Do I believe??

[LKKPA]

I have been journaling and am finishing Step 2 which I will go over with my sponsor tomorrow. Two issues came up that I am having difficulty wrapping my mind around...

1) Do I believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity? Absolutely!! Do I believe that I truly want to never drink again...not so sure. You see, my problem here is that my bottom wasn't a very low bottom (thank God as I know it could have been much worse and very likely will be if I ever resume drinking) and I did not lose as much as others although I did temporarily lose my medical license. And this leads into my 2nd issue..

2) I continue to have the thought (and I know this is insane and delusional) that once I am abstinent for a long period of time, do the recovery work and resume working as a medical professional, that I will be able to one day drink like a "normal" person again. This thought above all else is very concerning to me and I know is something that I need to get rid of.

Anyone have experience with similar feelings/thoughts? Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated!!

[CarolD]

Hmm....
I've never considered it normal to drink a toxin.

According to the Center for Disease Control,
22,000 deaths are recorded per year as being alcohol
induced this is excluding accidents and homicides,
on top of that number there is another 13,000 people
who die per year from alcohol related liver diseases.

Also....CDC.....there is no difference in the type
of alcohol consumed. They all damage organs
and brain function....even for non alcoholics.


Why do you think it is?

[LKKPA]

I guess I never considered alcohol as a toxin unless drank in toxic levels...what I was getting at was I continue to have the desire/thought that one day I would be able to enjoy a drink on special occasions like other, non-alcoholic people do every day. Is this possible for some but not for others?? Am I totally out there and suffering from delusional, irrational thoughts and terminal uniqueness??

[Taking5]

Water is fatal if you drink too much of it, but water is not a toxin. Alcohol is a toxin regardless of quantity, but the human body has a certain tolerance too this toxin. Over time (or if you drink too much at once) it will kill you.

In terms of controlling your drinking, here is what the big book of AA has to say:

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

I have seen this play out in the rooms of AA many times, and have had many friends die from alcoholism.

I just wanted you to read this if you hadn't already. If you want to try to control your drinking have at it. If you find yourself back in he same spot we are here for you.

[intention]

Originally Posted by LKKPA

2) I continue to have the thought (and I know this is insane and delusional) that once I am abstinent for a long period of time, do the recovery work and resume working as a medical professional, that I will be able to one day drink like a "normal" person again. This thought above all else is very concerning to me and I know is something that I need to get rid of.

hi

What Step 1 work did you do with your sponsor? Did you look at the exact nature of your problem?....in that you cannot take another drink however long sober you have been.

There is a lot in the book about this in the Dr's opinion and the first 4 chapters. The 5th chapter, p60, starts at Step 3, so if you are doing Step 2, you should have fully understood the preceding chapters.

[NoelleR]

In your first post here, you wrote.....:

"...I continue to have the thought (and I know this is insane and delusional) that once I am abstinent for a long period of time, do the recovery work and resume working as a medical professional, that I will be able to one day drink like a "normal" person again..."

In your second post, you wrote....:

"...I continue to have the desire/thought that one day I would be able to enjoy a drink on special occasions like other, non-alcoholic people do every day..."

and again, back in your first post here.....:

"...This thought above all else is very concerning to me and I know is something that I need to get rid of..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For me, the answer to your question, as to whether you'll be able to return to drinking like a normal/non-alcoholic person, would be...: well, that's an easy one....if you're a non-alcoholic, the answer is yes, of course, you'll be able to return to having the occasional drink, but if you're an alcoholic, then the answer is a resounding NO! .....the choice/decision is up to you.

I'm with intention on this one. I would suggest that you go back to your sponsor and put this question to her, and discuss it thoroughly. It truly does sound as if you have some Step-1 questions/doubts to go over, and possibly, get over. This thinking does kind have an 'insane' ring to it.

Here's hoping you find the answers you need........ (o:


NoelleR

[zbear23]

I identify myself as a recovered alcoholic. Not cured, but recovered, because that conversation ("can I or can't I") no longer occurs in my head. I don't need to choose any more than I need to choose to not drink bleach. It is a non-issue. And, re: the BB of AA, I attribute this to my vigilance in maintaining my spiritual fitness....my only defense against a drink. The obsession left me due to the spiritual awakening (or psychic shift), I experienced as a result of doing the steps. You've barely begun. Be patient with yourself.

Alcohol, besides being toxic (2nd cousin to formaldehyde) is a mood altering substance upon which I became dependent. My recovery has been all about ceasing dependency on outside substances, people and behaviors to regulate my feelings. For me, it's about "a design for living" that simply doesn't include turning my power over to booze...even for a moment.

I wonder.....if you were allergic to strawberries, would you be contemplating the day in the future when you might be able to eat them like normal people?

In Step two I gathered evidence, by observing others, that I could be restored to sanity. This required me to admit I was insane. Why in the world would I trust my own thinking until I was much farther along in recovery? As a medical professional....think about those neural pathways that need to be redirected, and how long that healing might take.

My insanity forever tried (and still does) to convince me that my thinking is completely sane. And sometimes it is. The trick is that I need the help of others to distinguish those two states of mind. I'm usually the last to know when my thinking has gone over the cliff again.

blessings
zbear

[BadCompany]

Originally Posted by LKKPA

I have been journaling and am finishing Step 2 which I will go over with my sponsor tomorrow. Two issues came up that I am having difficulty wrapping my mind around...

1) Do I believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity? Absolutely!! Do I believe that I truly want to never drink again...not so sure. You see, my problem here is that my bottom wasn't a very low bottom (thank God as I know it could have been much worse and very likely will be if I ever resume drinking) and I did not lose as much as others although I did temporarily lose my medical license. And this leads into my 2nd issue..

This talk of "bottoms can get confusing. Your bottom is where you decide it is. If you are waiting for a bottom to come up and give you the motivation to quit for good and all that bottom most likely will be the bottom of a grave.

Originally Posted by LKKPA

2) I continue to have the thought (and I know this is insane and delusional) that once I am abstinent for a long period of time, do the recovery work and resume working as a medical professional, that I will be able to one day drink like a "normal" person again. This thought above all else is very concerning to me and I know is something that I need to get rid of.

This is really a first step issue. The jails and graveyards are full of guys that hit the AA trifecta, they got the car, job and girl back and they hit the door. Quit looking at the drama and look at the disease. This disease is a loss of choice and control in respect to alcohol. Can you quit for good and all on your own and when you do drink can you control it every time. If the answer is no then you have lost choice and control and you have this disease.

[Alike]

Originally Posted by LKKPA

I have been journaling and am finishing Step 2 which I will go over with my sponsor tomorrow. Two issues came up that I am having difficulty wrapping my mind around...

1) Do I believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity? Absolutely!! Do I believe that I truly want to never drink again...not so sure.

This thought above all else is very concerning to me and I know is something that I need to get rid of.

Anyone have experience with similar feelings/thoughts? Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated!!

Came to believe that a Power greater than "OURSELVES" could restore us to sanity.

Ourselves is a big word Abandon is even bigger and scarier - A.A. doesn't ask us nor suggests this they BEG US to be fearless from the very start.

Doing it out of fear? out of conformity? or Trusting in God then cleaning house and giving freely of what you find

There are many substitutions for faith their is no substitution for God not even in a?.

When A.A. says don't do it alone that will depend on not only coming to believe but what we rely on - Step Two you will never be alone again - Seen to many alone in this crowd.

Take a closer look: don't rush and upon careful reading look within

The steps are good yet the Traditions are Great.

Quotes..BB..1st. Edition

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Originally Posted by LKKPA

I have been journaling and am finishing Step 2 which I will go over with my sponsor tomorrow. Two issues came up that I am You see, my problem here is that my bottom wasn't a very low bottom (thank God as I know it could have been much worse and very likely will be if I ever resume drinking) and I did not lose as much as others although I did temporarily lose my medical license. And this leads into my 2nd issue..


Anyone have experience with similar feelings/thoughts? Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated!!

Well, you do have the alcoholic mind.

Many of us have their own personal hell. It was hell that brought me into AA.

Do you really want to drink to the point of insanity like many of us did to hit your low??

That's your disease talking to you. We can go to a meeting and look around at others there and say, I'm not as bad as him or, I'm glad I'm not like her.

The point is, what are you willing to give up to keep drinking?? Cause, you will lose it

[DonaldS]

You can read all about yourself in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, LK. Check out Chapter Three. Nothing unusual going on, standard fare. Besides, it's a "right now" sort of deal. Step Two doesn't say that the Power "has restored" you to sanity--only that the Power "could."

[Taking5]

As my sponsor is fond of saying

There is no step that says "and then we re-gained power over alcohol"

[Charmie]

this is step one stuff......the mental obsession that somehow someday we could drink like normal drinkers....this illusion has to be SMASHED!

[Alike]

“The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. “

“The delusion that we are like other people, “or presently” may be, has to be smashed.”

Sure can get off track fast – If one comes to a path and needs instructions how to follow it - it’s surly not a path it's just another direction.

Quotes..BB..1st. Edition

[LKKPA]

Thanks everyone for all the posts. I have put step 2 on hold for now and am reexamining step 1. I so appreciate all your input and realize that I do need the help of others to recognize the error of my thoughts. I find that I often don't come out openly and honestly with others in my AA meetings and with my sponsor out of fear of looking stupid. I hope you all don't mind the posting of my ignorant questions and difficulties. For now, I will resist the fear of looking stupid, continue to process the steps as clearly as I can and for today I will NOT drink!! Thanks again!!

[ananda]

No problem there...you'r not stupid

I had to surrender some of my fear of looking stupid and stop worrying about others opinions in order to begin the steps...It's still way way easy for me to fall into the fear.

I find that I have to pray a lot to an HP I sometimes don't even believe in to remove my fear..I'm beginning to think fear is the block and possibly really the only one..between me and my HP, my life, and my relationships...

Thanks for your honesty

[Mark75]

See my post in your other thread.

[Alike]

I was freely given LONG AGO the ten commandments to help me intuitively know how to handle situations that baffled me did I have the willingness to take them? NO

I was in the Boy Scouts and was freely given principles to live by to help me intuitively know how to handle situations that baffled me - did I have the willingness to take them ? NO

I am now a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and have been freely give 12 steps to help me intuitively know how to handle situations that baffled me - Do I have the personal willingness to take them ? Or ask someone else again?

We have every thing we need when we walked through the door all we have to do is discover it and going to a sponsor who was not even there I find a little insane but God could and would if sought. Don't do it alone Trust in God then clean house and share freely what you find with anyone or backwards you can trust in someone to tell you what to do then try to clean the house you live in they don't but God does.

[MilesChristoph]

Just a note to "LKKPA's" question: I have been where you are, and after 18 years I still find myself asking the same questions. But today I do have a number of years of practice at not trying to "Intellectualize" God, but just accepting that he or it exists. I had to be careful at the beginning to keep things simple, asking any number of people about what they have found, and pay attention to the little signs in sober life that tell me daily that God has restored me to sanity.

[redneck]

Originally Posted by Charmie

this is step one stuff......the mental obsession that somehow someday we could drink like normal drinkers....this illusion has to be SMASHED!

And the big book also provides a simple method for smashing the illusion.

Page 31.
" step over to the nearest barroom...."
"try it more than once..."

A head full of the steps and a belly full of booze, now thats hell.
Its a beautiful thing.

BB Quotes. 1st. Edition