Big Book on Step Four

[nandm]

68:24-70:16

Now about sex. Many of us needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes---absurd extremes perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere . One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?

We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Wehere had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.

In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relations to this test---was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given, and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.

God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.

Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk? Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.

To sum up about sex: we earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.

The third area we focus on in our fourth step is sex. We continue the columnar format we learned in the resentment list. The direction to write this down is clear (69:15). The authors suggest the aspects of our sex lives we should concentrate on (69:10-14). We begin to practice spiritual principles in this area of our lives by asking for God's help (69:18).

[nandm]

68:24-70:16

Now about sex. Many of us needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes---absurd extremes perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere . One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?

We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Wehere had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.

In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relations to this test---was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given, and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.

God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.

Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk? Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.

To sum up about sex: we earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.

Now about sex. Many of us needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes---absurd extremes perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere . One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?

We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Wehere had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.

In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relations to this test---was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given, and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.

God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.

Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk? Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.

To sum up about sex: we earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache. The third area we focus on in our fourth step is sex. We continue the columnar format we learned in the resentment list. The direction to write this down is clear (69:15). The authors suggest the aspects of our sex lives we should concentrate on (69:10-14). We begin to practice spiritual principles in this area of our lives by asking for God's help (69:18).

[nandm]

Why they failed 73:1-5

Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their house cleaning. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear: they only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story.

This explains why we need to take all of the steps in order. As we work the following steps our understanding of the previous ones broadens and deepens. Picking and choosing which steps we prefer to take produces little or no results. This is a suggested program not a program of suggestions. Each subsequent step depends and builds upon our experience with each of the earlier steps. Few who have not admitted powerlessness will be willing to abandon their old ways of life and adopt a new one. Few who are unwilling to believe in a Power greater than themselves will decide to turn their will and life over to the care of God. Why do a moral inventory if we are not seeking to be rid of those aspects of ourselves that block us from God? What admission can we make to God, ourselves, and another person if we have not developed the insight to recognize the real problem? We need to take all the steps to successfully overcome alcoholism.

The authors are being polite and trying to avoid making judgments of us. Let us not fool ourselves into believing that they are referring to someone else. Cross our the word “they” in every sentence and replace it with “I.” We need to learn the benefits of this way of life first hand. We need to have our own individual spiritual experiences. Practicing the fifth step enables us to directly experience this spiritually based way of life and to reap it’s benefits.

[nandm]

Written inventory 75:3

We have a written inventory, and we are prepared for a long talk.

[nandm]

We have a list 76:13-14

We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory.

These are the directions for the eight step. We use the names from our fourth step lists, however, we may need to include others. We may want to examine our relationships with any additional people we add to our list in the ways we have learned in the fourth step. We have become willing to make amends to these people as we now can clearly see the harm we have caused.

We falsely believed that by avoiding our responsibility to right our wrongs we escaped punishment for them. When we think of many of the people we have harmed, we feel the cringe of guilt and hope never to see them again. This self-imposed punishment is far worse than the humiliation or judgment from others we fear will receive when we admit our mistakes. The replacement of our fear with the feeling of release brought about by our amends is proof positive that this spiritual way of life works. This is spiritual experience that we can draw upon when faced with fear and doubt of what to do when we are in conflict with others.

[nandm]

May rebel at the thought of 94:15

He may rebel at the thought of a drastic housecleaning which requires discussion with other people.

If we know ourselves well, we will be able to anticipate the suggestions our prospects will balk at. When we are new we are sometimes confuses about the cause of our problems. A moral inventory followed by an admission of our faults to another person may seem as though it will not address our problems. Confusing pride with self-esteem, and humility with humiliation we think that admitting our faults to others will make us feel worse about ourselves. We may feel that if only we felt better about ourselves we would not drink so much. Our progress depends upon our willingness to abandon our old ideas and to give this new way of life an honest try. We find that the source of genuine self-esteem is humility rather than pride.

[nandm]

[nandm]

[nandm]