ARKAA

I need to make an Amends to a previous employer, and wondering if there is an example Amends letter to Employers that I can follow. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks!

Charmie

hello arkaa,is there no way you can see these folk face to face? i made 3 amends to previous employers and all were face to face.after all,i didnt harm them by letter.
welcome to sr!

LookingFwd

I too would like some ideas on this. I have a former employer amends looming and am not looking forward to it at all.

I am not planning on sending a letter because I don't know where that piece of paper might end up. I have temporarily ruled out a face-to-face because meeting would very likely mean coming into contact with others who may not be closed-lipped. My plan is to do it by phone and I am thinking something like this:

"I hope you will keep this conversation between us and I will appreciate it if you do.

I had performance problems that forced you to make tough decisions and possibly caused you professional problems as well.

I had problems with alcoholism that I cannot deny caused problems with my job performance.

I want you to know I am sorry for any problems this led to for you, personally or professionally." Click. Whew!

Good luck with yours!

blinds8

This is what I did when I had to make an ammends. I took a step series, so did the steps for the first round from 1-12 in that order. I made a list of my original resentments (which of course were people) then understood it was about my resentments and perhaps it was Brendan that was wrong not whoever even if they were it doesn't matter at this point. Well I went straight through 5-6-7 into step 8, I made a list, on paper, but that wasn't sufficient, I had to go right through into my darkest corners of my past (with my sponsor), those are the ammends I stressed over most because they were to people that were not family, that perhaps would not be so gentle and caring about my new sobriety.... However through prayer to God as I understand him, lot's of meetings and extra meetings, realization, work, and asking for the willingness I made the first ammend I was scared to make and it was a restitution for damage to a building where I smashed a out a window and entered the building. Regardless of what anybody says I was so frightened that I might go to jail, I almost didn't contact the institution and I almost chose drinking or death over life, but you know something? I still am struggling with step 9, you know because I am growing, however painfully slow and coming realise a little more where I was really wrong like where it really counts and that scares me as well because I know there is certain ammends that were ommited in step 9 the first round that I know I have to make if I ever take a step series again by the Grace of God. So you are not alone! Just pray for the willingess never plan ahead for an ammend because it is not about the other person. It is about you, you are trying to make a new life for yourself and that is why you are making an ammend, perhaps it results in a loss of job, incarseration, or even divorce or perhaps nothing at all will result but a kind thank-you but really once it is done and if you have been honest with why you are there, because you are an alcoholic who is sober and you explained to the thing recieving the ammend what you are trying to do with your life and why you are here and that is to come clean to clean house to trust God that he has got you in his arms. What will result is growth perhaps peace of mind. You can never go into those situations trying to control the result because that's not upto you that's upto the person you're making the ammend to and that is why you're there to come clean to take responsibility for your action and own what you did. it's not about the other person, its about you.

blinds8

Do your steps as they are instructed to us in the big book and get a sponsor, don't add any extra curricular to this simple program I mean to say, don't complicate things for yourself.

blinds8

I dont agree with you, you just rifled out a bunch of excuses in my oppinion? I suggest they suit up, shut up, and show up sit down, explain what it is they're doing, then, own up to deed in a gesture of good will (mean it) and leave it at that. There is no way you can instruct another person that you owe restitution too on how they are expected to recieve your ammends and that's because you are the wrong who is wrong for what happened it's upto you to take the crap as it's shot if any at all that is by God don't go in there instructing and controlling how it's going to go with that other person it might backfire on how your trying to make a new life for yourself but I know that fear and I've been to that place where I thought about how to do it and I came up with a million little plans but when I did, it just happened, I allowed myself time, I made sure I was comfortable with the fact that I had to do it mind you I wasn't very comfortable doing it I was comfortable with the fact that I had to do it I just didn't know when or how. God made that known to me and my sponsor got me through the rough paches until I did it. Felt the fear and did it anyway

DayTrader

LF, I'd ask you to consider speaking to your sponsor about this "method." While saying "I'm sorry" takes a load off our shoulders, saying sorry is not the same as making amends. Making amends are about setting things right...asking them what you can do to balance the ledger.

Saying "I'm sorry" makes you feel good (actually, getting WILLING to make the amend should make you feel good and give you some freedom) but making the amend should make THEM feel good.

I've been taught and would agree that the only way to end an amend is with "What can I do to set things straight.....to pay you back for the damage I've done.....to even things out?"

Charmie

what day trader just said....its no good going to somebody that you stole money from and saying "im real sorry about that,i wont do it again" the person is going to want to know where their money is right?
i was taught right from the get go...that if i had hurt somebody in person then i do the amend in person,face to face.suit up and show up.a quick phone call and "click" would not fit the bill....we are trying to clear the wreckage of our past and the path gets narrower as we go along i believe,this is certainly my experience so far.if we are going to make amends then why do it half a$$ed and have to go back and do it again?
"half measures availed us nothing"

NewGrowth

Here are the basic rules I follow with every amends- employer/ex/friend whatever. I'm not the smartest apple in the bunch so I need to keep things simple. These work well for me:

1- Show up. No letters, no phone calls. I didn't harm them from a phone call.

2- Detail what I did and leave them OUT of it. "I wasn't so good" is a bull-hocky thing to say and we all know it. I have to be honest- this is my LIFE we're talking about here. "I lied to you about when I would be at work because I was selfish and didn't think of you" is better.

3- Ask for a pardon and NEVER say sorry. I had that word already and I used it up- sorry means nothing for me now. "I hope you can pardon me" works well for me.

4- "What can I do to make this right?" I never gave those I hurt a chance to have a voice before. I was selfish and self-centered. I don't want to be like that anymore- we CAN'T be- so I give them something we never did before- a choice. They get to name the terms from here on out.

5- Shut up while they talk then DO what they ask of me. I don't get to say anything- nothing. Just listen and then DO. I don't care if they want me to dress up like a banana and sing Dixie- if that's what it takes to erase the feelings of shame and guilt with them- I'll go tune up my banjo right now.

Another thing I had to get over was my fear. Fear that they would harm me, or this would be painful to an extreme. Sometimes it hurts- but I am under a new employer now and are not left to fend for ourselves. If I get knocked in the ego- then I damn well needed to be.

These 'rules' help me a lot when making amends. Hope they can help you too.

blinds8

The funny thing is there is no rules for making an ammed read the big book everything here are just others oppinions including my own always do what aa conference approved literature says first before straying off into the web or other non approved literature.

Tommyh

my big book says I am to make direct amends,I take that to mean face to face when possible

any way
this is a sample letter that might be edited for any purpose if seeing them in person is not possible


AMENDS LETTER
Told by his ex-wife that he couldn’t see her daughter to make his amends directly in
person, this recovering alcoholic was allowed to send her an amends letter. After 3
“sponsor edits,” this is how it ended up:

Dear S.______,
I’m writing to do what I can to set right the harms that I did during the
years that I was in a relationship with your mom. I’ve chosen to type rather
than phone for two reasons: First, my handwriting is pretty awful, and
second, because I want you to have something tangible that you can look at
later when life may be treating you rough. To tell you the truth, I’m tempted
to let things just stay the way they are because your mom tells me that you
have some good memories of the time we spent together. Part of me says
why mess with that? The best answer I have is that I loved you and, I’m
certain deep in my heart, whether you know it yet or not, I did you harm.
I’m sure that you were aware that during the years we were together I
was an active alcoholic. LET ME BE VERY CLEAR THAT THIS
ADMISSION IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER RELIEVES ME OF
RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS. I used alcohol and drugs because
they were the only things I knew that could give me the relief from the
constant fear I felt. I was drawn to you and your family because I
desperately wanted to love and to be loved, but I was also scared to death of
the prospect of being responsible, especially to others. Emotionally I felt
like I had one foot on the gas and the other on the brake. I’m sure that it was
hard for you to figure out what was real - is the real Step-Dad the one who
wants to loves me or the one who’s pushing me away? You weren’t crazy, I
was. You were a wonderful, lovable child and you had every right to expect
consistent love, emotional support, and parenting from me. What you got
instead was fear, chaos, confusion, and abandonment. I want you to know
that I didn’t fail to give you those things because you were unlovable or
undeserving but because I was a sick and frightened man incapable of
giving.
If you feel emotionally ripped off it’s because you were. If you feel
abandoned you’re not crazy, you were. I know at some deep emotional level
it’s hard not to believe that if you were really worthy and valuable that these
things wouldn’t have happened to you. Please believe me, this just isn’t so.
You are worthy and deserving of love then and now, it was I that failed you.
S.______, I hope that you’ll accept my heartfelt regret for these and the
unlisted harms that I did to you. Should you ever want to talk about any of
this please give me a call. If I can ever be of any service to you as a friend
I’d be honored.
sincerely,
.________________

Tommyh

I do know a guy who went to any lengths to make amends
he had a job soon after he got sober...but very little money.He owed amends in South Africa.He lived in N.Carolina at the time
So,he gets a credit card,uses it to buy plane tickets etc,goes to South Africa and makes all his amends,comes back home,and pays off the card...where there is a will,and God,there is a way

I heard another case of a great amends from the 1930`s from a Oxford Group member
I heard this from a man in his 90`s

he got sober in the Oxford group.About 3 weeks later,after prayer,he felt he needed to speak with his boss about his stealing electricity from the company,the electric company he worked for.
he went in and told his boss.he was sent to the company accountant to figure out how much he owed and how to pay it.
He went to speak with the company accountant,and the accountant said,no,no,there is no way you stole that much electricity....the most you could have stole was this much...and named a figure,which was less that he expected.How do you want to pay this asked the accountant?Well,he was broke and they talked it over and made arrangements on a weekly sum.As he was leaving,the accountant asked to speak with him privately about a matter.They met later and this is what happened.

I have never seen this kind of display of honesty he says.To tell you the truth,I have been dishonest myself.My marriage is in shambles,my wife has my bags packed at home and all she has to do is sign a paper and I am out.I am going home,and getting honest with her because she deserves it, and see if we can salvage our marriage.He went home and told her everything.
They decided to try and repair what they could of that broken marriage,based on honesty with each other and bringing God into it.

They struggled but they made it and it lasted over 35 years until one passed away.
this is a true story said the man from the Oxford Group
Now if that guy had sent a letter,what would have happened?
We will never know....



today,my sponsor directs me to pray before any amends ,read steps 8 & 9 in the big book,and do as I feel God wants me to do in my heart.

Charmie

great post bballdad.
one of my sponsors other sponsees went to new zealand to make amends...she live here in scotland.
i went to my daughters old primary school,400 miles away from where i live (it in my hometown so i got to visit family too!)
i went to give them some sponsored walk money back i stole about 10 years ago.
i could have sent a letter but then what happened wouldnt have happened...
i couldnt get to see the headmistress...she was too busy,so the school secretary asked if she could help.as it happened she has been at the school 17 years and remembered my daughter for whom i was collecting the money.
i explained to here why i was there and gave her £50.
it absolutely made her day..she too as the above post mentioned said that she didnt see this kind of thing happening harldy ever.
the school is right between 2 rough housing estates and there is alot of problmes in this area.
she was delighted that someone had made it and was doing their best to get on in life.
i wouldnt want to miss these kind of experiences at all..if my work is solid so far then i am starting to outgrow old behaviours...things like hiding and not facing.
i am walking in Gods presence.

freya

Wow, "B," that's an awesome letter!

ARK:

Fist off, for me, direct, face-to-face, look-'em-in-the-eye has always been best whenever possible, especially in light of the fact that it is the most honest and true-to-the-principles way to go. And "whenever possible" does not mean "whenever easiest and most comfortable and most convenient for me."

I am working to have a life that is "directed by God" rather than "driven by fear," right? So, I always pray to be and strive to be courageous in doing this work. There is nothing courageous about being indirect and impersonal, if I can possibly be direct and personal without causing additional harm to them or others. (...and, btw, my feeling uncomfortable does not constitute additional harm to anyone!)

If you can write a letter or make a phone call, then you can use that letter or that phone call to arrange a F2F meeting in a more private venue, yes????

Secondly, I need to make sure that I cover all of the ways in which I harmed the other person, which means that I also need to find out from them if there are ways that I might have harmed them that I am unaware of or have conveniently over-looked...which in-turn means I have to have the ovaries to ask them that question.

Finally, Step 9 is not about "apologizing" or just saying "sorry;" Step 9 is about "AMENDING." "To amend" something means "to make it right" or "to correct" it, so I also need to find out from them if there is anything that I can do to "make it right."

And then, assuming that they think of something and that that something is fair and reasonable (according to my sponsor), I have to be willing to do it in the spirit of love and reconciliation. (I added the "fair and reasonable and discuss-it-with-sponsor" part, because sometimes we do encounter people who try to take advantage of us in this process... For example, I recently had a sponsee who made an amend to an ex who told her that she could make it right by sleeping with him! Nice try, bud, but not on my watch!)

Personally, I like to think of the principle behind the 9th Step as being "atonement," so, ultimately, it's about me getting back into right-relationship (at-one-ment) with God. That's absolutely the most important thing for me in/through this work, so I really don't want to be skimping on it or looking for any easier, softer ways.

Yesterday, someone was posting links in this forum to a series of BB study talks by Joe H. and Mark H. I've listened to several of theirs (not the one he's posting, I don't think) and they are awesome and super-hardcore when it comes to 4,5,8 & 9. (Actually, they're hardcore about all the Steps, but they tend to spend a lot of time on these 4.) It might help you get more fired-up about this to listen to them.

Good luck and God bless -- freya

P.S. Just FYI as added incentive to any of you ladies out there: Joe H has the absolutely most sexy voice of any AA speaker I've ever heard!!!!!!

Onewithwings

lol! There is a guy in my NA group that has this really sexy speaking voice-- he's a songwriter too, I think-- I just love listening to him talk!

As far as step 9 goes, this is where I am coming to now. I want to make direct amends, face to face, wherever possible, and for me, this means some possible travel. I am getting a prius soon, so I can drive to make many amends (except the ones I owe in Hawaii--those might have to be made by phone or letter! Travel to Hawaii is not cheap.) I worry about making financial amends because I do not have a job myself (my husband works) and I don't feel right about making financial amends with money I didn't earn, so I will likely have to get a job!

I agree with those who have said making amends means making CHANGES. When we amend the Constitution, we don't say "I'm sorry" to it, we CHANGE it! We CHANGE our behavior, and try our best to make things right. This will not befun for me. I owe around 2 grand in financial amends. I also had some behaviors that I can only imagine amending will not be pleasant. But hey, I have God to put my trust in-- I know I will be alright!

Kjell

This is a great thread and very helpful.

I live in the Atlanta (GA) area now, but I've got many amends to do in Richmond, VA. B/c I'm on probation, I've been unable to fly to VA to make amends and will be unable to do so for a while.

So, I've slowly started to call on those who I felt a phone call was enough. So far, the phone calls have been sufficient and well received.

...but my major ones to my ex girlfriends and to my employers, I feel I should fly out there to make amends, so I'm holding off on those right now.

However, before flying out there, it makes sense to me to contact them first and ask their permission to see them, face-to-face. They may not want amends and they may not want amends face-to-face.

I also want to agree that it's not just me saying I'm sorry. It's important I ask them "did I leave anything out"? and "what can I do to make this right"? I then must be prepared to actually do the work and pay the money. Another reason to make sure I'm doing this at the right time, when I'm actually able to amend my wrong and all that comes with it.

Each amend is unique. Each amend may need special handling. Thank God I have a good sponsor who can direct me before I reach out to these people.

Kjell

soraya

i am on step 9 at the moment. I haven't made a direct amend yet. Only living amends.
If i accuse my mother for not beeing there for me - i make sure i am there for her and for others more. my perceptions of how i hurt others differs alot from what they would say. my sponsor says i only excuse myself for what i feel i did wrong. not the rest what they think. i am confused. i thought it was making it right to them not to me to get rid of my guilt..

HonestlyTrying

soroya I am also on step 9, made my list and still adding names. I am afraid and excited to begin. I look forward to facing them with courage and rebuilding my self esteem. I look forward to being forthright, not just pretending to be upstanding and honest. My spirit depends on this, regardless of what it takes to make these amends. I won't be doing them all at once, nor alone. I have the guidance of my sponsor and support of groups I attend who we all share our experience, strength and hope with.
In doing these amends, I can then help another to do theirs. Until I am willing to do this, I wouldn't feel qualified to be a sponsor. I have to do this to help others. I have to do this for my own healing to be of greater service to others. Scared? yep. doesn't matter. doing it despite and in the face of fear.

Berrybean

I am only on step 2. The idea of amends terrifies me at the moment. I just wanted to say that there are so many inspirational people on this site. I'm completing my journal, determined to make it through the door for AA meeting number 2, and can only trust and work my way through the steps a day at a time in the hope that some day I will be ready to do what you are all doing.

Gottalife

You don't have to worry about step 9 at the moment. There are other steps, 4 through 8, that will prepare you for this and when the time comes, you will have all the courage and strength you need.

Sounds like step 2 is already in the bag. You seem willing to believe that the same power that restored the rest of us to sanity will work for you too. That's all there is to step 2. Choosing the spiritual solution of AA.

Next comes the decision (step 3) to do the work, (step 4 on) to clear the way to get connected to that power. It's simpler that you think.