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|01-21-2012, 04:35 AM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Dec 2008
shaun00 step 4
My inventory is complete....it is the most honest and in depth i could do.
My sponsor has asked me to complete this with out delay...i guess it took me in the region of 9 hours..stopping for several coffee breaks.
Ive used a an A4 pad...splitting into five columns....whom, cause, affects my,(instincts)..my part, and fear being the final column .....its not a pre-printed sheet with boxes to tick... Its a blank sheet i went for this option to allow myself to think hard rather than tick boxes....cos i know ill just tick all the boxes...bear in mind ive done this fact finding before.
separate fears list ( not attached to resentments) .
and a sex inventory related to current and past relationships.
I guess i have 20 odd A4 pages in front of me...
Cant say i feel particularly good.......feel very sad...i already see the damage/ the whirlwind and its not pretty......i guess its good to feel that...
life run on distorted instincts...touch them and i go off like a firework.
Sponsor is due round in an hour, so ill add to this post and of course a 5th step post.
|01-21-2012, 06:23 AM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2009
Hi Shaun. Nice job. This doesn't have to be a drawn out over months process. My last inventory hit all the areas of my life: relationship, kids, finances, job, friendships, AA. Every area of my life where I'm running the show was represented. And like you, the damage was clear, and my selfishness and dishonesty were apparent.
I'm not consumed by resentment these days. What I saw, was that all my self-concerned actions are driven by fear. Good intentions, but the driving force was fear. My fear inventory was extensive, and I could see how a fear-driven life got to play out in my current sex inventory.
I 5th Stepped most of that this past week, and will finish it in the coming week. 3 of us are doing this together, and it takes a little longer.
|01-21-2012, 07:59 AM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2003
I am not going to get into my whole 4th steps stuff but as Keith said,we could really do some sharing here on this important step.
but a couple things anyway...lol
when I did the sex inventory,it gave me a clear cut picture of my future sex conduct,a God given ideal towards which I was to work towards.If I had trusted and relied in God instead of self,how might have things been different?
I saw it as plain as day as God reveled it to me.What my life can be like today and what it used to be like.No comparison it was so different.
step 4 gets the blocks out of the way that had been separating me from God
if i skimped here,insanity would stay to some degree.The only answer was to do it all.To clean house all the way,not just part of the way
did I want relief or freedom?
the bondage of self says,go for Relief ,just do part of it,God offers freedom & says do it all,leave no stone unturned.I will not listen to people who say,just do some or a little,these people will lead me to a life of continued misery.It shows me they have a faulty understanding of AA
Dr Bob said,clean house,trust God and help others........did I just want to clean house a little to get some relief,or did I wanna clean it thoroughly and get freedom?
my 4th step consisted of 3 1/2 notebooks full ...that how Good God is to me,that`s a little sign of how much He loves me.
|01-21-2012, 11:03 AM||#4 (permalink)|
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northern Virginia
I've done several written inventories throughout my time in AA. I am not yet disciplined enough to do a nightly written review.
Inventory 1: Quick grudge list no columns. At the end of which I saw how much alcohol controlled and dominated my life. I also saw how several things from my past that I cast blame upon others for were actually my fault. My fault because of alcohol. The interesting pattern there is those items were the usual items I used to justify my drinking. Might not have done it "by the book" but I got free of those resentments and it reinforced both my 1st Step and 3rd Step. My experience.
Inventory 2: Whole life resentment and fear. Shortly after Inventory 1 my then sponsor said I didn't do it right. He mentioned "we went back through our lives". Lot of women on that list especially in the fear department. Came away from that inventory with the sense that my reaction to life was in general poor, like a spoiled rotten brat who didn't get his way and threatened to hold his breath and turn blue. Spoke to a priest as a fifth step. Was told that wasn't what the Big Book said to do. Disagreed with the then sponsor and showed him it was in fact what I was supposed to do. Sent me a scathing email and I didn't understand it. The result of that 4th and 5th was a sense of freedom and an awareness that my life was not mine to take.
Inventory 3: Sex inventory. My new sponsor had me answer questions out of the 12 and 12. Acted like a pretty big baby when the wife wasn't in the mood. I would selfishly want / expect things not taking into consideration that maybe she was tired and not in the mood. I'd throw a mini tantrum, silent treatment, elbow into my pillow and restless sleep. Always took it personally, like she didn't want to because I wasn't good enough.
Inventory 4. A few years down the road had a problem with a work associate. A female. THis wasn't a written inventory as much as a verbal inventory / fifth step at the same time with a sponsor. His conclusion - I was unwilling to work for a woman. The change, I woke up to that and had no problem working for women anymore.
Inventory 5. Was taking a new guy through the steps. Wrote down some current resentments as a sample for him. Showed me some seflishness that existed that was getting in the way of my effectiveness in my new role as father. Hey 38 years of being a selfish, self-centered, do what I want when I want and all of a sudden have the responsibility of being a father - I had to change. This pointed out some areas where I needed to change.
Inventory 6: Going through Steps 1-9 again. Asked my sponsor about how he wanted me to do a fourth step. Was sponsoring a new fellow and was going to go through the steps with him. Told him I'd submit to my sponsor's directions. My sponsor had me answer all the questions in the 12 and 12. Very fruitful for me. Painful too. I got to see how my continued selfishness was actually depriving me of time with my son. Work, school, meetings and sponsorship weren't getting in the way - my affinity for video games and "relief" was.
Inventory 7: Big fight with mom. Resentment only. Wow. Great fifth step.
Inventory 8: Took my mom through Joe and Charlies Resentment and Fear sheets. She was quite resentful about the way she perceived herself being treated after my daughters were born. I made the list, my wife, my mother in law. The greatest thing about it was - I identified so much with the root of my moms issues. Pride, envy, fear. She said she got a lot out of it, I know I did. Especially a deeper love and understanding of my mom. What a gift. And the best news is that eventually - those fears and resentments lost power over her and she got over them.
Inventory 9: TBD. But it will be soon. It's time. I'm taking a fellow or two through the steps so I'll probably do them by the Big Book. After that I'm doing the Catholic Rite of the Sacrament of Penance, examination of conscience. There's a host of questions on that. Going to back to my church soon and need to get into the practice.
You guys are awesome, thanks so much for keeping me inspired to doing this work - even if I don't always do it right - what I've done has always been so rewarding I don't suspect it will stop.
|01-22-2012, 05:07 AM||#5 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
i have done (2) 4th steps (so far) the 1st one my first sponsor said was a half measure (that i needed to include more defects of character) it was my story: my drinking and life history from Way Back.. my failures and my success's and how i always felt not good enough. no matter what. the guy was a good sponsor but, looking back on it now i would not call it a half measure. the 2end one done with sponsor #2 was more focused on my childhood and some deep seeded resentments going WAY Back! both 4th steps helped me Greatly.. i will most likely be doing another someday. (hope someone finds this helpful, just my experience.)
"We Realize We Know Only a Little. God Will Constantly Disclose More To You and to Us" BB 1st Edition p.164
|01-30-2012, 07:34 PM||#6 (permalink)|
12-Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: May 2010
"We learn in the valleys"
Not sure where I heard that but looking at my defects, at the damage I've done, at the ppl I've let down, at the times I've kicked God to the curb, and at the pain I've caused myself as the result of me living my life the way I saw fit without listening to God.........that stuff never feels good.
NOT knowing, not facing it.......that keeps me from addressing it and all that usually means I'll continue to repeat it. I think we all want to be "better people" - this step shows me a lot of places I need some improvement.
FWIW, I add a 6th column that I fill in as best I can when I'm done with inventory and finish filling out with my sponsor or whomever I'm 5th stepping with. In that column, I try to identify the "exact nature." It's not really discussed in 4 and only mentioned in the 5th step (but not discussed in the book) but I've found it to be, along with the fear inventor and my 4th column, to be one of the most important parts of my inventories.
"We can't solve our problems using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." - Albert Einstein
/-all BB quotes-1st. Edition-\
|02-03-2012, 05:39 AM||#7 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2008
4th step for me is ongoing. It is an incredibly simple and powerful tool, as long as I don't complicate it too much...
Like a diabetic and his blood sugar monitor, the principles of the 4th step let me know where I am at. The 4th step tells me what I need to know. What are my motives? Why do I feel the way I do?
|02-03-2012, 06:06 AM||#8 (permalink)|
Join Date: Dec 2008
"We must be rid of this selfishness. We must or it will kill us .God makes that possible"
Couldn't be clearer could it, if that was a recipe book, im convinced i would follow it to the letter......and yet my mind tries to wriggle and squirm...MUST PROTECT EGO AT ALL COSTS..lol.
I have you right mark....continue continue continue......i keep weeding this sh@t out....cos the selfish mind continues to try to trick me,
When i first read part of the prayer..."relieve me of the bondage of self"...i kinda thought i wake up a saint..lol.......struck down by new level of honesty.
What did happen, was the fog is blown away a little......now its clear to see my absorption with .."ME".....that doesn't mean i immediately become selfless....rather, i get to cringe at some of my behaviour and a chance to change .
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|02-03-2012, 06:21 PM||#9 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Yep, Mike, the folks in AA get mighty quiet about now. Even for those of us who have taken the steps. Start talking about 4 though 9 ... it's a great way to empty a room.
I prayed. I wrote. I cried. I prayed. I wrote. I cried some more. I kept on with that process until my inventory was complete. I did not particularly like or enjoy it. It was painful and uncomfortable. But I was committed to going through with the process.
I was honest and thorough. I didn't hold anything back-- even things I had planned to take to my grave and never tell another living soul. It took me about a month complete the process from writing my 4th step up to the time I gave it away as a 5th step.
One thing that helped me tremendously is that I did it in sections and had my sponsor look it over after each section to make sure I was doing it correctly. Doing it that way removed any excuse or objection to shy away from doing a 5th step. (Smart sponsor.)
It may have been in pieces and parts, but my entire 4th step had been shared in writing before I sat down to do the 5th step. The 5th step was just a matter of putting all the columns of the inventory together and speaking them aloud.
There is a line that says: "We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him." (p. 71 of AA BB). When I finished writing my inventory, I had no doubt that that statement was my truth.
I have both loved and hated the steps. I have loved the results -- the freedom, the release and relief from the obsession and from the desire to drink, the new person that emerged from the process. I have hated the self-searching and the leveling of my pride.
The thing is that once I got to the other side, there was nothing left to go back to. I did not and do not want to go back. Whatever price I must pay, I will pay. I started off taking the steps; somewhere in that process, the steps took me. Susan
|02-05-2012, 09:22 AM||#10 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2009
sorry i havnt been posting on the threads folks...been real busy.
fourth step...5 colums (resnetments and fears both the same layout)
1/ who or what do i resent
3/affects my (which instinct...social,security,sex) here my sponsor gave me a diagram with the 3 instincts and what they include (in my experience an inventory without being shown about these basic instincts which make up self is like p***** in the wind)
4/what did i do?
5/ where had i been selfish,dishonest,self-seeking and frightened,inconsiderate.
like i said....resentments and fears where both laid out just like that.
sex inventory a little different but again 5 columns and "harms other than sexual" the same as sex inventory.
1/who did i hurt
2/what did i do
3/which basic instincts of self where affected
4/where did i unjustifiably arouse jealousy,suspicion or bitterness
5/ where was i selfish,dishonest,self-seeking and fearful,inconsiderate.
my sponsor sat down with me and we went through resentments...took a few hours...we just fired them off...they were all there just waiting to burst out.
she left and i looked at the inventory and thought "oooh i will have another crack at that tommorow....was pretty shattered...and a bit shook up...uh oh...things were starting to become clear...ish...
made myself a coffee and 10 mins later picked up the pen...sat and wrote all afternoon till it was done...maybe took me 6 hours all together.
Rarely have we seen a person fail,that has thoroughly followed our path.......
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