Fear Inventory vs. 3rd Step

[Mark75]

LawMamas thread is a good one and I don't want to derail it... Keithj brought up the fear (and sex) inventory...

My experience with the fear inventory is limited, but sometimes I wonder... Let me (try to) explain.

I have lots of fear... huge change in my career this year. I worry frequently about the loss of independence... what if they want me to.... fill in the blank... This affects pride, independence, whatever. Also, I'm getting older, my kids are growing up and out... stuff like that

When I start going down these fears, I just turn it over and let God run it... Third step...

ESH for those willing to share please....

[keithj]

I just follow the directions, Mark. I review my fears thoroughly, I put them on paper, I ask myself why I have them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us?

One tool I use for a fear inventory is to 'boil down' the root cause of that fear. Say I have a fear of losing my job. Why am I afraid of that? Well, it's because I'll be unable to support myself and my family. I'll lose things I think are important. Now I've got two paths to look at. Unable to support means that others will suffer. Losing things means I'll suffer. Now maybe a third path.

I'll look bad. Why am I scared of looking bad? I'll be unattractive. Why am I scared of being unattractive? I'll be alone.

So, along one path, I've taken a fear of job security right down to the root fear of being alone. Why am I scared of being alone?

When I follow all of my fears down whatever path they take, they boil down to a small handful of root fears for which I don't have a good reason for why I'm afraid.

Then I usually look at the 2nd Step proposition and ask if God is either everything or nothing. I also use the fear prayer given in Step 4.

Just kicking off the conversation. Let's talk about sex instead.

[LawMama]

I think my sponsor wants me to do the resentment inventory, the fear inventory, and the sex inventory?

[Mark75]

I like that keith, thanx... I will use that approach... boiling it down...

Yes LawMama... a sex inventory, and you must tell all of us here EVERYTHING... just kidding...

[Tommyh]

Mark,I found a fear in every resentment on my resentment list [ see big book example ].I took those fears and put them on my fear list.I prayed and searched for other fears and put them on my list.
Like Keith,I asked myself why I had those fears.Because I was relying on self.I asked myself how I used self to combat or deal with those fears.[what did I do because of them]
Like Keith,I could "distill" my fears down and see the evil and corroding thread thru my life.It started in my head with fear and turned into actions by my behavior,and hurting myself and others.It became such a working part of me that it was like a normal thing to me.


I asked myself if I had trusted and relied in God how might it all have been different and wrote it down.This gave me a vision of how different my life could have been and how it can be today if I just trust and rely in God.
I then saw what my self reliance and fear did to me and others and what relieing in God can do today.That fear is deep ingrained and the root cause of my resentments and sex conduct also.

my fear prayer is
God please remove this fear and direct my attention to what YOU want it to be.
Thank You!


good topic

[ClosetExtrovert]

Bball, thank you. Wow.

[DayTrader]

Originally Posted by keithj

Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us?

boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh BOY......... has it EVER!!!

Sometimes I look back at my actions, half in shock and half in awe.
-- In shock: that I tried to play God... got an explosion in my face / got hurt...then picked right back up tried it again, and again, and AGAIN.
-- In awe: at my resilience, ability to take the pain and my complete inability (sometimes) to be able to see what I'm doing while I'm doing it.

love that phrase on p62: DRIVEN by a 100 forms of fear.....

I thought I was making "choices" in my life. Turns out I was driven.

This is fun - look up driven then look up choose in the dictionary: here's the LINK.
I wasn't "choosing" much......I was (and still am a lot of the time) DRIVEN. Thank GOD I don't have to figure out how to stop all this nonsense.

[DayTrader]

Originally Posted by keithj

When I follow all of my fears down whatever path they take, they boil down to a small handful of root fears

For sure! I've not found a fear yet that hasn't boiled down to "I won't be happy." -- which takes me right back up to self-reliance and playing God. The only retort I've found is to have not only faith in God, I need to TRUST Him as well. I need to be willing to get into the wheelbarrow - as Bob D says. And since I really don't fully trust God with much....the only way I can develop that trust is to try it from time to time - dip my toes into the water so to speak. No more contempt prior to investigation. I need to start trying and acting as if.

The coolest thing.. He hasn't let me down yet. Not even once that I can think of. Now don't get me wrong, God doesn't jump when I tell Him to jump.....I usually have to wait (longer than I want to) and, in the meantime, be content with things as they are (which I don't like to do) and I still have to do my best to be my best.....but He's always come through.

[keithj]

Originally Posted by bballdad

That fear is deep ingrained and the root cause of my resentments and sex conduct also.

Originally Posted by DayTrader

not only faith in God, I need to TRUST Him as well. I need to be willing to get into the wheelbarrow

Real nice stuff, guys. I'm blessed to be in your company.

This is the two-fold aspect. I'm driven by fear (problem) in all my personal relationships and interactions. I can't help but get resentful and treat others like crap when I'm so scared of what might happen if I don't get my way. And trust, developed through action, is the only cure (solution).

I absolutely have to let go of those expectations and give up trying to force them. The small action of reliance on a higher power is the only way I can let go (works right back to Step 3 and on down to powerless).

[Tommyh]

Mark,let me give a example of following the evil and corroding thread of fear in my life.
ok,I have a daughter.She came to us when she was 19 and she had a pretty good guy as a boyfriend.She told us she wanted to move to a city 100 miles away with her boyfriend and go to college.
scared the crap out of me,and I got angry.
I talked with my wife and tried to get her on my side.No luck
I talked with my mother in law and tried to enlist her help,no luck
I slowly started getting angry about it all and saying things to my wife about my daughters b/f that was not good.I tryed to talk my daughter out of it several times only to fail.
finally one night in a mood of anger and fear,I told my wife I was gonna bust that boy upside the head with a baseball bat.I blamed it on him.

by now,my daughter,wife and the future son in law was keeping at a distance from me.
relations was starting to sour
finally one day I discussed this with a old timer who told me to do step 11 on it with those 2 in mind
I did ,soon I started to ease up
I wrote a inventory and here is what I found,but I could not see it during the delimina

I was scared something would happen to my daughter,because I was not there to protect her.I tried to manipulate others to get them to do what I wanted them to do
I finally used threats to try and get my way
I saw where my way and my wants and my lack of faith was damaging these relationships.
One day I sat down with my daughter and drew all this out on paper and she understood
she could see where her dad loved her and how he got scared etc
I put those 2 in God`s hands,helped them move and they later got married
they just celebrated one year of marriage and are very happy
we get along great today
it all started in my head and involved 5 people before it was over...
so,I guess the big book is correct when they say,we are like a tornado roaring thru others lives,and I would add,drunk and sometimes sober if I do not practice these steps daily

[DayTrader]

Great post BBall!!

Originally Posted by keithj

I can't help but get resentful and treat others like crap when I'm so scared of what might happen if I don't get my way. And trust, developed through action, is the only cure (solution).

I hope what Keith said there makes sense to everybody else. My fear, my selfishness, and my self-centeredness...... I'm pretty much powerless in that area of my life. I'm powerless over the first fear and I get a mental allergy that craves more once they start.

...... maybe I was just the dummy.....but I thought for SURE that recovery, being God centered and so forth meant that selfishness and self-centereness would be smashed....that they'd disappear....that I wouldn't be plagued by them anymore if I inventoried, 5th - 12th them. What happened though was that they continue to pop up and every time they did, I was convinced I was "doing AA wrong" (as someone started a thread about). This then turned into fears that I'd get drunk.....which meant I wasn't working the program........which led to shame and guilt......and I knew that was bad so I hated myself for hating myself......etc etc etc.

My reality is that my selfishness and my self-centeredness are two of my defects that just have not been removed. Their strength lessens when I'm in fit spiritual condition but only then....and they're only lessened. They are rarely "completely gone."

I believe that's why we CONTINUE to take personal inventory.....and I think it's why repeating formal 4th step inventories is absolutely VITAL to a happy life in sobriety. I need to take a formal look at my current delusion....and unless I've got a lot of really observant ppl who have the ability to call me on EVERYTHING I think and do, the only way I know to identify that crap is to sit and write it out with a lot of HP help.

I can't think my way into right thinking but sometimes I can act or write myself into it.

--and I'll add... I've found more gold in my fear inventories than I have in my resentment inventories as almost all of my resentments are rooted in fear.....and most all of my fears are rooted in not trusting God / self-reliance failing.

[yeahgr8]

For me fear comes from being fearful that i may lose something i already have or being fearful of not getting something i think i might want...

If i turn my life and will over to a power greater than me then i am not running the show so i can accept that i am not directing the show anymore and therefore i am not controlling what i keep and what i get...as Keith said all i need then is trust and faith in my decision to turn my life and will over...

Thats pretty simple to write not so easy to put into effect but as long as i am willing then it works...pain after me trying to take back control for a period is a great incentive to surrender again...

If i take the above as read then the only thing i am in control of is the way i react to life...in that respecct i do have a choice...obviously having been in an emotional time warp for the last 20 years sometimes means that my reactions to a given situation can improve but again pain is a great incentive to remember and try and get it right the next time...

Thats about it for me:-)

[Mark75]

Mostly I am speechless, thank you so much... bball, awesome share and example... yours and everyone's posts has made a difference for this drunk.



Fear is causing a paralysis of sorts for me in my career... I have fallen behind in some pesky and tedious paperwork... and rather than just do it, I get comfortable (?) in my fear, if that makes any sense... I get so afraid of it I avoid it rather than take action.

I'm going to start a formal big book style inventory on this fear today... thanx again. It's pretty cool, these common sense simple (not easy) tools that have come to us through AA.

Mark

[Mark75]

Oh...

"Scared of what will happen if I don't get my way" well, yeah... talk about being "driven" by fear... oh yeah... DayTrader (and keith) I get it, big time...

Pretty cool to be able to have this discussion.

[shaun00]

Great share bb.......... strangely similar situation with strangely similar reactions from this drunk.

Flying the flag of wanting the best for her when crippled by my own fears...
Becoming manipulative and threatening got the same results you achieved.
i had plans........and she dared to want something different....in another town in another county.

there you go.....My plans.......my fears of losing her......my fears of something happening other than what id planned.....fear of lose of control.
fear of not being around to move the rocks she is "bound" to trip over...blah blah.......but it was never about her....it was always about me and my emotional security.

if i feel fear ...2 things happen straight away......i get angry..then i start to control..
the vicious cycle....i feel pain/fear so i created more.

i find the answer clear on page 68......."we ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow our fear"

again, great share bb..

[keithj]

Originally Posted by yeahgr8

Thats pretty simple to write not so easy to put into effect...

Oh, I soooo agree. I think it's (at least for me) impossible to put into effect. That's why I need God directing my thinking. I am not going to outgrow fear just by wanting to not be afraid. I have to have this power flowing in my life.

Originally Posted by shaun00

"we ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be.

Yes, that's where it's at for me. Asking to have my fear removed is nice and all, but it can't be accomplished until I'm acting as he would have me be. And I only get that when I'm seeking his will, and willing to act on his will. Seek that plane of inspiration and be willing to go with it, wherever it leads.

Freedom from the bondage of self.

[Kjell]

I have nothing to add except I had no idea how fearful I was of darn near EVERYthing until I got to step 4 and even step 8 and 9.

Great thread! My "AA toolbox" may have just increased in weight

[DayTrader]

Originally Posted by Mark75

and rather than just do it, I get comfortable (?) in my fear, if that makes any sense... I get so afraid of it I avoid it rather than take action.

Nice catch there Mark. Don't forget......you spent a lot more time in active / untreated alcoholism than you have in recovery. You're natural instinct is to go back to what "feels" comfortable - even when it's pain that feels comfortable. And don't forget, to live the lives most of us have led.......to continually disappoint ppl we didn't want to disappoint.....to live with ourselves when we hated everything about ourselves..... we're Phd level masters at handling pain. (of course, none of those "old" ways are all that healthy but they can and do work in a pinch - or when we're afraid to apply the knowledge and information provided by the steps to the new problem/situation)

When it comes to dealing with emotional pain, I don't know that there are any more adept than alcoholics and drug addicts at handling it. We've got tools that we can't even explain to non-alkies/addicts - like the ability to just "forget" that it hurts, or to be able to delude ourselves, or to compartmentalize soooo well that we literally have NO memory of an event, or the ability to lie to ourselves and BELIEVE it. The list, of course, goes on and on.

And don't feel like you're alone Mark.... I could write VOLUMES about $hit like that - especially the work-related stuff. Some of it has been kicking the ever-living you-kno-what outta me for....oh hell I dunno.....6 years, 7 yrs... and 3 1/2 of them have been IN sobriety, IN the program. Sometimes I feel like it's a curse to have the wisdom to know the difference, to know that "this" or "that" IS one of the things I can change.......but I'm lacking the damn power....again. To make matters worse, sometimes I'm even lacking the humility and faith to ask God for help. Thankfully, after a LOOOOT or writing and a LOOOOT of inventories (not all BB-approved, btw) I'm able to see this stuff sooner...and I'm learning to turn it over sooner....and I'm learning to admit powerlessness sooner.....and I'm ever getting better at asking for help sooner.

[Mark75]

Originally Posted by DayTrader

We've got tools that we can't even explain to non-alkies/addicts - like the ability to just "forget" that it hurts, or to be able to delude ourselves, or to compartmentalize soooo well that we literally have NO memory of an event, or the ability to lie to ourselves and BELIEVE it.

We sure do, have tools we can't even explain... and I guess it is easier to use the tools that I already know how to use, than it is to learn and then use new ones...

I am with kjell and others... good stuff, awesome sharing...I too have learned a lot.

Mark ... ah, what the hell, smilie time :

[yeahgr8]

Originally Posted by keithj

Oh, I soooo agree. I think it's (at least for me) impossible to put into effect. That's why I need God directing my thinking. I am not going to outgrow fear just by wanting to not be afraid. I have to have this power flowing in my life.

Love it! Thought about this as i wrote my post last night and yeah if i dont hand over and am trying to not be afraid and manage my fear myself i am once again taking back control and that doesn't work...