Discussion and Sharing Welcomed!

[Tommyh]

here is a template for a amends letter sent to me by a friend who had worked on it for his x wife`s family
it is only posted as a tool to get the mind going in the right direction


A GREAT AMENDS LETTER

Told by his ex-wife that he couldn’t see her family directly, he WAS allowed to send her a letter. After three edits from his sponsor, here is how it ended up:

Dear S.______,
I’m writing to do what I can to set right the harms that I did during the years that I was in a relationship with your mom. I’ve chosen to type rather than phone for two reasons: First, my handwriting is pretty awful, and second, because I want you to have something tangible that you can look at later when life may be treating you rough. To tell you the truth, I’m tempted to let things just stay the way they are because your mom tells me that you have some good memories of the time we spent together. Part of me says why mess with that? The best answer I have is that I loved you and I’m certain deep in my heart whether you know it yet or not I did you harm. I’m sure that you were aware that during the years we were together I was an active alcoholic. LET ME BE VERY CLEAR THAT THIS IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER RELIEVES ME OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS. I used alcohol and drugs because they were the only things I knew that could give me the relief from the constant fear I felt. I was drawn to you and your family because I desperately wanted to love and to be loved, but I was also scared to death of the prospect of being responsible, especially to others. Emotionally I felt like I had one foot on the gas and the other on the brake. I’m sure that it was hard for you to figure out what was real - is the real M____ the one that wants to loves me or the one that’s pushing me away? You weren’t crazy, I was. You were a wonderful, lovable child and you had every right to expect consistent love, emotional support, and parenting from me. What you got instead was fear, chaos, confusion, and abandonment. I want you to know that I didn’t fail to give you those things because you were unlovable or undeserving but because I was a sick and frightened man incapable of giving. If you feel emotionally ripped off it’s because you were. If you feel abandoned you’re not crazy, you were. I know at some deep emotional level it’s hard not to believe that if you were really worthy and valuable that these things wouldn’t have happened to you. Please believe me, this just isn’t so. You are worthy and deserving of love then and now, it was I that failed you. S.______, I hope that you’ll accept my heartfelt regret for these and the unlisted harms that I did to you. Should you ever want to talk about any of this please give me a call. If I can ever be of any service to you as a friend I’d be honored.

[Charmie]

i actually went and made 2 amends today to previous employers.i thought i was only going to do one but would you know,a ride came my way to get to the other destination (hhhmmmm).on the 1st i went in and said that i was a recovering alcoholic and that i was trying to make restitution to people i done harm to.i said i was sorry for letting them down,i was very sick at the time,i said this was not an excuse just an explanation and that all i was there to do was apologise and take responsibility for my actions.it got quite tearful as the lady has a little insight into the spiritual life.she said she was glad i had come to see them and she was glad i was getting well.she apoligised for things maybe being not being organised when i was there (it was a new business) i said it didnt matter about that at all and that had no bearing on my actions or why i was there.the 2nd (which i didnt think i was going to,but hey,wouldnt yah know!) the lady was shocked but pleased to see me,she said she often wondered how i was.i told her why i was there (same as before) and she said she knew i was an alcoholic but had kind of hoped that things would work themselves out (she was just going to sack me when the lady i made my 1st amends today had offered me a job),,so i just jumped before i was pushed there.she gave me a hug,said i looked well and hoped it stuck.she said she was glad i had gone to see her.i said thank you for listening to me.then ive just got home,im drained but in a good way.powerful stuff this.

[jimhere]

Good stuff Charmain.

[Dime]

That is awesome Charmi! By the time I got to my amends I found out that I was really ready and my Sponsor made sure that I was well prepared and it was a very good experience.

I am very proud of the job you have done!

[Pancake]

OMG Charmian, ((((((Large huge hugs))))))

What an Inspiration you are to me! THANK YOU for such a heart warming and sincere post! I really needed to see that...I'm only starting my Step 4 but done alot of thinking already about my amends and 'who' I need to make them to. YES! There are employers also on my list....Isn't AA a wonderful program?! I love it to smitherines! I'm off now to host our "Across The Sea Friends" Meeting in chat.

Love Pancake xo

[Ado0]

Thank you all for your sharings and tips.

A couple of weeks ago I went out to make some amends.
For a few years ago I stole some bike from a shed.
Since it was a dark night in late november/early december(and I weren't all sober, allthought it was going out of my system), I wasn't quite sure I was going to find the right house.
But at least I knew roughly where it was, and maybe I would just find it and recognize it.

And quite fast i spotted a house which had to be it!
But I chosed to take a look around in the neighbor to be sure.
But that had to be it, so I approached while I prayed, prayed and prayed.

A man was outside washing his car, and I started talking with him.
And at the very moment I've presented myself and started explaining my intent I felt this true serenity which I felt was a direct grace from God!

Unfortunately it turned out that he had no idea of what bicycle I talked about, so it was wrong house after all..went around there(asking a few people too) but with no luck.
Even if it was kind of sad that I didn't find the house, it sure was an fantastic thing to experience, what I felt (when I started to talk with that man) was so overwhelming it could only be explained to be Gods grace!


Also my sponsor gave a tip of a tape which dealt with steps 5 through 10.
(As a kick in my but to do my last amends).
Also there they talked about to see beyond the harm as I see it.
To see how my harm done to others can harm in second rows.
(If I harm for instance a girlfriend that might result in pain for her family too)


And so I was praying last night, and BAM, like a lightening from the sky there it was! :praying
There was this boy, a few years younger than me, that I provided with some drugs.
And a few days later he called me again to get more, which I agreed to.
But it turned out he had overdosed and been to the E.R. (survived) and now hes brother with some friends wanted to retaliate on me, so I was kicked down and so on.

And now I realised that...I owe his family this amends, so now I'm about to see if it's possible.
(I dont know hes name, and when he bought from me he had a friend that acted as a courier, so I've actually never known who he was..so I will have to ask a old friend who gave him my number..so I hope he just remember)

This will be a task!
I have no idea of how I'll take the contact with his family, and his brother will be cool to meet face to face and make amends to. (But I will also be **** nervous)

However, what I feel about this is awesome!
Since its clear to me (since it came to me so strong when I prayed) this must be Gods way of saying that he trust me with this, that he believe(read: know) I can do it!

Going to call my sponsor tomorrow and talk about it, maybe he have some advice how to make the first contact?

And if you out there have any advices I surely appreciate them

Sorry for my english if I've spelled/phrased terrible..