The guilt

[die tryin]

I will have 6 months on 3/28/07 and seem to be having a problem with letting go of all of the Guilt that I have inside me.I have been working very hard on the resentments in step 4 and will be moving to step 5 early next week.
My problem that I still have this incredible amount of guilt from all of the things that I have done over my 28 year drinking career.I just feel soooo bad.I am trying to get out this guilt and the resentments,but I am having a difficult time doing this.
Any ideas would be appreciated as I am goin crazy here.
Thanks,

[CarolD]

Hugs....Congratulations on your sobriety!


My remorse left me when I did Step 5.
I hope this will be true for you too.

Blessings

[Gmoney]

Congrats on your 6 months and it's very encouraging to know that there are still members willing to do the work necessary to recover, specifically step work.

I hope what I'm about to share with you will help, but if not, please do yourself a favor by continuing to reach out and bringing the topic up at meetings. You'll be pleasantly surprised at the wealth of experience other members have in this area.

For me, when it came to guilt, it was easier for me to let go when I fully accepted the fact that I wasn't responsible for my disease. Since most of the things I felt guilty about occurred during my active addiction, it made sense for me to attribute the stuff I felt bad about to that because had I not been using it wouldn't have happened. At least, I don't believe it would. While I was in the grip of my obsession to use, my thinking and behaviors weren't rational so there had to be some collateral damage.

As a result of doing a 4th step, I became aware of the self-defeating and self-destructive patterns of thinking and behavior, but it wasn't until I got to steps 9 & 10 that I began to experience a greater amount of relief from the guilt and shame. Through making amends and a daily inventory, we make corrections, repair damage (if possible) and hopefully prevent reoccurrence of our wrongs. We can't change the past and have to accept the part we played in it, but initially we can begin to feel some of the burden lifted by understanding that we're not responsible for our disease and totally responsible for our recovery. A key may be forgiving yourself.

Be blessed,
Garry W

[fraankie]

get sober
then
handle the guile

something someone shared
"i did the best i could in my addiction"
which to me meant
whatever i did
i was drinking
so i wans't myself
but
i did the best i could under the circumstances
besides
guilt for what
a missed birthday?
a dwi?
a day off from work?
it's over
the world is still going round


best
fraankie

[mcdo1268]

So you are writing on your fourth step? Do you have a sponsor?

[jimhere]

The question I would ask is: "What are you feeling guilty about?"

There is real guilt and assumed guilt. And then there is remorse and regret, which often turn into self-pity.

I remember telling my first sponsor that I felt guilty. He said that I probably felt guilty because I had been living in such a manner that would cause one to feel guilty. I remember feeling really bad about how I had hurt the ones I loved. I experienced a lot of remorse over that stuff. But one of the awakenings I had early on was seeing the lies for what they were: lies. One of my delusions was that I hadn't hurt anyone other than myself. And I saw that for what it was.

I began to get free in the inventory process, but really was set free in the eight and ninth steps. The housecleaning process helps me to see that this deal really isn't about me anymore.
Jim

[Gmoney]

Good question!! It's not recommended that we do it alone.

[die tryin]

Thank you all for the responses..This is my first post and didn't know what to expect..I received more responses than anticipated.I will attempt to clarify the situation..
Its not about a DWI,a missed birthday,or "converting" guilt into self pity.I have prepared about as much info that I can to do a proper step 4 and 5 by really looking at my resentments.I see that I am responsible for many of them.I have been blaming others for my faults.
I have been through 3 rehabs,2 in the past 10 months,Did some time in prison,was in treatment my 1st time when I was 15 yrs old,had a couple abortions,watched my father die,went to the hospital 5 times in the first 5 months of last yr due to bing drinking,,,that kind of stuff.I know that this is my last chance to get this right.I guess I just wanted to know that I am doing everything in my power to get this correct.Yes,I have a sponsor and will be meeting with him over the next few days to review my documentation..I hope I am doin everything correct..Thanks everyone for you input..

[CarolD]

Please keep moving forward
You too can find recovery!

Blessings

[Grasshopper]

Congrats on your sober time.
All of my past happened.And no amount of guilt will ever change my past.I can make choices to let go of guilt or hang onto it.Once i have looked into the roots and causes ,make ammends to others,and continue on with my recovery,what more can i possibly do.The past cant be changed,but my future can change.I no longer have to live/do/think/or act the way i use to anymore.Remember the promises as your working through your recovery.They have come true in not only my life,but many others too,if one works for them.Doing the step prayers help too.
keep on,keeping on,you will get through it.

[Music]

I experienced the same feelings of guilt when I first came to AA. My sponsor was quick to remind me that I'm just not that good, at being that bad, and that I did the best I could under the circumstances. Jerry also reminded me that if God hadn't already forgiven me for my past deeds, I probably wouldn't have been given this gift of the desire to get sober, and if that's true, who am I not to forgive myself. Sounded good to me. I started praying to forgive myself and so far today it's worked. Continue on with your fifth step and see how you feel afterward. Make sure you're thorough with your fourth step and try not to leave anything out, but remember, you can always come back for seconds if something slips by. Like Carol said, just keep moving forward.

[mike_mass]

I like to look at the guilt as a teacher. What have I learned from it? Am I repeating the same behavior now? What situations caused me to act in that way? Have I adjusted my life accordingly in sobriety so as not to react in the same way? A thorough step 4 might address these things. Good luck going forward.

[die tryin]

I must Admit..You all have given me insight that I never would have thought of...I hope I can let it go for now and come back to it later as it is driving me towards a reason to relapse..I don't need that..Its dofficult..Soooo difficult..thanx

[CarolD]

Hmmm..see if this info is helpful

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

Blessings

[JoeBob]

don't mean to take away from everything you are doing. sounds like you are on the right track. but i did notice that you have a male sponsor and i'm assuming you are female because you mentioned abortions. i just wonder if you've considered a female sponsor. i know..for me..i don't think i could be as honest and open with a man about all the things i'm feeling. or that they would understand. again, congratulations on working so hard.

[Fluttering]

Do't worry youare right on track...As you move forward and go into making amends which MUST include yourself, you will find less guilt..

also I had to remember to be grateful to the one who carried me thru the storm.. When it ccame to making amends to myself the very best advice someone gave me was. "From this day on you are not that same person and God forgave you so if God being a Power Greater than you and He has forgiven you then why can't you. From this day on you will be making a living amends."

[Fluttering]

"...really looking at my resentments.I see that I am responsible for many of documentation..I hope I am doin everything correct.."


It really isn't about doin everything right..it is about doing your best, accepting your humanness when you make a mistake and still keepin on keeepin on ...It is about suiting up an showing up and doing the very best I can each day and give back what was so freely given to me

Remember in How it Works it says..."No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perect adherance to these principles. We are not saints the point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines......"

You are doing great...Keep on darlin....keep on keepin on

[lanie67]

Congratulations on feeling! That is a step in the right direction. I used to hear a joke early on about how when they said getting sober would make us feel better, what they meant is that it would make us feel better. And that is the truth. In this kind of situation I strong recommend writing everything down, just letting it out in the moment, along with writing a fourth step. I just open a document on the computer and start typing. I always think it won't help and it never, ever fails to make me feel better.

I have done two fourth steps, and have made many amends. However there are some things I did as a child, before the age of ten, that I feel guilty about still. I will continue to intermittently feel guilty about them. I sometimes have remorse. There is nothing wrong with feeling guilt. You are not, now, doing the action that produced the guilt, you are just having a feeling about it. Please don't punish yourself for that, it is such a blessing to be one of the people in this world that has guilt.I only say that after having been through some personal drama and dealt with some folks who appear to not be capable of it. Just breathe. Pray, talk to other alcoholics/addicts, write, do whatever it takes to get those feelings out. They are most dangerous when they are left inside. Hugs to you.

[Sugah]

I had some guilt that just seemed to hang on and on, even though I had expressed it in my 5th step, felt I was entirely ready to have it removed and asked my HP to remove it from me. Yet, it stuck around. I made amends the best I could to those I'd harmed. Still, it hung on.

Then, I really listened to the Promises, and this one stood out: "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."

Well, I was wrapping up, to the best of my ability, my 9th step, and that's where those promises were in the book. I never understood what that one meant, so I asked, and I was told, "Those experiences in your past will be valuable to someone. So, don't get it in your head that now you've worked the steps on them, you can just forget about them. You only need let go of the crap that goes along with them."

Then something cool happened. People started coming into my life who could relate to me (and me to them) based on some of the things in my past. My past became hope for them that they, too, could get beyond seemingly insurmountable guilt and get sober.

My guilt is gone today, and it was huge. HUGE. Believe that all these experiences will help someone else one day, and I'll bet you get through it, too. One step at a time.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[lanie67]

Wow, Sugah, that is an amazing post, I really appreciate the part about how the promises relate to it. One thing about my recovery that is true about that is that I relapsed at 9 years and 8 months sober/clean. During that time I was working the steps/calling sponsor daily/going to meetings/doing service, all of that. I just did not know how to cope with certain things including an undiagnosed condition I had (and have). That relapse devastated me and I thought I would never feel the same way about recovery. Now I would not change it and go back to how I felt then for anything in the world; I was just hanging on. I felt a little wistful at what would have been my 15 year mark in March, but I did have a 5 year anniversary in Nov although that time means little to me now as I know that ALL I have, literally, is today. I am so much more at peace and content in recovery than I was before this relapse. So I love the part about not regretting the past or wishing to shut the door on it. I have relapsed with time and I can relate to people that have, and that is a blessing I wouldn't trade for anything. I thought my emotions around that relapse would propel me back out there permanently but I used prayer and meditation to ride the wave of those feelings and they passed.

[jrock]

Do you do the first 3 steps in order, as it is outlined in the book? Hopefully by now you are praying to whatever your conception of this power is that can carry you through this step. It sounds like if you are working on resentements now, the book outlines a fear and relationship inventory as well, which took me quite a while.

[savoy]

Guilt wasn't an overwhelming problem for me,
as the Big Book says "what Should you have done better"

not what COULD you have done better.

I was insane. And thats what insane people are capable of, insane things.

[bballdad]

sometimes we confuse guilt and shame

some of the old oldtimers who took the steps by the 4 absolutes as a standard found guilt by doing things they should not have done,and called them defects of character..They also found shame from not doing things they should have done,and called it shortcomings.

as a kid and teenager,I had a lot of shame which was removed or replaced with AA`s program of right action .So was the guilt,but it all took continued application of the AA way of life and time.

[Debaucher]

When I was doing my 4rth step writing my sponsor kept focusing and reminding me of the promises. He told me about how amazing the spiritual awakening was for him. He focused on the lines I highlighted below. Writing my 4rth was hard. The promises were the carrot that kept me moving. The promises were my hope! I trusted that they would come true.

I'm sure you have heard it before a million times... but here is the begining of it.
(highlighting mine)

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

...

[savoy]

Until at least the halfway point of step 9, it was not usefull to give much credence to my own thoughts. I was still insane until such time as God intervened.

I recovered DESPITE myself, not due to my thoughts during the process.