Today's Step

[nandm]

Day 1

Addictive History

"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything."

When we were very little, we dreamed about what we wanted to be when we grew up. We did this in part because adults used to ask us all the time, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" We also did it because it is normal for little children to fantasize an ideal existence for themselves.

As we grew older, our dreams began to fade under the influence of the giants in our life who dictated the path we were to follo. Some of us were traumatized by being told we'd never amount to anything. Others were ordered to live up to our potential (whatever that was supposed to be). Still others of us were expected to follow in our parent's footsteps.

Some of these expectations didn't become harmful until they started clashing with our own personal yearnings and ambitions. While many of us followed those parental dictaes with good results, others of us assumed---but hated---the roles assigned to us. Playing those roles created negative thinking, negative attitudes and behavior. It's exactly these characteristics that we need to examine now to come to a clearer understanding of our addictive history. An addict with no sense of addictive history can never admit to anyone the exact nature of his wrongs.

Today's Step: I share my addictive history fearlessly.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink

[nandm]

Day 2

Masks

"All human beings have gray little souls---and they all want to rouge them up." Maxim Gorky

The rootof the word "personality" is "persona." This is defined as "a character in a dramatic or literary work"---literally a mask for actors. In psychology, the definition of "persona" is, "The role we assume to display our conscious intentions to ourselves and others."

As we grew up we simply accepted the evaluations other people made of our character, and built a mental image of ourselves that wasn't necessarily accurate.

Over time we becae adept at wearing masks to project what others wanted to see. Because concealment, defense, deception and our need to adapt to our environment were necessary for our survival, these masks became our primary means of defense. As a result they're very difficult to give up. We're afraid if we take them off we'll become a cipher---a zero---in the eyes of others. We have hidden, protected, disguised our true selves. The very thought of mentally undressing under the scrutiny of anyone else is terrifying.

When we trust that those who are close to us wish for us the same ultimate good that we wish for them, we become less afraied and more self-disclosing. For the first time in a very long time, we're beginning to trust enough to risk dropping our masks.

Today's Step: I can take off my mask with perfect confidence.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink

[nandm]

Day 3

Clearing the decks.

"There is something about a closet that make a skeleton restless."

Difficult as change is, it does lead to new good. We tend to cling to the familiar even if that familiar is causing pain and discord. We feel uncertain about taking steps to move from what we know into the unknown. Besides, we're not convinced that change is going to work for us, anyway.

We can point to the fact that we've tried all manner of changes---change of jobs, of spouses, geographic changes---and none of them have proved to be teh answer. We see no logic in the supposition that, afteer we've bared our soul, and admitted our past defects, there will be clear sailing ahead. Taking into account the problmes we have faced, we're not even sure that some of our past behavior wasn't necessary.

What we don't yet realize is that there was a payoff to our dysfunctional behavior. Despite its negative effect it gave us a certain amount of satisfaction in the doing. It was "self-will run riot"---the behavior of a two-year-old whose demands for self-gratification are insatiable.

We cannot clear the decks for change, we cannot clear away past wreackage, without first identifying it, as we did in Step Four. The next move is to be willing to verbalize what we've found so it can be dealt with in a healthy manner.

Today's Step: Coming out of the closet willingly and admitting the exact nature of my wrongs is a change for the better.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink

[nandm]

Day 4

Victims

"If you are pointing the finger at someone, three are pointing back at you!"

We may be having difficulties with the Fourth and Fifth Steps because we do not view ourselves as transgressors, but rather as victims.

For example, take divorce. Many of us who've gone through the experience feel we did everything in our power to save the marraige. It was our mate who refused to change.

We point to the fact that we were self-sacrificing, patient, and understanding of our partner's failings, that we practiced forgiveness again and again despite continued episodes that were very hurtful to us.

In taking our inventory, we admitted to the seven deadly sins only as they related to our envy of others who had a stable marraige. Our pride was simply the act of trying to put on a good public face, despite the pain we were experiencing; our greed was our desire for a more abundant and fullfilling lifestyle; our anger we considered a perfectly normal response to the treatment we were suffering.

As we work Step Five, we can begin to admit to our contributions to our life's difficultities. We can stop being victims.

Today's Step: I release the need to blame others for my own shortcomings.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink

[nandm]

Day 5

Self-Pity

"When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum. Anonymous

Our identity as a victim doesn't hold water once we begin to admit to ourselves the exact nature of our wrongs and how they have affected our relatioships. Gradually, we begin to see that, as one of our friends so aptly put it, "Every pot goes out to find a lid to fit it."

When we can release this victim fixation, we can begin to examine our own role in the chaos of our lives. Finally, we begin to understand what led us to the admission that we were powerless over our circumstances, and that our lives had truly become unmanageable. We discover that we played a very active part in making a relationship unworkable, even though we truly thought we were doing all the right things. But we also find that much of what we did do stemmed from early conditioning and beliefs that came from our families, our cultures, and our religions.

If we are to pull ourselves out of this morass of misconceptions, it's vital that we stop pointing fingers at others and look straight at ourselves. We'll see clearly that we possess some characteristics that work against us in a very powerful way. Paramount among them is self-pity. Equally nonproductive is the illusion that we're doomed to a life of pain, frustration, and lost chances. Through self-examination and self-determination we can reverse this downward spiral and open up new opportunites and admit to ourselves, God, and another human being our own part in various victime scenarios. We can trade in self-pity for self-acceptance and in the process gain positive associations with others.

Today's Step: I can examine painful relationships and understand the rewards of honesty.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink

[nandm]

Day 6

Carol's Story

"The bitter and the sweet come from the outside, the hard from within, from one's own efforts." Albert Einstein

Carol told this story about getting ready for the Fifth Step. She decided she'd type out her inventory from Step Four so it would be legible enough for her sponsor to read----despite the fact that she'd never learned to type. However, her sponsor was a professional writer, so Carol felt it was very important that her inventory be letter-perfect.

Almost instantly she struck a wrong key. Now, Carol was in a quandary. If she erased it, her paper wouldn't look perfect. So she searched her mind for a word that would fit the letter she'd mistyped. Needless to say, this did not end up as a searching and fearless inventory. It was, though, the best she could do at the time. Carol was so afraid of looking inadequate that she couldn't bear to present a less than perfect paper.

Luckily, Carol's sponsor, who had overcome her own serious eating disorder, was able to assure her that no one grades our inventory and succeeded in helping her complete a satisfactory Fifth Step.

Nevertheless, the importance of what Carol accomplished must not be diminished. Despite the fact that the job was a superficial one, she did it. She demonstrated the willingness to follow directions---a primary ingredient in any recovery program.

Today's Step: I release the need to do a perfect inventory, and I get on with it.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink

[nandm]

Day 7

The Triple Whammy

"It is not the criminal things that are hardest to confess, but the ridiculous and shameful." Jean-Jacques Roussea.

The value of our inventory is never more clearly demonstrated than when we admit the nature of our wrongs to ourselves and others. Without that written evidence, our minds search for every excuse, rationalization and justification in the book.

We could remain masked and inscrutable to ourselves and others were we not faced with the triple whammy that Step Five delivers.

"To God, to ourselves," are the two preliminary phases that prepare us for the moment when we face another human being with our disclosures. But there is absolutely no way we can be candid with that other person until we ourselves have made full and complete disclosure to ourselves.

This unmasking, this tearing away of our self deceptions, is very painful. We have to drop the "act" that was our coping mechanism. We have to release the image that we and others have painted of ourselves. We have to let go of the fiction that we've been hapless victims of cruel fate. At this point, there's nothing left to do but honestly confront the truth that no one but ourselves is responsible for the spot we have found ourselves in today.

This, at long last, is when we're able to embrace our dark side---our "shadow".

And this is where we start.

Today's Step: I am no longer afraid to admit the exact nature of my wrongs.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink

[nandm]

Day 8

Bad News and Good News

"One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives." Euripides

Once we work the Fifth Step and share the results of our Fourth Step inventory with others, we begin to realize that we're gaining more and more insight into the why of our addiction. With increasing clarity, we see that our own behavior has been the major cause of our unahppiness.

As we uncover the characteristics that led us down the path to our disease, we slowly realize that it wasn't our life situation that was at fault. It wasn't our parents' fault. It wasn't "bad luck." It wasn't any person, place, or thing that pushed us over the edge. The reality is taht we had begun to develop some dysfunctional habit patterns. At first they seemed innocuous enough. But in the end, it was these patterns that led to the chronic progression of our disorder.

The good news here is that the more we uncover and discover, and the more candid we become about sharing this with another person, the closer we became about sharing this with another person, the closer we are to our recovery. Along the way we'll learn that what looks like a catastophe at first glance becomes a golden opportunity.

There are people today in the Twelve Step process who are able to accept things that we're still making ourselves miserable about. And they stand ready to help us work through every step of our recovery. All we have to do is ask.

Today's Step: It becomes easier and easier to admit the truth to myself and others.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink

[nandm]

Day 9

A Spiritual Program

"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him." Voltaire

"God" is a word, a term that has been used universally to depict a presence variously envisioned as powerful, benign, punitive, clever, omnipotent, cruel, loving, vindictive, wrathful, or omniscient, depending upon the views, needs, or beliefs of a given group of people.

Those who subscribe to the ethic of formal religion follow the prescribed procedures advocated by their system of belief, whether it be Buddhism, Islamism, Judaism, Taoism, Hindusim, Christianity, or others. Some Christian churches see God as an anthropomorphic being who keep a tally of their sins, and who---when they die---assigns them to heaven, hell or purgatory, depending on their record sheet.

Mormons believe in families reunited on one of the three levels of heaven. Catholics and Episcopalians believe in life everlastin. Jews believe that heaven and hell are part of our daily lives right here on earth. Other faiths subscribe to reincarnation.

Whatever we believe will not conflict with the working of these steps, for the program is not religious. However, it is spiritual. For years, not only those who were affiliated with formal religions but also agnostics and atheists chose to accept the word "God" as the term for their Higher Power.

Today's Step: As I work my program, I develop my own personal concept of God.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink

[nandm]

Day 10

"Admitted to God"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right." Thomas Edison

Before we approach the person with whom we are to share Step Five, we must first privately confess to ourselves and to God.

Granted, this presupposes that we're using "God" as a term that defines either a power greater than ourselves or a Higher Power. Some folks use "H.P.," others use "universal mind or spirit," still others "God" or "Goddess within." Many people in their early stages of sobriety choose to allow the group conscience to guide them. There is no quarrel among any of us as to which term you choose.

It is in the doing that results begin to show themselves. Without the willingness to at least act as if we were putting some sort of trust and belief in a Higher Power, we remain mired in the belief that of ourselves, and by ourselves we can master our own recovery, despite the fact that our past performance totally disproves this illusion.

Deeply rooted habits of self-justification are hard to break. They constantly tempt us to find rationalizations for our past wrongs. And although we may argue that there's no sense in admitting them to God because---if He is God---He already knows the, we're hopelessly stuck until we let go of any resistance to doing the step exactly as it is outlined.

Today's Step: In a leap of faith, I admit to the God of my understanding the exact nature of my wrongs.

Step by Step. Muriel Zink