4th Step quandry. Molestated as a child...

[PaleMale]

Going though the 4th step work, this has come up. I have been somewhat stuck on the 4th step in a few ways, but this in particular has me asking questions.

As a young child I was molested by a much older child. This fact I think has affected my struggles with the RIDs (restless, irritable and discontent) and while the event had nothing whatsoever to do with my selfishness, guilt and shame at the time, it has contributed to unhappiness (RID) as an adult.

I can trace later emotionally abusive relationships back to the complex emotions brought on by those childhood events, which have since contributed to drinking problems and "character defects."

I have also just realized, the steps don't really take into account such abuses, taunting/bullying or crimes done to us, generally.

It seems things like this are 'anti-humiliation'. Does this belong in the 4th step? If not then where else in the program?

Thanks

[tsmba]

It obviously concerns you since you are asking. Why not put it down, discuss it when you do Step 5, then let it go? Do the best you can, now, and go forward.

[DayTrader]

Ah, ya see Pale, I think they DO take that very stuff into account.

and bear in mind, a resentment is a feeling that we continue to re-feel nothing more, nothing less

P65 & 66 for example: (my paraphrase and my underlines)
(after writing the first 3 columns of the 4th step) When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. (ie. the person who molested you). To conclude that others were wrong was as far as mot of us ever got. The usual outcome was that we stayed sore. ..... It's plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. (ie: it has contributed to unhappiness (RID) as an adult.) To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. .... If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. ...We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and it's people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? ...these resentments must be mastered but how?

....from there, I'll leave it to you to read from "This was our course....." and on. The tough part is being willing TO look at those things from a different angle. If we're willing to try but can't seem to find a way to do that, we're instructed to ask God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grand a sick friend. A little further on we're told that if we're still having "issues" we as God to show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of them.

Certainly, the toughest part is "putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes." As a little child you may not HAVE made any mistakes to put yourself into that predicament. As an adult though, we're all guilty of re-playing those old events from out past.....over and over.....and getting "sicker" as a result. Emmet Fox would call that "granting safe harbor to destructive thoughts," the BB would call is living in a resentment......same deal.

If you're like me, especially when I think I've got my hands on a justified resentment, I don't let go easily...... it consumes me and my thinking......and before long, my actions display my internal sickness...... I get more and more upset and depressed. Part of the insanity spoken about in step 2 is my old belief that it was OK to not take action...to think I didn't have to do my part to stop that destructive thinking. I always held my breath or just tried to wait for it to go away on it's own. Sometimes it would.....but a lot of times it stuck around. And there I was.....living in it......wallowing in it......beating my own self up with my constant thoughts about some event in the past that I had no power to change anymore. To add insult to injury, once I realized what I was doing, I'd get down on myself for being down.....then I'd get down on myself for getting down on myself for being down....then I'd...heh, you get the picture. It's a nasty snowball rolling downhill, gathering speed and mass as it goes.

......so yeah.....absolutely goes in a 4th step. Remember, the drinking is just a symptom of much deeper emotional, mental and spiritual damage. The more I write and the less I think about what I don't "need" to write about, the more productive my 4th steps have been.

[cabledude]

It's part of your story, you consider it important, so you write it down without making a novelette of the occurance. Just the facts and omit any justification or rationalization.

Sounds like it's been in the past a handy excuse for your adult difficulties. I had a lot of the same stuff without being molested by another child.

[nandm]

Originally Posted by PaleMale

Going though the 4th step work, this has come up. I have been somewhat stuck on the 4th step in a few ways, but this in particular has me asking questions.

As a young child I was molested by a much older child. This fact I think has affected my struggles with the RIDs (restless, irritable and discontent) and while the event had nothing whatsoever to do with my selfishness, guilt and shame at the time, it has contributed to unhappiness (RID) as an adult.

These character defects are what the 4th Step is about. How do we become relieved of these defects of character not necessarily how did they occur in the first place.

I too was molested as a child but by my own father. He is still living and I am sure still molesting children since he molested all 3 of my other sisters. The statute of limitations had long since passed by the time I got sober and was able to confront these issues.

What my 4th Step taught me was that I do not have to forgive and condone what he has done but I do have to let go of the resentments I have that keep me powerless, shameful, and miserable. I had to put an end to his control over me. To do that I had to accept that he is a human being with faults, does that minimize the damage he has done? No of course not but what it does is helps me realize he is a sick person, just like someone with a communicable disease such as AIDS. He has a choice on whether to spread that disease or to respect others enough to stop the spread of the disease. He unfortunately will not stop. I can not control what choices he makes in life only whether I choose to let that disease kill me, keep me in pain and misery.

Today I choose to let the disease go, I can not change how it affects my life today but I can change how I react to it. When those feelings of shame arise I have to remember that I have nothing to feel shameful for, I am standing up and not allowing the disease to control my life, there is no shame in that. I could not control or stop what happened to me when I was a child and someone in authority took advantage of the situation but I can stop and control how I let it affect me today by letting go of the anger and resentments, guilt and shame. I do this by adding the offender to my 4th Step inventory. Regardless of what was done to me I am responsible for how I deal with it. I can continue to live in shame/fear/resentment or work the Steps around the problem and be live free from the bondage that these things bring with them. Because of my 4th Step I am able to realize when those feelings hit that I am allowing him to control me once again, take a minute to realize he is sick, and change my view to that of sympathy for his illness. Who knows what his life would have been like if it was not ruled by his disease. That is not to say I condone what was done as I do not.

Today I do not have contact with him. I have minimal contact with my mother because she made the choice to stay with him in spite of everything being brought to light. The disease has torn my family apart. My brother moved out of the country and has lived a half a world away for over ten years now. My oldest sister and I did not speak for years and only now are developing a relationship. My other older sister and I do not speak the same goes for my youngest sister. I don't even know where she lives or have contact info for her.

What I am saying is list him in your 4th Step inventory. Write out what character defects come to light related to the situation. Then work on changing those defects of character. Basically not changing that which you can not change, i.e. the events, but rather learning to change the way you react to them.

I am by no means perfect and have good and bad days with this as I believe things like this change our core being and have an effect on the rest of our lives but we can choose to make that a negative or positive by how we choose to deal with the pain.

[glitter]

Wow. I am SO glad I stumbled accross this thread.

I was not molested but my daughters were by their father after he took them at a very young age with the help of his family and joined a chruch that I later found out to have cult characteristics (and more recently I found to be considered a cult by those who study religious cults).

Really long story short, I have lived with the resentment, guilt and shame from this for almost 3 decades. While my daughters have recovered from this atrotiousness in their lives, I have not. It's so bad sometimes that I have a hard time even looking at pictures of my daughters that were taken at the ages that they were molested/abused. I tend to see in those pictures hurt and scared little girls behind the beautiful smiles. I get shaky and emotional just typing this. I think even more than growing up with an alcoholic dad and having extreme feelings of abandonment, what happened to my babies is at the root of a lot - if not most - of why I'm so screwed up and needed to change the way I feel with drugs and alcohol. The feelings are unbearable.

It's my turn to get well.

I was wondering how this horrendous event fits into the fourth step which I'm writing now. This thread helps me see the purpose of it in a new light.

[LetsGoJets]

Originally Posted by DayTrader

To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. .... .

This is really a great line to reference when someone is living with a deep seeded resentment for a long time.

I think it is also important, like the Book says, to realize that these people who wronged us are perhaps spiritually sick like us; IE- maybe if the table were turned and whatever was going on with them was going on with us, we may have behaved in the same fashion as them.....This line in the Book really helped me with forgiveness and to move fwd in this process, because I WAS NOT making amends to anyone who did these things to me. UNTIL there was forgiveness there.

Resentments I thought I would never kick are gone as the result of doing the 4th Step as outlined in the Book and also with the help of great sponsorship.

Palemale, so as the book says PUTTING OUT THE WRONGS OTHERS HAVE DONE WE RESOLUTELY LOOKED FOR OUR MISTAKES. I am not minimizing wht happened to you at all, but if you wanna get free of this, try to look at this from a different angle.

God Bless You....

[silverroses]

did you ever think... maybe the older child who molested you was infact molested them self! how else would they know what to do? i was molested and raped, and i almost molested someone myself! if you work the steps thoroughly and honestly you will find freedom.
plz no hate mail back. read what i said! almost!

[EricL]

I'm a firm believer in seeking outside help for some things. My experience has been that when I turn to god for a solution, sometimes the solution he provides me is an excellent therapist, doctor, accountant, etc. who knows how to handle a situation which is clearly baffling me.

I whole heartedly believe that god is/provides the solutions to all my problems, but sometimes I need to do the footwork. In my case seeking out professional help for some mental health issues was that footwork, and the therapist/doctor god placed in my life proved to be a vital solution to a problem.

[BackToSquareOne]

A lot of great insight in this thread, Daytrader + Nandm you both touched on a very important topic, that is how to deal with resentments when you were the victim of horrible injustices. Thanks again for sharing the wisdom.

[DayTrader]

Originally Posted by EricL

I'm a firm believer in seeking outside help for some things. My experience has been that when I turn to god for a solution, sometimes the solution he provides me is an excellent therapist, doctor, accountant, etc. who knows how to handle a situation which is clearly baffling me.

I whole heartedly believe that god is/provides the solutions to all my problems, but sometimes I need to do the footwork. In my case seeking out professional help for some mental health issues was that footwork, and the therapist/doctor god placed in my life proved to be a vital solution to a problem.

I completely COMMMMMPLEEEETELY agree. I was, for all intents and purposes, completely incapable of being honest, searching and objective in my first inventory. I had developed such an elaborate defense shield of delusion and denial that I simply wasn't able to see or even recognize my truth and add to it I was so defiant and so defensive that I basically would NOT take suggestions from practically anyone in AA because I was just DONE trusting other ppl's opinions of what would work for me. I TRULY needed someone who was skilled in this area, someone who was trained and had experience in helping someone like me get past a lot of stuff that was blocking me from reality. Seeing a pro made ALL the difference in the world to me getting and staying sober.... (but bear in mind, it took me 4 therapists to find that "one" person that was a good fit. unfortunately, a lot of those folks go to work to book appointments.....and if someone gets helped along the way, that's cool. Finding someone skilled AND who put their client's recovery ahead of growing their practice was the key for me though).

[camedown]

I too am an abuse survivor, and I wrote mine down on my fourth as a resentment, because I did resent the events and the people involved. In looking at the situation via the fourth step, I was able to see all angles, and was able to realize that I was just part of a chain of events I had no control over, and under my part in the event, I wrote innocent victim(I was eight when it started). By doing this, and thoroughly discecting the rest of the events that ensued I was able to see how my whole pattern of addiction stemmed from my initial desire to hide, to drown, to escape. Even before I took my first drink, I was acting alcoholically. Though the disease took a firm hold of me, and there were many events which I did have a large part in, mostly on the selfish side, the pattern of it was there from the beginning. I did tell my sponsor everything on my fifth, including a half hour of stuff I had never told anyone. I never felt so free and open in my life as I did when I finished that step. My advice, be honest, dig deep, and don't delay too much. You always can do another fourth, or amend it. I have added stuff on to mine as it comes about(lots of repression), and know I will add more. Good luck, I hope the experience is as beneficial to you as it was to me.

[sugarbear1]

Being a victim in our youth and holding onto it wasn't good. Today, I don't have to be a victim anymore. Today, I am free.

I hope you got this far.....

[shaun00]

Traumatic events in our childhood....certainly do form objectionable behaviours in our adulthood ...sometimes becoming glaringly obvious, certainly in emotion relationships ....partners etc ...
You are not alone ...I'm happy to talk with you through private message anytime
My past no longer writes my future .

[PaperDolls]

Great thread!

Fortunately, I don't have any molestation or traumatic events in my past. I have worked as a sponsor with many women that do.

Often times as they begin their 4th step I have no idea if they have events like this in their past but it's very common so I usually mention something like, sometimes there are things that we've been through that we had no part in but we still need to look at them and what sort of effect it's having on us today, especially if we've never dealt with it.

I'm also upfront about the fact that I don't have any experience to share on some of those subjects and that if we need to we'll talk to another women in the group that does and/or they may need to consider some outside help.

It's one of those deals that really scared me when I first started sponsoring ..... mostly because I know how common it is and how can I even begin to put myself into their shoes ..... ultimately, it comes down dealing with the character defects and working on them in the future. I've got or had most of those character defects so I can relate to that part at least.

Like nan said, the letting go thing is a huge one. I think people often think that when they do a 4th that means the have to forgive everything wrong ever done to them. On the contrary I think, you need to let it go, move forward. It never means you weren't actually harmed but if you don't let it go some how, you'll never move forward.

Some of those wrongs committed against us are much harder to let go and work through than others.

[SushiJoe]

I had the same difficulty. What has helped me is to go over the bottom of page 66 and top of page 67 of the big book. Sometimes this part is vastly overlooked. The people who haved harmed you in this manner were spiritually sick. It was not your defect, unless maybe it created self pity. Try to pray for these people as they are spiritually sick. It helped me a lot

[Notabobblehead]

My decades old resentment was helped by the story in the back of the BB: Freedom From Bondage (perfect title). For me it helped to understand why I wouldn't let go of the resentment. My part in the resentment itself was not that I had anything to do with causing the situation. I did not. It was just as the author of that story talks about: I needed the resentment as an excuse for my behavior.

Funny thing is until my 4th step I had no idea I was doing this. After much step work I am free of this resentment. I never imagined that freedom would replace the hatred I once felt.