Today's Step

[nandm]

Day 1

The Twelve Steps

"He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit." anonymous

Interestingly enough, when the steps were first put together, they numbered only six: complete deflation; dependence and guidance from a Higher Power; moral inventory; confession; restitution; continued work with other alcoholics.

These were devised in the days when Alcoholics Anonymous was in its infancy and meetings were attended by only a few people in New York and Akron. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous had not yet been written, so their message of recovery was being carried ony by word of mouth.

How fortunate we Anonymous groups are today that, when the book was finally written, the steps after much forethought were expanded to twelve They now proved to be comprehensive enough to be applied to a wide variety of ills, disorders, compulsions, and addictions. Countless people in other kinds of self-help programs have been able to avail themselves of a gold mine of assistance by following this formula.

As you can see, early on, the need for restitution was a prime factor in the A.A. recovery program. We have also found this to be true in the recovery process of every addictive disorder we have encountered. The catharsis in facing those to whom we have done harm is so powerful a healing factor, that we doubt very much if those who do not practice it can achieve total recovery.

Today's Step: I cherish the wisdom of the steps as they are written.

Step by Step, meditations for living the Twelve Steps. Muriel Zink

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Day 2

Effort and risk

"Resitance causes pain and lethargy. It is when we practice acceptance that new possibilities appear.

We know that Step Nine entails both effort and risk.

Effort is required because we must get into action. We must think about how to approach the person(s) to whom we wish to make amends. It's essential to plan our procedure thoughtfully, for we can not achieve a satisfactory result with a hit-and-run encounter. For this reason, we need to arrange a place and time where we can honestly face the persons and explain to them what we're trying to do and why.

Step Nine also involves risk because it's conceivable that the hurt or harm we've done the people on our list is so grave that they can not be forgiving. In fact, they may be downright uncivil to us.

It may feel unproductive to approach someone we suspect will make us feel guiltier than ever. And yet, taking the step offers us an opportunity to really get in touch with our deepest levels of honesty. If we're positive that, at our current stage of recovery, this encounter might work strongly to our disadvantage, then perhaps we can delay it until we feel we've reached a degree of self-acceptance that allows us to be totally candid with everyone.

Remember, we're not expecting a happy ending to all our encounters. But we are anxious to fulfill the task of taking care of our own responsibilities.

Today's Step: I willingly take the risk and make the effort to make direct amends.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink

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Day 3

Making Peace

"All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why." James Thurber

Step Nine allows us to clean up our lives and get rid of the stumbling blocks that have prevented us from reaching our highest good. It allows us to make peace with ourselves by making peace with those we've caused pain and harm.

Even if they don't respond to us positively, we know we've done our share. We know we've tried to set the record straight---and that in itself is an enormous plus.

Like the ancient mariner, we've been carrying an albatross on our shoulders that's been weighing us down and feels like an impossible load to dump. But dump it we do. And in the doing, we find renewed respect for ourselves.

Certainly more than one of us has been fearful of making these amends. But in overcoming that fear we know we've strengthened our resolve to live free from these old feelings of impending doom.

When we have no more secrets, and nothing to hide, we can go about the daily business of living with renewed optimism. Free from the constraints of being afraid to face others, our own sense of self takes on a new and positive aspect.

Today's step: I lay down my burden of guilt gratefully as I make direct amends.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink

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Day 4

Ploys

"It is difficult to live in the present, ridiculous to live in the future and impossible to live in the past." Jim Bishop

As we review the list we made in Step Eight, we can now attempt to sort out our prospective amendees. Step Nine makes it clear that we must make amends "except when to do so would injure them or others."

We need to carefully assess whether our making amends might affect not only the persons with whom wew wish to clear the air, but also others associated with them. For instance, if we were involved in some unsavory business deal, we have to consider whether we might implicate others who were also involved. We must carefully weigh the value of clearing our own conscience against the difficulties our disclosures might cause them.

Frequently, our immediate thought is: "Great! This gets me off the hook with lots of folks, because making amends to some of them would create a domino effect." When we work Step Nine we have to be sure that we don't make it just another ploy in an attempt to avoid humiliating ourselves in front of others. The intent of Step Nine is not meant soley as a means of clearing our own conscience and relieving us of further responsibility. We do need to carefully consider the impacct it may have on others. And we also need to resist the temptation to avoid as much personal discomfort as we can.

Today's Step: I use discenment in making my ammends

Step by Step. Muriel Zink

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Day 5

Forgiving ourselves

"Getting out of a rut is the highest mountain we have to climb." anonymous

If we have thoroughly absorbed the message of guilt-innocence that we explored in an earlier step, then we've accepted the fact that if it hadn't been for our disease, we would have handled our lives and affairs very differently.

This being so, one of the first amends we need to make is to ourselves. We need to forgive ourselves for behaving in a manner that caused others disappointment and hurt. In order to do this, we need to remind ourselves that even when we were caught up in the progression of our disorder, we did the very best we could at the time. And further, at this phase of our recovery, there is no way we could or would behave in the same manner as we did then. Our finer nature, which was buried so long under the blanket of our addiction/compulsion, now comes to the fore. Today we know that we have sufficient positive attributes to act in an honest and acceptable manner.

We always evaluate ourselves in a much harsher manner than we would judge others who have committed similiar offenses. This very attitude is a form of inverse pride.

Today's Step: I make amends to myself by letting go of unrealistic guilt.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink

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Day 6

Matters of Money

"I don't know the key to success but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." Bill Cosby.

Admittedly, many wrongs have been done to us by others. But it's not our purpose to set out, like Don Quixote, to right those wrongs. Ours is not a quest to bring our enemies to their knees; it is plainly and simply an exercise in self-examination and restitution.

If we seem to be belaboring this point, it's simply because this is one of the most common difficulties that has beset many of us. Somehow, it's difficult to comprehend why we have to take all the responsibility for the bad experiences we've had with others. We stubbornly cling to the notion that they should be held responsible for their part.

We do not take all the responsibility. We simply acknowledge where we were wrong. And we become willing to make amends for the part that was our doing.

We must look carefully at where we may have bilked or conned someone, or where we accepted payment for work that was haphazard or shoddy. We examine all our dealings with money---borrowing, overspending, cheating, withholding, wasting. We carefully assess each incident that has proved harmful to ourselves and others.

Today's Step: I take responsibility for the wrongs I have done, and let God handle the ways I was wronged.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink

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Day 7

Making Amends

"You can fall many times, but you aren't a failure until you begin to blame someone else." anonymous.

There are people with whom it would not be wise for us to make certain amends. Although we might be willing, we have to weigh whether our admission would adversely affect their lives.

One of these people might be our spouse. To tell him/her that we carried on an affair with someone in our circle of friends servesno purpose other than to relieve our own conscience. It would pain our spouse and cause a rift in a friendship that has been mutually satisfactory. It might also cause problems in the family of our one-time lover and lead them or us to seek divorce as the only alternative.

Some of us have worked through this by admitting to our spouse that we engaged in an extramarital experience, that we take full responsibility for the affair, and are unwiling to implicae anyone else. When pressed, we have clung to our stand.

If we feel that our spouse could pressure us into a full confession, it might be to everyone's advantage for us to refrain from disclosing the matter at this time.

We're already making amends to friends and family by the change in our behavior, by following the principles the program has taught us, and by not falling back into destructive patterns.

Today's Step: I am developing the wisdom to know when making amends might cause further harm.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink

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Day 8

The Power

"MIx a conviction with a man and something happens!" Adam Clayton Powell

All of the Twelve Step programs have a spiritual base, but many of us continue to find it difficult to accept the message of Steps Two and Three. We've tried to follow the sequence of the steps, "acting as if" we do believe. Yet, deep within us, there remains this nagging doubt that we're being drawn into a religious ritual we can't honestly ascribe to.

Earlier we talked about making our group the power greater than ourselves, of believing that they believe, and following the path they keep assuring us has worked for them. We've also been told that many among us are agnostic and atheists who simply cannot swallow any spiritual concept that smacks of a Godhead.

Once again we'd like to state that religion is not our business. But spirituality is. Experience has shown us that those who cling to the belief that the universe is a hostile place that began in a void and will end in a void have a sense of hopelssness about continuing to follow this recovery formula.

In the Ninth Step, we discover that through the doing---not the thinking---we begin to experience a feeling that some power is working with us and through us for our ultimate good.

Today's Step: A Higher Power lives through me when I take this step.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink

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Day 9

Writing an Amends

"Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sins." Langdon Mitchell

Once we've set up our priority list and identified those people to whom we must first make amends, our next step is to carefully review the way in which we paln to approach them.

If we're no longer living in the same area, we may have to write to them, outlining the "whys" of what we're doing, and assuring them that whatever their reaction may be, we're prepared to accept it.

Some people will simply not respond to our letters. They may still harbor resentments toward us, and we should be prepared for that outcome. Some will respond with forgiveness and encouragement. Still others may wish to close the book on any further contact.

Our experiences in writing amends have been as varied as the personalities of the writers. An example that comes to mind concerns a career army officer who wrote this to his ex-wife:
From: U.S. Army Major L.L. Doe
To: Mrs. Mary Doe
Subject: Increase in child support
This officer regrets the circumstances leading to the divorce of the above named principals. Consequently, this officer has arranged for an increase in the child-support payments to the issue of the then-existing marraige between said principals, namely L.L. Doe, Jr.
Signed,
Major, U.S. Arm L.L. Doe

Today's Step: Writing an amends can lead me to greater honesty.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink

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Day 10

Points of View

"Our repentance is not so much regret for the evil we have done, as a fear of what might happen to us as a result of it.

Writing our amends as a long, narrative essay on cause and effect won't necessarily achieve the results we hope to accomplish. Wading through our tendency to be verbose and go into complicated explanations of the how and why of our actions can be a tedious chore for those to whom we send these letters.

Based on past experience, we believe that when we can be brief and to the point, the recipients of our letters are less suspicious of our intentions than when we get carried away with our rhetoric. Nevertheless, there are times wehn a detailed and explanatory letter is called for. We have to decide for ourselves when this is appropriate.

There are times, too, when our recollection of a past incident may not agree with the memory of the person with whome we are attempting to set things straight. If the should reply to our letter, and question our version of the event(s), it may well be wiser to accept their perception rather than engage in a debate that might lead to further misunderstandings.

Our intent is to clear up the wreckage of our past---not to argue that our point of view is correct.

Today's Step: I keep my written amends brief, simple, and honest.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink