4th step self resentment?

[Zube]

Just started the 4th step, list of people I'm resentful towards.

Question: Do I include myself on the list if I have things in my life that I have been resentful/angry/upset towards myself for doing?

I'm going to ask my sponsor the same question, just looking for some helpful feedback.

thanks,
Zube

[GettingStronger2]

For me, the answer to that question was a big yes. I had quite a list against myself. Perhaps took the majority of my 5th step to work through those.

Definitely ask your sponsor, but I would go ahead and write them down.

[Eddiebuckle]

Zube,

Good question. I would say yes. My sponsor is fond of saying that the origin of/meaning of resentment is "re" - "sentiment" as in "feeling again" (usually again and again and again). When we are stuck in a cycle of obsessing about how we perceive someone elses actions/thoughts/words and unable to move forward, we are said to resent them.

If you find yourself "stuck" by how you perceive your own previous actions, unable to move forward and repsond to life in a new, more healthy way - I'd say you resent yourself. And dealing with that resentment in a way that allows you to respond in a new way is critical to breaking that cycle.

[krug]

I thought of putting myself down on list during an AA meeting. Wrote it down in my book, went home and promtly put ME on list of resentments, possibly my biggest one.

[Kjell]

Hiya Zube-

That, for me, was a "light bulb" moment. I didn't even know what a resentment was and then I didn't think I had any resentments.

Turns out I had a bunch of them and the biggest one(s) was against myself.

I vote yes.

PS - once I got sober and I was left with me, I turned into a resentment machine. I mean I could make them up against people in commercials I'm much better now, b/c of working the rest of the steps and getting better at connecting with my HP, but it was crazy there for a while.

Kjell~

[Zube]

Kjell-

I know what you mean. When I first started thinking about resentments, I was like "I'm not really resentful at anybody..."...then I started writing. Good CHRIST! It was like cooking popcorn...nothing at first, then "POP"...a resentment...then nothing...then "POP"...another resentment..."POP-POP"...there's two more...then..."POP-POP-POP-POP-POP-POP-POP-POP-POP-POP-POP".......

I can't keep up!!!

a LOT of them point back to me, too.

Zube

[krug]

Fears started strong as well, but I'm glad I stopped at about 40 fears as opposed to 300 resentments. I could have gone on, but....do I really have to list every jerk that cut me off in traffic????. I just listed, Traffic jerks, flip off jerks, slow driver jerks, Escalade jerks, etc. I don't have time to do a census.

[Kjell]

Originally Posted by Zube

Kjell-

I know what you mean. When I first started thinking about resentments, I was like "I'm not really resentful at anybody..."...then I started writing. Good CHRIST! It was like cooking popcorn...nothing at first, then "POP"...a resentment...then nothing...then "POP"...another resentment..."POP-POP"...there's two more...then..."POP-POP-POP-POP-POP-POP-POP-POP-POP-POP-POP".......

I can't keep up!!!

a LOT of them point back to me, too.

Zube

My sponsor always tells me that we don't develop new "character defects" once we get into recovery either b/c I'm always saying "was I always like this and just didn't notice it"?

Who the F was I before? (yikes!)

I also noticed that once I got to step 5 and I actually told someone else...well, most of it just seemed really silly and petty. I felt pretty small...

Progress is great Zube! Keep it up.

Side by side we go

Kjell~

[CaiHong]

I just pressed the wrong button and reversed the threads, old posts first. This is exactly what I am looking for. I need to read about people's experience doing the 4th step.
I have been avoiding, procrastinating and so on. I have even started developing physical symptons as I get closer to actually doing them. I have a huge headache this morning. I am experiencing waves ofhot pin pricks around my lower back whenever I feel anxious. I can bring it on by thinking about by thinking anxiety filled thoughts and stop them by thinking calm thoughts. At first I thoughts this is cool now I don't like it as I am getting more anxious thought coming without my permission,

I have been reading and responding on the newcomers forum. I feel now I am using it as a distraction. I need to start work on myself.
So I am downloading and printing out the manifesto on the fourth step, listening over and over to the recovery broadcast on the 4th step.

I am stalled at step 4, I do believe that if I follow the steps I will remain sober. I want a good/enjoyable sobriety.
I used to be a people pleaser but I have gone 180 and don't care about other people much and don't want to be around them. In my job that is impossible.
On the way home from work last night, I started listening to Step 4, some material I had downloaded from Recoverybroadcast. It mentioned this same thing about people in recovery isolating themselves for either feeling worthless or superior, other people not having much to offer. This is exactly how I have been feeling.

Next time I post I hope I have at last done it. I can then call my sponsor and go over my inventory.

Thanks to the people who PM me to help to copy some of the info on the posts for some reason it still does not work but no problem.

Thanking you
CaiHong

.

[EricL]

For me, no absolutely not, I don't belong on my fourth or ninth step lists. My self centeredness does just fine without making myself the topic of an inventory or amends. These resentments I deal with are about how I react aberrantly to the actions of others, and seeing how I need god to correct this.

[MemphisBlues]

Yeah, my sponsor said I have no place on my fourth step. I'm full of myself as it is.

The fourth step is all about resentments of others. I think there's a place later down the road where we can forgive ourselves.

I'm not sure. I ain't there yet. Stay tuned.

[OceanSize]

does anyone have a link for "recovery broadcast" ??

I'd love to hear some stuff about step 4, as i'm on it now and finding it to be just as difficult as everyone says.

I am almost done with writing resentments, causes, conditions and my sponsor and i are meeting today for a few minutes to do 'a quick step 4 exercise'

definitely putting myself on step 4 - i've hated myself for so long. 32 years of self hate. I want to get it out of me. my life depends on it.

anyway, where is recoverybroadcast? i'm superduper interested!

[EricL]

Originally Posted by OceanSize

I'd love to hear some stuff about step 4, as i'm on it now and finding it to be just as difficult as everyone says.

I never quite understand this. Either I am willing to go to any lengths over alcohol or not. Either I have been placed in a position beyond human aid or I have not. This process is not about "my comfort". It is about identifying things to have god remove from me so I can let the solution in. So I can finally be of use to other people instead of taking. If I struggle with any of these steps, it generally has come back to one of two questions: "Has alcohol placed me in a position where I am beyond human aid?" and "God is either everything or he is nothing, what was my choice to be?" If my step 2 and 3 decisions are sound then making this list simply flows. It is a demonstration of my willingness and commitment made earlier.


[/QUOTE] definitely putting myself on step 4 - i've hated myself for so long. 32 years of self hate. I want to get it out of me. my life depends on it.[/QUOTE]

Yet another thing I don't understand. If my problem at its core is selfishness... then how does feeding my ego help this at all?

My experience has been that a lot of this stuff is simply removed as I go through the process. As I move forward and made my amends, as god removed my defects, I became a useful member of society. In this transformation a lot of the negativity simply disappeared.

[OceanSize]

Originally Posted by EricL

I never quite understand this. Either I am willing to go to any lengths over alcohol or not. Either I have been placed in a position beyond human aid or I have not. This process is not about "my comfort". It is about identifying things to have god remove from me so I can let the solution in. So I can finally be of use to other people instead of taking. If I struggle with any of these steps, it generally has come back to one of two questions: "Has alcohol placed me in a position where I am beyond human aid?" and "God is either everything or he is nothing, what was my choice to be?" If my step 2 and 3 decisions are sound then making this list simply flows. It is a demonstration of my willingness and commitment made earlier.

you don't know how willing i am, and that's not my problem. maybe this will help you understand, b/c i am well aware this is a matter of life/death. You aren't in meetings with me. You aren't my sponsor.

That said, perhaps in all your spiritual teachings you can recall what it was like to do this for the first time.

reliving abuse isn't very comfortable. i'm knee deep in this step and in the process listing all of my resentments brings back memories. I would have to be through all twelve steps to best know how to handle this discomfort, right?

The fact that you judge others recovery, and that you go so far as to judge the feelings expressed here about discomfort as "unwilling" tells me you are just as sick as me.

Sure the list of people, places, things, institutions i resent is easy. Listing causes is not comfortable and my sponsor assures me that this is part of the process. She has said numerous times that If i'm not feeling some discomfort around this, my first step 4 ever, then perhaps I am not willing.

No offense, really, but listening to my sponsor has kept me sober for 96 days.

You don't need to understand any of it at all.

All i ask is that you keep your judgements of my willingness to yourself, especially because I have not yet learned how to deal with resentments.

That said, you are now on my fourth step.

[Tommyh]

ocean size,thanks for the honesty
I do not have any links unless you go to xaspeakers or Asheville Big Book Step Study - Speaker "Tapes"and do a quick search

I agree with Eric in principle however,my big book don`t say I can put my name or not to put my name on the list.The main thing is list those I am angry with,if I am mad at myself,I better put me on it and see how it works out.It may work out,it may not,the only way is do it and see for yourself what happens.It really boils down to you and your HP.
I doubt it will get either of us drunk,you know?
do what you have to do,you`ll come thru it fine I think

[EricL]

Originally Posted by OceanSize

All i ask is that you keep your judgements of my willingness to yourself, especially because I have not yet learned how to deal with resentments.

Sorry you took my experience with this step to be a judgement of some sort. I've done a number of fourth steps and anytime I felt to be "struggling" with or "dragging my feet on" this or any other step, then often it came back to those questions for me. If I am willing to go to any lengths, then the next thing to look at is my faith that some god will restore sanity in my life, wil me through this process and keep me safe, and that this god will do the things promised to me and demonstrated to me by other recovered drunks. This, more often than not, is where I had faltered, relinquishing any ideas of me fixing this on my own, or that I could leave things off the list, or that I would be judged for what I had done, or fear of reliving whatever tragedy had happened.

This step brings up a lot of crap for me, things from my past, things I had done in the past, etc. I'm grateful for the people in my life that cared enough to ignore my discomfort or fear around this and urged me to plow ahead. I love that saying about if I'm not uncomfortable then maybe I am not writing. This has proven true many times.

See, this is the thing, "I" do not deal at all with resentments. They are not for me to figure out, think through, get to the root of, or fix. They are simply bricks in a wall that has been built up over time, a wall which keeps me separated from god and you all. My responsibility in regards to resentments is turning them over to god, and moving forward in step work, and seeking a relationship with that god. By doing so, I have seen my own resentments, and fears, and defects be removed from me.

Good luck with your step work, I hope you continue to share about it so newcomers can see how amazing this process is. So they can "see" the transformation occur.

[dbearw]

I think putting yourself on the resentment list is a great idea, as well as forgiving yourself. A resentment is a resentment, and the idea is to move on from the resentments. Do unto yourself as you would do unto others. Yep- I changed the quote- not to be blasphemous, but it works both ways I think.

[keithj]

I've never added my own name to either a resentment inventory or an amends list. Although, like bballdad, I can't really see any harm in it. On the other hand, my problem is being all about ME. Anything that puts more of the attention on ME, keeps me farther from getting away from ME.

Really, in the 2nd and 3rd columns, I already get to list what they did to ME, and how it affected ME. The heart of that resentment inventory is putting out of my mind the wrongdoing of others (putting out of my mind how they affected ME), and asking where I had been selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and afraid. Where am I to blame? What are my faults? What could I have done better?

My resentment, fear, and sex inventories give me a very frank and honest look at ME without God. And it ain't pretty. Steps 4-5 lead me to Steps 6-7, because the picture of ME without God, running my own show, looks fairly objectionable.

[OceanSize]

Just moved on from listing the "nouns" I resent with causes and Affects My column and did add myself because I do resent myself for screwing up so many times.

My sponsor came over and gave me a new assignment which im looking forward to starting. Every morning for a week I will recite the 4th step prayer about each "noun" which I guess, in terms of adding myself to the list I guess this means I will recite the fourth step prayer about myself too, and my sponsor didn't disagree.

I do everything she suggests and follow her lead because I have to. So much relief from finally getting those columns done!!! Writing the one on myself really showed me the need for self forgiveness & self care (that said, I am so depressed I haven't showered in days)

:/

[EricL]

Originally Posted by OceanSize

Just moved on from listing the "nouns" I resent with causes and Affects My column and did add myself because I do resent myself for screwing up so many times.

My sponsor came over and gave me a new assignment which im looking forward to starting. Every morning for a week I will recite the 4th step prayer about each "noun" which I guess, in terms of adding myself to the list I guess this means I will recite the fourth step prayer about myself too, and my sponsor didn't disagree.

I do everything she suggests and follow her lead because I have to. So much relief from finally getting those columns done!!! Writing the one on myself really showed me the need for self forgiveness & self care (that said, I am so depressed I haven't showered in days)

:/

Glad you made progress! Get it done move on with the steps. The experience of recovered drunks guarantees you you will be relieved of a lot of this. And... if not... nothing wrong with seeking outside help, in fact I've found it useful myself.