Discussion and Sharing Welcomed!

[CarolD]

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

[CarolD]

I keep this as simple as possible.

For amends to the dead...I wrote letters
sometimes I could take the letter to their grave
and read it then burn.
Sometimes I could not do that action
so I read it aloud and then burn.

My family were at the head of my list
and the hardest to do.

It was super to begin with a fresh slate
and by staying in recovery..

I daily live my amends.

Thanks for letting me share.
__________________

[GlassPrisoner]

Well, I'm there. It's scarier than I thought. I thought I'd just walk up to everyone and, you know, do it.

Some amends are gonna take a while. I owe back taxes, and have to repay those. That may take years.

Carol, I'll take your advice about amends to the dead, sounds like a great idea.

[GlassPrisoner]

Update. Made amends to my 2 daughters and my best friend. It's kind of anti climatic, but they all seemed to appreciate as evidenced by the hugs

Also, Carol, I sent out two letter today to general delivery in the cities where my first love lived, and where mt Dad grew up. (They're both dead)

Next up, Ex-Bosses and Co-workers, and finally the Ex Wife.

[citychick]

I told my husband and kids and various others I was sorry for my behaviour while using. And they all said "no need for that, we're happy you're sober". So I guess I'm making living amends.
As for my deceased parents, I feel where ever they are, they know.
After reading these posts, I'm beginning to think maybe I did a superficial job!?

[Rusty Zipper]

step 9 starts out with 'Good Judgment"... ppfftt!, took some time to aquire that...

on my 4th, i put down my biggest resentment... my crackhead ex-roomy...

i was three days in a self-detox... hurt'n as bad as can be... this hop'd up nit-wit grab'd me by my neck, and tossed me into the wash'n machine...Twice!...i was so bruised up and sore... and theres plenty more to this story...

i said, no way will i ever forigive him for this, and many other things he has done to me...

about two years later, he comes over... first reaction was... get the hell oud'a here... nope, my little power that be in my head said... dont say it...

i asked him to come in... sit down... theres something i would like to say to you... i then said... CH... i would like to say i am no longer that person you new... i apologize for my actions that night... will you fogive me... well, CH looked at me like i grew another head...
he didnt even remember the incident...

then i said, is there anything else... his head spun...

i have made many amends in recovery... no one made such a mark on my recovery as this one...

the real power of forgiveness...

the one i said no, i will never forgive...

i took responsability for my part... i asked him to be my roomy in the first place... then, i shure didnt see it that way...

the last line from step 9...

"the well being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of step nine"

that i try to do in my life today... its no longer all about me!

xxoo, & bless... pattee

[lanie67]

I have done my amends except for one which I am still uncertain about. I have also a few lingering financial amends that I need to make that I have not done. I keep putting them off and it's beyond time for me to do them. It's ridiculous that I've not done them yet. I'm really ashamed of some of my financial behavior just sitting here thinking about it. I need to get them done so I can let go of that shame. Some of the amends I could not do because I just couldn't find the people at the time. Of course I'm thinking now with things like myspace and facebook these folks might actually be easier to find. Blergh...wish I could say I was excited about that prospect. Lol, well I know I will forge ahead in the end.

I have a bad habit of getting myself in trouble by doing amends with people when I am confused about whether I owe one or not; not talking about a formal eighth which a sponsor went over with me, but here and there I get confused and really lately have made some stupid moves out of making amends when I really shouldn't have. My way doesn't work sometimes, and I need to have the humility to accept that.

[citychick]

QUOTE by Rusty Zipper

i took responsability for my part...

I've come to some acceptance about an amends I felt was unnecessary. I didn't quite grasp the notion of " cleaning up my side of the street".....now I see it's the right thing to do.

Pride and ....pride...have been blurring my vision for ....a long time. Funny..I knew I had to but the head said, "nnoooo "

Sponser said read 12/12-8/9 before I do it, sooo, will give it a burl (sincerely)

[Rusty Zipper]

cc

I've come to some acceptance about an amends I felt was unnecessary.

good for you cc...

xxoo, rz

pride, and false pride... phoey!

btw cc, on my step 4 list, guess what headed it?

awe, come on... guess! lol

[citychick]

Wouldn't be Pride would it, RZ?


I prayed for 6 weeks to get rid of the resentment....more like consuming hatred..yuk. And I felt better....and told myself thats the end of it. But now I really see what steps 8/9 are about....more than just me feeling better.

Sometimes I think God just smiles and shakes his head.....knowing I'll come round eventually.

[Rusty Zipper]

CC...

[TimmyO]

Of all the steps, this was the one I liked the least, it was easy to acknowledge my bad behavior on paper and to a confidant but to actually face those people that I had screwed over?

In 4,5,6,7 I got rid of the garbage that I carried in my head and in my heart and with 8 and 9 I was finally able get rid of the garbage that had accumulated in the world outside of my head. The reward wasn't that I now appeared to be this pure white, righteous being, floating down the street, it was simply peace of mind.

As I mentioned in the 8th step post, I had 3 lists: Right now; Maybe in the future; and never. By the time I finished the right nows, most of the maybes had become right nows and some of the nevers became maybes. After the second batch of right nows the rest of the maybes became right nows and all but one never became a maybe... You get the picture...

That last never was a problem as it was my ex-wife. In my mind and many others, she had certainly wronged me more than I had her... (yes I still played the victim from time to time and I was still using the 4th step resentment prayer a LOT). Once again that sponsor thing of mine asked me the golden question, "How free do you really want to be? Do you want to carry your ex-wife around with you until you die or do you want to let go?"

It tool almost a solid year of praying for the willingness to forgive on my part and more importantly, to OWN UP to those things which I did, which were hurtful, rotten, and mean in their own right. I made the amend and interestingly enough, almost immediately, my resentments towards her also vanished! I'm not going to look her up for lunch anytime soon, but she no longer rules every other thought of mine!

At this point a little over 5 years after starting my amends, I am only left with 2 financial amends and I am paying them off instead of declaring bankrupcy. This does not make me any better or any worse than anyone else but I can tell you this: In 14 more months I will no longer be saddled with bad debt (or much debt at all for that matter!) for the first time since I was 17 years old...

So those 9th step promises have all come true too!

Thanks
Tim

[savoy]

Originally Posted by citychick

I told my husband and kids and various others I was sorry for my behaviour while using. And they all said "no need for that, we're happy you're sober". So I guess I'm making living amends.
As for my deceased parents, I feel where ever they are, they know.
After reading these posts, I'm beginning to think maybe I did a superficial job!?

How is it working out in the long run, ?

my family didn't want to hear amends, but it is necessary.

[Rusty Zipper]

its for us savoy, to help clear out the lost soul...

[CarolD]

As my children were with my non drinking family 900 miles
away....my drinking caused more 'sins of omission"
I made sure they were financially secure and in a
stable loving place.

I did do a face to face amend to each as they grew older.
It turned out to be more for me than for them.

My parents never acknowledged my drinking or recovery.
They refused to discuss either.
I wrote my amend and burned it.
Again...it was for me and not them.

I made my peace with God my amends .


Thanks for letting me share.

[savoy]

Amends are not living amends, living is living and amends are amends.

It probably made some of my family uncomfortable to hear amends, because it reflects on them too, everyone played their part.
But its not about them, its about what I did and why I did it and why I don't want to be like that.

But my book tells me I go to it, take the bit in my mouth and don't allow anything to deter me, omitting nothing.
Many times I've heard 'thats OK no need to bother',

well no it isn't OK.

If a direct amend isn't possible, then an amend must be lived , but if that person is available.....so called living amends can be an excuse.

[SCRedhead]

Hello everyone!
I am about to attempt my amends, and I don't mind telling you-I am scared! I like the idea TimmyO had: 3 categories of amends - Right now, maybe in the future and never. I was already thinking maybe I could start with the "easier amends" first and maybe that would help me get the ball rollin' so to speak. I just don't know how to start. Maybe that's not totally true-maybe I'm making excuses to put it off. I know the book says to get right to it-but dad burn it-I'm scared. I have a list of people, maybe I need to pray a little more about it.

Any advice for a chicken like me to get me started?

[keithj]

SCRedhead,

You are about to experience freedom. I'm happy for you.

Of course it's scary. Not always that much fun either. But necessary. You've comitted to repairing the past, and the process is well described.

I like dividing the amends list up into 2 or 3 or 4 groups like you mentioned. For those that you are willing, right now, to make amends to, the step is simple. Make that phone call or send that letter or whatever and seek consent. Then get to it.

For the ones in the other categories, there may be some you are willing and don't know how to contact. Can't find them. I've found that as long as I remain willing, they have a funny way of turning up in my life. It just works that way. Somehow, some way, they turn up again if I remain willing.

For the ones I'm not willing to contact, I follow the book directions and pray for willingness. Over time, and with the success born out of a few successful amends, those people creep over into my willing category. As long as I'm seeking to improve my concious contact with god as I understand, that willingness creeps up on me. One day I wake up and I'm willing to seek out that person I swore I'd never forgive.

In short, get the ones done that you are willing to do today. Pray for willingness to do the others.

[sugErspun]

RedHead ~ from my experience, after the first one is done..it gets easier.

This is what I did.

Took each name from my ammends list and wrote it on an index card.
Then wrote 'specifically' what I am approaching them for (ie - "I betrayed your confidence").
Then went over the stack of cards with my sponsor in prayer.
I marked off those who I was willing to approach, and set the others aside.

Regularly I would revisit the cards I set aside and see if I was now willing.

Eventually they get done.

It really simplified everything for me to be prepared before approaching anyone (of course ~ I didn't just limit the conversation to what was on the card. There is always the listening, the 'what can I do to even the books?" and "is there anything that I did which I may have forgotten?"

Go out and make them, this is when you finally get clear of the past.

[jimhere]

Here's a good prayer to use, but don't say it if you don't really want to know.

Dear God,
Please show me if these unfinished amends have anything to do with me drinking again.
Amen

[SCRedhead]

Thank you everyone!

I appreciate all the great advice! I am re-doiing my list with specifics. My sponsor and I are meeting in a couple of days to go over them and hopefully that will help me understand this process a little more. I have been praying about it, and I already feel a little better. I know some of the other steps were scary to me, but once I got going I felt so much better. I hope this is the case here, too. You are all so fantastic to share and you help me tremendously.

Wish me luck!

[campmarquez]

So I am writing to those who have died and a couple of companies I wroked for and my sponsor came over and corrected them. She said I kept beating myself up in them. I said "I'm sorry" to much instead of "I was wrong."
This one letter to my dead son was from my heart and so when she corrected it I was kind of upset. However, when I read her corrections, I saw that she only corrected where I beat myself up and changed it to "You did the best you could as a mommy at that time" and "You loved Him very much and the best You knew how to at the time>" "You loved your son very much." and "THis is who you were and not who you are now."
Then I have had a problem formulating my financical amends letters because they are more impersonal. She suggests keeping it to the point and stating what you can pay them monthly until all is settled. Admit my wrongs and keep to whatever payment arrangement I agree to ubtil debts are paid.
So I'd like feed back on Your 9th step approaches. I will read what's already posted as well. Thank Yo
Just got through watching the Bill W. story (old version). It was good and what I got out of it was they kept things very simple back then. A.A. today seems to be different from the original A.A. in so many concepts. I am glad we still use the original literature to refer to. Praise God.

[Charmie]

hey SC! im just going to go and make a direct ammends today.to an ex boss.i wen on holiday for a month recently and had started making my ammends before i went away.i finished going through the steps with my sponsor a few days ago.my head will not stop taking inventory of EVERYTHING now! even my hair hurts,,lol.so,to quieten my head i thought some ACTION would be appropriate,i truly think that the thought of going to make and ammends was placed in my head,my ideas are usually not very good,hence the need for the 12 steps! so,,,,,,wish me luck too! (although i dont think luck has much to do with it,having had the channel to God opened i feel safe),,this is a great thread,we can all keep each other updated as to how things are going! laters.

[Tommyh]

Important Points Regarding Amends & Restitution
Excerpted from the Big Book’s explanation of Step 9, pages 76 - 83

Amend type (a) – The people we hated / resented:
Ÿ It may be some have done us more harm than we have done them. With a person we dislike, we take the bit in our teeth. It is harder to go to an enemy than a friend, but the benefit is greater.
Ÿ We go to them in a helpful, forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret.
Ÿ Under NO condition do we criticize or argue.
Ÿ We are there to sweep off OUR side of the street, realizing that nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so.
Ÿ NEVER try to tell them what they should do. Discuss YOUR faults, not theirs.
Ÿ Be calm, frank, and open.
Ÿ It doesn't matter if they accept the apology or throw us out of their office. We've made our demonstration, done our part.

Amend type (b) – The people / institutions owed money:
Ÿ Most (All?) alcoholics owe money.
Ÿ We do not dodge our creditors.
Ÿ In some cases, some of us had to disclose our alcoholism by way of explaining what drove us and what we are now trying to do.
Ÿ We do not try to beat anyone out of anything, but we arrange a deal that we can live up to. Arranging time payments has worked for many of us.
Ÿ Let them know we are sorry. Drinking has made us slow to pay.
Ÿ We must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go, for we are liable to drink if we are afraid to face them.

Amend type (c) – Incidents of criminal offense:
Ÿ Some of us padded expense accounts, fell behind on child support, wrote bad checks, and committed other offenses of the law, which might land us in jail if it were known to the authorities.
Ÿ We remind ourselves that we MUST be willing to go to ANY lengths to set right these wrongs if we are to stay sober. We don't have the power to do this so we ask God for strength and direction to do the right thing.
Ÿ No matter what the personal consequences may be, we know God will protect us if we try to do the right thing (for a change).
Ÿ We may lose our position or reputation or face jail (though most of us had already experienced that), but we are willing anyway. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything.

Amend type (d) – When others are involved:
Ÿ We are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save ourselves.
Ÿ Before taking drastic action, which might implicate other people, we secure their consent.
Ÿ If we have obtained permission, have consulted with others, asked God to help and the drastic step is indicated we must not shrink.
Ÿ Sometimes it is better to take these risks than to stand before our Creator guilty of our wrongs.
Ÿ We have to place the outcome in God’s hands or we may soon start drinking again, and then all would be lost anyhow.

Amend (e) – Domestic troubles:
Ÿ We may be mixed up sexually is a fashion we wouldn’t care to have advertised. After years with a drunk, spouses get worn out, resentful, and uncommunicative.
Ÿ We begin to feel lonely, sorry for ourselves. So we look around for “someone who understands”, feeling justified, when WE were really the source of the problem in the first place. If we are involved in this way, we often feel very remorseful at times and we have to do something about this.
Ÿ If the spouse does not know, we do not always say it is best to tell them. If they know in a general way that we have been wild, we admit our fault.
Ÿ We feel we ought to say that we have no right to name the people involved even if our spouse insists on knowing all the particulars. We are sorry for what we have done and, God willing, it shall not be repeated. It is better that one does not needlessly name a person upon whom our partner can vent jealousy.
Ÿ Perhaps there are some cases where the utmost frankness is demanded. No outsider can appraise such an intimate situation.
Ÿ It may be that both of you will decide that the way of good sense and loving-kindness is to let by-gones be by-gones. Each might pray about it, having the other one’s happiness uppermost in mind.
Ÿ Keep it always in mind that we are dealing with that most horrible human emotion: jealousy. Don't risk more combat over this.
Ÿ Even if we have no such complication as sex outside of the relationship, there is plenty we should do at home.
Ÿ Some alcoholics say that the only thing we need to do is to just keep sober. This isn’t true because we are yet a long way from making good to our spouse and family whom for years we have so shockingly treated. Sobriety without amends is NOT enough.
Ÿ We have been like a tornado roaring our way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Our selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil.
Ÿ A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won’t fill the bill at all. We sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize any of them. Yes, they may have defects, but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible for a lot of them.
Ÿ We set right our wrongs with the family, asking each morning in meditation that God show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness, and love. The spiritual life is not a theory. WE HAVE TO LIVE IT.
Ÿ Unless one’s family expresses a desire to live upon spiritual principles we think we ought not to urge them. Our behavior will convince them more than our words.

Amend type (f) – Wrongs we can never fully right:
Be very careful about listing anyone or anything here. We only list someone here if we can HONESTLY say that the wrong cannot be righted, usually when to do so would further injure them or another person. We are willing (or pray for the willingness to become willing) to make the amend if we could. This should also be discussed with others practicing this way of life because we are very good at justifying just about anything.
Ÿ We don’t worry about them if we can HONESTLY say to ourselves that we would right them if we could.
Ÿ If the case is that they cannot be seen, we write them an honest letter. If they are alive, we send it to them; if they are not we read it to them (perhaps at a place or with a person that we associate with them).
Ÿ There may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases but we don't delay if it can be avoided.
Ÿ We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. We don’t crawl before anyone.


9th Step Prayers from the Big Book
• “Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask [God] that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be.” (pg. 79, ¶ 1)
• “If we have obtained permission [from other people who might be affected by us making this amend], have consulted with others, asked God to help and the drastic step is indicated we must not shrink.” (pg. 80, ¶ 1)
• “Each might pray about it [in cases of domestic problems], having the other one's happiness uppermost in mind.” (pg. 82, ¶ 1)
• “So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.” (pg. 83, ¶ 1)
Examples of 9th Step Prayers
• Asked before we attempt every amend: "God, with regard to this amend, please remove my fear and give me strength, courage and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. Amen" (from the thoughts on pg. 79, ¶ 1)
• Cleaning house with our family, we pray each morning: "God, please show me how to find patience, tolerance, kindness and love in my heart, my mind and my soul. Please help me show these attributes to my family and also, to those around me. Amen" (from the thoughts on pg. 83, ¶ 1)

[Tommyh]

on finical amends,I prayed,talked with my sponsor,got my checkbook and went to pay off old bills.Almost all of those amends was small bills.On one occasion,I owed around 30,000.00 to one place.
I had no money to speak of.I talked with the man,and he wanted his money.He said he wanted to think on it,and he called me later and I went to see him the next week...
he said he would settle for 7000.00
wow
fine I said,let me see if I can come up with the money-I`m broke!
I left and went home
several days passed and I came home from work one day and on my kitchen table was a check for 7,000 bucks made out for me
I wrote him a check for the 7,000.00 dollars and gave it to him

where did the money come from?It came from my father in law who ,unknown to me had borrowed it and he left me the bank payment book
I did not ask him for it,but he knew i was sober and doing the best I could
He took it upon himself to help out.
it took 3 yrs to pay back the bank note,and many times during the 3 years,I was flat broke,not knowing where any money would come from except the little paycheck I was making.Then I started seeing unexpected things happening.Every now and then a small check would come in the mail from somewhere unexpected.It was just enough to get us by when it arrived.Just enough,no more,no less.
Now,I can see God`s hand in it all,and He helped us thru it somehow......
all I had to do was what was set before me and let God in on it,and it all started out with the prayer,help me to become willing to make these amends,or help me to be willing to go see_______

so many times we fear of going to see people because of how we had done them and because we may be broke.We really cannot see a solution before us.
We let our human fears and reasonings stand in the way of God`s miracle,the one who has all power.If the one who has all power is for us,what can happen to us?

Any bad things that happened on steps 8-9 happened because of me and my fears,etc,not others.They was glad I was sober and for the 1st time in my life,trying to do the next right thing.

the 9th step is really for others and God
the 8th step is for me when it comes from the heart because I want to repair the damage I caused to them (if for no other reason.)Have you Ever felt their hurt caused by you?I swear I believe I have on occasion.
but I really benefited from it all greatly in the end
for in making those amends,it removed the last blocks between me ,God,and others