Yes, I am powerless

[ontherightpath]

Hi, I'm Sarah and I am an alcoholic. I am powerless over alcohol. I drink in excess and say things I don't mean and hurt people I don't mean to hurt and usually pass out, wherever I am. I always make it home and wake up the next morning with huge guilt and horrible remorse. I generally would love to stay in bed under the covers, afraid to face the world, but I get up and do it with a head full of shame. This is not manageable for me, anymore. In fact it never really was. I have apologized to my husband and kids numerous times. I have cried. Lashed out and sugar coated every situation to make myself feel better. Alcohol makes me selfish and insecure and I just refuse to do this anymore. I am currently on day 2. I have been here several times. I seem to not have a problem stringing days together, it's just keeping them that way. I went back to aa and I have a sponsor, who would like me to do 90/90. Well my work schedule isn't going to allow that, at least this week anyways, so I will be here, also reading the 12&12 and beyond the influence. I am grateful that I found my way back here to SR. Now, keeping step 1 in mind, it's time to move to step 2.

[langkah]

Sarah, a few more things to conside and decide for yourself:

Under what circumstances would another drink be ok (getting a phone call a loved one was killed on the road, if you stayed sober 14 1/2 years, when you retire, if you were diagnosed with something fatal...)?

Which specific times in your past did you decide to have a couple and what happened then (how did the allergy express itself)? What indicates to you that will never change?

What does alcohol do for you and why did you have to drink when you decided not to?

Why can't you use dope, since it isn't alcohol?

What is bodily and what is mentally different about an alcoholic as opposed to a non-alcoholics? Might you someday become less alcoholic if you don't drink? Why do people relapse who really want to stay sober?

If someone were to say 'Are you a drunk?', what is your intial reaction to that?

What plans did you make for yourself (education, career, relationship, financial, friends) and how did those good plans work out? What indicates to you your life is unmanageable? If you tried really hard to make something happen, did it work out as planned with all parties as happy as you wished?

Do you have any chance of fixing yourself? Can other people be of any help to make this problem lessen or go away? What about things that cloud your experience with reality and make not drinking easy-peasy...why wouldn't that be a good thing instead of facing this head on without any buffers?

Some people can make a snap decision and not drink anymore. What does that mean to you, and why can they do what you cannot do?

I think you should have these questions answered before going into Step 2, but defer to your sponsor if she says different.

[PaperDolls]

Congrats on your new journey.

I was able to get sober lots of times. Staying sober was another story. They only way I've achieved that so far is AA, my sponsor and working the steps. It really has changed my life. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better ..... but it always gets better.

Glad you're here.

[camedown]

Originally Posted by langkah

Sarah, a few more things to conside and decide for yourself:

Under what circumstances would another drink be ok (getting a phone call a loved one was killed on the road, if you stayed sober 14 1/2 years, when you retire, if you were diagnosed with something fatal...)?

Which specific times in your past did you decide to have a couple and what happened then (how did the allergy express itself)? What indicates to you that will never change?

What does alcohol do for you and why did you have to drink when you decided not to?

Why can't you use dope, since it isn't alcohol?

What is bodily and what is mentally different about an alcoholic as opposed to a non-alcoholics? Might you someday become less alcoholic if you don't drink? Why do people relapse who really want to stay sober?

If someone were to say 'Are you a drunk?', what is your intial reaction to that?

What plans did you make for yourself (education, career, relationship, financial, friends) and how did those good plans work out? What indicates to you your life is unmanageable? If you tried really hard to make something happen, did it work out as planned with all parties as happy as you wished?

Do you have any chance of fixing yourself? Can other people be of any help to make this problem lessen or go away? What about things that cloud your experience with reality and make not drinking easy-peasy...why wouldn't that be a good thing instead of facing this head on without any buffers?

Some people can make a snap decision and not drink anymore. What does that mean to you, and why can they do what you cannot do?

I think you should have these questions answered before going into Step 2, but defer to your sponsor if she says different.

That's a great list of questions. Do you have a source for this, I'm always looking for new reading material. And if this is your own wisdom, then thank you.

[ontherightpath]

Thank you Lang, very interesting and thought provoking. Probably questions that my sponsor is not going to ask me, because she thinks she already knows the answers.
Truth is this: I have to say that using alcohol to escape a situation, either good or bad is never an answer. The right answer to your first question would be never, however, I do believe that anticipation is mostly what made me turn to alcohol in the first place, so I am living in the moment and keeping this simple. I refuse to make things more complex by worrying about future reactions to things I have no control over. I have control over me, and what I don't have control over, my higher power does. 2. There were plenty of times I said only a couple and stuck with it. There are also plenty of times I didn't and got bombed! I know the outcome, I realize that I am not going to get a different reaction than n the past. Play the tapes thru to the end and never forget the desperation and shame and hurt and anxiety that I felt. For as much as I don't remember while drinking in the past, I do remember the next day and the feelings I had and the self hatred, a place I never want to revisit...EVER! 3. In the beginning, it made me a fun party girl, dance, sing karaoke, it was euphoric. In the most recent years, it has drivien me into a depression. It has made me hate myself for my loss of control. It has made me hate my life, my husband, my job. It has drowned me in feelings that I don't want to feel. That's why I would just drink again, to numb those feelings. But the feelings aren't there without the drinks. I love my jobs, my husband, my life. It has made me believe that I am not good enough for anything or anyone. That I am basically worthless, but I know better than that. Alcohol has made me believe things about myself that are not true, drug me into despair And then fool me into thinking that taking another drink would turn those thoughts around, when infant, it just made the cut deeper. 4. I don't like dope--weed is the only dope I have tried. I just don't like it, don't want it. Pills or other drugs, I am far too scared to ever try. Not even an option. Alcohol is legal. I don't do illegal things 5.i suppose in bodily terms, there is the physical addiction. Fortunately I am not physically addicted. I don't get physical withdrawals.mentally, it's an obsession. It's the addictive voice that has told me, that it will be ok.no, I don't believe I'll be less alcoholic at any point. I believe, possibly, that I have alcohol related hypoglycemia. And I can't speak for others about relapse, but for me, I have relapsed in the past, because I honestly just didn't care. If no one around me was gonna harp on me, then who am I doing this for? I now realize, that this is for me. This is for my life, and for the chance that my higher power has given me. 6. Of course my initial reaction is no. But I know in my head and heart, that yep, I am a drunk. I used to be hopeLESS, but now I am hopeFUL!! 7.i have an 18 year career as a stylist. I have never lost a job, I have a successful marriage and two kids. NOTHING like I planned. I was going to move to the city and take over the world, but fortunately, I met my husband we created our life together 10 years ago. I wouldn't trade what I have for a year in the city, let alone a lifetime. Both of my parents are deceased, and my family is all I have. 8. I have a fantastic chance at fixing myself, and yes with the help of others and my higher power. I need accountability, I don't always love it, but I need it. I also need to pray and be grateful. Facing Riley head on is not always fun, but neither is drowning yourself in a bottle. My emotional roller coaster was on a huge low from drinking lately, and that made every other are of my life falter. I am. It blind to this. I saw it, I felt it, I lived it. Its no way to live. Avoidance only prolongs the initial situation and drinking adds to it. 9. Some people can do that. It doesn't mean that they are dealing with their issues or growing along spiritual lines. It just means that they aren't drinking. I am looking for personal growth. I am looking for a whole shift in my lifestyle. I can make the snap decision to not drink. Big deal, then I'm just a dry drunk heading for a sober bottom. For me, this goes far beyond the drink. And in the past I have given up because I just didn't care or didn't deal with things like I should have. I still will get mad, but if I can change my control issues and work on being a better person, then I am growing and that is, to me, what this is all about.

I appreciate you throwing these things out there, and I am not sure if you wanted me to answer them, but I did. I was honest. I am trying to not anticipate events. I am working on me, one day, one hour, one minute at a time. And that, my friend, is all I can promise. Have a great day!

[langkah]

The BB advises us to probe for any type of lingering reservations...those are the types of questions I ask someone when they are taking the first step. I think the process of understanding this step goes on for years, but it's good to examine and extract everything we can before continuing to the 2nd step.

Nothing like a good probe.

[ontherightpath]

I agree with you Lang. Each time I read the first step, it poses another question. I don't want to rush the steps, but I have a great idea about powerlessness, and I can't get hung up on it, for the rest of my life. Buti can certainly revisit it and learn more with each phase of my recovery. Thank you again. I sure hope you are here to probe me along the way!

[keithj]

Originally Posted by ontherightpath

I seem to not have a problem stringing days together, it's just keeping them that way.

I've learned it's not wise to sit in Step 1 for very long. However, it's even less wise to not take Step 1 thoroughly.

So, ontherightpath, why is it that you, who has decided to stop drinking for good and all, picks up that first drink after a short time of sobriety? That's a basic Step 1 question. The Dr.'s Opinion makes this observation, that alcoholics continue this cycle of 'get sober/get drunk' over and over. People like this are doomed, and there is little hope of their recovery unless they can have a spiritual awakening.

From about page 22 through Chapter 3, the BB lays out the experience of 'mental obsession', dealing with the main problem that centers in our mind.
The conclusion of all of this is that the real alcoholic is right and truly screwed when it comes to not taking the first drink. My experience was full of this. I simply lacked the power to not pick up.

So if drinking is killing me, and I can't not drink, what am I going to do?

[Veritas1]

Originally Posted by ontherightpath

Hi, I'm Sarah and I am an alcoholic. I am powerless over alcohol. I drink in excess and say things I don't mean and hurt people I don't mean to hurt and usually pass out, wherever I am. I always make it home and wake up the next morning with huge guilt and horrible remorse. I generally would love to stay in bed under the covers, afraid to face the world, but I get up and do it with a head full of shame. This is not manageable for me, anymore. In fact it never really was. I have apologized to my husband and kids numerous times. I have cried. Lashed out and sugar coated every situation to make myself feel better. Alcohol makes me selfish and insecure and I just refuse to do this anymore. I am currently on day 2. I have been here several times. I seem to not have a problem stringing days together, it's just keeping them that way. I went back to aa and I have a sponsor, who would like me to do 90/90. Well my work schedule isn't going to allow that, at least this week anyways, so I will be here, also reading the 12&12 and beyond the influence. I am grateful that I found my way back here to SR. Now, keeping step 1 in mind, it's time to move to step 2.

Sounds like a good plan. I would tweak it a little.

Save the 12 and 12, and beyond the influence for later.

Concentrate on the Big Book, and learning what it means to be an alcoholic.

Hint. It's not about control.

You write in your first sentence that you are powerless, followed by an example...I drink in excess.

I heard a speaker once that said people will say they are powerless over alcohol always followed by a reason such as this.

I am powerless over alcohol, because I drink in excess. When I drink - I drink too much. I hurt people around me....that's what makes me an alcoholic.

I can't control my drinking and I ruin things.

He said, that is not what makes us alcoholic. Those things are a result of being an alcoholic.

Do you know what it is about you that makes you alcoholic?

Has your sponsor taken you through the book, through the Doctor's Opinion word for word, together?

You have a sponsor who would like you to do 90/90.

Is this sponsor willing to work with you in the book one on one to get a good foundation in addition to a focus on meetings?

Consider the question: What makes you an alcoholic?

Write out your answer. It's alright if you get it wrong. I did!

This speaker was amazed that all these people would say they were alcoholic, but couldn't answer the question as to what made them alcoholic.

He said it's the people that never understood step one, that relapse. I am recalling from memory. I will try to find a link to share of this talk I heard later on.

[Veritas1]

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