LauraS

I worked through to step 3 with my sponsor last Saturday. We went over how to do the fourth step, and I have not been able to get it started. I know that I need to start but, frankly, it all seems like there is not enough paper on Earth for me to list everything. I've hashed through so much of it already in various forms of therapy and other group work and left it behind years ago. The idea of dragging out the old baggage again is actually making me feel sleepy.

Part of my issue, I know, is that much of the work I did in the past with this stuff centered around issues related to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which manifests itself in me by triggering the flight response most of the time. I avoid, and when I can't avoid, my body wants to shut it down, and I get sleepy. I know that sounds strange, but hopefully someone here will relate to it.

Anyway, I am not sure what I am looking for by posting this. Maybe just some encouragement to do it anyway. I fully intend to pick up the pen and start writing as soon as I finish this post... because I know that I have to. I just don't want to.

Tommyh

hi Laura
I did not want to do mine but I wanted to stay sober.It was about staying sober for me.
Thinking about it too much was bad for me,so I just quit thinking about it and started.Once started,it flowed out.Another problem I had was confusion.I was confused.My sponsor had me break my life down into 5 year blocks and analyze each block,then move onto the next.
I started at 0-5 years.i found 1 resentment.
Then I went on to 5-10,then 10-15 etc
before I knew it ,it was done.
We do not have to like it or even want to do it,we just need to get it done.In the end,it was about looking at causes and conditions of my drinking and me getting well,and staying sober.
I have not had a drink since I did mine in 1988.

paulmh

Sounds like a good time to meditate upon the two steps you've just done. Step two includes a line "restored to sanity". Things like PTSD fall broadly in the range of "insanity" - issues of poor mental health. Around SR you'll find many people talking about depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD - debilitating conditions no doubt, and how debilitating they are for you personally I obviously don't know. I do know that all alcoholics suffer from poor mental and emotional health (by definition, lol) in some shape or form, and all alcoholics cling on to these with literally a "better the devil I know" attitude. The simple fact is this. No sane human being wants to be sick. If we form an attachment to our poor mental health because it gives us an excuse, then that's a particular form of insanity. Certainly for me I used "I'm an alcoholic" as an excuse for a long time, and dabbled with "I'm depressed" until a dear friend committed suicide in a psychotic episode.

The steps wrought a profound change in me which included the ability to let go of things which were damaging to me. Some things, years later, I still struggle to let go of and I find that they are closer to inherent - and I have to learn to live with them. I remain hopeful however that with time and work, they'll go away too. The profound change that was wrought in me is that I now want to be well. I don't want depression or worry or anxiety or neurosis or whatever in my life. I'm prepared to let these things go. Meditate upon steps two and three again. Then see how you feel about beginning the process of letting go.

All the best

sugErspun

I can only share where I was at that point.

Step 3 ~ I made a decision about turning over my WILL and LIFE. So looking at step 4 ~ it isn't even my decision to do it, or not. The only decision I need to make was done at step 3, now it's about action...

I found it best to only look at the task in front of me.

If you are just starting your fourth step ~ all you have to do right now is list the names of the people, institutions and principles that I was ever angry with. So I write a prayer on the top of the page to be shown what I need to be shown, and start making the list.

There's a simplicity to the steps that make them hard to understand, but easy to do..

keithj

So, did you work through to step 3 or did you take step 3? I'm not trying to be flippant (ok, well, maybe a little), but once you've taken step 3 you're in your higher power's hands. That's what is guiding you now. Not whether you feel like doing it or whether you want to. You've decided to follow god's will for you. That should indicate direction.

So many seemingly willing people get stalled on step 4. We call it the 4th step fade around here. There is a guy I'm working with right now who is having the same struggle you are. He started an inventory, or at least tried to. I even offered to sit down with him for a chunk of time so that we could write it out together. But he's stuck. Now he's doing that uncomfortable sponsor dance of avoidance and not returning a phone call. The help is there if he wants it, not much I can do for him if he doesn't. From what I've seen, whether or not you have made a decision; ie. whether or not you have taken step 3, is indicated by whether or not you take the action of step 4.

Right after 3rd step prayer are the directions for the 4th step:

"Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once follo wed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions."

I found it helpful to say a prayer before starting. Ask about the Set Aside Prayer to get over prejudices about having already reviewed this stuff in another context. I've seen people succeed by using strict BB insructions, Hazleden worksheet, list of 250 people they've known, and many variations in between. I prefer a pretty basic BB method, but it doesn't matter. You are trying to get down to causes and conditions. If you can see that people **** you off when you don't get your way, that your self-esteem is threatened because you fear looking fake or being alone (just some examples, not exhaustive), it doesn't matter if you have one example or a hundred of that particular resentment or fear or behavior. See the truth (hard to do) and claim your part as clearly as possible.

I'll echo another post. If that 3rd step is realy felt in your heart, the 4th step kind of writes itself. I was taught to work on it everyday, regardless of anything. There were a few days when all I could manage was a single entry (one resentment or fear carried alll the way through). But, even with that minimal effort I could look at tangible action I was taking for my sobriety. I brought a little willingness and god supplied the rest.

Do you really believe that god's will for you is to do a 4th step? If not, find out. Ask whatever you believe to guide your will. Amazingly powerful when you humbly seek it.

BP44

Like you I had spent years in group therapy uncovering "issues" through 2 separate treatments. Unfortunately I held a belief for a long time that I just didn't need to do a 4th step, afterall, I had hashed all that stuff in therapy right. So, AA became just an extension of my treatment and group therapy. That's really what I thought it was for, just support. The steps were just suggestions. The problem was I kept getting drunk. Once at 1 1/2 years, and then again at 7 years. That last relapse finally brought me to surrender. It was suggested to me that I set aside everything I think I might know about anything, especially spiritual matters. That included past "issues" and the effect an inventory would have, and the truth I might see. One of the truths I found was that in all those years in therapy, I never got past the second column. I never once got past being a victim, in fact therapy encouraged it. So, my very best suggestion I can give you regarding inventory is to ask God to set aside everything you think you know about the steps, the Big Book, yourself, others, and God for an open mind and a new experience and see what. 4&5 gave me a relief I had never known before and a sense of belonging and direction I had never known. My life began to make sense.

Rob B

My experience is that any resistance to the 4th step, 9th step, daily practice of 10-12, can always be traced to STEP 1. In step 1, the truth about my condition was discovered, reconciled with my 20 year drinking history. Lack of power is my dillema, I will always drink. Through a process of elimination, two choices were left, spiritual principles or death.

The consideration I would offer you, is to revisit step one, do you believe you are an alcoholic of the hopeless variety? Do you have more than two choices left?

Lastly, I would set aside what you think you know about this process, what the experience looks like, and what the outcome could be. Step work is not therapy, In working the steps through the book, we look at things from a very different perspective than most therapists would have you do.

Feel free to PM me if I can be of help.

paulmh

MAny thanks.

LauraS

Thanks, everyone. I did make a start last night and will continue. I also re-read the part in the BB that was quoted, about taking vigorous action, last night.

I did work step 3 with my sponsor, but probably have to keep reminding myself that this is where I am now with handing it over. It's hard for me to remember to do that, so I'm grateful for all the reminders here today.

McGowdog

Thanks for checking back Laura. Good experience on the 4th step in here.

I recently did one and I bought a new spiral notebook and put columns 1 and 2 on the left hand side and 3 (and 4 if you do a 4th column too) on the right hand side. I leave a whole bunch of room for my 3rd column because I don't do a check mark like some Hazelden's do. I do the extended version that seems to be right in the Big Book and lay it out, but expand on it in detail (some may recognize it as Theater of the Lie). I sort of do my 4th column when I 5th step it, but...

Before I start writing, I review steps 1, 2, and 3, then write at the top of the page, something to the effect: "God, I pray that honesty comes from this pen" or "God, I ask that you show me Truth"...

Then I write... just 1 resentment at a time.

Column 1............Column 2............. Column 3.....................

Resentful at:.......The Cause:............Affects my:

Neighbor.............Said "it's about time you fixed your lawn. You lived here longer than me, and now you're just getting around to doing it?"

...............................Self Esteem; I am a Home Owner! I am the Best Neighbor on the Block!

McGowdog

Inventory... (continued)

Then I write... just 1 resentment at a time.

Column 1............Column 2............. Column 3.....................

Resentful at:.......The Cause:............Affects my:

Neighbor.............Said "it's about time you fixed your lawn. You lived here longer than me, and now you're just getting around to doing it?"

...............................Self Esteem; I am a Home Owner! I am the Best Neighbor on the Block! I am civil, amiable, and considerate! I am a hard-worker!

...............................Security; I need respect. I need Honor! I need admiration.

...............................Ambition: I want prestige and prominence, rank and stature! Applause!

...............................Personal Relations: Real Men are resolute! Real men are industrious, disciplined, and self-reliant. Men bow down and respect real men!






...and so it goes. We speak from the positive in the 3rd Column. No whinny dribble in the 3rd column. Get that stuff back into your 2nd column. We are writing from the position that we are God! We have Power! We have the control! For example, if I wasn't playing God and my neighbor told me I was a lazy piece of crap, I'd believe him and go to shame, not resentment.

So anyways, some back story on this here resentment... I had worked 5 years to get the greenest lawn on the block! Then one summer, the sprinkler broke, flooded my basement... and before you know it, my lawn is brown, even the grub worms and that pesky mole were leaving.

So I had to get a sod cutter, cut my lawn out, put the dead turf aside, put in new soil spray-seed mulch the thing and after busting my back... getting the sprinkler fixed and the lawn down in time to take my wife on our roadtrip vacation. So when I come back from vacation, we've got a green lawn, and I yell out to my neighbor, "So, what do you think about our new lawn?"

Here's pics of my hands;

Here's why my sprinkler broke in the first place:



What the sod cutter did to me; and yes, I used gloves.

McGowdog

McGowdog

McGowdog

Do ya see how I got the resentment? Well, the beauty about the resentments are that we can only usually recall one at a time. So write it down. Get it down on paper. Then... another one will come to mind! Then another, then another!

So that's why we don't have to journal about our feelings or write the Great American Novel!

Just write... resentful at... the cause... affects my...

Then when you're tired of writing, set it aside! Bring yourself out of that mode with a prayer until you sit down to write again. Maybe something like... "We asked His protection and care with complete abandon."

So we got the lawn started and had a nice vacation;