A mom with a problem... - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

julez · 11-13-2010, 12:19 PM

Hello~
I am having an internal struggle that I hope someone can help me with. I have just started AA, and I am really excited about starting my step work. I've gotten to step 3, and I can honestly say that in regard to everything else, I am ready willing and able to turn my will and my life over to God. When I started this journey, it occurred to me that while I wanted help with my alcoholism, I also wanted that spiritual awakening, and the inner peace that the steps can bring me.
Basically, as I have spoken of before, I have a troubled teen daughter. She's in therapy, on medication, but is resistant to treatment in that the medications that have been tried on her, aren't really doing their job. We are still looking for her diagnosis, but it has already been established that she has PTSD.
I want to turn it over to God. I want to sit quietly and listen to His plan for her and her future. But I CAN'T. My mothering instincts are taking control. I worry to the point I'm sick. I'm exhausted trying to think of different ways to help her. As her mom, its my job to give her consequences, and try to control her behavior by setting limits. But isn't that going against Step 3? Wheres the happy medium? Is there one? Should I really accept the fact that she will be who she will be? Now let me tell you that all her school counselors, and her therapist have all said that I'm doing all I can, and that its up to her now to care about her future.
Sorry this is so long. I'm just a worried, confused mommy who loves her pain in the butt daughter. I need to work on myself, but by doing that, do I have to let her go??
Please help.

***Freedom1990*** · 11-13-2010, 12:47 PM

It's difficult with a teenager in the home, let alone a troubled teen. I went through that with both of my daughters (10 years apart).

All you can do is establish boundaries in your home, and enforce them.

Worrying to the point of being sick does nothing but wear you down, hon.

I know for me, I have had to hit many bottoms in codependency before I was willing to let go and let God. Parenting two daughters was no exception.

The difference between God's will and mine is that my will hurts.

God has brought you this far. He isn't going to let you down now.

pongo · 11-13-2010, 01:53 PM

I have constructive thoughts to offer, but first I'll say that I, too, have a child with emotional/behavioral issues. He is 9, has been in therapy for three years and is now (finally,) on medication. His present dx is anxiety and depression.

Acknowledging that God is manifest in every situation does not mean that you sit back and wait to see what God will do. It means that you actively participate and seek to follow God's will. It is erroneous to think that you can control your daughter's behavior. You can only control your response to it. You have the responsibility to discipline her and to love her, but you cannot and will not control her. Giving her consequences and guidance does not go against what God expects of parents, but worrying yourself sick is going to make you less effective as a role model.

When you say you "can't" turn this situation over to God, I read it as you "won't" do so. In my case, I decided that God was a much better problem solver than I, and I have endeavored at all times to discern His will and implement it in my son's life. Have I met with obstacles and self doubt? You bet! At times I am tempted to want to take over and do what I think is best. Once you lay it at the feet of God the struggle is to not pick it back up again.

Do not let your daughter go, but continually point her toward God's will. Pray for her. I had a revelation a few months ago that I would personally take responsibility for my son's mental health problems. What I mean is that I choose to see this as an opportunity for me to weed out the sin in my life, to grow closer to God, to become a non-anxious presence in my son's life by opening myself up to God. No, I did not cause his problems and there is no fault to be placed. But as his parent, as an adult, as his spiritual guide, as his teacher, I choose to make his problem mine. I seek to find God's will for his healing and for mine. I consider all selfishness and anger on my part to be sinful attitudes that destroy my ability to really listen to God. I'm no where near where I want to be in this regard, and my son still struggles, but I do have a goal.

You're a good mom. Keep it up!

Tommyh · 11-13-2010, 03:31 PM

Julez
I suggest you keep focusing on taking the steps and learning to live those principles in your life daily.My sponsor says I am to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and others.Taking care of our self in the process.
Now we can do only so much,and if our children will not let us do what we are supposed to do,or want to have it their way,then we can only do a little.I have a son who is in a situation and I feel a lot like what you wrote about.
I did not cause him to do what he does,I cannot control him,and I sure cannot fix him,so I just try to be of service in a good positive way which sometimes is not the most pleasant thing to live thru.
Trying to fix someone makes me sicker.I had a oldtimer tell me once to pray for the knowledge of God`s will for them and the power to carry it out.He told me to pray that prayer everyday.I did and in less than one week I was feeling better and I saw I was really over reacting.I di dget better and now that situation is cleared up.

shaun00 · 11-13-2010, 04:02 PM

Praying to god and just doing your best is great.
Attempting to be god is not so great.....

My daughter has a situation with a current boyfriend....my daughter is 8.5 months pregnant.

I do my best to support....i pray for her.......and then i stand out of the way.
Outcomes are not my remit......
I try not to mix it up with a helping of my ego and my "justice"..

If i said it was easy id be lying......its not....
Part of me still wants to tear peoples heads off...

But i have years of evidence of a life run completely on my will......and it isnt pretty.

Do your best and leave the rest..............goodluck

Kjell · 11-13-2010, 04:09 PM

Hi Julez-

First off - GREAT attitude about AA and the steps (esp step 3). You are already miles ahead for only being in a short time. Kudos to you.

It's going to take time and practice to live within the principles of AA. It certainly didn't happen overnight for me and I'm almost done (only step 12 to go) and darn near 1 year sober. Instead, it's been a process and some days I do a lot better than others.

The peace and serenity I receive from living within the AA principles ebbs and flows, ususally has a lot to do with my own participation in my own recovery (basically, how much work I'm putting in), but I'm more consistant for sure now than I was when I first started.

keithj · 11-15-2010, 11:11 AM

Step 3 is a formal decision. Like it says in the BB, though our decision was crucial, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed up by a course of vigorous action to identify and be rid of the things which had been blocking us. Or something like that.

I can wish to stop playing God all I want, it doesn't mean I'm able to stop playing God. My decision had to be followed up with action to form a conscious contact with that power to guide my life.

The best thing you can do for your daughter, and the only way to carry out the Step 3 decision, is to get going on Step 4. By the end of this process, you'll know how to stop running the show.

Charmie · 11-15-2010, 12:31 PM

absolutely what keith said! i had no idea what or who or anything i was handing my will and my life over to...until very quickly i set out on a vigorous course of action...step 4 in where i could see where my instincts were out of control which led to my defects...but then step 5 where more truth was revealed when i shared with God and another human the "exact nature" of my wrongs....i will still trying to justify etc.but when i sat down with my sponsor and found out the truth i then knew what it was i was handing over.i could see very clearly things that then became objectionable.

julez · 11-15-2010, 05:44 PM

I'm doing my 4th step now. Whew what a lot of work! After listening to an audio I downloaded with Joe and Charlie discussing it, I've got a much better handle on how to get it done..
Thanks everyone!
xoxo

Maryjan · 01-17-2011, 06:42 AM

This is the exact problem I was looking for guidance about! I am ready to hand my life over, but am so scared to trust God's will for my children. The fear is at my very core, and I am praying to find a better way. It is so tiring to control the world (joke)! Thanks for this thread, Julez.

11-13-2010, 12:19 PM	#1 (permalink)
julez Grateful Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: MI Posts: 1,080	A mom with a problem... Hello~ I am having an internal struggle that I hope someone can help me with. I have just started AA, and I am really excited about starting my step work. I've gotten to step 3, and I can honestly say that in regard to everything else, I am ready willing and able to turn my will and my life over to God. When I started this journey, it occurred to me that while I wanted help with my alcoholism, I also wanted that spiritual awakening, and the inner peace that the steps can bring me. Basically, as I have spoken of before, I have a troubled teen daughter. She's in therapy, on medication, but is resistant to treatment in that the medications that have been tried on her, aren't really doing their job. We are still looking for her diagnosis, but it has already been established that she has PTSD. I want to turn it over to God. I want to sit quietly and listen to His plan for her and her future. But I CAN'T. My mothering instincts are taking control. I worry to the point I'm sick. I'm exhausted trying to think of different ways to help her. As her mom, its my job to give her consequences, and try to control her behavior by setting limits. But isn't that going against Step 3? Wheres the happy medium? Is there one? Should I really accept the fact that she will be who she will be? Now let me tell you that all her school counselors, and her therapist have all said that I'm doing all I can, and that its up to her now to care about her future. Sorry this is so long. I'm just a worried, confused mommy who loves her pain in the butt daughter. I need to work on myself, but by doing that, do I have to let her go?? Please help.

11-13-2010, 12:47 PM	#2 (permalink)
*Freedom1990* Community Greeter Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Kansas Posts: 10,058	It's difficult with a teenager in the home, let alone a troubled teen. I went through that with both of my daughters (10 years apart). All you can do is establish boundaries in your home, and enforce them. Worrying to the point of being sick does nothing but wear you down, hon. I know for me, I have had to hit many bottoms in codependency before I was willing to let go and let God. Parenting two daughters was no exception. The difference between God's will and mine is that my will hurts. God has brought you this far. He isn't going to let you down now. __________________ DeVon & the Zoo Crew ‎An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it. --Orlando A. Battista

11-13-2010, 04:09 PM	#6 (permalink)
Kjell i've done my almost Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Atlanta, GA Posts: 1,919 Blog Entries: 1	Hi Julez- First off - GREAT attitude about AA and the steps (esp step 3). You are already miles ahead for only being in a short time. Kudos to you. It's going to take time and practice to live within the principles of AA. It certainly didn't happen overnight for me and I'm almost done (only step 12 to go) and darn near 1 year sober. Instead, it's been a process and some days I do a lot better than others. The peace and serenity I receive from living within the AA principles ebbs and flows, ususally has a lot to do with my own participation in my own recovery (basically, how much work I'm putting in), but I'm more consistant for sure now than I was when I first started. __________________ B/c alcohol did for me what I could not do for myself.

11-15-2010, 12:31 PM	#8 (permalink)
Charmie Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: scotland Posts: 1,447	absolutely what keith said! i had no idea what or who or anything i was handing my will and my life over to...until very quickly i set out on a vigorous course of action...step 4 in where i could see where my instincts were out of control which led to my defects...but then step 5 where more truth was revealed when i shared with God and another human the "exact nature" of my wrongs....i will still trying to justify etc.but when i sat down with my sponsor and found out the truth i then knew what it was i was handing over.i could see very clearly things that then became objectionable. __________________ Rarely have we seen a person fail,that has thoroughly followed our path....... BB-1st. Edition.

11-13-2010, 01:53 PM	#3 (permalink)
pongo Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Bethlehem, PA Posts: 84	I have constructive thoughts to offer, but first I'll say that I, too, have a child with emotional/behavioral issues. He is 9, has been in therapy for three years and is now (finally,) on medication. His present dx is anxiety and depression. Acknowledging that God is manifest in every situation does not mean that you sit back and wait to see what God will do. It means that you actively participate and seek to follow God's will. It is erroneous to think that you can control your daughter's behavior. You can only control your response to it. You have the responsibility to discipline her and to love her, but you cannot and will not control her. Giving her consequences and guidance does not go against what God expects of parents, but worrying yourself sick is going to make you less effective as a role model. When you say you "can't" turn this situation over to God, I read it as you "won't" do so. In my case, I decided that God was a much better problem solver than I, and I have endeavored at all times to discern His will and implement it in my son's life. Have I met with obstacles and self doubt? You bet! At times I am tempted to want to take over and do what I think is best. Once you lay it at the feet of God the struggle is to not pick it back up again. Do not let your daughter go, but continually point her toward God's will. Pray for her. I had a revelation a few months ago that I would personally take responsibility for my son's mental health problems. What I mean is that I choose to see this as an opportunity for me to weed out the sin in my life, to grow closer to God, to become a non-anxious presence in my son's life by opening myself up to God. No, I did not cause his problems and there is no fault to be placed. But as his parent, as an adult, as his spiritual guide, as his teacher, I choose to make his problem mine. I seek to find God's will for his healing and for mine. I consider all selfishness and anger on my part to be sinful attitudes that destroy my ability to really listen to God. I'm no where near where I want to be in this regard, and my son still struggles, but I do have a goal. You're a good mom. Keep it up!

11-13-2010, 03:31 PM	#4 (permalink)
Tommyh Member Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 18,953	Julez I suggest you keep focusing on taking the steps and learning to live those principles in your life daily.My sponsor says I am to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and others.Taking care of our self in the process. Now we can do only so much,and if our children will not let us do what we are supposed to do,or want to have it their way,then we can only do a little.I have a son who is in a situation and I feel a lot like what you wrote about. I did not cause him to do what he does,I cannot control him,and I sure cannot fix him,so I just try to be of service in a good positive way which sometimes is not the most pleasant thing to live thru. Trying to fix someone makes me sicker.I had a oldtimer tell me once to pray for the knowledge of God`s will for them and the power to carry it out.He told me to pray that prayer everyday.I did and in less than one week I was feeling better and I saw I was really over reacting.I di dget better and now that situation is cleared up.

11-13-2010, 04:02 PM	#5 (permalink)
shaun00 Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: uk Posts: 2,506	Praying to god and just doing your best is great. Attempting to be god is not so great..... My daughter has a situation with a current boyfriend....my daughter is 8.5 months pregnant. I do my best to support....i pray for her.......and then i stand out of the way. Outcomes are not my remit...... I try not to mix it up with a helping of my ego and my "justice".. If i said it was easy id be lying......its not.... Part of me still wants to tear peoples heads off... But i have years of evidence of a life run completely on my will......and it isnt pretty. Do your best and leave the rest..............goodluck

11-15-2010, 11:11 AM	#7 (permalink)
keithj Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 2,763	Step 3 is a formal decision. Like it says in the BB, though our decision was crucial, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed up by a course of vigorous action to identify and be rid of the things which had been blocking us. Or something like that. I can wish to stop playing God all I want, it doesn't mean I'm able to stop playing God. My decision had to be followed up with action to form a conscious contact with that power to guide my life. The best thing you can do for your daughter, and the only way to carry out the Step 3 decision, is to get going on Step 4. By the end of this process, you'll know how to stop running the show.

11-15-2010, 05:44 PM	#9 (permalink)
julez Grateful Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: MI Posts: 1,080	I'm doing my 4th step now. Whew what a lot of work! After listening to an audio I downloaded with Joe and Charlie discussing it, I've got a much better handle on how to get it done.. Thanks everyone! xoxo

01-17-2011, 06:42 AM	#10 (permalink)
Maryjan Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 788	This is the exact problem I was looking for guidance about! I am ready to hand my life over, but am so scared to trust God's will for my children. The fear is at my very core, and I am praying to find a better way. It is so tiring to control the world (joke)! Thanks for this thread, Julez.

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