coffeedrinker

So, perhaps it is obvious already that I've come to visit y'all from the "other side".

We learn all about detaching, and some of us even start to get it after awhile.

Staying on one's own side of the street is a freedom that sometimes feels like a breath of fresh air.

But, I wonder if this concept is addressed very much in the big book.

What can anyone say to me about it? I've been trying to stay out of my BF's recovery, but sometimes it feels like he is badgering me and feels like he thinks I've made up my own version of emotional health.

Thanks, Recovering Community.

Soberwolf

Hi Coffeedrinker this part of the forum is to share your story of alcoholism & recovery for ppl with over a years sobriety

Youl get more replies by posting this in friends and family 12 step support NEW! 12-Step Support for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

sugarbear1

Read the chapters: "Working with Others" p. 89 and "To Wives" p. 104 and maybe "The Family Afterward" p. 122

all address detaching, but without that particular word....

markz

Why dont you read the Big Book and find out what it says about detaching.

Dee74

...or you could answer the question, Markz.

This is a discussion forum after all....

D

tomsteve

In a way it is addressed when working with another alcoholic:
Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. One of our Fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others, who have since recovered, of their chance.

IMO, the chapter " to wives" has suggestions that to me are rather enabling. There's suggestions in there I don't agree with.

anattaboy

The BB addresses detachment quite well in "to wives" and "the family afterwards" by basically saying "leave him alone--he will come around". Lois then founded Al-anon after many years of working 2 jobs till the royalties came in from said book and she did her thing and he did his. So although the word was never used she survived and practiced detachment to the nth degree for a lot of years.

Tommyh

a few words from my sponsor
I am not responsible for their willingness
I am not responsible for their attitude
I cannot fix them

Fly N Buy

Thanks for posting here! Welcome
Others have addressed the spirit of "detachment" used in the Big Book to an extent, but I will make a couple of observations as well.

From my story, I was detached from everyone when I drank. Very self centered and disengaged from loved ones and society. It was the essence of a feeling to being detached. I was the guy wearing the black tuxedo with the brown shoes.

We learn to also stay on and clean up only our side of the street. I need to be certain my broom isn't shoved so far under your porch I can't even see the handle.
Of course in this process is step nine - amends.

I am not sure if this is really on topic of your question, but these thoughts came to mind and perhaps may help someone.

Thanks for the thread

Gottalife

Page 67 comes to mind. "When a person offended we said to ourselves this is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him. God save me from being angry. Thy will be done"

It worked then, it works now.

agnesmildred

I am new and trying to figure out where I belong in the space? My daughters are both heroine addicts. One is fresh out of rehab after 2 weeks and in recovery house for 2 days. The other is still lying and stealing to get her drugs. Can you guide me to the right forum please?

keithj

agnesmildred,

This might be a good starting point.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

mick3580

There are lots of topics that the big book does not cover. For many that have read the book and practice it's design for living, the answer becomes apparent. At least, it has in my case. If the big book does not address detachment, that is because the book addresses having a spiritual awakening that tends to straighten most other things out. In other words, have a spiritual awakening and you likely won't struggle with detachment. Your reaction to life itself will change and the appropriate response to others craziness will become automatic. If you can use the steps to maintain that awakening, then detachment will remain automatic and intuitive.

skg

If you want actual quotes from the text I'm sure some big booker will find them, but it has been my experience that the addiction side of AA actually promotes re-engaging in relationships to set them right.

"When an alcoholic eliminates the allergy problem by removing the alcohol, he or she then faces the same problem as the Al-Anon member, that of not allowing others to determine how they feel. Of course, it only happens to people willing to give up their emotional independence, and unwilling to reclaim it. Dr. Paul O., You Can't Make Me Angry, pp 31." Dr. Paul O. is responsible for the story, "Acceptance Was The Answer," starting on pp 407, 4th Edition.

We alcoholics are egomaniacs with inferiority complexes, and at any given top we want to be on top of the heap, or we are nowhere to be found. It's evident in relationships, in the rooms, in these forums, and in our own minds. Practicing a set of spiritual principles seems to address this FEAR, but (as with most of AA suggestions), this that is contingent on our spiritual condition. And that's a daily crap-shoot for those who don't continually yield of their Selves.

The simple realization that I want to fix everything to my (non-) satisfaction is an ever present telling that I cross the God line.

Step12

Well first things first if you're getting healthy and he's not he's going to try to keep you down with him. You have to let him know firmly that you must detach yourself from his recovery. People that have been sober a long time and remain married he not play in each other sandbox so to speak. I highly recommend your finding your own woman's meeting and encourage him to find a man's meeting I wouldn't discuss discuss recovery at home. If he is unable to do those things then you need him to lease talk to his sponsor about it. Now here comes the detachment. You have to put your sobriety first or else you have no relationship. You have to quit enabling him because every time you fight with him or allow him to bring you down when you should be reading the literature then you're selling yourself somewhat short the first year is very difficult especially if you have to deal with somebody who's not getting into the same kind of recovery. But that is his business! If you're busy trying to control what he's doing when you're not working on yourself because I and and pray for him do not judge you have to detach yourself from things that he says and continue doing what you're doing. You must continue to reach out. Please do read the family afterword I think that that will help you instead of the word wife which by the way Bill wrote that not his wife. You can put yourself in that position you might have to detach yourself from your own issue as you read

WMJ1012

To expand a bit on what a few others here have said, a lot of good old fashioned Alanon meetings can help.
But also, there are many Alanons today who are actually working through. The program of recovery, using the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's because while our symptoms can differ, it's really all the same disease.

It takes a little practice to see the Book through a set of Alanon eyes but it's all the same malady. The self-seeking is a little different.

In all cases no matter what the overarching issue is, the BB says everything, but it doesn't explain a lot. This is where a real experienced sponsor comes in.

The solution for detachment is in every step and all over the Book.

zombob

That is a fairly recent term tho I believe Lois embodied the actions of it by forming al-anon. Bill was not a de---more of an a.