In plain English

[newey]

I don't know why not one person can explain how to begin to do step 4 in plain English. Instead, they immediately jump to major concepts like resentment. Hello, I'm just a baby and need baby steps!

I have a paper and pen, now what?

[FightingIrish]

Column 1: who/what irks you?
Column 2: why?
Column 3: what is affected by this? (money, pride, relationships)
Column 4: what is your part? (there is always our part...even if the other person is in the wrong...we let these things eat at us and drag us down long after the offense occurred.)

Example:
1. My father
2. Ran out on us
3. Affects everything: money - mom had to work two jobs, christmas was always spare; pride - i was the only kid on the block with no dad; relationships - fought with my brothers all the time, mom was never around
4. My part = I have used this as a pity-magnet my entire life = an excuse to drink and drug

Originally Posted by newey

I don't know why not one person can explain how to begin to do step 4 in plain English. Instead, they immediately jump to major concepts like resentment. Hello, I'm just a baby and need baby steps!

I have a paper and pen, now what?

[Pinkcuda]

Pg-64 Paragraph 3 says, "Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stems all sorts of spiritual disease",
Maybe that's why they bring up the word "resentment"
Have you read the book?
Do you have a sponsor? This is where a sponsor comes in real handy.

[jimhere]

This is why we start with simple addition and subtraction at Step One. Then we move to multiplication and division, then fractions, decimals, and percentages. By the time we get to Step Four, then we're ready for algebra.

[24hrsAday]

Newey: my advice is "take your time" you can start by writing down your life story if you want to (that's what i did) when i did step 5 with my sponsor he told me it was a "half measure" i still felt much better after doing it though..

[newey]

Thank you.

[DaveBB164]

I would not recommend doing a life story you are just writing down what you already know,

the object is to find your saleable and unsaleable goods, your stock in trade, an experienced sponsor with the Big Book is your best bet.

[newey]

I did Steps 1 -3 for over 18 months

[CarolD]

newey....have you attended any 4th Step meetings or workshops?
That might be a good idea.

Good to see you here with us....

[sugErspun]

I have posted something similair to this somewhere in the fourth step threads - I will do it again.

Step Four part 1 - write down the name of every person, institution (school, church, work, AA, etc) and principal (love, hate, friendship, loyalty, monogamy) that you are or were angry with. I wrote each item (name, school, principal) down the left hand side of a piece of paper (actually multiple pages). I think I had a list the first time 120 items long.

Part 2 - when part 1 is complete and I have prayed asking if there is anything more I need to put there (I should mention I always write at the top of the page a short prayer asking that I be shown what I need to put down - that which blocks me from god, myself and others). Part2 - I put down what they did, or what about them makes me, or made me angry. I get it ALL out here - and it's a chance for me to be as selfish as I need to be - I don't re-think anything that is put down (ie - "well, it wasn't that bad, maybe I should put this"). Though I know I will be sharing this list - I was told to be as angry and selfish as was revealed to me.

Part 3 - I put down how this affected me. The first time through is real simple - I categorized everything into: Self-Esteem, Pride, Ambition, Personal Relations, Sex Relations, Pocketbook (money) and Security (personal safety ,physical or otherwise). There are expanded third columns where I can really dig into why my Pride was hurt - but I think the first house-cleaning is really about removing the biggest obstacles rather than understanding why they are obstacles.

Part 4 - this was tricky for me, and I had to seek more than just my sponsors input (went to his sponsor even). This part is really about seeing things from a different angle - and forgiving those on the list. I was given some practical advice - picture each person as a child, and what experiences they have had in this world to what and who they are today. Just the picturing as a child was enough for me to almost forgive everyone instantly...but I did go through each one. Then I asked to be shown the HARM I have caused when I look at the resentment listed in part (column) 2. and I just write - whatever comes to mind. If it has to do with something entirely different (ie - I am writing about my boss but the time I bullied around a kid at school comes to mind - I don't fight it, just write with full trust that it will come out as it needs to).

Then the fear and sex inventories --- those certainly deserve a post of their own.

[chris1959]

The first paragraph of page 64 states very clearly, that step 3,"though a vital and crucial step, has little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort, " ie.....Step 4 !!

Pg 64-"First we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure.
Resentment is the number one offender. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. (1st column) We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. (and then) We asked ourselves why we were angry." (2nd column)

Pg 65-"Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with? (3rd column)
We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully."

Pg 66- "To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us got. If we were to live, we had to be free of anger."

Pg 67-"Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults we listed them. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight." (here I start a fourth column using the people places and things from column one, I call it,"my part")

Pg 68-(next) "We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, We asked ourselves why we had them." (column five, "my fears")
"We ask Him," (The one from step 3) "to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be."

Pg 69-"We all have sex problems. What can we do about them? We reviewed our conduct...Where were we at fault? We got this all down on paper and looked at it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in doing so. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it."

Pg 70-"We have listed and analyzed our resentments."
(save for step 8)>>"We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct, and are willing to straighten out the past if we can."

Pg 71-"If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning."

I do mine one column at a time. First I list all my resentments. Then I list all the causes the best I can. Finally I list how it all affects me. I was shown this by my sponser. I use to go across and try to deal with each resentment, cause, and affect..etc, all at once but the other way seems to be easier on the brain. Step 4 helped me alot. It gave me a whole new way to look at all my garbage that I had collected thru the years. Step 5 was like going to the dump. The key for me was not trying to,"pick the fly poop out of the pepper." Easy does it, but do it!! Hope this helps somebody, Peace

Quotesed Source: Alcoholics Anonymous
1st. Edition

[KERRYZZME]

Usually a person does not work a forth step without a sponser.
Sooo.... get a sponser and you have got your direction and your questions answered for your 4th step!!!
At least that is how its worked for many A.A's of the past.

[shanz3n5]

is ther a joe and charlie worksheet around for step 4.

[CarolD]

Welcome to SR shanz3n5....

I don't know where to find one
perhaps other members will

I did my Step 4 from the BB

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by newey

I don't know why not one person can explain how to begin to do step 4 in plain English.

Clarence S. (founder of the Cleveland group) worked with over 5,000 sponcee's during his 46 years of sponsorship. He said that he eventually got it down to a simple 1 -2 hour process.

a) He asked you to list those who you were mad at.

b) He asked you why you were mad at each one.

c) He asked you where were you at fault.

d) He pointed out any errors in your thinking.

He repeated this process for 3 more lists - Fears, Sex-Conduct and Harms.