shaun00....step 1

[shaun00]

Hey, my names shaun, and im an un-recovered alcoholic, which to me means, i think and act like a drunk mostly...I have 11 years of continuous sobriety..probably nine of those where happy joyous and free....the last 2 or there abouts have been ,at best uncomfortable at the beginning and unbelievably agonising at today.....i have reached my ultimate sober bottom and have recently wished for the courage to end my life....crippled by fears and a feeling of utter uselessness.....i become disconnect from god and played god.

So from today....IT ENDS......and boy oh boy am i ready to re-connect.

Ive made a decision to start from the beginning STEP ONE.....I get a feeling in my gut that no stone much be left without a long hard look....probably driven by another fear.....but hell ...lets use it to my advantage.

Please feel free to post your experience with this step...and your perceptions.
In fact .......DO post your experience with any of the steps im about to work.
I have invited some dear friends from SR to share their experience with me...so i can once again recover.....i have ask them to be hard hitting....i am a very straight forward guy..... please don't dress up feedback in a "frilly dress" for me with hugs and kisses....stark truths will take my fingers out my ears.

It is my greatest wish that someone else will get connected from this exercise too.......
I have my Book ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS which contains ALL the direction i need.......i have a huge amount of coffee....and a mountain of cigarettes...
and my new sponsor is here at 1930 GMT........
Shortly i will be starting posting my experience and thoughts around step 1..

shaun.

[suki44883]

Welcome back!!! You have been missed!

[WakeUp]

Let 'er rip Shaun, I'm ready for ya.

[shaun00]

STEP ONE SAYS...We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -that our lives had become unmanageable.

I remember thinking i quite like this step, it talks of alcohol, i guess in the beginning its all i was capable of talking about...not hugely comfortable with admitting anything......i was vaguely aware that something happened when i picked up a drink...i can remember coming out of jail or hospital and thinking, at last i can have another chance of drinking like proper men do, alcohol had been removed for a week , maybe a few months...through institutions of some sort...
I wanted to be the guy that had the wife the kids and just stopped by for a few beers once a week.....I can honestly say, i dont ever remember my drinking being anything like that.

Sure, i would be totally convinced that this time.....being dry for a few weeks/months......id be the cool guy, the 3 beers a week guy....if he can do it so can i .

My actual of experience of what happens when i drink, is way way different from the ideal id created of "cool guy".
Those first few gulps........that sigh of relief as it gets working in my blood stream....i walk away from the bar to sit down and probably a third of that pint has gone before my butt hits the seat.
I might even pick up the newspaper just to look like mr cool....but already my mind is pre-occupied with how much money i have....and ......Oh man this is just liquid nectar.

Im already up and at the bar again.......never even took in what id just read on the front page of that newspaper......
I feel thirstier now than when i walked in......my shoulders be begin to droop..life feels complete.....I HAVE ARRIVED .......no body else in this place has been back up to the bar yet...but im already on my 4th.
Sod this place.....im off to do some real drinking.....and have some fun...
Im off......probably jump in my car and hit town.
Mr cool has been left behind.....im now a loose cannon....this evening will be lost in my memory as i disappear into black....if im lucky ill wake up in my bed...mostly in someone elses.....sometimes in jail.......

where the hell did mr cool go........so my experience tells me something happens when i pick up a drink and physically take alcohol into my system.
why is that ??........

[shaun00]

first time my sponsor said i could recover , i kinda chuckled....thinking id recovered loads of times buddie......been dry loads of times.
At this point we dive into the doctors opinion...ive always had a reasonable respect for doctors....a doctor that works with drunks wrote it so at the very least its worth reading right? lol.

[24hrsAday]

Originally Posted by shaun00

STEP ONE SAYS...We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -that our lives had become unmanageable.

I remember thinking i quite like this step, it talks of alcohol, i guess in the beginning its all i was capable of talking about...not hugely comfortable with admitting anything......i was vaguely aware that something happened when i picked up a drink...i can remember coming out of jail or hospital and thinking, at last i can have another chance of drinking like proper men do, alcohol had been removed for a week , maybe a few months...through institutions of some sort...
I wanted to be the guy that had the wife the kids and just stopped by for a few beers once a week.....I can honestly say, i dont ever remember my drinking being anything like that.

Sure, i would be totally convinced that this time.....being dry for a few weeks/months......id be the cool guy, the 3 beers a week guy....if he can do it so can i .

My actual of experience of what happens when i drink, is way way different from the ideal id created of "cool guy".
Those first few gulps........that sigh of relief as it gets working in my blood stream....i walk away from the bar to sit down and probably a third of that pint has gone before my butt hits the seat.
I might even pick up the newspaper just to look like mr cool....but already my mind is pre-occupied with how much money i have....and ......Oh man this is just liquid nectar.

Im already up and at the bar again.......never even took in what id just read on the front page of that newspaper......
I feel thirstier now than when i walked in......my shoulders be begin to droop..life feels complete.....I HAVE ARRIVED .......no body else in this place has been back up to the bar yet...but im already on my 4th.
Sod this place.....im off to do some real drinking.....and have some fun...
Im off......probably jump in my car and hit town.
Mr cool has been left behind.....im now a loose cannon....this evening will be lost in my memory as i disappear into black....if im lucky ill wake up in my bed...mostly in someone elses.....sometimes in jail.......

where the hell did mr cool go........so my experience tells me something happens when i pick up a drink and physically take alcohol into my system.
why is that ??........

a Loose cannon yes. i can Totally relate to that. Mr. cool (in my own mind) i was a sophisticated drunk. i would drink until i collapsed and busted up someones table or something. all with the very best intentions.. this time i don't make an ass out of myself. LOL!

[shaun00]

I remember being totally shocked....an allergy !!!!........surely not.....no rashes...no feeling sick.??.....wtf.......

At this point my then sponsor and i shared some drinking experiences with each other....instances of times i was convinced i could control my intake....in fact with reflection...i was ALWAYS CONVINCED i could control my intake...i just liked a beer right..
So big shot........how come mr cool walks into the bar every-time convinced he can drink like a gentleman.....and falls out 2 hours later, sh1t faced...?
Is it conceivable that something strange happens when you system receives alcohol.....AND more importantly instead of a rash or a sick feeling...you get a manifestation of this allergy in the form of a "need" to drink more ?.......the more you drink the firmer roots this allergy put down.

i could never really understand my drinking buddies......we all pile into the pub
drink like lunatics for 2 pints....then they would begin to slow.....for me it was the opposite...i drank faster.....

i see it.......i was different.....something very odd happened when i drank....and this doctor calls it an allergy....my god.!!!......And to make matters worse this doc is now telling me....if i have this allergy , im actually in a class called "chronic alcoholic"....!!
yeah but i have the information now right.....?.....sod the rest of the book, ill just take that information and not drink.......easy right ?
Id be interested to here your experience with "the allergy"....??

[shaun00]

Sponsor here...ill be back later.

[wellwisher]

Hi Shaun...nice to meet you.

I am an alcoholic with seventeen years of sobriety under my belt, and I recovered through the AA program. It took me about fourteen years to transition from spirtually safe ground to the slippery slope of control, self-protection and self-will. Suffice it to say, I experienced the same crisis as you. I am still working on it, and have learned enough to know I have to keep working on it.

I have no desire to drink. Alcoholism has impacted my life in so many ways. I lost my brother to alcohol-induced liver cancer when he was 34. My parents were tortured by it. My immediate family was negatively impacted by it'; even those siblings that never picked up a drink. Extended family still suffers from it, and the impact on their children makes my heart ache. I hate alcohol and all it represents. I grieve for those who still suffer.

No, for me, it is not about living alcohol free. Been there, done that. It is about being where I was - spirtually fit and living a purposeful life - that inspires me to write here.

I believe in this program. It took me a long time to get where I was at, but that, my friend, was the lesson in all of it. I will continue to learn. I will continue the work, I will continue to try to grasp all that I have experienced in applying the steps and principles of AA.

You were meant to post here, and I was meant to see it.

I will walk with you.

[DayTrader]

No kid gloves Shaun.... I know you can take it and I, like you, believe that's what you need .... that's precisely what I'd want if I were in your shoes. And just for the record, I've been there (at 2 yrs, not 11) and so have most of my favorite ppl in AA. Every one of em got their ass on fire somewhere "deep" into sobriety and for every one of them, it was another of those horribly wonderful experiences.

BTW, "un-recovered alcoholic" just about made me spit coffee on my computer...lol.

That said, I bet you feel you fu*ked up in working the program. You probably did....and that was the best you could do. So what.... let it go. (it seems you have) I'm also pretty sure that there were some pretty legitimate issues going on in your life when this whole thing started......and I bet they'll turn out to be awesome tools that were used to help get you reeeally willing to get back in contact with Him. IMO, it's also further proof that feeling recovered or not, feeling totally in and connected with God and the program like you were at 9 years+/- we still can screw up and can't even work a simple program of 12 steps perfectly all the time. Paradoxically, it seems that the decisions (if they were decisions and not the results of being driven) you made that got you butt in a sling came from a position of being/feeling "recovered, connected, and working the program correctly with 9yrs experience" whereas now, you're feeling like crap but you're actually taking more corrective actions from THIS position than you were back 2 yrs ago. heh....so which position really indicates a sober mind? The one that feels better or the one that's making smarter decisions? I could argue you're more recovered in this instant than you were at 9 yrs - and yes, I hope your ego hates that one. LOL

Of course, there's the silver lining that it's always through tearing down that we get closer to God. That our spirituality usually grows through subtracting that which is not spiritual vs trying to add to our spirituality. This experience has already forced you to dismantle some old thinking...and it will surely require more. As they say down south, "Yer fixin' to do some growin' bubba!"

I'll try to keep my typical regurgitation of Mark H, Joe H, Don P, Bob D, Don M, etc etc etc speakers off my posts. You've heard all their talks anyway. I'll try to post from current experiences and from my heart rather than from my head (that's a toughie....sometimes).

xoxo.

(sorry, I was typing this as you were posting your allergy question....I'll get on that one when I can).

[WakeUp]

The physical allergy. I would say to myself, "There's nothing wrong with drinking, just don't drink so much!" Well, it always turn into so much. I get a six pack of some fancy ale. I'll just have a few. I go to the refridgerator for another one( yeat, just drink drink so much), and there's two left! What?!?!?

[Music]

Two key words in step one. Powerless and Unmanagable.
My first drunk started out with one beer and ended some time later after many more. I was drunk, embarrassed for my folks to see me, threw up in bed, was hung over the next day...etc. Every time I drank the same routine was repeated. Always started with one, with or without a promise to not drink more.

My life wasn't all that unmanagable at first. By the time I came to AA everything was out of whack. There wasn't a speck of my life alcohol hadn't touched and made not only unmanagable but uncontrolable. I was maintenance drinking and and some stage of drunkeness every day.

I can't ever allow myself to forget how this disease lies in waiting for me to make the mistake of thinking I'm cured.

[Sugah]

I'm not a hard ass, shaun, even though I have the reputation in my neck of the woods as a "no-nonsense" sponsor. That, I don't get. I don't kick anyone's ass--just tell them how my alcoholism kicked my ass and maybe (if they're willing) help them see how they've had their own asses kicked. So, here's my first step experience.

I took the first step before I was chemically sober. I remember it. It was a moment of complete defeat, the wind knocked out of me, any illusion that I could get up and keep going on my own power gone. It was both awful and wonderful at the same time: awful because the fight in me was gone, and that's who I thought I was (a fighter); and wonderful, because for the first time in my memory, I had the tiniest moment of peace without alcohol or one of the many substitutes I used for alcohol.

I later did some more formal step one work with my sponsor. None of it was written. It happened on the telephone and in my living room where she'd come "for an hour or so" and leave five, six, or seven hours later. We'd talk. She'd share her experience with me, and I'd come back with my own experience--the same experience with slightly different details. After we "completed" each step, she'd say, "Now you have a tool to use. Practice using it every day."

These days, my first step is a short cut to peace. If I feel myself starting to get wound up about something, all I have to do is take a deep breath and take the first step. The more I've practiced, the more quickly the peace comes. I have ceased fighting anything and anyone, even alcohol. Alcohol is not the false, illusory solution to my problem anymore. Embracing my powerlessness is. And though we're talking about the first step here...that embrace leads me directly to my second step Power.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[langkah]

I believe you have the 1st step down, Shaun. You knew alcohol can offer no answer for you, and saw you were unable to manage your life and reached out. I'd call that a solid base to work from.

[susanlauren]

I am beginning to think "this thing" has levels and layers of acceptance and surrender. Just when I think, "Thank God, that's over," is when I am called to another spiritual growth experience. The path starts out broad and easy to walk; as we progress, the path becomes increasingly narrow and more difficult to climb.

I seem to have taken the first step in increments. The first understanding was the "loss of control" or physical allergy (phenomenon of craving) realization. If I didn't/don't drink I can't lose control. If my problem is/was drinking, then my solution is/was not drinking. And I decided I didn't need AA to tell me not to drink or to help me maintain sobriety. I figured I could do that on my own -- no need for AA, the steps or a Higher Power. I stopped going to AA and I vowed to myself that I would never go back.

If only alcoholism were that simple. The second and third understandings were about loss of choice (the mental obsession) and unmanageability (the spiritual malady). It turns out that what I thought was my problem wasn't my problem at all. Alcohol wasn't my problem; alcohol was my solution. I treated my alcoholism with alcohol. Take away the alcohol and my problem (i.e., the "ism" part of alcoholism) became crystal clear.

Damned if I drank and damned miserable if I didn't. Nine months of just not drinking was a hellish purgatory. I was a living breathing example of the bedevilments on page 52 and I couldn't get the thought of a drink out of my mind. Every day had become a pitched mental battle and a white knuckle experience. Absolute misery. Obviously this was no way to live. I wasn't drinking, but it was only a matter of time until I did. Not "if", but "when". The invisible spring wound tighter and tighter as each day passed.

At about the three year mark, I had an at depth core of my being experience of the first step. I was stone cold sober. My choices were go back to drinking, start the car in the garage with the garage door closed or go back to AA. I went back to AA. Fear and desperation had a silver lining: willingness. A strong dose of first step medicine removed any and all barriers to working the remainder of the steps. No argument. No debate. No reservations. No conditions. Desperation was truly a gift.

I completely gave myself to the work. I took the steps until the steps took me. And the miracle of a spiritual awakening has unfolded in my life. The obsession I could not rid myself of simply vanished. I do not want to drink anymore. I am a completely different person (for the better) as compared to when I began this journey. I have a growing and deepening relationship with a God of my understanding. I have been reborn. Thankfully.

[DayTrader]

I don't believe I have a current experience with the physical allergy. It's been almost 5 yrs since my last drink so any experience has to come from the past. As Langkah said Shaun, I think your understanding of the allergy is probably more sound than my own in that you've had more time to see it in others and to explore your own inventory/past.

When we hit the second half of step 1, that I have plenty to add to that's current. lol..... and I see that refusing to acknowledge that unmanageability can and will lead to me testing the first half of step one if left unchecked for too long.

Although I have no direct proof now, I'm more than reasonably certain that physical allergy to alcohol hasn't budged a bit. I see manifestations of it in other areas which I think serves as a reminder to me even though I'm not currently drinking. I see it in areas like "allergies" to sweets, to video games, to avoiding things I know I need to to, to sex, masturbation and porn... and in other areas that don't readily come to mind at the moment.

[shaun00]

thanks for all your replies.....nice one mike.......had a fantastic evening, not bad for get home at 6am have 4 hours sleep...house work....then BB step work to 2350.....ha ha ha totally drained.

i was hoping to get onto the second part of step one in the morning... i gotta crash.....just finished dinner 0018.

yeah mike, theres loads more to talk about here...looking foward to it mate.

shaun..

[laurie6781]

You know when I arrived at AA and found my sponsor, I have no doubt to this day that it was my HP working for me.

Now one of the things I do NOT hear near as much anymore, however, I still talk about it with my sponsees and I share in meetings is this. I was told by Hugh one day, my sponsor's hubby (also long time quality sobriety) the following:

He told me that Step 1 was going to be the hardest step of all. I know I gave him a funny look and I asked why. He stated that Step 1 was the one that I would have to work the hardest to make sure that I had it set in CONCRETE, GRANITE, and ALL THE STRONGEST MATERIAL OF OUR TIME. This was MY FOUNDATION step and ALL my other steps would built on that first step.

Getting a mental picture from that description made me realize there was an awful lot to Step 1 that I hadn't figured out yet. Somewhere along the way, and I don't honestly know where I got it from, I was already journaling my daily thoughts.

I started a separate journal and I did a Time Line of my drinking from when I started. It was only when I finished it, through all the ups and then all those downs downs downs that I was FINALLY able to See my own PROGRESSION of my own DISEASE.

Once I got that I was finally able to ACCEPT to the very core of my being, with NO HESITATION, NO QUESTIONS, NO 'maybes' or 'what ifs', NOTHING LEFT. I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt, that not only was I powerless over alcohol, but my life was definitely unmanageable.

Maybe, just maybe, try writing a Time Line of your own destruction, until you found AA, and then the Time Line of your 'thoughts'. I know it helped me and has helped many of my sponsees get Step 1 as an EXTREMELY FIRM FOUNDATION.

Hope that helps a bit Shaun. Know that we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

[keithj]

Oh goodness, Shaun, this is going to be fun. You know, that kind of fun that only the truly desperate get to have.

I'm very happy to hear that you are engaging in this again. I don't know if any feedback we can give needs to be 'hard-hitting.' I think it needs to be honest. The guys I trust my life to offer me things to consider. Sometimes I don't like those things, but I know that they love me enough to want the very best for me. They have been there, and they know how to have that kind of fun I mentioned.

As you know, I'm in the middle of going through the Steps again myself. I can tell you with utmost assurance, in only a very short time, things have changed dramatically for me. We'll get to that later, I suppose. No good offering any hope in Step 1.

Originally Posted by shaun00

Id be interested to here your experience with "the allergy"....??

My favorite experience with the 'allergy', is getting up at 5 or 6 am, hot cup of coffee in my hand, feeling nervous and anxious about the day. It's an important day, and I have to be at my very best. A drink will calm me down. Just one to settle my nerves.

I actually believe this. I have to be at work soon, and there is no way I can afford to be drunk, or even show the slightest sign that I've been drinking. I'm just going to have this one drink so I can calm down and perform better.

So 7 am rolls around, and now I'm in a panic. I've got a little buzz on (probably overshot that one drink idea by a couple), I'm running late. Run through the shower, on my way out the door, and I'm afraid that it's going to be a long day. I'm in more of a panic than when I woke up,and I can't imagine lasting the day without a little more booze in my system. Just a quick gulp and out the door.

9am comes, I'm falling into things, trying to make up a lie about why I can't come in to work that day, practicing so I don't sound so slurred. Flipping out of my mind, insane with fear about what's going to happen to me. I'm crying, can't see a way out of this mess. Gotta drink more now just to cope.

By 10am, I say screw it, this day is wasted. No point trying to salvage it. May as well get good and drunk now. I'm passed out by noon.

So, my intention was to have a single (small, just a taste) drink to calm me down. I know that I have to be at work, I know I can't be drinking before work. But I don't have just one. Somewhere between that one drink hitting my lips and reaching my bloodstream, I set something off in my body. A powerful urge came over me to have 'just one more'. And then one more.

I never intended to get drunk that day (or many other days like it). I decided to have one drink. After that, it was out of my hands. Actually, if we were talking about a mental obsession, it was out of my hands long before I picked up that one drink, but that's a different part of Step 1.

[Tommyh]

shaun,I`m getting in late,just found a parking spot in Florida for my truck and got parked...man,I am going to post what my sponsor had me do also along with a tad bit of my experience.
in the forwards,it mentions 2 words
strenuous effort
you know and I know that is what it takes to do this thing if we are too survive.
I lost the ability to control my drinking over the years I drank.In the late 1960`s it was fun to drink the first 2 beers and get drunk,20 yrs later it wasn`t fun to wake up in the front yard with pissy britches ashamed of myself again.

I tried everything but to no avail untill AA.

my present sponsor is different that the mainstream AA sponsors.He is a big book step study sponsor.They do things different.
Here is what he had me do on the first half of step one,using the Dr`s Opinion.
I always say this prayer before I opened the book or write anything down.

God,please have me do this work the way you want me to do it,please show me the truth about myself.Thank you!
Doing it the way we want to do it got us where we are or was...sober and life sucked.
They tell me this is a spiritual program,not religious.I was told to make it spiritual from the very start, so I did.I was also told the first step is the most spirtitual of all 12.

I read the Dr`s Opinion and wrote out the definitions of the words I thought I knew,and the words I did not know.I was surprised to learn I wasn`t so dam smart after all.
Then I read it again,highlighting the problem in one color and the solution in another color for easy future reference.I also made a "P" in the margin for problem,and a "S" for solution.I was once again surprised to see what I has missed first 18 yrs of sobriety.When I was done,we met and we read one page each and discussed it to see what I had learned and he filled in a few things.When we was done,I had been thru the Dr`s Opinion 6 times.I learned a lot of stuff Shaun.
Here is a few things
the alergy (the physical) is mentioned but so are some other valuable things.

It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete.

we are maladjusted to life and we can`t stand it sober.We can`t frigging stand putting the plug in the jug and trying to live because it drives us crazy as hell.I wanted to pull my hair out and everyone elses.

we are mental defectives because our minds do not work right.
Full flight from reality?How many times did we say we did not have a drinking problem or a living problem?

Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false.

ok,so I can`t stand living sober so I drink for the effect the alcohol has on my brain...
I get so crazy sober or drunk I cannot tell truth from falsehoods
that is insanity,my insanity Shaun.
so how the hell can i work the steps with a insane mind that cannot tell truth from the false?and no Power greater than myself to guide me? That`s why I pray first and my sponsor or any human can`t do it for me or too me.It must come from elsewhere.
My case is hopeless,plain hopeless
I cannot control my drinking,and I am crazy and insane with out alcohol in my brain.....talk about brain damage!

part of the solution is mentioned in that chapter also.here are a few parts

In late 1934 I attended a patient who, though he had been a competent businessman of good earning capacity, was an alcoholic of a type I had come to regard as hopeless.
In the course of his third treatment he acquired certain ideas concerning a possible means of recovery. As part of his rehabilitation he commenced to present his conceptions to other alcoholics, impressing upon them that they must do likewise with still others.

we work out our solutions on the spiritual as well as an altruistic (selfless giving of ourselves) plane

Later, he requested the privilege of being allowed to tell his story to other patients here and with some misgiving, we consented. The cases we have followed through have been most interesting: in fact, many of them are amazing. The unselfishness of these men as we have come to know them, the entire absence of profit motive, and their community spirit, is indeed inspiring to one who has labored long and wearily in this alcoholic field. They believe in themselves, and still more in the Power which pulls chronic alcoholics back from the gates of death.

Shaun,at that point my sponsor also instructed me to start being of service,right then.

I am now starting to build the arch thru which I would one day step thru to freedom