Made a list

[McGowdog]

Made a list and became willing to the list.

I sometimes transfer the names onto 3x5 cards and stack them in order of how I'll do them and get rid of the card when I'm done. You can put the harm done and also jot down what you might offer as retribution as well. But be willing to let them tell you what that retribution is as well.

For example, I tore part of a nice hotel to pieces in a drunken rage.



The next day when I bonded out of jail and walked back to the hotel, I hit the ATM and got $100.00 out and walked up to the front desk and asked for the manager. The manager came up and I introduced myself as the person who went hog-wild the night before in a drunken rage, explained that although I didn't remember most of it, I was there to do what I had to do to set right the wrong and handed her the $100.00 and asked if I could settle up the rest of the damages at $100.00 / month until it was paid off.

She said, "Well thank you. We'll work with you on this. But first, I need to tell you that you're never welcome here again." I agreed. Then she went and wrote up a paper for me to sign that said that I'd pay the balance of about $800.00 until it was paid off and that I'd leave my credit card number in case I ever fell behind of the payments. From mine and others' recollection of what all I did that night, this was a deal!

So again, I jumped ahead a step! I do that sometimes. But I say that to say this; come with an intent to set right the wrong. Sometimes it comes in handy. Hopefully, you have something back in your 4th column or to the right of your 3rd column to get clear on the harm.

[least]

Those who were harmed by my drinking were mostly my family. But the one person harmed the most by my drinking was ME. So making amends to myself is going to involve forgiving myself, which is hard for me to do. I am my own worst critic and my own worst enemy. I will write letters to those I've harmed, mostly my kids, but forgiving myself will be the hardest amends to make.

[jimhere]

Least, if I were you, I'd re think that. Making amends to others is making amends to yourself.

You find forgiveness for yourself through forgiving others. Sew up the loose ends, so to speak.
Jim

[least]

Thank you Jim, that's a good way of looking at it. I am dreading doing this, but looking forward to the relief it will bring. My sponsor told me that there's nothing I've done that's so bad that someone else hasn't done worse... and that makes me feel some better.

I think I'll write some letters today...

[jimhere]

Originally Posted by least

Thank you Jim, that's a good way of looking at it. I am dreading doing this, but looking forward to the relief it will bring. My sponsor told me that there's nothing I've done that's so bad that someone else hasn't done worse... and that makes me feel some better.

I think I'll write some letters today...

I think you'll be surprised if you just open yourself up to the experience. And remember, it's not about wallowing in remorse, guilt, or self-pity. Remember you are going to these people as one of God's kids. In fact amends is just one of God's kids that's made some mistakes going to talk to another one of God's kids that's made some mistakes.
Jim

[McGowdog]

Originally Posted by least

Those who were harmed by my drinking were mostly my family.

I have a question for you; do you think that the only harm we cause God's children is stuff we do/did when we were drinking?

[bballdad]

Least,my experience with amends and forgiveness
I looked at my resentments list and I knew I never let anyone off the hook or forgave them,and that included myself.I feel like I was spiritually incapable of doing so at the time.I just did what the book said and it came.Then the best amends I could make to myself was to make amends to others and trust the process of the steps.

Originally Posted by least

Those who were harmed by my drinking were mostly my family. But the one person harmed the most by my drinking was ME. So making amends to myself is going to involve forgiving myself, which is hard for me to do. I am my own worst critic and my own worst enemy. I will write letters to those I've harmed, mostly my kids, but forgiving myself will be the hardest amends to make.

[least]

No, I don't think that my drinking behavior is/was all there is to make amends for, just that it's my worst offense. I was a pretty good mom and human being, but when drinking all that went out the window. Are you telling me I have to make amends to EVERONE I've EVER harmed IN ANY WAY, whether thru drinking or not?? CAuse if that's the case then I'll be making amends for the rest of my life... I was under the impression that my drinking behavior was what I would be making amends for... not for everything I've ever done wrong in my whole life.

If I have to make amends to everyone for everything I've ever done wrong, that will be an impossible task and will take me years to write all those letters and look up people from way way back in my younger days... my sober days.

Now I'm really confused and feeling the impossibility of it all...

[jimhere]

"If I have to make amends to everyone for everything I've ever done wrong, that will be an impossible task and will take me years to write all those letters and look up people from way way back in my younger days... my sober days."

Least,

It may take years, but it isn't an impossible thing. With God, all things are possible.

[McGowdog]

Your resentment list was a finite list, right? So I'm sure your amends list will be finite too. If an amend comes to your consciousness, write it down on a 3 by 5 card or something.

But be really clear on what harm is and what it's not. Just because I hated or didn't like somebody or am mad at somebody doesn't mean I caused them harm. If I call somebody an assh$#e for being one, I don't think I've harmed them. Harm and hurt are two different things too.

If I snub somebody and don't talk to them because they didn't do something I thought they should, that's harm. If I hedge my bets and say, "Yeah, I'll have lunch with you." and blow them off because something better came up, that's causing harm. Let your "yes" be yes and you "No" be no.

Once you get started in your amends and get the process flowing, then see how you feel about the need to forgive yourself. Shame and guilt should fall from you at some point. The book says we will be amazed before we are halfway through. This last time, I was amazed when I made my last amend... to the man I hated. It came after Christmas. So I was a pain to be around till then.

[sugErspun]

I made ammends for every harm that came up when I was writing my inventory. Most of these had absolutely NOTHING to do with drinking alcohol or being intoxicated.

The book says a lot about this: "Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations."

So I go through this process of writing an inventory...it begins by identifying events or memories or current attitudes which I relate to as being "angry" with, holding resentment.. Then I get more specific about why I was angry..(what THEY did). I identified what part of me this threatened or hurt.

THEN - I read the book on page 67 and it tells me a couple of things: Put the wrongs of others out of my mind. "resolutely" look for my own mistakes.

I start by writing the 4th column of my resentment inventory..I write at the top of the page a couple of things. "HARM" (just like that) and "God, please show me what I need to see..that which blocks me from you, myself and others." And I start writing...a lot of times the HARM, or fourth column item really has nothing to do with the 1st column. Example: I was angry with a guy from my childhood. He picked on me, made me feel afraid of him. In the fourth column ~ what came up was a guy I picked on, bullied, teased when I was years away from my first drink.

I go to this person and make ammends for the way I treated him...sought him out, arranged to meet, told him the things I knew I did that may have hurt him, and asked if there was anything I missed..then I asked what I could do to to set things straight..was there anything I could do to make what I did 20 years ago, right today?

In that case ~ not really. He was pleased to hear from me, and asked that we catch up a little bit. So we did.

The book has really specific instructions on all of these steps..at the end of that chapter it says we have swallowed some big chunks of truth about ourselves. Swallowing big chunks is not comfortable...and often times we do not reall want to see what we did wrong or how we hurt others with our attitudes and actions.

It doesn't make us bad people..and I have never come across someone who thinks that the only time they have caused harm is when they were drunk, this is not an attack on personality, morals or anything of the sort.

Without a strong 3rd step experience, where I tap into the power to see the "truth" without blowing my head off, is how I got through that 4th step and things that I never even saw as harm came out....how I convinced even ME that some of the things I did were justified.

I was safe, having put my life and will in the care of God as I understand God...part of that understanding is that I must "identify and get rid of" those things that block me from God.

I have a family member who is in a 12 step program. Sponsors folks and everything. Takes cakes, talks about the "program" etc.

I asked this person one day if they did the steps (I later made ammends for this)...they said "of course". I asked specifically about ammends - "Do you think you ever did anything that harmed me?" FLAT OUT.

They couldn't think of anything..not a single thing. My fourth step had 15 pages of things (specific instances)..but this person had never swallowed some of the truth, never had the power to see these things (trust me, there are serious things, and trivial things - but to hear "No, not that I know of" was astounding.

This person, once again - works a "good" program, sponsors people...and raised me my whole life. I finally got some compassion, and I am able to forgive them today...once I forgive..I was able to make ammends.

There are things there Least...please do not sell yourself short on this. Pray and the answers will come. I have found this to be absolutely true, and reliable.

[bballdad]

least,it is not impossible,but on the contrary,it is very possible.Right now, it is just writing out the list.Keeping it simple,and one thing at a time.Focus on the job at hand,and leave the # of amends,locations, and time frames of your projections aside for now.Thats what is getting in your way,leaving you to feel like you are up against impossible tasks.
I assure you,I used to feel the same.I thought I would never get my mess of a life straight,but I did with the help of good AA`S and God`s Power.

[bballdad]

least,I would like to add one more thing

if it did take me the rest of my life to make amends,it would be a life well spent!

[least]

Ok, I"m starting my list. Some of them will be letters to dead people that I will write and then burn. But I will take the effort of making amends to them spiritually, at least.

Thank you for all your input. It has been most helpful.

[keithj]

Not impossible at all, least. You are on the right track. Make that list, driven by inventory, and go from there.

Originally Posted by least

Are you telling me I have to make amends to EVERONE I've EVER harmed IN ANY WAY, whether thru drinking or not??

Yes, but with an important caveat. I can only see so much truth at any given time. I'm simply not going to be able to see all of the harms I've done. So, at the time I do my 4th step, I do it as thoroughly and honestly as possible at that time. More will be revealed. If I manage to have a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps, and I stay in that solution of letting my actions and motives be guided by a higher power, more will be revealed.

For instance, I've done multiple 4th steps with sex inventories. A certain person came up only in a general way of meaningless one night stands that sort of got lumped together in my mind. And I didn't see any harm done between consenting and somewhat young and stupid people. This happened well over 20 years ago.

I haven't thought about this person in many years. But, for whatever reason, in a flash the harm came to me one day recently. I realized it. I saw the truth of it. Now, this person is on my amends list where they haven't been previously. Not for a new harm, but because I could finally see the harm. I've been praying about whether and how to make the amends without doing further harm.

I believe that because I stay in the solution of the steps, more was revealed to me. I believe that because I remain willing, I will find a way to make the amend without doing harm. I don't know how it's going to happen, but I believe it will.

[jimhere]

The biggest little word in the entire book is all. As in became willing to make amends to them all.

Here's a prayer:

God, please show if making these amends has anything to do with whether I drink again.


Don't say it if you don't really want to know.

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by least

Ok, I"m starting my list. Some of them will be letters to dead people that I will write and then burn. But I will take the effort of making amends to them spiritually, at least.

My sponsor said by the time he got sober and made it to that list, a lot of those people were dead too. He did just as you are thinking-wrote the letters and burned them.

You're on the right track, gal.

[least]

still making my list. am looking carefully into the harm I've done others and myself and trying to be realistic and honest in making my amends. I've been writing letters to folks far away and apologizing and asking their forgiveness.

The one person I need most to make amends to, and right now, is defiant kid, and she won't listen to me or believe me if I apologize to her. So I'll just be saying it to God, as I know He'll hear me.

thanks again for all the useful input. it helps me a lot.

[sugErspun]

Ammends is much more than apologizing.

The book says something along the lines of "We are neither scraping nor servile."
www.aabigbookonline.com

Ammends is repairing the harm, or at least making it clear that we are willing to do what it takes to repair. Most of the time I had to ask these people face to face what it would take to do so.

It was much more than asking for forgiveness...I had been asking for things my whole life. It was about doing.

[Puddy]

I have a question - my last resentment inventory from earlier this year contains a lot of people I never said a word to - I just sat and stewed on them. A lot of people in AA who "weren't acting according to my standards". But me being the person full of fear, I never said a word to them (thank God), and a lot of them don't even know who I am.

Is there an amend to be made? "Excuse me sir/ma'am, you don't know me, you've probably just seen me at meetings, but for the longest time I couldn't stand you, in fact I hated you - can I set right this wrong?"

Seems like injury to others to me.

I've been making amends like the hounds of hell are on me for months now - and they keep coming up in my meditations, adding to the list. It is daunting, but I have no choice, I asked for God to put me on this path to save my life.

Anyway just wondering about the "silent scorn" amends or not.

[sugErspun]

Originally Posted by Puddy

I have a question - my last resentment inventory from earlier this year contains a lot of people I never said a word to - I just sat and stewed on them. A lot of people in AA who "weren't acting according to my standards". But me being the person full of fear, I never said a word to them (thank God), and a lot of them don't even know who I am.

Is there an amend to be made? "Excuse me sir/ma'am, you don't know me, you've probably just seen me at meetings, but for the longest time I couldn't stand you, in fact I hated you - can I set right this wrong?"

Seems like injury to others to me.

I've been making amends like the hounds of hell are on me for months now - and they keep coming up in my meditations, adding to the list. It is daunting, but I have no choice, I asked for God to put me on this path to save my life.

Anyway just wondering about the "silent scorn" amends or not.

"Except when to do so would injure them or others."

I sense that approaching people, telling them that you hated them even though they didn't know it, and then trying to ammend a harm they were not aware of in the first place is not what god would have you do.

How about: Listening to them. Getting to know them. Talk to them.

It's like people who you used to talk poorly about behind their back (and they were not aware of it). The ammend there is to start saying nice things about them...

The silent scorn was all about you. Not them.

[least]

Originally Posted by sugErspun

Ammends is much more than apologizing.

The book says something along the lines of "We are neither scraping nor servile."
www.aabigbookonline.com

Ammends is repairing the harm, or at least making it clear that we are willing to do what it takes to repair. Most of the time I had to ask these people face to face what it would take to do so.

It was much more than asking for forgiveness...I had been asking for things my whole life. It was about doing.

so are you saying I'm "doing it wrong"? Most of the people on my list of amends are too far away to see them face to face, and what more can I do to repair the 'damage' other than apologize and promise not to treat them that way/do 'it' again. I am neither scraping nor servile, only expressing remorse for my behavior and how I have grown beyond such behaviors.

The asking for forgiveness, I was told, was more for me and my Higher Power than for the person being asked for forgiveness. To forgive others is to be forgiven by God for my own wrongs. I was also told that by making amends to others, I am also making amends to myself for the harm I did to myself.

I will bring up this point with my sponsor. So far she hasn't suggested I do any differently than I have been.

[nandm]

I have been taught that sometimes the only amends is to be a living amends. For me that means that an apology is not necessarily the best thing. Many times an apology can be too easy which leaves the behavior still there. Changing the behavior is what counts. With my children I have to do a living amends as I spent too many years while drinking apologizing to them....today the only way I can make sure they see I am truly sorry is by changing my behaviors. It is through this that I have been able to rebuild a solid relationship with my two oldest children after drinking my way through most of their lives.

I do however believe that if one can both apologize and change the behavior that is the best thing to do.

[sugErspun]

I am not suggesting that anything is being done incorrectly, but I do go by the book.

I have travelled to make ammends, I have had to write letters, I have had to make phone calls..each one is special and needs to be treated as such. I do not have a blanket policy (if it was up to me, I would just create a generic email and blast it out to everyone on the list).

I need to know: What I am making ammends for - specifically.
Is there anything I am missing? (This is something I ask the person)
What can I do to set it right? (Also, something that I ask the person)

What I was trying to express, rather emphasize, was the "What can I do to make things right?" is much different than "I am sorry, I am commited to not doing that again". Also, what does "direct" ammends mean?

If someone hurt me, lets say "harmed me"..and wanted to fix what they had done. Would a letter stating they were sorry and wouldn't do it again repair what had been done? What if this person had repeatedly done some thing over and again, always apologizing but doing it again later (This was me btw - I was an "Im Sorry" machine)? Ammends is about correcting what was done wrong.

This is an experience you do not want to miss.

If what I am doing lines up with the instructions in the book, I have faith that I am "doing it right". Though that is more of a feeling than anything else.

[McGowdog]

I see nothing wrong with bringing the state of sorrow and contrition to the amend.

I basically go to them (after I've gotten clear on the harm I've done them and what I'm making an amend for) and say, "This is what I've done to harm you. What can I do to set it right?"

No need to say "sorry" or "will you forgive me?" From my experience, forgiveness is icing on the cake. If they forgive me, then that's good for "them", not me. They are the one who just got free when they forgive me.

Sometimes, they didn't even need to forgive me. They're not spiritually sick like me and I was not living their head rent free all these years. I merely thought I was.