Practicing Tolerance, Insight and Awareness into Behavior Patterns
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Practicing Tolerance, Insight and Awareness into Behavior Patterns
I used to think that tolerating others' flaws and my own flaws was necessary because things in this world should be right and just, and since things were not right this is what must be done. Things should be a certain way to be acceptable or appropriate in a given situation. It's been part of my new awareness in sobriety, and actually hard for me to realize and admit I felt this way, because I thought of myself as an open-minded person who sees most things objectively. In lots of instances, this is true. But I failed to see that in some instances my opinion and perspective were what I was asserting and using to formulate expectations. And of course, I am a fallible human being 
A lot of my rage and anger felt justified because of this. And notice I say "rage" because, yes, I actually had rage. I was raging in most instances over "injustice" done to me and others. I dropped people like hot rocks throughout my life once I realized they were (*gasp*)... human and doing wrong to me. Lol. In retrospect, this seems naive and childish. I see the protective mechanisms at play, and a sense of justice... yes, but the reaction on my part is where there was a disconnect. I acted in these ways: (1) removed myself from the person or situation, (2) lashed out at them eventually, or (3) lashed out at something, anything... even at myself.
Mostly, I am posting this to sort out my realizations and new awareness of my behavior patterns, and this is part of doing a Step 4 in the 12 Steps. Thanks for listening And feel free to comment, and share your thoughts and experiences with practicing tolerance and any insights you now have about yourselves and your behavior patterns.
Tolerance
Practice tolerance.
Tolerate our quirks, our feelings, our reactions, our peculiarities, and our humanness. Tolerate our ups and downs, our resistance to change, and our struggling and sometimes awkward nature.
Tolerate our fears, our mistakes, our natural tendency to duck from problems, and pain. Tolerate our hesitancy to get close, expose ourselves, and be vulnerable.
Tolerate our need to occasionally feel superior, to sometimes feel ashamed, and to occasionally share love as an equal. Tolerate the way we progress - a few steps forward, and a couple back.
Tolerate our instinctive desire to control and how we reluctantly learn to practice detachment. Tolerate the way we say we want love, and then sometimes push others away. Tolerate our tendency to get obsessive, forget to trust God, and occasionally get stuck.
Some things we do not tolerate. Do not tolerate abusive or destructive behaviors toward others or ourselves.
Practice healthy, loving tolerance of ourselves, said one man. When we do, we'll learn tolerance for others. Then, take it one step further; learn that all the humanness we're tolerating is what makes ourselves and others beautiful.
Today, I will be tolerant of myself. From that, I will learn appropriate tolerance of others.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.
A lot of my rage and anger felt justified because of this. And notice I say "rage" because, yes, I actually had rage. I was raging in most instances over "injustice" done to me and others. I dropped people like hot rocks throughout my life once I realized they were (*gasp*)... human and doing wrong to me. Lol. In retrospect, this seems naive and childish. I see the protective mechanisms at play, and a sense of justice... yes, but the reaction on my part is where there was a disconnect. I acted in these ways: (1) removed myself from the person or situation, (2) lashed out at them eventually, or (3) lashed out at something, anything... even at myself.
Mostly, I am posting this to sort out my realizations and new awareness of my behavior patterns, and this is part of doing a Step 4 in the 12 Steps. Thanks for listening
And feel free to comment, and share your thoughts and experiences with practicing tolerance and any insights you now have about yourselves and your behavior patterns. Tolerance
Practice tolerance.
Tolerate our quirks, our feelings, our reactions, our peculiarities, and our humanness. Tolerate our ups and downs, our resistance to change, and our struggling and sometimes awkward nature.
Tolerate our fears, our mistakes, our natural tendency to duck from problems, and pain. Tolerate our hesitancy to get close, expose ourselves, and be vulnerable.
Tolerate our need to occasionally feel superior, to sometimes feel ashamed, and to occasionally share love as an equal. Tolerate the way we progress - a few steps forward, and a couple back.
Tolerate our instinctive desire to control and how we reluctantly learn to practice detachment. Tolerate the way we say we want love, and then sometimes push others away. Tolerate our tendency to get obsessive, forget to trust God, and occasionally get stuck.
Some things we do not tolerate. Do not tolerate abusive or destructive behaviors toward others or ourselves.
Practice healthy, loving tolerance of ourselves, said one man. When we do, we'll learn tolerance for others. Then, take it one step further; learn that all the humanness we're tolerating is what makes ourselves and others beautiful.
Today, I will be tolerant of myself. From that, I will learn appropriate tolerance of others.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.
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Oh... I should have stated that Things Are What They Are. Part of my new life philosophy is realizing this. It is up to me to either Accept it, Change it (if I can), and to grow in wisdom to determine whether it's something I can even change!
Things in this world are not "supposed" to be right. But I can adjust to what is.
Things in this world are not "supposed" to be right. But I can adjust to what is.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
In reading your post, along with the other regarding your grandfather, the thought occurs to me that most (if not all) of the time, people are acting in ways that serve to protect themselves. It seems that the more an individual has been hurt, the more pronounced the effect. To one extent or another I believe this is happening in ourselves and others on an almost continuous basis, whether we realize it or not.
Your grandfathers distancing himself from you is likely his own particular way of protecting himself. As I'm writing this, the thought occurs to me that most of the obnoxious, hurtful and bothersome behaviors that I see in others are the result of their attempts at self protection. My failure to recognize this is often nothing more than my own attempt to protect myself.
The task is to bare this in mind, and that's not always easy.
Your grandfathers distancing himself from you is likely his own particular way of protecting himself. As I'm writing this, the thought occurs to me that most of the obnoxious, hurtful and bothersome behaviors that I see in others are the result of their attempts at self protection. My failure to recognize this is often nothing more than my own attempt to protect myself.
The task is to bare this in mind, and that's not always easy.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life -unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake."
(Dr. Paul O.)
"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about "justifiable" anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad? Can't we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it."
(Bill W. & Tom P.)
(Dr. Paul O.)
"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about "justifiable" anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad? Can't we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it."
(Bill W. & Tom P.)
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