One maddening mysterious defect

[JeremiahS]

This 4th step is about wrapped up, and whatever I thought before, sometimes lazy, not ambitious enough, play to many video games, it turns out the picture I believe my Higher Power helped me paint of what I'm about and what needs to change has little to do with picking my nose and playing video games and everything to do with how I treat and deal with people.

And oddly enough it was wrapping it up this morning I was reminded of one I've struggled against for ages.

A neighbor came by beat on my bedroom door to ask about helping him with some more sheetrock work. The second he beat on the door I snapped. Get a deer in the headlights, out of sorts feeling, followed by outrage and indignation. I feel violated is the only way to put it and it's hard to conceal.

Of course I want to go hang sheetrock, that's not the problem

I react like this anytime I'm wrapped up in something. This 4th, playing a video game, reading a book, anything. An AA friend down the road barges in to bum a smoke, the phone rings and it's for me, mom knocks to ask me something, any interruption to my train of thought, first I'm out of sorts then I snap.

Same thing when I'm working. I actually loose work, doing a roof a customer's neighbor broke my train of thought absorbed in my work and I almost snap at him all he wanted was to compliment me and if I could look at something he wanted built. He finally got my phone number as if he was some bum come up to panhandle
Customers themselves are not immune interrupting me to ask a question or talk.

I can catch myself acting out on defects Im aware of but the reactionary nature of this behavior just comes out and the situations that bring it out are sudden
This very much fits in the theme this 4th is uncovering I just cannot put my finger on -why- I behave like this.

Any thoughts? This needs to go out with the rest of the garbage

[Pagekeeper]

Sounds like restless, irritable, and discontent, along with a dose of self-will run riot.

from pg xxix . . .

Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.

from page 62 . . .

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kill us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.

Underlining is mine.

The whole actor metaphor on pg 60-62 might be worth reviewing.

Hope this helps.

[JeremiahS]

I woulda underlined the though he usually doesn't think so part myself but oh well
Trudging on

That's going to be a tough one for me I guess. Same one track attitude allows me to be a one man roofing crew.

[Pagekeeper]

Just stay focused on your steps and things will get better. This stuff doesn't happen overnight. It's a process, not an event.

I used to be very snappy and agitated all the time. Now I am less so than before. And even now when I am snappy some of the time, it's a more refined version. I'm still very much working on it with the help of a HP.

Just don't talk to me first thing in the morning or wake me up!

[redneck]

Originally Posted by JeremiahS

This 4th step is about wrapped up, and whatever I thought before, sometimes lazy, not ambitious enough, play to many video games, it turns out the picture I believe my Higher Power helped me paint of what I'm about and what needs to change has little to do with picking my nose and playing video games and everything to do with how I treat and deal with people.

And oddly enough it was wrapping it up this morning I was reminded of one I've struggled against for ages.

A neighbor came by beat on my bedroom door to ask about helping him with some more sheetrock work. The second he beat on the door I snapped. Get a deer in the headlights, out of sorts feeling, followed by outrage and indignation. I feel violated is the only way to put it and it's hard to conceal.

Of course I want to go hang sheetrock, that's not the problem

I react like this anytime I'm wrapped up in something. This 4th, playing a video game, reading a book, anything. An AA friend down the road barges in to bum a smoke, the phone rings and it's for me, mom knocks to ask me something, any interruption to my train of thought, first I'm out of sorts then I snap.

Same thing when I'm working. I actually loose work, doing a roof a customer's neighbor broke my train of thought absorbed in my work and I almost snap at him all he wanted was to compliment me and if I could look at something he wanted built. He finally got my phone number as if he was some bum come up to panhandle
Customers themselves are not immune interrupting me to ask a question or talk.

I can catch myself acting out on defects Im aware of but the reactionary nature of this behavior just comes out and the situations that bring it out are sudden
This very much fits in the theme this 4th is uncovering I just cannot put my finger on -why- I behave like this.

Any thoughts? This needs to go out with the rest of the garbage

May I ?

You react with anger at disruption or interruptions?

If you feel resentment put it on the list and follow where it leads.
I could see excess self concern or selfishness being one manifestation.

And if you snap at them it belongs on the harms list.

You behave (or react) like this because you are afraid, anger always has its roots in fear. I don't mean a tangible fear of this or that, I mean fear as a state of being. Thats the whole point of working the steps, to be rid of fear.
Thet steps change our state of being from one of being based in fear to trusting and relying on the Spirit I call God.

[JeremiahS]

Can't say im always free of fear, frustration and anger or like having my comfort infringed upon but things are lots better nowdays, bouts like that are much shorter just a matter of attitude and flawed perspective. what I thought was rude interruptions was life banging on my door trying not to sit waiting for it to come to me nowadays! Up at 4:58 and out to meet the day.

[redneck]

As the big book states, we commence to outgrow fear
and ....these defects do not vanish overnite.

I found the more I was aware of defects and fear, the more painfull it was to practice them because I didn't want to be like that any longer.

So it goes, sometimes quickly sometimes slowly ....

[kdnyc]

Thanks to Jeremiah for this post! I have this exact same issue, and it's always seemed kind of ironic because in general I'm considered a pretty calm person...I've heard it mentioned by others in the rooms, and wondered if it might be a characteristic of the alcoholic mind, the tendency to fixate that leads us into addiction in the first place. But I've also considered that it might have a lot to do with my early environment. I grew up in an alcoholic household, and focusing on one activity to the exclusion of all else was a survival mechanism. I could read a novel behind the sofa while my alcoholic parents flung dishes at each others' heads in the next room. Interruptions in my house were at best unpleasant and at worst dangerous. By focusing my attention exclusively on the task before me, I could create an emotional safe space, and any interruption to this felt like a violation to my safety (and in my childhood home, probably was). Of course, now I'm an adult, and such a negative reaction to interruptions is no longer appropriate.

Regardless of where it comes from, the important thing now is how to work on removing this defect. It sounds like you have already gone a long way towards reinterpreting interruptions as opportunities and gifts, rather than threats. Hopefully, as my trust in God grows, I'll begin to naturally interpret whatever life throws at me in a positive and optimistic light! In the meantime, what I've found to help is my daily meditation practice. I practice meditating to clear my mind of all thoughts. As thoughts and emotions arise, I see them, but try to just recognize them without clinging to them. What I find is that if I am doing this daily, when these abrupt interruptions occur, it gives me a little room to breathe (literally) before I react. It usually takes me three breaths. On the first breath I see my anger at the interruption, and let it go. On the second breath I see the fear that is right behind the anger, and let that go too. On the third breath I keep my mind clear. By then, I see my reaction for what it is - an outdated emotional reaction that has nothing to do with the person causing the interruption. Seeing that makes it easier to react calmly, and maybe even pleasantly.

It also helps to recognize that alongside this "defect" is one of my greatest assets - I have a tremendous capacity to focus my mind and accomplish my goals. Now the trick is to apply this to worthy goals! Like, um, my fourth step inventory, which I should get back to...

Thanks for your post. It helps me to know that whatever issues I'm struggling with, there's someone else out there dealing with the same thing.

[timetolive]

I really really needed to hear this. Life banging on the door not waiting for me to be ready!! Perfect. I have been annoyed by its disruptions for so long.
'I must pause or I will pop out my claws'
I have done the opposite for so long that people just avoid me.
A couple slow deep breaths and a silent prayer~ And to my amazement, it's actually working.
I am still astounded to hear the stories and thought processes of others that are so much like my own. I knew very little about the alcoholic mind up until joining AA several weeks ago and it is so AWESOME to no longer feel alone. I am in the very beginning of step 4- and clearly it will be a challenge.
I am so excited and happy to finally truly believe, with God running the show, I can live without alcohol. 9 days now-the longest I've gone in over 8 years.