Figuring out the Big 4! Resentments.

[Signal30]

Signals Disclaimer: The following information on the 12 steps, are from how I interpreted the Big Book and/or the 12 & 12 book. I did my absolute best to explain what the books say on a step as simple as possible, but without straying from what the book says. All exact quotes have been changed for copyright reasons. Some of what I have written is from original homework assignments on the steps from what my sponsor gave me to do. Hopefully what I write can help. If anything, take what is useful and leave the rest. Keep it simple!


The following is some of the rough draft a few AAers and myself made for a workshop type meeting that is in the works. This is set up as kind of a "how to" when doing an inventory. There are many "precharted" blank inventory guides available online that are helpful to some. This is a suggestion on how to do a Resentments inventory. Make sure you are ready, you have a sponsor, and your sponsor knows you are ready. This step separates the men from the boys! This goes right along with the chapter How It Works in the Big Book on resentments.

There’s more to quitting drinking, than quitting drinking, meaning that there is more to life than just being physically sober. The Fourth Step is our first action step towards physical and emotional sobriety.

Step four is a fact-finding and fact-facing process, (BB pg 64 second paragraph), we are looking for the “causes and conditions”, (BB pg 64 first paragraph). The root of our defects of character.

By doing a Personal Moral Inventory, we can uncover the truth about ourselves. We want to discover the attitudes, thoughts, behaviors, fears and actions that caused us problems and failure. We want to learn the exact nature of our character defects, and what causes us to do the harmful actions we do to others and ourselves. By doing a thorough Fourth Step Inventory we can acquire and live with new attitudes, thoughts, behaviors, and actions. This prepares us to live life of purpose, where we are happier, and in a maximum fit condition to be of service to others.

If you doubt that you have any real problems, think back to the last time to felt restless, irritable, depressed, and discontented. Remember when you got angry with yourself, another person, event or situation. When you had problems and troubles. What was it? Who was it with? What happened?

On page 64 of The Big Book, it states that we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused us failure, and that we are convinced that it was of various “self” manifested ways. Various forms of self, (Self-seeking, self- justification, self-reliance, etc.) are all forms of selfishness. These forms of self grew into resentments and fears. These resentments and fears developed when people and situations didn’t go OUR way.

On the same page of The Big Book, (page 64), it explains the resentment is the “number one” offender. The Big Book and AA as a whole do not take resentments lightly. Selfishness, (and its forms of self) turn into resentments.

What is resentment? Webster's dictionary defines resentment as bitterness or ill-will felt as a result of a real or imagined offense. Webster's then refers the reader to the word anger and gives other examples of this thought or feeling, which includes rage, fury, ire, wrath, resentment, and indignation. These words show varying degrees of displeasure, from anger (strong, intense, and explosive) to the longer lasting resentment (ill-will, suppressed or unexpressed anger) generated by a sense of being wronged or being wrong. In other words, we are dealing with a negative or unpleasant thought or feeling caused or generated by the real or imagined act or failure to act of a person, institution, or principle.

"People, institutions, or principles" may need some explanation. While "person" obviously refers to anger we feel towards others (whether justified or not is immaterial), remember that you are a "person", and your action or failure to act may very well cause you to think or feel bad (guilt or low self-esteem). "Institutions" are any group of people, authorities, companies, governmental agencies, or other organizations. A "principle" is a basic law or truth. Many of these basic laws or truths have and do offend us, for example:

1. Alcoholism is an incurable, progressive disease.
2. Honesty is the best policy.
3. As you give, so you will receive. (Each of us suffers the consequences of his own actions. There are no free rides.)
4. When you are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with you. (It's not him, it, them, or God, it's you.)



I’m Resentful At: The first step in the inventory process and column 1. It is to simply make a list. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions, or principles with whom we were angry. With the foregoing instructions in mind, and before proceeding any further with this inventory, a list should be prepared of the people, institutions, or principles with which we have had or presently do have a resentment, as defined previously. Certain points should be remembered:



If you can remember the resentment, you should list it, even though you think you are "over it." Go back through your life as far as you can remember. "Nothing counts but thoroughness and honesty."

1) Do not concern yourself with whether you should or should not have the resentment, simply make the list and go no further at this point.

2) Throughout the taking of Step 4, and at times thereafter, you will recall other resentments which will require dealing with. Don't worry about how complete the list is, you can add it at any time, simply do the best you can do over a reasonable period of time (perhaps a week).

3) There is no such thing as the "perfect" 4th Step. Most people will eventually do several 4th Steps. If this is your first time through, don't be obsessed with trying to get everything the first time. So far, nobody has succeeded yet. The important thing is to be thorough and honest, as thorough and honest as you can be right now. As you "grow" in the program, you will be able to become more thorough and more honest, and this is why there is no such thing as the "perfect” 4th Step.


The Cause: The second instruction in the "Big Book", (and second column) regarding resentments is "We asked ourselves why we were angry." In column 2, write a few words which describe each and every single event or circumstance you can recall which causes you to resent the person, place, or thing in column 1. This is a very important part of the analysis. We learn from specific events, not general and vague complaints. For example, we learn little from the complaint that "he/she was always lying," but we learn a great deal from a more specific "he/she told me he/she wasn't married."

What Part of Self Was Hurt or Threatened: The third instruction (column three) regarding resentments is listing what part of ourselves we feel were hurt or threatened. What were the actions and results that caused or threatened to cause us harm which made us become resentful. The Big Book mentions 7 parts of self, (there can be more), they are simply defined as follows.


a) Did it affect my self-esteem (the way I think of myself)?
b) Did it affect my pride (How I think or want others to view me)?
c) Did it affect my pocketbook?
d) Was one of my personal relationships affected or threatened?
e) Did it affect or threaten my ambition (what I wanted or needed)?
f) Did it affect or threaten my emotional security (feeling of personal safety)?
g) Was one of my sexual relationships affected or threatened?


IT IS IMPORTANT TO COMPLETE THE ANALYSIS, OF EACH OF THE EVENTS OF ALL OF YOUR RESENTMENTS BEFORE CONTINUING WITH THE INVENTORY.

Ask yourself these questions about each resentment and each event causing it:

1. Having determined who was at fault, am I willing to go further in my study of this event?
2. Did I try to retaliated, fight back, or run? Did it help? Do I see that "the victor only seemed to win? Our moments of triumph were short-lived."?
3. Is it clear to me that "a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness"?
4. Has the resentment ever benefited you in any way, or have you "squandered the hours that might have been worth while" thinking about these resentments? Do you realize and understand that these thoughts separate you from the "sunlight of the Spirit" (God)? Do you believe that these thoughts will lead you back to the insanity of the first drink? Do you believe that for us, "to drink is to die"?
5. Do you understand that through our thoughts and reactions to people, places, and things, "the world and its people really dominate us"? Do you understand that until we progress beyond the point of simply blaming ourselves or others, there can be no growth or solution? Can you see that you must try something different if you are to arrive at a different result?
6. Do you recognize that other people have the same problem with life that you have had and many of these are also spiritually sick?
7. Can you forgive?
8. Honestly pray the 4th step prayer: God, help me show ______________, the same tolerance, pity, and patience I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. How can I be helpful to him? Save me from being angry. Thy will be done, not mine."


Now that you have listed and understood the resentment and how it affected you, have stopped blaming or "putting out of your mind the wrongs others have done," you can now look for your own mistakes and learn from them. Take the following action:


Where Was I to Blame: (column four) For each name listed, and for each cause or event listed, ask yourself the following:

a. Where have I been dishonest, selfish, self-seeking, frightened (fear), and inconsiderate, or been guilty of pride, ego, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, sloth, jealousy, criticism, self-pity, or intolerance?

b. Where was I to blame?

c. Write down your faults as revealed in column 4 opposite each name and event.


Perfection is not required, but a good effort involving honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness is essential.



This was for resentments, A fear inventory will be coming soon to be posted. I hope this can help.


Tom

[stone]

Thanks for this Signal, on a side note I find it interesting that the word resentment originally meant 're-feel'.

So, if something keeps playing over in my mind or still hurts/angers me to think of, then I know I have to deal with it. Or in this case, add it to the list for step 4.

[sugErspun]

Very detailed - I like that all four columns are explained (some people seem to overlook that fourth column where we look at our selfishness / self-centeredness)

One thing I keep in mind about resentments: ' Resentment is the "number one" offender: It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. ' == Destroys more alcoholics than even alcohol.

During the fourth column I was reminded to re-read a paragraph found on page 62 that ends with : at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt (build resentment)...


nice work..

[nandm]

Thank you for your input signal. That was a great explanation and I think it will be quite useful.

[stone]

Originally Posted by sugErspun

One thing I keep in mind about resentments: ' Resentment is the "number one" offender: It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. ' == Destroys more alcoholics than even alcohol.

It's the number one offender because we drink on resentments...I am pretty sure that's what is meant.

[Time2Surrender]

Doing Step Four now. Resentments have sent me back out a few times.

Resentments are like drinking Poison and waiting for the other person to die

Resentments are like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but your the only one feeling it.

Resentments are like Farting. Anyone who comes near you will catch a wiff of your stink