is it could make a difference in her life.
I sometimes think this is really the step where the boys become men.
Nice work.
QUOTE=SoberMama13;4602116]Thank you all for the suggestions!!!
It's hard because it's my step daughter. I wasn't drinking when she was little but I really resented her presence in my life and wasn't very nice to her (NO abuse or anything!!!!!). Just putting my kids first, sometimes ignoring.
I feel guilty and ashamed just writing this for the first time, and I know that means I need to do something with those feelings, but since she's at the precarious age of 17 and is uber sensitive to anything negative, I feel that bringing it up to her now would definitely cause more harm than good (plus she doesn't know I am in recovery; lives across the country).....
Will talk with my sponsor about it for sure.
Thanks again!!!![/QUOTE]
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