Questions about step four - could use your help!

[betreurt]

I'm sitting here working on my 4th step for the first time. I'm writing out my resentments. I researched a lot of material, read the instructions in the BB closely, found a good worksheet to help me organize the information, but am still having some difficulty with the fourth part about the nature of my wrongs. What does this mean? I mean, if someone beat the hell out of you and raped you, and you're resentful towards that person, how do you examine your own wrongdoing in that type of situation? I'm not trying to avoid this part of the step, I'm just confused and need some guidance. I'm meeting with my sponsor tomorrow, but any insights any of you have in the meantime would be appreciated as well.

Thanks.

[CarolD]

I'm glad your moving forward with Step work
and will be seeing your sponsor about this

During my active addiction...
I was raped by a stranger and it was my fault.
So I had no problem accepting my part.

I just have no experience to share with you
tho I am sorry it happened.

[betreurt]

How can a stranger taking what is not theirs to take possibly be your fault? I spent years in therapy at a womens center with a counselor working to convince me that it was not my fault. I was sixteen, hadn't even touched alcohol or drugs in my life at that point. I don't understand. I'm not rejecting your response, I appreciate your input, but I am confused.

[sugErspun]

betreurt.

The fourth column is not about fault - it is about harm. A lot of things in my fourth column have little to do with the person (item) in the 1st column. It is what I "did" with that resentment and caused harm to others.

For instance
Column 1 - My Sister
Column 2 - Told my friends that I had a crush on a certain girl - let my secret out.
Column 3 (short version) - Pride, Personal relations, sex relations, ambition, self-esteem
Column 4 - I find it hard to open up to people, I don't want to let my darkest secrets known to anyone because they won't keep confidence and I will be emberassed..

I could expand a little more - particularly in the area where this belief hurt others (I don't let people in - I have a wall up..it creates a lot of pain on both sides).

Column 4 is about the harm I caused...it made it a lot easier to put at the top of the page "show me what I need to see/show me the harm I have caused".

And then just write....personally I wrote freeform the first time.

Let me know if I can be of any assistance.

[BP44]

there are often times resentments where harm was done to the person taking the inventory through no fault of their own. For instance a child who was abused or abandoned, or a rape victim perhaps. The challenge is getting to the
4th column. But it must be done to quit being a victim. Here's my best example. My biological father split when I was 3 months old.(1st and second column) effected pride, self esteem, personal relations ( 3rd column) Setting aside the other person entirely where was I wrong? Well, this was tough, how could I possibly have any part in this, I mean after all I'm the victim. But wait, who carried the resentment for all this time. Who carried a resentment toward someone who isn't even on the planet anymore? I did. That was what got me to the 4th column. The harm I did was to myself and the wrong was carrying the resentment.

[Rob B]

Originally Posted by betreurt

I'm sitting here working on my 4th step for the first time. I'm writing out my resentments. I researched a lot of material, read the instructions in the BB closely, found a good worksheet to help me organize the information, but am still having some difficulty with the fourth part about the nature of my wrongs. What does this mean? I mean, if someone beat the hell out of you and raped you, and you're resentful towards that person, how do you examine your own wrongdoing in that type of situation? I'm not trying to avoid this part of the step, I'm just confused and need some guidance. I'm meeting with my sponsor tomorrow, but any insights any of you have in the meantime would be appreciated as well.

Thanks.

These are fine questions to be asking. You will begin to see some truth in column 3 looking at areas of self affected. Column four will set you free, the book says we are prepared to look at this from an entirely different angle, well, thats what we must do. Here's an example of 4th column truths for folks who were victimized.

Selfishness and Selfcenteredness:Playing the martyr, using the event as a means to garnish attention and sympathy, by not confronting the person, by not using spiritual tools, by replaying the event over and over.

Dishonest: by playing God, by not talking about it, by pretending it didn't occur

Fear: of confrontation, of other people's opinions, of looking bad, feeling bad, etc..

So, as you can see, even though there are situations which we did not cause, such as being molested when a child etc... we are at fault in how we carried this crap with us for years after...anyone capable of seeing this truth and moving on is well on their way to becoming recovered. Victims do not get well.

[betreurt]

Wow, all of these insights have been EXTREMELY helpful. Especially when I realized the fault or harm I caused could be after the fact. Bitterness, not forming close relationships with others, generally distrusting men, and just using sex as a power tool in my adult life.

Very illuminating. Thanks, all. This is really helping me a lot to complete my inventory.

[Rob B]

The truth will set you free, but what they don't tell you is that it will really hurt before you come out the other end.However, it is well worth it, if you are like me, your life depends on doing this. Here's an exercise for you to try now that you have a deeper understanding, and have demostrated a degree of openmindedness that few exhibit.

If you are working out of a 4th addition Big Book, read the 1st two paragraphs on page 66, see if you can reconcile this with your own experience. Paragraph one is talking about column two(your resentments and why you have them), concluding others wronged us is as far as most of us go, then the book tells us in the 2nd paragraph what the price is for harboring these resentments. Then on the bottom of the page it tells us our list holds THE KEY TO THE FUTURE, sounds important. We are going to look at it in an entirely different angle, (columns three and four).

This work demonstrates your 3rd step decision, you are in the process of discovering who you really are and discarding who you are not, when done, what will emerge is your true self, the essence of God. Page 55 describes this experience. Keep at it, there are some good folks on this site who are very well versed in the mechanics of inventory writing and can share experience with you based on experience rather than opinion.

[betreurt]

Ok, I FINALLY completed the work on that. I am EXHAUSTED. Three days, seven hours of WORK. I feel like I ran a marathon. Now the hard part... Gotta share it tomorrow. My stomach is in knots... I want to skip that part SO BAD. NO choice though, I signed up for the "whatever it takes" thing. Argh.

[joeh76]

Sometimes the resentments we hold had nothing to do with what we did. And sometimes we have done things to other people that that were totally unprovoked. It's not always an "...if...then" scenario. If you have done the 1-2-3's and a-b-c's correctly, then trust in your higher power and just write it down. More will be revealed.