E,S&H, please!

[freya]

OK...I'm looking for any experience that anyone here might have in relation to something that's going on with me right now that, it seems, might be a Steps 6 and 7 phenomenon.

This morning when I woke up, I had the "message" that maybe it's related to the idea that "the good is the enemy of the best," as it says in the 12 and 12.

Anyways, what seems to maybe be happening at the moment is that it feels like some things -- not character defects exactly, but hitherto positive/healthy things that somehow in some way that I truly don't understand might have gotten to the point where they were somehow standing in the way of or interfereing with my ability to best continue to walk HP's path for me -- are being taken away...or, more accurately, just suddenly disappearing.

And, in all honesty, these are not "bad" things, not like unhealthy coping mechanisms or selfish or dangerous behaviors that might possibly have had some distorted purpose in really dysfunctional situations. They are actually things (behaviors, attitudes, ways of doing things) that have been helpful in healthy ways, and that I've always been kinda glad I had, and that I, truly, considered to be "good," "positive," "strong" things about myself.

So, anyway, it's like, over the last week or so, a couple of things have come up -- "opportunities" I would definitely have called them -- and I have like just assumed that I was going to take advantage of them and had, in fact, every conscious intention of taking advantage of them, and when the time came: I just didn't want to.

...and it's not like I had doubts, or I wasn't sure, or I felt conflicted...It is defintely that the time came and there was this absolutely certain and absolutely authoritarian voice somewhere inside me that very clearly and very calmly said "I don't want to" in a way that, in some sense, allowed for no dispute and no other options. (...and it's actually kinda interesting to me that it is definitely a case of "I don't want to," as opposed to "I can't" or "I shouldn't"...)

...and it feels, on some level, like "not wanting to" is sooooooo not right and soooooo not me, yet, underneath there is some kind of more fundamental certainty that the new behavior / the "not wanting to" is somehow an even more accurate and important expression of myself.....

And I can't explain it and there is no (rationally acceptable) reason for it. I do know for sure that it is a HP thing.....like somehow these "opportunities" to do things and exercise behaviors/choices that I am 100% certain have served me very well and been good/healthy for me in the past actually stand in the way of my being able to go where I am being lead now.

I don't know if this is making any sense; it's very hard to explain. Can anyone relate to any of this???????

freya

[McGowdog]

I don't know what you are facing, but it's probably some kind of spiritual growth.

What are you doing spiritually to seek or find the truth of something? What are you doing to expand and grow in your consciousness?

I've been working with this notion that we are on a spiritual path... we started it when we started drinking. But now, we need not change our path, just our means of getting there. We are addicted to the spiritual life. I heard someone in here say that 6 and 7 are our way of letting God take our will and our life and do with it as God sees fit. Something like that.

Is that ... making any sense? Right now, I'm heavy into Power vs. Force and getting a real kick out of it.

[freya]

Thanks, Dog. I'm guessing right now that what's really going on here is that, when it comes to spirituality and "goping where I'm lead," I really don't have any clue what that means -- so it's like constantly surprising -- or even shocking -- me when big changes/shifts occur.

It's like friggin' amazing to me how much I don't/can't know or predict in this regard.....and part of me is still very, very umcomfortable with that....and I know I've said that before but it's like every single time I move further forward in some very obvious way it takes me totally off-guard that I really am not is charge and do not have the plan all figured out. It's like somehow I just assumed that, even if God was driving the bus, I'd know (and maybe even have some say about! LOL!) where we were going -- and I so don't! So, OK, that's a bit arrogant now that I write it out like that....arrogant and very obviously not the case.

And, obvious character defects, well, yeah, it's a good feeling to have them being removed...but this other stuff, I'm not so sure..but then again, I guess that's probably about being useful to God rather than to myself or even to whatever very limited sense I can have of what God wants for/from me....I guess, right now it just sometimes feels like too much change, too fast for me to handle.....and fear -- like fear of not knowing or having any control over who I'm becoming.....which is arrogant, too, of course, insofar as it indicates insufficient trust.....

...So, it's like I gave my life over to God and now He's rearranging the whole thing and it's kinda freaking me out.....but I guess I'd just better figure out how to get comfortable with it because it really doesn't seem like changing my mind at this point in even an option.

freya

[sugErspun]

The best I have heard along these lines was something like this:

"There is a part of me that will NEVER "get it" or "understand" and it can make me feel uncomfortable. I need to have some compassion for that part of me."

Change is never comfortable, at least in my experience. We can say that we fully trust and move forward without fear - but I have not met anyone who just glides through life taking the bounces and turns with a smile on their face 'all the time'.

Isn't it a great thing to feel?

My first advice would be to look back on other times in your life when you may have felt fear. Did it turn out ok in the end? Though, I do not think this is a sufficient excercise for current conditions because THIS time is always different. Always.

It won't always be comfortable or seem like a good thing...but it is what it is, right? Keep your eyes on the road.

[Sugah]

What you describe, freya, sounds a lot like how I felt when I stopped people pleasing.

I always thought "making people happy" was the same as "being of service to others," and though it was pointed out by my sponsor that it might not exactly be my best thing, might even be a manifestation of one of my grosser character defects, it wasn't until that little voice began guiding me toward what seems to be God's plan for me -- rather than what other people thought of that plan -- did I see and accept "people pleasing" for what it was -- just another attachment that got in the way of true usefulness. And the light bulb didn't come on suddenly, either...more like it was on a slow-moving rheostat.

May not have anything to do with what you're going through, but it's what I've got. And though you're not very specific -- it sounds like you may possibly be on one of those cool and surprising parts of the ride.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[freya]

Well, I was hoping that the "Thanks" button would miraculously reappear -- but no such luck, so I just want to thank you all for your responses!

freya