I don't know if I'm clinically an alcoholic...

[dpayne28]

But I want to stop drinking. How much I love to drink scares me. Imagining life without it seems awful, and that scares me. How much I depend on it. I feel like I need it. I crave it. But I don't get the shakes, I don't need an eye-opener first thing in the morning, in fact, I hate alcohol during the week day, but it's not until I get off of work that I can't wait to start drinking. I drink a bottle of wine, sometimes more, every night. Mostly by myself. I don't know, does this make me an alcoholic or just a regular drinker? Once I start, I can't stop. It's like my dad always used to say "once I open the bottle, I may as well throw the cap away. Because I'm not going to stop drinking until it's gone." That's how I am. Whichever goes down first; me passing out, or the bottle is dry! I'm scared of how I may end up. I just turned 29. Will it get worse?

[Tuesday24]

Welcome Dpayne 28.

Many things that you said in your message stood out to me. Perhaps you should give it a read again. "Normal" drinkers do not feel the way you described about alcohol. They do not need it or crave it. I am not saying that you are or are not an alcoholic- only you can determine that. However, the amount that you are drinking daily is suggestive of a problem with alcohol.
I am in my mid twenty's and I am here to tell you that alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get a whole lot worse if you let it.
I would suggest talking with your doctor about your concerns with alcohol.

[MycoolFitz]

Do you need a diagnosis or do you want to trust your gut? There's no sterotypical alcoholic. You crave drinking time, you're frightened by your drinking pattern, once started you can't stop, drinking until the booze is gone, fear for your future with alcohol. There's no sterotypical "regular" drinker either but I think most social drinkers don't experience what you're putting yourself through or your fear. If you are alcoholic, it's a progressive dis-ease among other things, without intervention it will get worse. Given what you have described how could sobriety hurt? Whatever you decide you are or aren't, whatever you decide to do, my best to you.

[dpayne28]

Would AA be something useful for me? I don't want to go in there and not be taken seriously. I say that because I unfortunately work in a liquor store (worst possible place for me) and I see people coming in shaking until they get their hands on that pint of Mr. Bostons or Bartons vodka. I've been drinking since I was 13. It's just become my closest friend. Even though this friend put me in jail twice! It's like how do I say goodbye forever to something that's been there for me at my lowest and also at my highest? Why do we have to drink to mourn, and drink to celebrate?! Sorry, I'm just frustrated and I've never gotten it out before.

[Tuesday24]

I personally do not attend AA but I am sure there will be others along to share their wisdom. I do know, however, that AA had helped many people. People will take you seriously... it doesn't matter what others think anyway IMO. There are many people who work in bars, healthcare, public office and other professions that feel the same as you (myself included) You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get sober if you want it bad enough. Keep reading and posting. You are not alone.

[stavros212]

I feel the same way. I'm 28 and have been drinking seriously since I was 18. Not everyday, but definitely most. There have been brief periods of abstinence, but always imagining my life without alcohol seemed crazy. I've never gotten the shakes or felt like I absolutely needed a drink, but I know that the amount I drink when I do is not normal.
Like you said, I drink till I pass out or it's gone, or in my case until I don't remember a damn thing.
When you grow up associating drinking with good times, it seems all too normal. But for me, it has started to get out of hand.
I have a 3-year-old (half the time) so I don't drink when he's with me, but when he's not, I'm definitely looking to get drunk.
Today is day 5 of sobriety for me.
There has been a lot of anxiety but it's getting better.
I have been diagnosed as alcohol dependent through substance abuse programs just by filling out their questionnaire (which I lied on in my favor and was still deemed dependent!).
I think alcoholic is a word that is still a stigma - but it can be anybody and everybody at all different stages of drinking.
Don't know if this helps you at all, but I can relate to your situation, and I recognized that I have a problem so I want to work on it.

[Veritas1]

Originally Posted by dpayne28

But I want to stop drinking. How much I love to drink scares me. Imagining life without it seems awful, and that scares me. How much I depend on it. I feel like I need it. I crave it. But I don't get the shakes, I don't need an eye-opener first thing in the morning, in fact, I hate alcohol during the week day, but it's not until I get off of work that I can't wait to start drinking. I drink a bottle of wine, sometimes more, every night. Mostly by myself. I don't know, does this make me an alcoholic or just a regular drinker? Once I start, I can't stop. It's like my dad always used to say "once I open the bottle, I may as well throw the cap away. Because I'm not going to stop drinking until it's gone." That's how I am. Whichever goes down first; me passing out, or the bottle is dry! I'm scared of how I may end up. I just turned 29. Will it get worse?

Hi, and welcome!

Have you ever tried to stop drinking and found that you couldn't stay stopped?

Take a look back at your very experience with drinking. Your first line says...but I want to stop drinking, but then you go on about how much you like drinking.

If you like drinking so much, why would you want to stop?

What is making you want to stop drinking?

You write about the amount you drink once you start. Is that part of the fear? Are you having a realization that your drinking is getting out of hand? Do you think you are drinking too much?

Two key things the book Alcoholics Anonymous talks about are being able to stay stopped, and the amount you drink once you start.

Taking a good look at your truth in these areas can help you to decide if you are an alcoholic.

I am going to put a link here for some pages in our book called Alcoholics Anonymous. I will put a quote here as well.

Keep posting, and let us know how we can help.

This is from the chapter The Doctor's Opinion

Moderate drinkers have little trouble in giving up liquor entirely if they have good reason for it. They can take it or leave it alone.

Then we have a certain type of hard drinker. He may have the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally. It may cause him to die a few years before his time. If a sufficiently strong reason—ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or the warning of a doctor—becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate, although he may find it difficult and troublesome and may even need medical attention.

But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.

http://silkworth.net/bb/thereisasolution.html

[Veritas1]

Correction, the above quote is from There Is A Solution.

[dpayne28]

Just want to give a quick update....

If I can make it through tonight, I will be sober for 4 days.

[CarolD]

I hope you did and are planning to continue finding your way into a healthy sober future

Some people give up drinking for various reasons....includeing improveing their health before they become alcoholics....

Long before you notice the symptoms ...because alcohol is chemically a toxin it will begin to damage your mind and body.

Glad you have quit...

[DayTrader]

Originally Posted by dpayne28

But I want to stop drinking. How much I love to drink scares me. Imagining life without it seems awful, and that scares me.

After DUI #1 I noticed all those same things in me as well....and it scared me too. I, however, ignored that fear and just powered through by continuing to drink - not the most mature decision I could have made, that's for sure. Odds are, you're getting a glimpse at your reality......don't ignore it like I did.

Originally Posted by dpayne28

Once I start, I can't stop. It's like my dad always used to say "once I open the bottle, I may as well throw the cap away. Because I'm not going to stop drinking until it's gone." That's how I am. Whichever goes down first; me passing out, or the bottle is dry!

Well now......that doesn't sound like "normal drinking" does it? We abnormal drinkers aren't dummies though. We tend to hang with other ppl who drink like we do (or do drugs like we do)......which lends a false sense of "normalcy" to our addictions. Ya know, how can it be "abnormal" if everyone I'm hanging with is doing the same thing?

The AA book, which was written by a group of "abnormal drinkers" who had recovered from their alcoholism is pretty clear though when it suggests that the phenomenon of craving - which is the innability to control the amount once the first drink(s) are taken because we have primed the pump and crave more - is something that a "normal drinker" NEVER experiences.

Originally Posted by dpayne28

Will it get worse?

Given the point above - the craving you experience once you start, I've never seen it NOT get worse.

Originally Posted by dpayne28

Would AA be something useful for me? I don't want to go in there and not be taken seriously.

No doubt in my mind, active participation in AA will help you more than you can imagine. Notice though, I said "active participation" rather than "going to AA...." --HUGE difference. Get to some meetings, find some ppl who are experienced with the process and follow their lead yourself. Get engaged in the recovery process - it'll make ALL the difference in your life.... I promise.

Originally Posted by dpayne28

It's just become my closest friend. Even though this friend put me in jail twice! It's like how do I say goodbye forever to something that's been there for me at my lowest and also at my highest?

I had the same concerns. Ya see, alcohol had become a power greater than me. I "needed" it to complete me - to get me through or to make me enjoy certain aspects of life. I got past if by finding another power greater than me that was also bigger and more powerful than alcohol. How does one sport team beat a team better than them? Well, luck is one way, but building a better team yourself is the most reliable way. That's what we do in AA - learn how to assemble a better team that plays on our behalf....and your top player is your HP......with that, really, you can't lose.

Originally Posted by dpayne28

Why do we have to drink to mourn, and drink to celebrate?! Sorry, I'm just frustrated and I've never gotten it out before.

...we do it because a lot of us are alcoholic and that's what ppl who suffer from alcoholism do.

and it's ok to vent.....it's part of the process to "get it all out" once and a while. It's healthy.

[RunnerMD2be]

Drinking a bottle of wine at night is abnormal. The way you describe your behavior strongly indicates a problem with alcohol. I never had Shakes, or DTs. That isn't what makes you an alcoholic. It just means you aren't withdrawing from alcohol in the clinical sense.

The fact that you say you "hate" alcohol in the daytime is pretty strongly indicative of alcoholism, even more so is that you say you can't stop at night even as much as you want to not drink.

My dog could have diagnosed my alcoholism. I've never even told a medical professional about it. Perhaps I should.

[jill2012]

i am an alcoholic there i said it !!!! since november i have been drinking half a bottle of gin every other day one night on one night off!!! I am an alchoholic and do not want to be one! I had gastric bypass in june 2011 and unfortunately i hadn't prepared my mind for christmas. My son committed suicide january 3rd 2009 he was 25 we buried him on my birthday january 13th i took that first drink in despair and depression. I have reached the its now or never stage, give it up or get worse i have chosen the former i have to! Life is pretty good just now I am coping so i feel strong enough to give it up today is my first day i know it isn't going to be easy .. but once i get off it i sure as anything will never go back on it !!! I will have to swap my addiction onto something that wont hurt my body.

[2granddaughters]

Originally Posted by jill2012

I will have to swap my addiction onto something that wont hurt my body.

I swapped mine for AA. All the best Jill !!

Bob R

[DayTrader]

Alcoholism is a killer.....Drinking excessively is the most obvious way alcoholism manifests itself. Think of it like drinking is the bullet HOLE....alcoholism is all the internal damage on the other side of the hole.

The steps treat alcoholism......and as that's fixed, the drinking gets fixed along with it.

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised what working a "spiritual program of action" like the 12-steps in AA will "fix" for you.

[zorah]

the only requirement for aa is a desire to stop drinking. that's it! this is said at every meeting i've been to. i'm new in aa and, like you, i'm still unsure sometimes, but since i want to stop and can't on my own, i know i belong there. if i have to identify, i just say, "i'm X and i have a drinking problem." everyone there knows this is all that matters. you can debate whether you are or aren't forever. just check it out and see if it gives you any relief. talk to some people there.

[mick3580]

What I realized after attending AA and reading the literature is that I had Alcoholism, specifically Chronic Alcoholism. Prior to coming into AA, I had many preconceived notions about what an alcoholic was. If I drink to much when I drink and that is what I think makes me alcoholic, them my solution is going to be to drink a very specific amount and no more, and if I can do that, then I'll conclude I must not be alcoholic because I can moderate my drinking and stop a night of drinking whenever I want to. If I can't moderate no matter how hard I try even when I really really want to, then I will have to try to just not drink. My experience was that I could avoid drinking for some time, and inevitably would go back to it each and every time. I haven't had to go back to it in a long time. Another way to say it is if alcohol is my problem, put the alcohol down and my problem goes away. If I pick it up again, it could be that my problem is not alcohol, but alcoholism.

[cubfanja]

I stopped going to AA meeting a long time ago, because I never felt that I was alcoholic, but had to go because I was court mandated. I never worked the 12 steps when I did go AA and know looking for guidance to work the 12 steps. I didn’t drink every day or crave it, but my problem was drinking and driving and cost was my license and I am know trying to get my license back.

[Lyingdog]

Ok I will try to be short. I felt like I may be an alcohaulic and did not drink for about 6 years. I thought drinking was a sin and changed my mind after much bible study. I started drinking again and started lilting to my wife about how much and how often I drank. We almost divorced over verious things. I went to some AA meetings (as suggested by our counceler) and had intentions on staying away from drinking. As I sat in a few meetings and heard a lot of stories I felt the exact same way you do relative to the question ... am I realy an alcohaulic? The stories I heard were pretty rough and I have not ever had the shakes or felt like I "needed" to drink. I just loved beer. So I came to the conclusion that I was not an alcohaulic. In fact... I could not admit step 1. I felt like I did have power over it and that I could control it. So I convened my wife of this and we agreed to give it a shot. I did ok for a week or two but I soon started lying to my wife about how much I drank and how often. It only took a few more weeks for me to realize that I had little controle but kept on drinking. 6 days ago I stayed up drinking when my wife went to sleep. I ended up across the street at my neighbors house drinking the night away. My wife woke up looking for me at 2:30 AM and I still did not go home. I stayed until 3:30 and went home. I got up the next morning to go to work. My wife was put out wit me and I felt terrible about what happened. I told her I was finished drinking. She was still mad and I felt a lot of anxiety. By Tuesdsy night I decided that I could convene my wife that I could still drink but would use some guide lines. My wife went out with some friends and I decided to prove to my self that I could drink one or two and quit. I bought a six PAC and drank every one before my wife got home. When my wife asked if I had been drinking I looked her in the eye and said no.. "I promice" after she made me see that I could not hide the fact that I had been drinking I lied about how much I drank. I went to bed and snuck back into the kitchen looking for more beer. I didn't find any but I did find some vodka. So I went to bed with my three year old boy and a bottle of vodka. I woke up the next morning and anxiety hit me hard. I would never do those things sober.
I have he same problem you have. I get a dang good buzz/ birthed line double vision but I do not consider it "drunk" because of the drunk stories I heard at AA. I felt like I had more control that the other people. What I failed to realize (or chose to ignore) is the fact that it took these people many years to get to the point they spoke of. I know that I will get to that point myself if I keep drinking. I guess the question you and I should ask other alcohaulics is - where you ever at the point I am at now. I bet the answer would be: "yes and I would give anything to go back to that point and quit.. It would have saved my job, marrage, relationships, the life of the person I killed with my car", etc.
I think you and I are at a cross roads. I AM an alcohaulic and now I no for sure. Now I can get past step one. Sounds like we may be at the same stage in our drinking career. I am going to make every effort every day to retire before I do something realy realy stupid or devistating. PM if you need me buddy. Good luck.